Into the Blackness (Blackness Series Book 4) (27 page)

“You look better, Sunshine,” Nick purrs into my neck and I force myself to act. I melt into his embrace and imagine this doesn’t rip my heart out.

“I just needed to rest,” I murmur against the skin of cheek before pressing a soft kiss there. In typical Nick fashion he tries to push for more, but I can’t. I move away from his embrace and flop down on the couch holding Cole and Sawyer, effectively removing any chance of sharing a space with Nick.

The boys are oblivious and snuggle into me. I was “sick” for a full forty-eight hours and they want their chance with me. I cuddle into a blanket with Sawyer and turn my gaze to ESPN pretending to be enamored by
SportsCenter
. It works on the boys and not on Nick. I don’t care.

“Aunt Kay, I’m glad you’re better. I can’t eat anymore sandwiches,” Dane grumbles.

“I’m sorry I left you all to your own devices. How will you ever survive without me?” I shouldn’t have asked that question. All of the brows in the family room are furrowed at my question. I don’t even want the answer to that question. “You are gonna be in college in a few years.” My quick recovery ends the questioning looks immediately. I can do this.

“College kids survive on mac and cheese and ramen noodles. We’ll be fine,” Cole explains.

“Please don’t tell me shit like that. I’ll have to cook and bring you food every day. I don’t think you’ll enjoy that daily visit.”

“Like you’d be able to stay away from us for more than a day. You were sick and still dragged your ass out of your room a few times a day to check on us. You probably got us all sick doin’ that,” Dane pretends to scold me.

“I’ll take care of you,” I whisper, feeling those damned emotions bubbling up.

“You always do,” Jake interjects happily.

“We tried to do laundry,” Sawyer informs me looking a little guilty.

“How’d that go?”

“We shrunk some of your sweaters and everything’s really wrinkled.”

“That’s great,” I snark.

He chuckles along with the other boys, pulling me closer to him.

“Love you,” he murmurs into my hair.

“Love you too,” I whisper in return.

I don’t know if I’ve ever meant those words as much as I do right now. When I was lying in that damn bed for two days, their love pulled my head above the waves of despair trying desperately to pull me under. I may not be meant to be with Nick, but I won’t leave these boys. They’ve been left by their asshole parents and I won’t leave them until I have to wrap the op. I won’t have any control beyond that point, but until that time comes, I’ll be here for them in every way I can. I can do this.

Fresh flowers sit on the island in a towering arrangement of whites, purples and greens. I bury my face and inhale the intoxicating scent.

“Nick has been doing this at least once a week since we moved to Maybelle,” I explain to Trish.

“That’s lovely,” she lies. I control my eye roll and set her coffee down at the breakfast bar in front of her. “I wanted to wait until the holiday passed before I came to apologize for my behavior at the ice cream parlor. I can’t begin to explain how awful I feel about my cruel words. I don’t know what possessed me to speak that way, but I can assure you that’s not how I feel about the boys.”

“I accept your apology, Trish. I understand how stress can affect a woman in your position.”

“It can be difficult at times. I think what you’re doing for those boys is admirable. Their parents should be ashamed of themselves. Having strangers take responsibility for their children? Just dreadful.”

Notice she doesn’t blame them for abandoning the boys, just that they didn’t provide better accommodation. Now that I’m in full op mode I’m able to smile a broad fake smile with ease at her disgusting face. It’s taken a week and a half and a truly gut-wrenching Thanksgiving to get me here, but I made it.

“The winter formal is shaping up nicely,” she changes the subject to the superficial.

“I agree. I’m glad we decided against a themed dance. It’s so clichéd,” I repeat the words I’ve heard spoken by all the
Stepford Wives
.

“Absolutely, winter is theme enough. I appreciate you taking the time to see me this morning. I’ve got another meeting over at the library in a half hour so I have to run, but I’d love to set up a lunch date later in the week,” she says through her fake façade that sounds inviting and warm, yet I find it cold and disconcerting.

“I’ll check my schedule and let you know when I’m available,” I respond air kissing her cheeks and pushing down the puke at the back of my throat.

“Wonderful! Have a lovely day, Kat.”

I follow her to the front door and wave goodbye as she climbs in her white Range Rover. Once she’s down the driveway, I slam the front door and begin sweeping for bugs she could have left. An hour later I’m satisfied she didn’t.

Unfortunately, Trish wasn’t the part of my day I’ve been dreading. This is.

“Code in,” the male voice instructs.

“Delta Charlie three zero nine four.”

“The line is secure, Agent Russell.”

“Jessica Evans please.”

“Evans,” Jess’s sweet voice fills my ear and I steel myself for a battle with my best friend.

“Agent Russell,” I reply tentatively.

“Katherine Russell, how nice of you to call your best friend,” she drones sarcastically.

“I just completed a meeting with Trish Booker. The meeting was not productive beyond pleasantries and continuing to build a relationship with the mark,” I state professionally.

“Don’t you fuckin’ dare do that to me, Kat. I’m your best friend and some fucked up shit happened two weeks ago. The first thing you do is start a brief without so much as a mention of it? Huh uh. I’m not doin’ this with you. Talk to me,” she finishes in a command.

Jess has called me every day since I ended my relationship with Shane. I haven’t answered a single call or listened to any of her messages. Shane’s her fiancé and I won’t put her in the middle of us. It’s not fair to her and I love this woman like a sister. I have to approach her like a colleague to get through this right now. I can’t break again and if I talk to her about what happened, I’ll break.

“I’ve only had contact with Trish Booker one other time since my last brief. It was an altercation involving Jake Rivers and the civilian boys currently residing with us. Agent Cooper felt that the tension wasn’t detrimental to the op as Tony Booker was concerned and tried to remove any issues on his wife’s behalf. I agree that the incident didn’t hinder the op in any way and we can move forward as planned. Agent Cooper can expand during his brief.”

“Kat, please. You’re scarin’ the shit outta me. If you don’t wanna talk on this line, call me back on a burner. I’ll call you if that’s easier, but don’t do this. I’ve got your notes. I’ll update the file. Talk to me. Are you okay?” my best friend pleads with me. I can’t. Not yet.

“I have nothing further to add. I’ll call in on…” I reach over to check the calendar for the date of my next brief. “December tenth. Thank you for your time.”

With that, I hang up on Jess and drop my head in my hands. I feel like complete and utter shit doing that to her. She doesn’t deserve the freeze out, but I have to be strong right now. Jess is my soft spot and if I get a glimpse of that softness I’ll disintegrate. My only option to complete this op is to hold it together until holding it together doesn’t take so much work. Right now…it’s the most difficult work I’ve ever done.

Nick

I stride into the house to be met with a kitchen full of teenagers. Not that unusual these days.

“Hey, Nick,” Sawyer says gloomily.

“What’s up?” I ask the solemn group.

“Aunt Kay has a headache again,” Dane informs me with a grunt finishing off his statement.

“Any plans for dinner?” I avoid the topic of my wife, just as I’ve been doing for almost three weeks. None of the boys have asked outright what’s going on, but I’ve gotten a lot of looks and grunts.

“We burned it,” Sawyer responds, nodding at a plate covered in something charred beyond recognition.

“Let’s go out for pizza. Give Kat a break from us for the evening.”

“She needs a lot of breaks lately,” Cole points out as he shrugs on his coat.

“That’s how it goes sometimes, bud.” I clap him on the back a couple times trying to reassure him.

“I know,” he scoffs, moving out of my reach.

The SUV is silent as I maneuver through the snow-covered streets of Maybelle. Downtown is dripping in twinkle lights, wreathes adorning every door. This place is like a poison dart frog, beautifully captivating and filled with venom.

After we’re seated at a booth, the mood lightens slightly. The boys are dealing with the aftermath of breaking up with Regan and her posse. Things were strained between the two groups after the incident with Avery and Cole. He ended it with her instantly. Once Jake connected with Cara he immediately ended things with Regan. Dane and Sawyer followed suit a few days later with their girls. I never knew what it meant for someone to blow up a phone. I’m now intimately acquainted with the term and its visual representation.

Jake’s phone buzzes for the fifteenth time when he rips it off the table, turns it off and shoves it in his coat pocket.

“How hard is ‘I’m done’ to understand?” he grumbles.

“Apparently, pretty fuckin’ difficult,” Sawyer mumbles around his straw.

“Women can be difficult to understand,” I chime in with pathetic words of wisdom.

“You’ve got the best lookin’ wife in this town and probably on the eastern seaboard. Not only that, but Aunt Kay’s awesome. She isn’t nuts like most chicks,” Dane scoffs.

“Kat’s an amazing woman, no question. But figuring out how a woman works takes patience and teenagers aren’t great at that. I know. I was one.”

“Like two decades ago,” Dane teases me.

I give him a hard stare causing the group to burst out laughing. I love that sound. It warms me when I feel empty and cold. I feel like that most of the time now. I wasn’t lying when I said women are difficult to understand. I wish I didn’t understand why Kat’s done with me. Unfortunately, I do. I fucked this thing up so badly I’m not certain there’s a way back. The last time I messed up with her, I pushed and prodded her. This time I’m leaving her alone. Kat’s hanging on by a thread and I refuse to be the thing that snaps the string.

Watching her struggle to get through the heartbreak I’ve caused is torture I’m unfamiliar with. And I’m familiar with every type of torture ever created and some I’ve made up on my own. I never knew emotional torture had such power.

So as I keep my distance from my wife that hates my guts, I bond with my boys.

“Were you with a bunch of chicks before Aunt Kay?” Dane’s question pulls me back to the table.

“Not sure that’s appropriate dinner conversation.”

“I didn’t ask for details.”

“I was with women before Kat,” I answer quietly.

“A lot?”

“I’m not Gene Simmons.”

“That’s good. I don’t think you’d look good in make-up.”

“Me neither,” I retort, offering him a wry smile.

“I think we should try it out. Maybe seein’ you in a full face of make-up will get Aunt Kay outta her funk,” Cole adds.

“I think she’ll be fine without me traumatizing her with that experience.”

“You sure about that?” Sawyer questions disbelieving.

“Things have been difficult for Kat lately. I think she took on too much with the dance committee and all your activities. Winter break will be a nice reprieve for her,” I explain thoughtfully.

“Is it us? Are we too much?” Sawyer whispers.

“Fuck no!” I growl a bit too loudly for the venue. I look around and thankfully, no one seemed to notice. “Sorry, no, it has nothing to do with you. You see how much happiness you boys bring her. Trust that.”

“Kat’s a stronger person than you’re all used to. She’ll be fine. Just give her a little time to recover,” Jake interjects his opinion.

Jake’s been watching Kat like a hawk throughout this whole thing, but she’s done a good enough job of avoiding and wearing her mask that she’s got him mostly fooled. He knows she’s pissed at me, but that was inevitable. The fact that the boys are asking tells me the cracks in her façade are starting to show through. This could be disastrous for the op. I’m going to have to do something soon if she doesn’t get it together.