Into the Deep 02 Out of the Shallows (11 page)

Something in his eyes flickered, something a little like hope. “Yeah?”

“Yeah.”

His face darkened. “But the TA?”

“She’s not in love with
him.
” I shrugged and took a step toward the door. “Why do you think she’s so scared of
you
?”

“You shouldn’t really be telling me this stuff, should you?”

“No. If Claudia finds out, I’m on her shit list, so I’m taking a risk.”

Beck laughed softly. “Well, I appreciate it.”

I smiled back at him and turned around to resume my search for the bathroom, still a little stunned. I shouldn’t have been surprised to walk in on Claudia and Beck making out, and I guess I wasn’t. The truth was it wasn’t the fact that they’d kissed that had me reeling—it was the kiss itself. It wasn’t just the kiss of two people who were attracted to one another; it was the kiss of two people who
needed
one another. There was desperation in it, a longing so intense, it had been palpable to even me.

It was the kind of kiss I’d once shared with Jake.

Feeling even lower than I had been before, I walked down the hall, wondering if the bathroom was perhaps right, rather than left.

I was approaching an open dorm room door when two familiar voices made me stop in my tracks.

“I’m trying to tell you that you’re fucking up,” I heard Lowe snap.

“I know what I’m doing,” Jake replied, sounding irritated.

Curious, and yes, hoping to overhear my name, I pressed back against the wall and held my breath.

“Jake, I’m confused. I thought you got me to throw this thing, invite her here, so you could talk to her, patch things up. Who the fuck is the redhead?”

My mouth dropped open. They’d orchestrated this party just to get me here? What? Since when did Jake and Lowe work together on anything… especially something involving me?

“The redhead doesn’t matter. The whole point of tonight was to get Charley and me in the same room and show her what life is going to be like for us if we’re not together. Practically strangers at a party. I know Charley. She’s hating this as much as I am. We’re possessive of each other. We need to be in each other’s lives, know what’s going on with each other. Sooner, rather than later, she’s going to realize what a mistake this is. But not if she’s three hours away. It was only when we started hanging out again in Edinburgh that not being together was too hard.”

He was… manipulating me?

I just stopped myself from gasping out loud.

Jake wasn’t over me. This wasn’t… what the hell was this?

“I hate to tell you this but your plan is backfiring. She thinks you’ve moved on so she’s moving on. She thinks this proves that she was right to break up with you.”

“What? What are you talking about?”

I’d done a lot of cowardly things these last few months, but walking away from this wasn’t going to be one of them. Nobody,
nobody
manipulated me, and got away with it!

With anger burning in my blood, I stormed into the dorm room Jake and Lowe had chosen to have their little tête-a-tête. They both blanched when they turned to see who was interrupting them.

My eyes must have registered my feelings of betrayal when they met Lowe’s because he flinched. “Charley, it’s not—”

“Since when do you align yourself with him?” I snapped, gesturing to Jake. “You got together to manipulate me? Are you high?”

He shrugged helplessly. “I was trying to help two friends out. I wasn’t trying to hurt you.” Lowe shook his head, looking between Jake and me. “It was a mistake to get involved and I’m now uninvolving myself.” He was still shaking his head as he walked past, not meeting my fiery gaze.

As soon as he was gone, Jake took a step toward me, holding up his hands in placation. “Don’t be pissed. I was just trying to fix us.”

“No.” I stepped back. “You were playing games, and I thought we were done with that.”

“Charley,” he stared at me, looking incredulous, “did you honestly just expect me to give up, walk away, after everything? I didn’t know what else to do. You wouldn’t have come here if I said I just wanted to hang out, talk, try to actually work out our problems instead of running from them. You’re the one acting like a child here. I just picked up where you left off.”

I couldn’t actually dispute any of that, which made me even more pissed, hurt, defensive, scared and… confused.

I started to shiver. “I… I can’t do this.” I turned away.

I hadn’t taken two steps when I felt his hand wrap around my wrist. Jake tugged me, forcefully, pulling me around so I stumbled into his chest. His lips crashed down on mine, his kiss hungry, desperate, angry…

For a moment I forgot everything else but the hard pressure of his mouth on mine, the smell of his cologne, the feel of his body. I was surrounded.

Drowning.

And I let it happen.

His lips moved from my mouth to my chin, along my jaw, as his hand slid up my waist, his thumb just grazing my breast. I sighed, my body arching into his. I was hot. Hot and wanting. Nothing else mattered but the way I felt when he touched me.

His voice was ragged in my ear. “I’ve missed you so much. I love you so fucking much.” He squeezed my waist and pulled me closer, his mouth reaching for mine again but those three little words had broken through the spell of lust created by Jake’s proximity and the four beers I’d had.

“Stop,” I whispered, pushing gently on his chest.

Instead of stopping, Jake kissed me again.

I pushed harder, breaking contact. “Jake, stop!”

He stumbled back, frustration and something else in his face. Panic? “Charley—”

“No.” I moved away from him, holding a hand out to ward him off. “This was a mistake. We’re…” I trailed off, not really knowing what to say as I tried to catch my breath.

We stared at each other in tense silence.

That’s when I came to the hardest decision of my life.

I felt like someone had stuck burning needles into every muscle in my body, and all I could feel was torturous pain, and I didn’t know why it was necessary. What point it had? Why it had to be that way? I started to imagine that perhaps those needles were my family, and horribly in that moment I resented the hell out of them. “We’re done for good. We can’t be friends and we can’t be this. Lose my number, Jake.”

He looked grief-stricken. “You can’t be serious?”

The tears slipped down my cheeks now and I brushed them hastily away. “Deadly. I won’t answer if you call.”

“Why?” he shook his head, his own resentment building his gorgeous eyes. “Just tell me why. A real answer this time.”

“I told you why. You didn’t listen.”

And just like that, I turned and walked out.

It was hard to make sense of something to someone else when you had a hard time figuring out if it really made sense to yourself. But I wasn’t crazy.

The truth was I’d made a promise. This was me keeping it.

I left Dad at his hotel talking to Mom on the phone, reassuring her that he was all right, I was all right, and that we were… talking things out. Although I still didn’t feel one hundred percent certain that we’d reached an understanding, I hoped we would by the time he left.

For now, I headed to my boyfriend’s apartment.

Something had shifted inside me when Jake sprung to my defense. It didn’t seem like much, but in reality, knowing he had my back was a huge step toward me trusting him. The old Jake was too determined to keep on my dad’s good side to ever interfere in any small parental disputes I might have had. He’d once sat quietly in the corner of the living room while my mom and dad refused to listen to me about being a cop.

He’d changed.

Anxious to see him, I hurried up to his apartment.

“Jake’s not here,” Beck said as I followed him into the kitchen.

Sitting at the kitchen table were Claudia and Lowe. I smiled at my girl. “Have you seen him?”

Claud shook her head. “Nope. But—”

“She’s been too busy planning our summer tour,” Beck interrupted, offering me a can of soda.

“No, thanks.” I raised an eyebrow at Claudia. “Summer tour?”

Lowe grinned. “It’s what we were talking about at Teviot. Claudia is amazing. She’s already helped us book eight gigs for the summer, and she thinks we can turn it into a state tour. It could get us noticed.”

“Isn’t that expensive?”

Lowe shrugged. “We’re pooling our resources. And these are paying gigs.” He nudged Claudia. “Now I just have to convince Claud to be our manager and come on tour with us.”

“If she doesn’t want to, she doesn’t have to,” Beck said, trying—and failing—to sound casual.

I studied them carefully, wondering what I was missing. “Well… that sounds great. And you should think about it, Claudia. It might be a lot of fun to tour with them.”

Claudia shrugged. “I don’t know. Anyway, back to the matter at hand. Jake is—”

“A sappy, overachieving, broody little son of a bitch and you could do much better.” Beck grinned up at me.

I made a face at him and had just turned back to Claudia when I got a text.

You should know I’m in the kitchen of this blond chick I’m kind of in love with. If you see her, tell her I miss her and to get her ass back here.

“Jake is waiting for you—”

“In our apartment,” I finished for Claud, waving my phone at her.

I wondered why Jake had gone back to my place when he knew I was hanging out with my dad. It occurred to me that perhaps he was concerned my dad might’ve said something to change my mind about our relationship. I longed for the days when we could stop reassuring each other about our mutual commitment.

When I got to the apartment, Jake was in the kitchen with Maggie. I tried to be polite to her, but I was in a hurry to talk to my boyfriend so I offered a quick
hello
and
goodbye
as I dragged Jake into my room.

“Eager, are we?”

“I just wanted you to know that we’re okay. Despite my dad and everything.”

Instantly, Jake’s eyebrows puckered. “Speaking of your father… I really want to hear how things went with your dad tonight, but I have to know something that’s been bugging me since he mentioned it… Alex?”

I’d actually forgotten my dad had mentioned Alex’s name. Shit.

Now for the truth. I had no idea how Jake would react to it.

Alex Roster was one of my best friends. But for a while… he was more than that.

I took a deep breath. “The guy, the one I dated for ten months freshman year of college… it was Alex.”

Jake tensed and then he gently pushed me away. “Alex was
the
guy?”

Sensing this was going somewhere bad, I hurried to explain. “After you left, everything was different. We’d both changed and we grew close. We’re really good friends. At college we decided to give it another go. It worked for a while but I couldn’t give him what he wanted and he couldn’t give me what I needed.” I shrugged. “We broke up, but we’ve stayed friends. He’s been seeing his girlfriend Sharon for ages. They’re happy together and—”

“Ten months?” Jake interrupted. He’d paled. “You fucked him?” he whispered hoarsely.

“Jake…” I felt betrayed by the question. “That’s not even fair. You probably fucked an entire sorority house while we were broken up.”

“They weren’t goddamn Alex Roster!” he yelled, brushing past me.

I watched on as he wore out my carpet, pacing back and forth.

“All that time we were dating, you said you had no feelings for him and you were lying to me?”

I’d expected him to not like the news, but I hadn’t expected him to be so angry and hurt. “No, I wasn’t lying. I didn’t have feelings for him then,” I promised. “Like I said, Brett’s death changed us. You breaking my heart changed me. You left, Jake. Alex stayed.”

Jake jerked to a stop, like I’d hit him. “Is that how it’s going to be forever? You winning an argument for the rest of our lives by throwing
that
in my face?”

“I threw it in your face for this particular argument because it has relevance. You wanted to know how I ended up dating Alex.”

“For ten months?” He shook his head in disbelief and slumped down on the bed. “God, the thought of you with him…” Jake closed his eyes. “The thought of you with anyone else…” His dark, tumultuous gaze met mine. “You were in love with him?”

“No.” I sat next to him. “That’s the reason we broke up. He told me he loved me but I didn’t love him. We weren’t right for each other, Jake. He didn’t want me to be a cop, and I’m pretty sure he thinks I’m a little crazy. He drove himself nuts worrying about me. And he… he was too concerned with how everything looked to everyone else. And…” I curled my hand around Jake’s neck, drawing our faces closer. “It was never passionate between us. It was just nice. And you have no idea how heartbreaking ‘just nice’ is when you know what ‘beautiful’ tastes like.”

“Yes, I do,” Jake whispered against my lips before closing his eyes again. He leaned his forehead against mine as he reached for my free hand. “This is how you felt watching me with Melissa?”

“Yes,” I whispered back.

Jake’s expression crumbled and suddenly he was cupping my face in his hands, his anguished eyes blazing into mine. “I am so sorry. I am so sorry I hurt you over and over again.”