Authors: Anie Michaels
“No, Kenzie, of course I wanted to see you.” He moved even farther onto the edge of his chair and my lung capacity diminished. I pushed myself as far back in the previously comfy chair as I could, noticing it suddenly felt spiky. “I just hoped I’d have more than three hours to get used to the idea of being on the same campus as you before you appeared before me exactly as I imagined you would.”
I had no response. The allusion that he’d thought about seeing me too did nothing but make my fingers tingle, so I clenched my fists.
“I just…,” he started, but tapered off, looking at me with unrelenting eyes and a soft expression on his face. “It’s really good to see you.”
Nope. Couldn’t do it. I unclenched my fists and started packing up my textbooks and highlighters.
“I have to meet my study group at the library. It’s finals. I have one more test.”
Which studying for is now a completely hopeless task.
“I have to go.”
Before I crumble right here in front of you.
“Right. Of course. I should have known….” He watched as I manically packed up my things and I felt his gaze on me, burning me through my clothes.
“I guess I’ll see you around,” I said, trying for casual and aloof, but I probably sounded rude.
“Hey,” he said just as I’d taken my first step toward the door. I turned back to him slowly, trying hard to hold on to my last bit of composure. “I know this is weird and I probably should have warned you somehow that I was coming back, but I was really hoping we could be friends. Or, at the very least, not ignore each other if we passed on campus.”
“I would never,” I said immediately. Lies. I would totally.
“Kenz, I’ve known you your entire life.”
“Not for the last three years.” Again, the words sprung from my mouth like lightning. Quick and hot. And I almost regretted them.
Almost
.
His face dropped and I watched as he actually deflated a little. His shoulders slumped and his chest caved just slightly. That was okay though, because my chest had been caved in since he walked away from me that day in the rain. Now, I was walking away from him.
I turned, headed toward the library, and immediately found an empty stall in the bathroom and cried until all the tears stopped flowing.
I stayed up all night studying for my exam, but I didn’t learn anything new. I read the same passages time and time again, trying to find some sort of logic in the words, but none came. The next day I passed my final—barely—and then went home and went to sleep. The look on Hayes’s face right before I turned away from him was the last thing I saw before I drifted away.
Chapter Twenty-Nine
McKenzie
Loud banging on my door was what finally woke me. I looked at my phone and sighed. I’d slept through the morning. It was one in the afternoon already. I padded down the hallway toward the door, already knowing who was there before I even opened it.
Squeals greeted me as Holly and Becca burst through my door as soon as it opened even a crack, and two sets of arms wrapped around my neck. When the hugging and jumping was done they finally pulled away, all smiles. I tried to smile back, but I probably looked as though I was in pain.
“You said you were going to text us when you got up, but we got tired of waiting around for you,” Holly said before taking a seat on my couch. She’s spent a lot of time at my apartment and I knew she felt right at home there, which I loved. I felt the same way at her place.
“Sorry, I was really exhausted after yesterday’s exam. I guess I needed more sleep than I anticipated. Did you guys have fun last night?”
“It was tons of fun, until Todd showed up,” Becca said, feigning annoyance.
“Todd’s here?” I ask Holly. Todd and Holly had managed to prove everybody wrong and survive three years of a long-distance relationship. He went to college an hour away. They saw each other often enough, but no one had thought they would last.
She shrugged. “He wanted to surprise me.”
“It was cool. He brought a friend with him so I wasn’t a total third wheel.”
“Don’t pretend like you didn’t hook up with Scott,” Holly teased. “Todd showing up with a friend was the best part of your night.” Becca blushed but she didn’t deny what Holly said. I smiled, glad my friends had enjoyed their night while I was trying to sleep off my run-in with Hayes.
“So, why’d you bail on us last night?” Becca finally asked, following me to sit on the couch Holly hadn’t taken.
I had never told my best friends what happened between Hayes and me. My mother was the only person who knew, and if she told my dad, I had no idea. When he first left, almost three years ago, it was too hard to talk about and I didn’t think anyone, especially Holly and Becca, would really understand. But now, looking at them, I figured enough time had passed, it was probably time to explain. Especially if Holly was going to be seeing him around campus; I’d have to explain the weirdness somehow.
“You guys remember Hayes, right?”
A confused expression crossed both their faces, and I understood; I was definitely coming out of left field.
“Cory’s older brother?” Holly asked. I nodded. “What about him?”
“I saw him the day before yesterday. At the coffee shop where I always study.”
“That’s weird,” Becca added. “What was he doing here?”
“He’s going to school here,” I replied, pulling my feet up under me, trying to get comfortable, a task I knew was impossible as long as I was talking about Hayes. “He starts next week. Something about getting certified to teach English as well as History.”
“Wow, what a blast from the past,” Holly supplied.
I took in a deep breath, knowing it was now or never. “Do you guys remember when he was our History teacher? For just a few weeks our senior year?”
“Yeah, it was right after Cory died, right? He stayed to take care of his mom. Isn’t that why he left? Because his mom had some sort of breakdown and he had to take her away?”
“Right. He took her to Montana. But, something happened in those few weeks he was our teacher that I never told you guys about.”
“Um, okay Miss Cryptic. What are you talking about?” Holly asked, sitting forward in her seat.
“I guess it started way before that, at Cory’s sixteenth birthday party. Hayes kissed me. Out of nowhere. Just totally stole my first kiss and then he disappeared. I didn’t see him again until Cory’s eighteenth birthday, the night he died.”
“Wait, what? You kissed Hayes? You cheated on Cory?” Becca sounded almost outraged.
“No, I mean, nothing had happened with Cory at that point. Hayes kissed me first, then Cory, and after that night Cory and I started dating. But there had always been something about Hayes that I was drawn to. It was silly and juvenile, or so I thought. But then after Cory’s death, Hayes and I just kind of drifted together again.” I paused for a reaction, but all I got were gaping mouths. “It was confusing and wonderful all at the same time. He was at our school and I was constantly over at his house trying to help him care for his mother, and we just, I don’t know….” I let out a deep breath, a little overwhelmed by all the memories surfacing that I’d gotten so good at pushing down for the last three years. “Anyway, I fell in love with him and when he left, it hurt. And now he’s back. It just kind of caught me off guard. I didn’t think I’d ever see him again.”
“You fell in love with him?” Becca asked, her voice soft and full of worry. The gentleness of it made my eyes well with tears and caused that familiar pinch in the back of my throat. I managed to nod, biting my bottom lip, but couldn’t speak. “Why didn’t you tell us, Kenzie?” Suddenly Becca was on my side of the couch and Holly was kneeling in front of me, her hands on my legs while Becca’s arm went around my shoulders.
“I don’t know,” I cried as tears slipped down my cheeks. “He and I were so worried about upsetting his mother, the school finding out, people thinking we were insensitive to Cory. It was all so crazy, but we just couldn’t stay away from each other. I loved him, so much, I still do. I was worried if I told you guys, you’d be angry with me. So, I didn’t say anything. And then, before it ever really began, he left. So I never brought it up.”
“You should have told us,” Holly said quietly, her hand squeezing my leg. “We’re your best friends.”
“I know,” I said, still crying through my words. “And trust me, I wanted to, I just didn’t want to hurt anyone.”
“Looks like you’re the one who got hurt,” Becca said.
I shook my head. “Hayes did what was best for his mom, I know that. It was just a crappy situation. But guys, now he’s going to school here. I saw him two days ago and I literally lost the ability to form sentences.” I let out a soft chuckle thinking about how just the sight of him had rendered me useless.
“What does he want from you?” Holly asked.
I shrugged. “Nothing. He just said he hopes we don’t ignore each other if we walk past one another on campus.”
Holly looked confused. “And you say you were in love with him? It seems weird that he would drop off the face of the planet and then just show up acting like everything was fine. Were things between you serious?”
“Like, I gave him my virginity serious,” I said with a laugh, trying to act like the entire situation wasn’t gutting me.
“Wait, what?” Becca asked, pulling away from me with her eyebrows drawn together. “I thought you went to college a virgin.”
I shook my head. “No. I lost my virginity in Hayes’s college apartment just a few blocks from here.”
“Shut. Up.” Holly gasped.
“I very nearly lost it in a tent at the Holstater compound that night we had that campout party, remember? Becca opened my tent and he was totally in there, sleeping in his underwear.”
“Wow,” Becca said quietly. “I can’t believe all that happened and you never told us.”
“At first I couldn’t tell anyone, and then he left and it hurt so badly, I just tried to move on. Telling you guys any of it would have been too painful. But now, oh, my gosh….” The thought of seeing him walking through campus, holding some woman’s hand, having to see him with someone else, it made my stomach roll. “Now I have to see him and pretend like I’m not falling apart all over again.”
“So, you’re still in love with him?” Holly asked.
I held up my hands and gave a defeated shrug. “I can’t help it. There are times I wish I weren’t, but it never went away and I’m not sure it ever will.” I let out a large sigh. “This is not how I pictured my spring break starting.”
“Tell you what,” Becca said, standing from the couch with purpose. “We’re going to go get lunch, come back here and watch a few chick flicks, and then we’re going to go out and get you so drunk, you won’t even remember his name.”
“Girls’ night!” Holly said as she clapped and smiled. I couldn’t help but smile back. And the entire plan sounded excellent, so I agreed.
“I’ll go put some clothes on.”
I had the best friends. Seriously. My love for Becca and Holly only bloomed under their gentle care. They’d spent the entire day trying to make me feel better. They’d fed me, entertained me, and even given me a makeover, determined to take me out and find me some warm body to make me forget about Hayes. I wasn’t opposed to their plan. I’d been with a few people since starting college, and all of them were just guys I’d used to fill a void. I never dated anyone and never started a relationship. In fact, one night was the most I’d spent with anyone in three years. I wasn’t proud of my track record, but sometimes I was so tired of feeling numb, that any emotion would do. Lust was a perfect distraction, even if it was attached to a person who didn’t care if they ever saw me again. At least with those men, I knew the score before the game ever started.
I was four drinks in and we were dancing in a trio in the middle of a club. The music was loud enough I could hardly hear my thoughts about Hayes pinging around my brain. That did not, however, stop my brain from imagining him everywhere. So I closed my eyes.
I wasn’t drunk, but I was definitely buzzed. Dancing with my eyes closed made everything sway more, and I had to concentrate even harder on not tipping over, since Holly had convinced me to wear shoes with heels so high it was difficult to walk in them without alcohol in my system.
Suddenly there were hands on my hips and a hard body pressed into my back. My first thought was that perhaps it was Hayes. Maybe he’d found me. But I knew immediately it wasn’t him because the hands felt foreign and my body didn’t instantly come alive at his touch. My eyes opened to see Becca in front of me, giving me a thumbs-up, mouthing the words “He’s cute” at me.
I reached down and placed my hands over his, trying to convince myself that his touch didn’t make my brain scream, “He’s not Hayes!”
I kept moving to the music and felt him lean forward a bit, his mouth coming to touch the shell of my ear.
“I’ve been watching you and your friends for a while. You’re the hottest girl here and I couldn’t understand why you were dancing alone.” His fingers gave my waist a squeeze. “What’s your name?”
“McKenzie,” I said loudly.
His hands suddenly spun me around, which I didn’t appreciate since the heels needed a little more thought and practice than he’d allowed. “Hi,” he said with a smile. He was cute. But he was all wrong. His hair was too light, his face too round, he wasn’t tall enough, and he just wasn’t Hayes. “I’m Paul.”
“Hi,” I said, trying to smile.
“Wanna get out of here?”
I leaned a little closer to him so I didn’t have to yell. “I’m here with my friends tonight. Girls’ night.” I smiled again, but this time it was an apologetic smile, and pointed over my shoulder to Becca and Holly.
“I’m sure they wouldn’t mind. They want you to have a good time, right?”