Into the Garden (28 page)

"You girls are something," he said. "Those pictures out there," he continued, nodding and laughing. "She's spinning in her grave. Right, Cathy?"
I couldn't talk now. My whole body felt frozen. I couldn't even feel my heart beating.
"So what would she do to protect herself, to keep up her health besides eat like a bird and clean this house for exercise? Just those herbal remedies, remember?"
He reached into his jacket pocket and took out a bottle.
"This was one of her favorites." He looked at it and read, "Pycnogenol." He nodded at it. "I made fun of her all the time, but she was happy about it because that meant I wouldn't take it and she had more for herself."
"Why do you have it now?" I asked. My voice was so thin and small that I didn't recognize it when I spoke. It was as if someone else was in the room with us, asking the question.
"Oh, I didn't want it here any longer," he said. He paused and looked at me hard. "It's the real reason why I broke into the house that night. I didn't realize she had changed the locks on me. I had to break in when I thought you were all away."
"Why?" I asked.
"Why? I was afraid she might have finally convinced you to use this stuff, too, for one thing. For another, I didn't want anyone else to look at
it...closely. You might have noticed there were different kinds of pills in the bottle--though I doubt you would have guessed they were strychnine," he added. "It was sort of a game of Russian roulette I played with her, waiting for the day she would take the right pill. I had a half dozen in here, resembling her precious herbal wonder. I guess it's safe to say now that she did, right?
"Cat got your tongue, Cathy? I remember her asking you that occasionally." He started to laugh and then stopped.
"I was able to check to see if you were telling the truth about the hospital simply by checking on my hospitalization plan, Cathy. She kept that because I had to pay it. To be admitted to any hospital there had to be contact made with the plan, even after an emergency, and none had been made, and as you know, I called every hospital anyway. So I knew you were lying, and when you went through that charade to pretend to go get her, I nearly had a heart attack from laughing. I must say your girlfriend did a nice job sitting in this chair, looking like Geraldine.
"Tell me," he said, "where did she die? Were her eyes wide open, was she grimacing in pain? She was in rigor mortis pretty quickly, right?"
I felt as if I was shrinking, melting, and soon I would disappear in the sofa. Movement, speaking, even breathing seemed out of the question. He didn't notice. He put the bottle back into his pocket and smiled again.
"When you began to do things I knew Geraldine would adamantly forbid, I began to suspect she was indeed gone, but then I thought, if she was, why weren't the police here? Why wasn't someone calling me?
"And then, after I had been here and seen what you and your girlfriends had done and were doing, it came to me. What a wonderful surprise!" he said.
"At first," he continued, "I thought you had just packed her up and taken her someplace and then I saw the changes in our backyard and realized what you and your girlfriends had accomplished."
"You... killed her?" I finally asked.
"No. I helped her out of her misery because that's what she was in ... misery. And she had no right to take you from me like that. None. She was just being vengeful, taking out her miserable life on me. On us," he said. "We were happy for a time before she destroyed it, weren't we?"
"No," I said, but my answer was weak and I was terrified. If he had heard, he decided to pretend he hadn't.
"It's over now, anyway. We can forget about it all. But we can't stay here, Cathy. Don't worry. I have a nice surprise for you. Guess what I did. I bought a houseboat. That's right. I don't know if you'll remember when I took you to the marina one afternoon and you were so intrigued with the sea and with the boats, and then we went on that houseboat one of my clients owned. Remember that? You thought it was a fun idea to live on the water so you could move your house around whenever you wanted to. Remember?"
I shook my head even though I did.
"Sure you do. Anyway, we have it now. We're going to have such a good time," he said. "Just the two of us, away from all this, and anytime we feel like it, we'll move." He laughed. "Isn't it wonderful?"
"No," I said. "I won't go with you."
His smile softened and then faded. The dark, gruesome face that replaced it was very frightening because I hadn't ever seen him so angry.
"Sure you'll go, Cathy. If you don't," he said, "you and especially your friends will be in a great deal of trouble. You girls buried her, not me," he pointed out. "And when they come and dig her up and examine her, they'll think you and your girlfriends killed her, too. They'll all go to prison. Do you want that to happen?"
My eyes began to fill with hot tears, so hot they burned under my lids. I shook my head.
"Good," he said, clapping his hands. "It won't happen then. You go upstairs and pack a little bag. Take what you want for now and we'll come back in a few days and get more. Eventually, we'll take whatever we want from the house and then one day, we'll have a convenient fire. Maybe Geraldine will be consumed in it. I'll figure it out for us, don't worry, and none of your friends will be in trouble. Until then, let's start to enjoy our houseboat.
"Oh, it's so much fun, Cathy. You can't imagine what it's like to wake up and smell the sea every morning. It stirs up your appetite. You'll be able to make me breakfast. It will be wonderful. Just what Geraldine would have hated to see:' he said, laughing.
"Okay." He continued moving toward the front door. "Now that I know what is happening here, I'll bring the car around. You go upstairs, pack your stuff and I'll be right along."
He crossed the room and leaned down to kiss me on the forehead.
"I'm here for you again, sweetheart. Daddy's back."
His hand brushed some strands of hair from my face and then he walked out.
When he closed the front door behind him, it was as if a clap of thunder had sounded through the house, shaking my very bones.
What evil had we buried when we buried Geraldine?

For a few moments I was actually unable to move. Every muscle in my body was frozen with fear. I couldn't even take a deep breath because I felt as if I had as much
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earth on my chest as Geraldine had on hers. The air around me was thick and heavy, too. Tiny electrical charges crackled and sparked. I closed my eyes and prayed all this had just been another nightmare, but when I opened them again, I realized, of course, that it had been real. He was here and he was coming back for me.

What was Ito do? With the speed of lightning, different options passed through my mind. I could get up and go out the back to hide or maybe escape over the wall. But where would I go and what would that solve? I could do what Stuart had told me to do and call the police. How would the girls feel about that? What would I have done to them? I could stay here and plead with my father, maybe try to bluff him with threats, but I was never good at that sort of thing, and I was far too fragile now to put up anything
resembling a convincing facade.

If I didn't do what he wanted, he would call the police himself and all of us would be in big trouble. I could envision even the girls wondering if I hadn't been the one to put the poison in Geraldine's jar of herbal remedies. At minimum there would be significant enough suspicion to have a long and painful investigation. All of them would be in big trouble and now, when they were all having such a good time finally. Larry might change his mind about marrying Star. David would certainly stop seeing Jade, and Misty would lose her new boyfriend, too. All this would happen, not to mention it would wrench their families' lives even further apart than they were.

Just thinking about Star's granny, how kind she had been to me and how fragile she was, made me shudder at the possibilities. How much were they supposed to bear? Their own problems had ruptured their relationships and their home lives. They didn't need mine, too.

I had no real choice. I had brought them into all this. I couldn't be selfish and cause them all this grief. It was too late to think about myself anymore. I had given that up when I had called Jade and told her Geraldine was dead. I should have called the police immediately. Should have, could have, hindsight, the moans and groans of the guilty and stupid, Geraldine used to say. "When you're drowning because you were careless or foolish, wrap an excuse around yourself and see how long it keeps you floating."

She was right. It was too late for excuses. None would keep me from drowning.
Leaning heavily on my crutches to pull myself up, I rose and started toward the stairs, walking, I'm sure, like some convict heading for the electric chair. Visions of my future made me numb. I was
mechanical, taking one step after another, holding onto the railing as I ascended. When I got to my room and gazed around, I couldn't think of anything I wanted to take.
For a few seconds, I contemplated suicide. I could go into the bathroom, lock the door, cut my wrists and put them in a sink filled with hot water. Maybe before he got the door opened I would die. But then what? Would the girls be safe? He would be free to say whatever he wanted, wouldn't he? He would tell the police I couldn't live with what I and the girls had done. They might even pity him, not me, not us!
All I could come up with finally was the hope that if I gave myself some time, I might think of something. For now, there was nothing to do but follow his orders. I filled a small overnight bag with necessities. Before I was finished, he came charging up the stairs.
"How we doing?" he asked, his face flushed with excitement.
"I don't know what to take along," I said.
"Don't worry about it. We can come back from time to time and get whatever you want." He clapped his hands together, rubbing the palms as he walked into my room and looked at everything, smiling.
"I like the changes you made: new curtains, bedding, pictures, but wait until you see the houseboat. It's luxurious, everything Geraldine hated and thought opulent or ostentatious. I've got oak cabinets and paneling, with solid oak trim throughout, chrome faucets in the bath- rooms, a Sub-Zero refrigerator, a deluxe sound system, big screen television set." He laughed. "She thought she knew where all my money was, but I was smart," he added, pointing to his temple with his right forefinger. "I envisioned this day would come and I stashed money in places she couldn't ever find. She thought she was so perceptive when it came to that, checking on every penny. That was her biggest trouble
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thinking she was smarter than me in every way."
He saw I was just standing there staring at him and he blinked and glanced once more at the room. Then he laughed.
"What the heck did you girls do with our bedroom? What's that supposed to be in there, huh?" He brought his face closer to mine. "Is something weird going on here, something you want to tell me?"
"No, nothing weird. It was our meditation room, where we went to calm down and think and be ..."
"What?"
"Together," I said. He'd never understand what MP meant, and he might even get angry, I thought.
"Right. Well, you won't need that sort of thing anymore. Let's get going," he said. "I want to get some things from the garage. I'll meet you outside."
He left and I gazed at the clock. The girls would be here in less than an hour now and they wouldn't find me. What would they do? I wondered and it occurred to me that they might do something that would get them into trouble. I had to leave them a note. I was positive they would go around back to get into the house so that would be the best place to leave it. Not sure what to say, I started to write.
Dear Jade, Star, and Misty,
I'm sorry I can't continue with things the way they are. I'll be all right if you all would simply concentrate on yourselves now and find happiness. Please just turn and walk away and forget everything. Don't come back to the house. Don't try to call me or find me. I love you all and appreciate everything you've all done for me, but now it's time for you to do things for yourselves and your own families. Please, please, please, for my sake, do what I ask.
Love always, Cat
It was the first time I had ever signed my name like that. It brought tears to my eyes. I quickly folded the note and headed downstairs. I could hear him opening and closing cabinets in the garage, so I made my way back to the kitchen, found Scotch tape in the drawer where it was kept and taped the note to the outside of the back door. I put the tape on doubly thick to be sure the wind wouldn't blow it off.
"Cathy?" I heard him call.
I closed the door softly. If he found the note, he would be angry, I thought. Almost tiptoeing, I returned to the front of the house. He was at the front door.
"Where were you?"
"I was very thirsty, so I got a drink of water," I said. He stared, his eyes darkening with suspicion.
"Did you call someone?"
"No," I said quickly.
"If you did, you'll only make things harder for everyone," he warned.
"I didn't call anyone. I swear," I said.
He considered and then he smiled.
"No, I don't think you did. I think you want to be with me now. I know you realize I'm the only one who really cares for you, right? Isn't that right?" he insisted.
"Yes," I said. I tried to swallow after I said it, but my throat wouldn't open.
"Good. Well," he said, looking at the house, "let's bid this prison good riddance once and for all. Need help?"
"No, I'm fine," I said. There were tears under my lids, but I was holding them back. If he saw me cry, he would get enraged for sure, I thought. I lowered my head and started out. He held the door open for me and then he shut it hard, took me by the elbow and guided me to the car. He put my small overnight bag in the back, closed the door, and got in. For a moment he just stared at the garage.
"Remember when I made that dent?" he said, nodding at the place on the garage where he had backed the car into it. "She wouldn't let me fix it. She wanted it to remain there forever as a way of reminding me I had screwed up, like some scar. I was always tempted to do it again for spite." His brow folded and then relaxed when he turned to me. "That's all behind us now. Think of it as nothing more than a bad dream. It's time to wake up and be happy."
He started the engine and turned on the radio.
"Remember how she hated my playing the radio loud and especially hated it if I put it on one of those stations that played contemporary music? 'How can you concentrate on your driving with all this racket, Howard? Lower it,' she commanded, like some general.
"Orders. She loved to give orders." He laughed. "I bet she's giving Satan orders now and he's wishing she was good enough for heaven. Maybe he thinks she's another way to punish him, huh?"
He put the car into reverse and backed us out.
"Look at that sky. It looks even better down by the ocean, Cathy. The water makes it seem ...I don't know, bluer. I suppose there's some reason for it."
He started away. I looked back at the house. Suddenly, it didn't look half as bad as it always had. Suddenly, it looked like an old friend, deserted, left to wither and die alone with only the echo of our voices and our footsteps reverberating and evaporating, leaving it in silence and darkness, a monument to the troubled, sad family it had somehow served despite the tears, the cries, the moans, and small prayers for mercy that were the measurements of my desperate little existence.
My father seemed to blossom with light the farther we got from the house. He talked continuously throughout the trip to the marina, describing some of the things he had been doing since he had left our home.
"I actually did much better at work. I made a lot of money these past few months, Cathy, and I lucked out with the houseboat. I had this client who had just bought it, hardly used it, and lost money in some stupid investments. I saw a chance to get something for nearly half the original cost and pounced. The kitchen is bigger than the one in the house!
"It's got a nice living room and two bedrooms, not that I expect we'll have any guests sleeping over anytime soon. I want us to spend lots and lots of time together without any outside interference. We've got to get to know each other all over again, Cathy. The truth is, honey, we just have each other in this world. You know what I think of my family. I couldn't care less of what they thought of me, never did.
"You don't even have to go back to school if you don't want to. I'm thinking seriously of taking a year off. I can afford it now. I could do some business from time to time just to keep my hand in things, but we could travel. You know, we could go up the coast to Canada. Wouldn't that be something? There are some beautiful things to see, places to go.
"That's what I like about this new home...it's got freedom written all over it, and you know how trapped we both were back there with the warden."
He glanced at me and nodded.
"I know all this is strange and new to you, but you'll be surprised at how quickly that will change. You'll become a sailor. Now about that ankle...what else has to be done?"
"I'm supposed to go back for another X-ray the day after tomorrow," I said. "If I don't, the doctor will call."
"We'll go back. What's the big deal? Until then, we'll take it easy on you. No housework for my princess for a while, huh? I'll do the cooking tonight, too. I've become a good cook, Cathy. The truth is I was always a better cook than Geraldine, but she wouldn't stand for the spices and the seasoning, so we had to put up with bland food and pretend everything was hunky-dory."
"I never heard you complain about her food," I said.
"What good was it to complain about anything? Would she change anything? Would she deviate from her religious observance of her schedules and methods? No, a complaint just made things more miserable for us, for you," he said. "That's why I stayed and I put up with all her crap. You! I knew how she would take out her anger on you, so I kept my mouth shut.
"But that's all past us, Cathy. Let's make a pact to try to forget about it. Let's start all over, okay? Yeah," he said, liking his idea more and more, "let's do this. Let's pretend you and I are completely different people now. Don't think of me as Daddy anymore Think of me as the man who will protect and keep you happy forever and ever. In fact, I want you to call me Howard from now on, from this minute on, okay?"
I knew why he wanted that. It put a small buzzing in the base of my stomach, making me feel like I had a large fly there trying to find its way out.
He turned up the radio, sang along, and smiled at me. "Wait until you see our new home," he declared. "I can't wait to see your face."
He had the houseboat docked near a place called Fisherman's Village in Marina del Rey. The boat was bigger than I had imagined He said it was nearly forty-five feet long. As we got out of the car and made our way to it, he continued to describe it, telling me it had twin inboard engines. The deckhouse featured a ten-foot long dinette, an inside control station, and a bar. The galley was a full- fledged kitchen open to the deckhouse and adjacent to the bar. There were big windows providing lots of light.
He was proud of the outside area with its full walk- around decks, covered bow with a lounge seat, plus a huge sundeck and flying bridge control station with back- to-back seats. He seemed to know a lot about the boat, rattling off so many details, it made my head spin. I knew he was trying to impress me.
I was surprised at how roomy it was inside and how large the main bedroom was. It had a queen-size bed, carpeted floors, dressers, and a large built-in armoire. There seemed to be as much closet space as we had in the house.
"Just make yourself at home," he said. "Look around, explore, and then go up and sit on the deck, and enjoy the sea air," he told me. "I'm going over to the supermarket. I thought we'd have a special dinner tonight, filet mignon. I'll get us an apple pie and some ice cream for dessert. I know how you liked that whenever she let us have it," he said, and then slapped his hand over his mouth as if to stop any more words from emerging.
"Oops, my fault. I know, I know. I mentioned her and the past. You've got to stop me, Cathy, as soon as I do that. Okay?" He laughed. "You look stunned. It's beautiful, I know. You're going to be very happy here, very happy.
"I'll be right back," he said, and went off to the super- market.
I hobbled around looking at it all. I was surprised and even a little frightened by how many pictures of me he had. Apparently, he had taken many with him when he left the house and more when he had broken in. When I opened the armoire in the master bedroom, I discovered my mother's letters at the bottom, just behind pairs of his shoes. At least he hadn't destroyed them, I thought, and took them out. Then I went onto the deck, sat in a chair facing the outlet of the cove, and pulled the next letter from the pile. It was better than just sitting around and waiting for the world to fall on me, I thought. I had to keep my mind on something or I would go mad with fear.
My darling daughter
she began this one.
Yesterday, I had the first sense that I might have made a serious mistake by giving you over to Geraldine. When the idea of having her and Howard adopt you was presented, she offered no resistence nor even suggested the slightest unhappiness about it; yet today I discovered that she has yet to give you some of the things I bought you. When I confronted her about it, she told me you weren't ready to receive things and you wouldn't appreciate them.
That wasn't why I bought them for you. I wanted to do things for you from the start and to always do things for you. I explained that to Geraldine, but she seemed hardened, different, almost as if she had undergone some serious change in her personality. To be honest, she actually frightened me a little. Her eyes were so small and dark when I spoke to her
Your grandfather doesn't think anything of it. He says she's just adjusting to having an infant in the house. Of course, he might be right. I hope he's right, but as silly as it might seem right now, I wanted you to know why I haven't been visiting you as much. Geraldine makes it more and more difficult for me, discouraging me, telling me not to come today or finding some reason for me not to come tomorrow.
And she hasn't been here for weeks, months actually. She's turned down almost every invitation, finding some excuse or another why she or she and Howard can't make it for lunch or dinner I've even offered to take them both and you, of course, on a vacation with us, but she's b coming something of a hermit.
Howard complained to me about her a few days ago. He was here discussing a business in- vestment and he stopped in the sitting room to talk to me about her He says he can't even get her to go out to dinner anymore. I don't know what to make of it all. I'm worried.
Of course, I will call and try to visit as much as I can. Maybe it will all pass. Maybe Franklin is right: it's just a temporary adjustment to having a child for whom she must care and nourish.
That is a demanding responsibility and not everyone has the same reaction to it.
Howard is very unhappy, too. I told him I would do what I could, but then he went and said something to Geraldine about our conversation and now, this afternoon actually, she accused me of conspiring with him against her. Whatever I do seems to be wrong and to only make matters worse.
I wanted you to know all this. Isn't it silly? You're still an infant and I'm talking to you as if you were old enough to understand. Oh well, these letters are meant to be read when you can understand and I'm just trying to give you a sense of your history, our history.
Love, Mother