Authors: Sommer Marsden
He’d wanted to stay and she’d wanted to accommodate him, but halfway through Chinese and drinks, she’d realised if she let him stay that would be that. Sophie wasn’t ready for that to be that, because as nice as their time together was, as great as the sex had been, it smacked her in the face somewhere around shrimp toast that there was really no point to it.
And she couldn’t ignore it any more.
‘Soph, if you change your mind and want me to come back –’ Tony ran a finger down the logo on her sweatshirt ‘– or if you want me to come over another night, you know where to find me.’
Sophie smiled and stood on tiptoe to kiss him. ‘I do.’
‘You know, as good as you looked in those slick black leggings, you look 50 times sexier in a sweatshirt and yoga pants.’ He gripped her ass and pulled her in for one more kiss.
‘Thanks. It’s been …’ She didn’t know what to say. ‘It was super-hot. It was fun,’ she said, finally.
‘Ah, “it’s been fun” … the kiss of death.’ He grinned.
She blushed.
‘It’s OK, Sophie. But like I said, if you change your mind, just give me a call.’
Then he was gone.
Sophie flopped to the sofa. ‘Are you stupid?’ she asked the ceiling. ‘What is wrong with you? He’s perfect. Good in bed, funny, nice, you like the same things and yet –’
Simon, thinking she was talking to him, bounded up onto the sofa and licked her face until she damn near fell off the sofa. Her cell rang and she found it on the coffee table in the Chinese food debris.
‘Hello?’
‘I heard that wild monkey sex, girl,’ Kevin said. ‘I was minding my own business, getting a blowjob in my room when –’
‘Kevin!’
‘Oh, please, Miss
Oh God! Oh God! Oh yes!
’
Sophie covered her face, mortified, even though Kevin couldn’t see her. ‘Sorry,’ she said.
‘Don’t be. Any Oh-God-worthy sexual event is worth celebrating. Does this mean you two are back together?’
‘No,’ she said. ‘I realised … after, that it was awesome but not what I want.’
Silence.
‘Kev?’
‘Sorry. You just shocked me is all. Well, good for you, Miss Sophie. Maybe you need to figure out what it is you really want. Now that the distraction is taken care of.’
‘Distraction?’
‘Horniness.’
He laughed once, made a kiss noise, and hung up.
Sophie regarded Simon and then glanced at the time. ‘I should go to bed,’ she said. ‘But I’m never going to sleep. I just know it.’
She was wrong. Between the heavy food, the drinks, and the sex, she was out like a light in moments. She had horrible, horrible dreams of her and Tony – married and old. Fighting about Chinese food and the best way to get downtown in heavy traffic. What to watch on late-night TV and bickering over dirty underpants on the floor. All the stuff that had been annoying and monotonous when they were together.
She got up and dragged herself to a particularly long and boring day at work where she tried to meditate on the energy of the Universe opening her soul to itself. A sort of low level depression settled over her and she dragged her ass home feeling restless and a bit useless. She found herself too tired but wired to sleep and resigned herself to a night of insomnia, counting the ways she was spiritually broken. But it didn’t last long. She fell asleep wondering if her third eye could weep with the other two.
Sophie slept like the dead from midnight until four in the morning. Then her eyes popped open and her mind went on red alert, the thoughts turning and turning until she felt dizzy with them.
Great fears that this was all there was. There was just her job, her apartment, and her dog. Nothing more for her. Thoughts that all she’d put out in the Universe was a home, an occupation, and a furry companion. She’d never really considered love, partnership, marriage, or family. Often she’d thought she didn’t want it and now she was wondering if she was right.
She sat straight up, her heart speeding with the anxious thoughts.
‘What if there really is no more of me to find?’ she growled.
Her feet hit the floor, the wood planks cold; the temperature must have dropped. ‘Simon come,’ she said, her voice a bit harsh in the early morning silence.
He rose from his bed, ever ready to greet her. She pulled on thick socks and her slouchy boots, leaving her pyjama pants in place. Simon padded out with her as she found her scarf and coat and key. She clipped him to his leash and out the door they went.
The morning could hardly be called that. It was pitch black out and freezing. Her breath left her body in ghostly clouds of white mist. Simon did his business and then eagerly inspected an abandoned coffee cup; he licked it once and turned to look at her.
‘Don’t look at me. I didn’t do it.’ She stared up at the few stars she could see and let the cold invade her bones. It hurt, sort of, but it felt good too. It was the first time she’d felt truly awake in a long time.
‘I think I need a shower,’ she said to the dog, but her head was still tipped back to the sky. ‘And then …’
He stared at her, thumped his tail on the cracked pavement.
‘Then I guess I need to think, handsome. At least there’s one man in my life who’ll always love me.’
Simon thumped his tail again and chuffed. She swore sometimes he spoke English. If only he were human.
The shower was hot but failed to unwind her the way it normally would. Hours still before work. If she wanted to go, that was. The idea of crawling back into bed and hiding from this whole assignment and the tornado of thoughts it had stirred up was tempting.
Coffee and the early morning news didn’t work.
‘Come on, Simon. We’re going to the trail. I’m crazy to even think about it since it’s – what? Four degrees outside? But you’re a Husky, right? You don’t care.’
Big, blue eyes regarded her and as usual he looked like he was smiling.
‘I’ll take that as consent.’
She dressed in layers and even remembered to put the thermal headband around her neck. She didn’t need it to protect her ears, her hat did that, but sometimes if she got it in her mind to run during the cold weather she pulled it over her mouth and chin to keep the cold out.
‘I look like a burglar, right?’ She snorted, clipped him to his lead, and grabbed her key. It was barely five a.m. Still black as night out there.
Hawley Trail ran through a large amount of woods and she would rarely get it in her mind to hike it. Never in below freezing weather. Never in the dark. And yet the fear that had boiled up in her when she awoke felt almost suffocating. She needed to get out. To move. And Simon, though sweet and gorgeous and friendly, was still a big dog. No one would mess with her when he was around.
She breached the mouth of the trail, enjoying the sound of her boots crunching through brittle, frozen snow. Simon seemed to have an extra pep in his step.
‘You live for this, don’t you, boy?’ she said. ‘This is your element.’
He simply huffed, trotting along, leading the way. Getting to the trail itself had been a good 15-minute walk and now she found herself clumping through the woods with nothing but a flashlight and a Husky to help her out.
‘You’ve lost your mind,’ she muttered. ‘There could be serial killers and rapists and – bears – out here. Well, probably not bears. But still.’
She’d tucked her pocket knife in her coat pocket. A habit she’d gotten into because of her father. The year she’d turned ten he’d given her her very own pocket knife and he’d drilled it into her over and over again that she should always have one. ‘They’re not just for boys,’ he’d said. ‘Everyone should be prepared.’
And so she had been. She’d plotted everything. Her career, her future home, her dog. But she’d never thought to plot out her love life. Could you even do that? Sophie had always figured it would take care of itself. That she’d find a man, get swept up in him and him in her. She’d fall in love and have good sex and say “I do” and eventually maybe bring small people into the world.
But no man had ever swept her away. Not even the ones who had told her they loved her. In fact, she was pretty sure she’d never reciprocated that sentiment. She knew for a fact one man who’d told her that had received an awkward and sad “Thank you” in response.
‘But that’s in the past,’ she told herself. Though a new fear filled her. Would she find love, or something along those lines, if she was looking for it?
Did she really want to look or was it that she thought she
should
?
‘Now I’m just scaring the shit out of myself,’ she said to the dog. He wasn’t listening. He was leading her along, his paws padding over the untouched snow. The deeper they got, the more pristine it was. People were finding it too cold to hike.
Sophie had no idea how long she walked with Simon. Long enough to lose the feeling in her face despite the fleece band across the lower half. Her whole body felt chilled and slow and yet the sky was lightening to a lovely shade of periwinkle. She didn’t want to miss it.
Would she freeze to death if she tried to wait for sunrise? Doubtful. It just might feel like it.
‘I’m not going to work,’ she told the dog. ‘And I have to stop talking to you so much. It’s something a crazy person would do.’
She’d text Temperance, let her know she was working from home today. The luxury of being a magazine writer. You often got to traipse all over the place in the name of work. Today she’d do exactly what she’d been assigned. She’d find part of herself. Even some small part would work for her.
Simon pulled her to a ledge of rocks. Giant boulders laid out and staggered before a small waterfall. During the day, with the sun beating down on the varied shades of brown and grey, this area looked like some giant sleeping serpent’s back. It was richer and slicker in the dark. Like black mountains in the gloom. She walked faster, trying to keep up with Simon, who snuffled along happily.
Finally, she sat. She pulled his lead so that he obeyed and sat too, then she unclipped him. As the sky began to lighten to pink, she put her chin in her hand and watched the show. Just as the sun started to penetrate the gloom, just as bits of orange and yellow could be spotted, she groaned aloud, ‘What am I going to do?’
A voice answered. ‘For starters, sit back and watch this gorgeous sunrise.’
Sophie let out a strangled cry, but Simon just thumped his tail and sat beside her. No growl. No menace. No hackles up and certainly no aggression. She let herself relax just a bit.
‘I’m sorry. I didn’t even see you sitting there. I just –’
‘Shh,’ the man said. ‘Here it comes. The snow clouds have passed. They passed around four this morning.’
Another early bird like me, she thought, only mildly annoyed that he’d shushed her. He was just a darker shadow in the purpling gloom. Soon she’d see who it was telling her when to speak and when to hush.
The thought bled away with the lightening of the sky. Even Simon was transfixed. Or it might have been the birds who hadn’t fled the cold for warmer climes keeping him alert. The forest sounds increased as the sun rose.
When she finally broke her eyes from the ice cream-coloured hues of morning, she found herself looking at a stunning specimen of man. His face lit orange and pink and lemon yellow. His hair was dark. She couldn’t tell if it was black or brown but it was slightly wavy, falling just a bit over his brow. His face was handsome without being pretty, chiselled without looking artificial. Yes, he was just the perfect amount of handsome, she decided, and then chuckled at the judgmental thought.
‘What’s so funny?’ He smiled, full lips curving up into a nice smile. The kind of smile that a person open to the world and comfortable in their skin owned.
‘Nothing.’
‘Oh, come on. We’re sunrise buddies. Surely you can tell me.’ He cocked his head and picked at a spot on his jeans.
Like her, he wore jeans and boots. A big parka and gloves. That was all she could tell for certain in the spotlight the sun had created.
Sophie swallowed hard. ‘I just thought, looking at you, that you were –’ She shook her head and looked away. Patted Simon to give her hands something to do.
‘What? I was what? Dangerous? Deranged? A serial killer?’
‘No. But are you?’ she asked, only half teasing.
He sighed. ‘Nope. Nothing nearly that interesting. So tell me, morning buddy, what it was.’
She figured what the hell, right? ‘I thought that you were just the right amount of handsome.’
He cocked his head again and then grinned. The grin made her stomach feel warm and syrupy. The rest of her was quickly following suit. Not what she’d anticipated when she’d set out this morning into the frigid blackness of an early winter morning.
‘Well, thanks!’
‘I’m sorry.’ She looked away, studied a birch tree that seemed to be bowing down to kiss the earth. She loved birches. Maybe she should just go investigate …
‘For thinking I’m handsome? God, I’m not. If more women thought that I’d probably date more.’ He laughed. Then he made a welcoming click with his tongue and, to her surprise, Simon got up and left her. He walked eagerly over to the stranger, dropped at his feet, and allowed himself to be adored. ‘He’s a lover. What’s his name?’
‘Traitor,’ Sophie groaned. When the man looked up she shook her head. ‘Just kidding. His name is Simon. And he’s a bad boy.’ But she didn’t say it in her angry voice because Simon was clearly enamoured with the new person. She didn’t want to harsh his happiness. And if he trusted the guy, she shouldn’t be afraid.
‘I’m Tate, by the way,’ the man said and nodded to her.
That smile. Oh God, that smile. ‘Sophie.’
A flock of birds took off in the woods and she saw their black mass rise above the naked treetops, swirling like an ink stain for an instant in the now pink sky.
‘What are you doing here so early, Sophie?’ he asked, breath pluming out of him.
‘Trying to find the missing piece of me. Finding myself,’ she muttered, a bit annoyed and suddenly scared all over again. Why the hell had she just told him that?
‘Ah, a time-honoured tradition. So, have you found anything?’ He patted Simon and then regarded her again. His eyes – blue, maybe green, hard to tell in the sunlight – regarded her kindly.
‘That I am more confused than I ever imagined before I started examining it all.’
He chuckled. ‘Welcome to the club.’
Simon put his paw into the stranger’s hand for a shake. His one and only trick. Something he only whipped out when he really wanted to impress a person. As far as tricks went, he was pretty damn lazy. Sophie smiled. ‘You have a fan.’
‘So does he.’
Her heart picked up tempo as she realised what she was about to do. But she planned to take the day off and … well, fuck it. ‘Can I ask you something, Tate?’
‘Sure.’
‘Would you let me buy you a cup of coffee?’
‘No –’
Her heart dropped.
‘But I’ll let you buy me a cup of green tea.’
She smiled. ‘Green tea it is. Though I must tell you …’ She snorted before she could stop herself. ‘It tastes like dirty dishwater to me.’
He laughed. ‘To each her own.’
‘True,’ Sophie said.
They sat there for a few more minutes as the sluggishly moving waterfall came fully into view. She followed him out of the woods, wondering what the hell she thought she was doing.
Taking a chance. That’s what.
He was a veterinary assistant. No shock there.
‘Used to work in banking. I find animals much more soothing than money.’
Sophie sipped her coffee. ‘I’d imagine so.’
‘You?’
‘Magazine writer. Love my job, until I get –’
‘That assignment that touches a bit too close to home.’
She put her head down. ‘Yes. I guess I’m just a wuss. I had no idea my editor would demand I find myself, for God’s sake!’
They had cookies and a muffin split down the middle, yet the thought of food was too much. Her stomach was in a fluttering mess of excitement. Because of him? She could only assume. Don’t find something that isn’t there, her mind warned her. She was looking for something, so surely she’d trick herself into thinking that he – Tate Nicholls, he’d told her – was that missing piece.
That didn’t stop her stupid stomach, though.
‘Yeah, but …’ He rolled his eyes. ‘Sorry.’
‘But what?’
‘Hey,’ he said, touching her hand. Electricity shot up her arm and she turned her hand to take his without thinking. He studied their hands – now lightly entwined – and smiled. ‘The last thing I want to be is a person spewing platitudes at you when you were so honest with me. I can’t be that person.’
‘What person?’
‘The ones who walk around giving you one-liners as if they’re Buddha.’ He laughed at himself.
‘Tell me.’
He shrugged, looking suddenly shy and uncertain. The change in demeanour made him even more appealing to Sophie. She thought she should be careful, but she didn’t care. ‘I don’t think life is about finding yourself,’ Tate said. ‘I think it’s about inventing yourself.’
The idea smacked Sophie in the head and she let out a surprised little gasp. Then she dropped his hand. Her body moved faster than her brain. She levered herself over the small table, grabbed his head and plunging her still chilled fingers into his thick, brown hair, and kissed him. His tongue was warm and soft, and after just one surprised second he kissed her back. Touching her jaw so that the energy from his fingers shivered up her face, under her skin, across her scalp.
Her mouth opened further and she sucked his tongue gently. He made a desperate noise.
‘We’re making quite a display,’ she said. Simon sat under the table at her feet. The screened-in patio area was deserted but for them. But people inside could see. People on the sidewalk could see.
‘Who cares?’ he answered, touching her cheek, kissing her again.
‘God, don’t think I’m crazy.’
‘I don’t.’
‘Don’t think … Well, don’t think anything bad of me,’ she whispered.
He pulled back a bit, stared her in the eye. Blue eyes, she saw. Blue like the sky in fall right before the weather gets cold. ‘Why would I?’
‘Because I’m going to ask you to come home with me.’
‘I can do that.’ His eyes were bright as he regarded her. ‘But only if you really want me to.’
‘I do. Do you think that’s nuts?’
‘A little.’ He shrugged, sitting back and taking her hand again. His skin was warm and so was his expression. ‘But Sophie, often the best things in life are. Crazy is how some of the greatest things have come into being.’
They walked. Him telling her about the transition between banking and animals. She nodded and wished she had the nerve to take his hand when he said, ‘It is much more pleasant dealing with people all day who are distraught or concerned over their pets than their money. There’s a big gap between adoring your furry friends and some dead presidents stamped on paper.’
‘I’d imagine so. You seem …’ She looked down at Simon, watched her feet.
‘Deranged? Maniacal? Brilliant?’ He teased. Took her hand in his and squeezed. It was an oddly intimate gesture for two people who’d just met and yet …
Feels right …
‘You can’t leave a sentence like that hanging, Sophie. It’s just unfair. Especially since I have an overwhelming need to know what’s going on in that head of yours.’
‘You seem so in tune with yourself. So OK with it all.’ She growled, remembering her assignment. ‘It’s what I want to be. It just seems so impossible.’
He nodded, swinging her hand once, squeezing, letting go to shove his hands deep in his pockets. ‘That’s because it is impossible. Until it isn’t any more.’
‘Thanks for clearing that up.’ She laughed, stopping short.
‘What? You’re ditching me because of my cryptic comment. Give me a minute, I’ll think of another.’ He chuckled.
‘Nope. This is my place. Are you coming up with me, Tate?’
He brushed a stray hair from her cheek and swept his thumb across her bottom lip. Sophie had to fight the urge to kiss it. It was insane, really, the whole damn day. She never should have brought him here. Never should have jumped into this head first, yet her body ignored all the stuff her mind said and lit up like someone had plugged her in. She felt glowing and alive and … terrified, but in an utterly good way.
He gave her a mischievous look. ‘Lead the way.’