Inside the Lines: Without a Trace series, a contemporary erotic romance novel (20 page)

He reaches for me. “Lux, what is it? Ye can tell me.”

I jerk back, away from comfort. After all I’ve put him through, I feel like I owe him this. “I have two sisters—we all have different fathers. My dad was a drug user, and he disappeared into that world. He overdosed when I was little. My mom could never pull her shit together. So my sisters and I…we ended up in foster care. And I was an angry kid, which I’m sure comes as no surprise.

“My last foster home wasn’t a bad one, overall. I was the oldest there. The woman—we called her ‘Mama C’—she was nice enough. Super religious, but she tried to be understanding. There were five of us: my sisters and two others much younger, so I took care of the kids a lot. Her husband, though...he wasn’t as nice.” Even if the air didn’t carry a chill, I’d be freezing. Fin stands so close I could touch him if I reach out. He’s a statue, listening.

“His brother lost his job and lived with us for almost two years. And one night, not long after he’d moved in… I was fifteen at the time and completely infatuated with him. He wasn’t good-looking; at least, not what most people would call handsome. But he’d traveled, and he always had a funny story or a memory—he was a great storyteller. When he came onto me, I was flattered. It was sexy, I thought, that I was so young and he liked me. So one night, after everyone else had gone to bed, I snuck downstairs to talk to him. He offered me a beer. So I joined him, trying to act all grown up. And he started talking dirty. And it felt good, you know? It wasn’t like abuse. It was sexy, and I felt attractive. When he started touching me, I wanted it.” Emotion clogs my throat, making it hard to take a breath. Fin doesn’t move, doesn’t try to touch me, but I can see it takes everything in him not to do so.

“Mama C always told me to wait until I was married to have sex. I was fifteen, Fin. I had a sex drive, hormones, desires—I just wanted to know what it was like. We made out, and he undressed me… kept telling me how beautiful I was and how much he had always liked me. I wanted it. Or, at least, I thought I did. But when he unbuttoned his pants, I got scared. This wasn’t the way I wanted my first time to be, and the truth of what was about to happen terrified me. I tried to get away, but he was so far gone with alcohol, and I’d let him get that far, he was determined. So he pushed me down on the couch, on my back, and my arm was trapped beneath me. The way I was positioned, I couldn’t move. And he fell on top of me, so heavy I couldn’t take a breath.”

Fin’s gaze never leaves me, though his eyes have turned steely blue, and his nose flares a bit. Otherwise, he is still.

“Just when things were about to get really unpleasant, my foster father came downstairs. He caught us in the nick of time. Mama C was devastated. Of course, I got blamed. Not by her, but by
him
. And not in a violent or blatant way. In the most passive-aggressive, quiet way he could. It was always in his gaze, in sly comments when I’d break up with a boyfriend, or have problems in school. And his brother continued to live with us. I had a curfew in my own home—I had to be in my room before nine every night, just so I wouldn’t be left unchaperoned because they let a monster live in that house. My sisters were there—they were eleven and thirteen at the time. So I stayed as long as I could, hoping that I could protect them. That’s the way I lived, until I was seventeen. The brother ended up in prison for theft charges, which meant my sisters were safe from him. I moved out, and I never talked to any of them again.”

A muscle in his jaw pulses as we both stand our ground.

“Lux, I’m so sorry.”

Tears threaten again, and I brush them away, anger making my hands shake. “Yeah, well, it happened. And it’s over. That’s why I got upset the first time we were together. I couldn’t move—my arm was trapped—and it freaked me out.”

“Please let me hold ye. Don’t make me stand here and watch ye cry.”

The last thing I want is to yield, but his plea is nearly as pained as my own heart’s. I barely nod before he’s beside me, around me, holding me so tight that my sobs are lost between us.

It feels like hours until I can lift my head and wipe my eyes. His arms hold me together, and I lean into him, feeling his solid, constant presence like a balm to my wounds.

When I can meet his gaze, the love there steals my breath. His hands hold my head as his lips close on mine. His kiss is sweet and gentle, but I want neither. Pulling him into me, I assault his mouth, my hands sliding beneath his sweater and pulling his hips against mine. His hands squeeze my shoulders, and he pulls his face away. “Lux, what’re ye—”

“Shut up.”

His eyes gauge me, as though unsure, but when I grind my hips into him, he grabs my shoulders, crushing my mouth to his. His arms are bands of steel, locking me against him, but I shove away. There’s a small alley between Paddled and the next building, just wide enough for two people to pass. I follow it, knowing that it leads to the back employee entrance for the club.

When I turn, Fin is there, hauling me up against him, his tongue sweeping inside my mouth. I bite his lip, earning an even tighter vise around my waist. His fingers tangle in my hair, forcing my head to the side so he can press his teeth against my neck. I inhale sharply, the pressure almost painful, but also incredibly erotic.

His hands grip my ass, his fingers pulling at the bottom of my short skirt.

I wrap my leg around his hips. “Fuck me.”

“I aim to.” He pushes me back against the brick wall. With rough hands, he reaches beneath my skirt and pulls my g-string down. I spread my legs wider as he kneels between my thighs. He eats me hungrily, teeth nipping and tongue insistent. The intensity rushes through me, my clit throbbing with need. When I come, my knees give out, and I span the wall with both hands to remain upright.

Fin stands, pants undone, cock hard and pulsing, and when he shoves inside of me, I can’t even make a noise. He feels huge, and I wrap my legs around his waist, pulling him even deeper into me. He grips my ass as he pounds me, raw urgency turning us both into instinct driven creatures. Pure need draws us into a fast rhythm, and we use each other hard. When I come again, I’m hoarse as I cry out, and he buries his head in my neck as he shudders against me.

When he releases me to the ground, my legs shake. I pull my clothing back into place, unable to look at him. I step away, putting a few steps between us. He stands there, confusion evident in his furrowed brows.

The night air chills my overheated skin. “I want to be with you…so much. But I can’t.” Tears threaten, and I suck in air, trying to stymy their arrival. “You deserve better than this, Fin.” I lay my hand against the wall, embarrassed by how aggressive our coupling was. “This isn’t love. This is lust. I want you, but not enough to be open and be vulnerable with you. You need to be with someone who isn’t a mess, and with someone who’s ready to be as honest and wonderful as you are in a relationship.” He opens his mouth to interrupt, but I rush to continue. “And it’s not me. I haven’t dealt with this shit.
Clearly
. And I need to.” A lone tear escapes, but I brush it away. “I can’t do this with you. And I’m sorry, because I’d like to. I just can’t.”

“Lux, what are ye saying?” He steps towards me, reaching out to touch my arm.

I retreat backwards, careful to avoid his hand. “I’m sorry. I’m so very sorry.” I fight to keep my voice from shaking. “I need to figure things out. And I need to do it alone.”

“I love ye.”

In this moment, I know I am the worst human being alive. “I know. But I don’t love you. I want to. I tried to love you. But I don’t feel that way, even though I really wish I did. I’m sorry.”

The knife buries deep, and his face wears the destruction.

I want to take it all back, to do something, anything, to comfort him. Instead, I turn and walk away. Tears course down my cheeks, and I keep walking until I’m in the club, in the bathroom, in the stall, before I break down completely.

Chapter 23

True Friends

I’ve never spent much time being lonely. In part, because I got used to being alone. There aren’t many choices when you walk out of the only home you’ve ever known and never look back. The last few weeks since I broke up with Fin have been my first real experience feeling the darkness of being lost. I’m so desolate, I don’t recognize myself in the mirror.

I don clothing, put on makeup. Wear the flirtatious—or evil—smile and do my job. But inside, there’s nothing left. I’m an empty husk. Noah and Ella have stopped asking about Kinked. They’ve stopped asking much of anything, really. And I hide in my room most days, to avoid crossing paths with them.

I don’t know how many weeks it’s been, but eventually, Ella knocks on my bedroom door. “Lux? It’s me.”

When I don’t answer, she opens the door. “Lux?” When she sees me, her expression tells me just how bad I look. “Oh my God.”

I lift up on one elbow and shove my hair out of my face. “The door was closed.”

“I know.” Apparently my unfriendly tone of voice intimidates her for a moment. “Can I come in?”

“You’re already ‘in,’” I grumble, but then I relent and pat the bed. “Make yourself comfortable.”

She sits on the bed, and when I don’t bite, she lies down beside me. I fall back into my blanket nest, clutching a small pillow to my stomach. Ella brings with her the citrusy scent of her favorite perfume. Given that I haven’t showered in two days, I’m trying not to sniff too hard in the direction of my armpits.

“You and Fin broke up.”

“Yep.”

“Why?”

I toy with an answer, then go with the truth. “Because he deserves someone who will treat him with respect and love, not fuck with his head and keep him on edge.”

She turns on her side, resting her head against her arm. “True.”

When she doesn’t say anything more, I breathe a sigh of relief. “Thank you for not arguing.”

She snorts. “When you’re right, you’re right.”

I manage a small grin. “I have my moments.”

“You deserve all those things, too.”

I direct my gaze out the window, evaluating the sun and what time it might actually be. “Not when I can’t give them in return.”

“Right, but you
could
give them in return, Lux. You just gotta figure out what’s stopping you.” She pauses. “Have you thought about talking to someone?”

I turn my gaze to her. “Like a shrink?”

“Like a therapist or counselor, yes.” Her tone turns wry and knowing. “They aren’t as scary as you think they are.”

“How would you know?”

She sits up, crossing her legs in a yoga pose. “Because when I was pregnant, I started having some anxiety issues. Nothing major, and I knew it wasn’t rational. I’m married to the best man ever who has done nothing but reassure me that he’s just as committed to our family as I am. But I was nearly catatonic with anxiety some days. So I got some professional help.”

“Why didn’t you ever tell me?” I feel like the worst friend ever for not noticing.

“I didn’t tell anyone. Not even Noah. I was embarrassed. I have everything—a beautiful home, a wonderful husband, a roaringly successful business. Why on earth would I have any issues at all? But I did. And I worked through them.” She reaches for my hand. “And I’d like to see you get past this. Maybe there’s still hope for you and Fin.”

I shake my head. “No, I ruined that. Completely. He needs someone who deserves him, without all the baggage. Someone his own age.”

“He didn’t seem to mind the age difference.”

“No, he never did. He wasn’t even thrown off by what I do for a living. Or that I was sleeping with clients.” I say it casually, as though she knew it the whole time.

Her eyes widen. “You what?”

I dig my palms into my eyes to avoid looking at her, as though I’m having a sudden flare of allergies. When I can’t stall any longer, I look at her, but can’t quite meet her gaze. “I was having sex with a few my clients. Not a bunch of them, but a couple. And I’m not proud of it. I’m embarrassed, actually, because I’m not a prostitute. If any of the other Doms found out, they’d destroy me publicly. And I’d deserve it. I broke all the rules that are in place for a reason.”

She falls silent, turning her engagement and wedding rings around on her finger, over and over. “Are you still—”

“No.” I clip off the word. “Not since I started dating Fin.”

The faint hum of Noah using the copier downstairs is the only sound as we avoid looking at each other.

“You know I would never judge you for that. Please tell me you know that.”

“I know.” I examine my chipped nail polish. “But I judge me. And I’m not proud of it.”

“You can get past this, Lux. And Kinked isn’t over. I know it seems that way. But it’s not.”

I don’t ask how she knows, but I’m pretty sure Noah’s been opening some of my mail to make sure I don’t miss a bill. Divine most likely sent a paper trail about their withdrawal. “For now, it is. It’s not in me, and I’m not sure I really want that anyway.”

She doesn’t argue. She lies back down and reaches for my hand. The simple comfort reaches into my brokenness; silent tears weave trails down my cheeks, wetting my neck and tank top.

Minutes…perhaps an hour passes. “Would you think about going to see someone?”