Into the Wild Nerd Yonder (22 page)

I wish I could explain what happened the rest of the day, but I’m a bit confused myself. It seemed like there was some sort of plotline, like the queen was not really a queen and one of the other royals in town was actually the rightful heir. Or something like that. There were all of these messenger types in tights and puffy pants who delivered rolled-up papers from the castle. If we were just sitting around playing D&D, I guess these would have come from the Dungeon Master, but they’re essentially the same thing. Based on the messages, we know what’s going on in town, who we’re supposed to hate, and what it is we should do about it. It was still confusing to me, so mostly I just walked behind the baroness and tended to her needs every time she snapped her fingers. The guys got
into their roles, acting like they liked certain people and hated others. I pretend that I am living inside a PBS miniseries (it seems more cultural somehow), but one that isn’t in English. I get the gist of things, but mainly I do a lot of following and nodding.

I manage to get in some quality privy time while we’re in town, although
quality
is hardly a word I should use around these privies. They are essentially a line of holes in the ground covered by a line of holes to sit on (does anyone really
sit
on those wooden openings?) divided by a line of weak, wooden walls. But at least I have no trouble with my aim.

Day turns to night, and I’m exhausted from being out in the sun all day and following someone’s snapping orders. The day ends with a “feast” at the Inn of mainly bread and soup and some corn on the cob (although that ran out quickly and they tried to substitute it with carrots). It is a definite half-assed hodgepodge, but I figure the less I eat, the smaller the chance of a poop in the woods.

By the time our feast is over (should my stomach be growling after a feast?), it’s pitch black out except for the town’s torches. Thankfully Philip remembered to bring our lantern, but we still barely manage to find our house. It takes many stumbles and one close call of me tripping into the fabric of a house and nearly ripping the wall down before we find our place by the edge of the forest. It is way creepier at night. Now I know how the Hogwarts gang feels when they have to enter the Forbidden Forest. Too bad I left my wand at home.

We line our sleeping bags up inside the house and just manage to fit all seven of us. It’s a little too close for comfort, but also slightly comforting to be this close. Who knows what kind of monsters lurk between the trees? (I really should stop with the Stephen King audiobooks.) My sleeping place is next to the “door” on one side and Dottie on the other, with her next to Doug and the rest of the guys down the line. My position is bad for two reasons: One is the fact that there’s no one between me and the door if something wicked this way comes, and two is that a slight breeze keeps blowing through the door directly onto my sleeping bag, which of course makes me cold, and which eventually, I’m sure, will make me have to pee.

We sleep in our clothes (which Dottie claims is historically accurate, but I’m just grateful that I don’t have to worry about changing in front of these guys). Dottie and I take off our corsets, though, because her mom would kill her if the wire boning got bent in our sleep. Plus, I like to be able to breathe while sleeping. Maybe that’s just me, though.

Normally I read or listen to a book in order to fall asleep, but it’s so dark in here (and I’m afraid that I’ll be attacked if I bring out my—gasp!—iPod). I try to think relaxing thoughts, but it’s hard to relax in such a strange place next to such a spooky forest in a tiny fabric house with a group of mainly guys that I’ve only been friends with for a couple of weeks. It doesn’t help that our house is way too quickly filled with the sounds of even breathing (and a little snoring) that lets me know that everyone else is having a perfectly easy time falling asleep.

I wriggle my sleeping bag, and it makes that slithery, crispy sleeping bag sound. The wind blows. I wriggle. Blows. Wriggle. Repeat. And I realize I really have to pee. What am I supposed to do? I don’t have a flashlight, and the lantern is out. Dottie taught me earlier how to pee from a tree: Hug the tree with both arms, plant your feet around the base of the tree, and lean back. Guaranteed not to pee on your feet, she says. But how am I even supposed to find a tree? It’s so dark. Dark and scary and crackly and—

I sit up. My sleeping bag makes a quick, slick noise. I can’t sit here all night without peeing, but I’m petrified of going out into the dark alone. What other choice do I have? Wetting my sleeping bag (and the clothes I have to wear again tomorrow) doesn’t sound like the best plan. I’m going to have to brave the forest.

I quietly unzip my sleeping bag and try to make as little noise as possible when I stand up. It’s so dark that I have to feel around for the door, and even when my hand finds fabric I’m not sure if it will get me out of here or bring the whole building down. I accidentally knock my knuckle on one of the wooden beams and automatically blurt, “Shit!”

“Jessie?” a whisper comes from the other end of the house (i.e., less than ten feet away).

“Yeah? Who’s that?” I whisper back.

“Henry. What are you doing?”

“I have to pee.” I sort of hope that our whisper conversation rouses Dottie so she can go with me. No luck, as I hear her snort, roll over, and snort again.

“Do you need a light?” Henry asks.

“Yes, please. It’s so dark.” I hear him rustle around on the ground, then a wrapper crinkles, a pop, and a green glow hovers in Henry’s hand. “A glow stick? Did they have those in medieval times?” I joke.

“Let’s just say it’s a magic wand,” he whispers.

He gestures like he’s going to toss it, but I stop him with, “No! I don’t want it to hit anyone. I can’t see where my hands are to catch it.”

“Hold on,” he says, and I follow the stick as it unzips Henry’s sleeping bag. I can see the faint glow of his bare chest.

He tucks himself under the fabric flap nearest him, and I hear twigs crack as he makes his way along the outside of our house. I manage to find my way out of the door without pain this time, and I meet him in the green light.

“Will you come with me?” I ask desperately.

“To pee?” He sounds embarrassed.

“You don’t have to watch—or listen, thank you—but I don’t want to go into the forest alone. Please?” I’m making a pathetic, pleading face, but I doubt he can see it.

“All right. But can you do it fast? It’s cold.”

He finds my hand in the dark and leads us into the forest with his glow stick guiding the way. I want to be several trees deep in case someone sees. I spot a perfectly sized tree for the grab-and-lean. “Now go stand over there,” I tell him. He
starts to walk away, but the darkness envelops me. “Wait! Come back. You have to stand closer. But you can’t look or listen.”

“Jessie, believe me, I don’t want to watch you pee, but how am I supposed to not hear it?”

“Cover your ears and hum something.”

“Hum what?” he asks, and I’m desperate to start peeing.

“ ‘I’m a Little Teapot!’ Go! Start humming!” Henry turns away, covers his ears and hums. I hike up my skirt, wrap myself around the tree, and go. I hum along with Henry in hopes that it helps cover up the pit-pat sound my pee makes on the forest floor.

When I am absolutely finished, I yell-whisper, “Okay!” but Henry is too in the humming groove to notice. I walk up to him, yank the glow stick out of his hand, and tap him on the head with it. “Poof. You can stop humming now.”

“All done?” he asks.

“No, I’m still going, but I thought I’d let you stop humming. Careful, I might get it on your shoes.”

He smiles a giant, sweet smile, and I know now that I
want
all of those dreams I’ve been having to come true. At first, the old me doesn’t quite know how to handle the situation, but Imalthia reminds me that I’m not such a wuss after all. I boldly lean in and kiss him. At first Henry tentatively kisses me back, then brings his hands up and cradles my face. We kiss each other in the green glow of the Forbidden Forest.

“Mmmm,” I say as we float apart. “That girl from band camp was right.”

“Hmmm?” he asks, but he kisses me again before I need to answer. If this is what kissing a nerd is like, I don’t know why I ever bothered trying to be cool.

When we are sufficiently kissed out and weak-kneed from standing, I say, “We should probably get some sleep. Who knows what weird stuff we’re going to have to do tomorrow.” He feels for my hand to hold, but I say, “Uh, better not. I think I may have peed on my hand a little earlier.”

“I’m so glad you told me this
now.
”

“I didn’t touch you with it!”

“I know. I mean, I’m glad you told me now instead of before we kissed. ‘I peed on my hand’ doesn’t really set the mood, you know?”

“For some people it might,” I blather as we make our way back to the house.

“Jessie,” Henry says as we get to the door, “good night,” and he leans in for one more soft kiss.

He holds the door open for me, and I raise the glow stick high in the air as he climbs over bodies and into his sleeping bag. I tuck into mine, clutching the glow stick to my chest until it fades out and I fall asleep.

When I wake up to the welcome light of morning, I don’t remember any of my dreams. But who needs dreams?

SUNDAY IS A WHIR OF WEIRDness, and I find myself involved in a chase after Dottie the Baroness “accidentally” pours porridge onto the queen’s head. (I have no idea if this was written on one of our messages, only that Dottie yelled, “Run!” and I am always supposed to do what she says.) We run through the town, past the stalls and tents, then into the field, darting between houses. It’s a little terrifying being chased, even if it is fake, but it’s also a total rush. I’m laughing and screaming the entire way.

We eventually end up in the forest, ducking behind a tree. Just as we hear the drum of footsteps approaching, a bell clangs in the distance. Dottie instantly pops out of hiding and yells (to our pursuers, I assume), “Too slow, bitches! Game over!” I hesitantly stand, but Dottie is already heading out of the forest. I follow her, my skirt hiked up in my hands.

“What’s going on?” I yell after her. “Is it over?”

She turns around and says, “High noon. You can turn back into a pumpkin now.”

“Did we win?” I ask, totally confused.

“No one got hurt, and no one got captured, so I guess so.”

I don’t know if I’ll ever get this, but that’s okay. Maybe I don’t need to get an A in everything.

Back at the house, I’m about to pull the fabric down off the frame when Doug yells, “Wait! We need somewhere to change.” I forgot that we brought regular clothes to change into for the ride home. As uncomfortable and slutty as my costume is, I’m going to miss wearing it. Maybe it’s
because
it’s uncomfortable and slutty.

Dottie and I head into the house first and change. “Shit,” Dottie sighs, “I forgot a bra.” Thankfully I remembered mine, and I put it on along with a pair of jeans, a T-shirt, and a hoodie. I slip my knee-high boots back on and tuck them under my jeans. It’s the guys’ turn to change, and I meet Henry on his way in. He still looks adorable, his hair a little crazy from the lack of washing, and his pants and shoes dusty. He looks at me in my regular clothes. “You’re back,” he says, and I detect a note of disappointment.

“You wanted me to wear that costume forever?”

He shrugs. “Can you blame me? You looked pretty hot.”

“Thanks. So how do I look now?” I ask sarcastically.

“Equally hot,” he recovers, “just less exposed.” Henry gently flicks one of my French braids, which I decided to keep in for the rest of the day. “I like your hair like this,” he muses. “It frames your face beautifully.” I blush and wish the two of
us were still alone in the green light of the glow stick. Kent lets out a huge burp, and I know we’re not.

I kick Henry’s black shoe with my boot. “Maybe you can wear these sometimes, you know, instead of your white gym shoes?” I don’t mean to, but I scrunch my nose at the mention of his white gym shoes.

“You don’t like my white gym shoes?”

“To be honest, not really. They’re just so—white.”

Henry laughs. “That they are. I never really thought about it. Maybe you can go shopping with me for some new shoes.”

“Only if you want to, of course.” I don’t want him to think I’m trying to completely change him. At the same time, I can’t help what I’m attracted to. No one can, right?

“I need some new shoes anyway. I grew out of the white ones last month.”

“Shoe shopping. It’s a date.” I take his hands and swing them gently while we talk.

“And maybe while we’re out, we can find you another corset.”

“In your dreams,” I say, although, technically, it’s in mine.

We finish packing up as we sip on warm Coke that we left in the van. Everyone is a little quiet from exhaustion and the realization that the weekend is finally over. Before we get into
the van, Kent announces, “I’d just like to say that this year’s Fudwhalla would not have been what it was were it not for the glorious sewing skills of Jessie Sloan. I raise this warm Coke to you, Jessie. Huzzah!” Everyone else raises their Cokes, too. “Huzzah!” They repeat. “Huzzah!”

IT’S HOMECOMING WEEKEND, AND my friends and I have decided that instead of some of us going to the dance and others staying home, we’d make it a Dungeons and Dragons marathon weekend. Henry’s parents are home Saturday night, so we decide to play at my house. My parents promise to leave just as soon as Barrett and Chloe pose for one more round of photos (the previous rounds being in the living room, the backyard, and the garden, with the current round taking place in front of Barrett’s car because Dad says, “When you look back at these pictures in twenty years, you’ll laugh at how classic your car was!”). Barrett looks great in a powder blue tux, complete with ruffley shirt and polished white shoes (which are acceptable due to the kitsch factor), and Chloe looks gorgeous in a vintage mauve dress with a full pleated skirt that hits just below her knees. Throughout the painfully long photo session, my friends are dropped off at our house. First Kent, then Philip, then Doug and Dottie, and lastly Henry’s mom drops off Henry and Eddie. My parents pause from the photo extravaganza to wave at their parents, and my friends gather in a clump on the lawn to watch the homecoming couple.