2
W
hat in the hot-Ikea-mess is this silver monstrosity sitting in the middle of Candy's room? I think it's a bed, but the fabulousness in me won't allow me to sleep on it. And Gwen is grinning too hard! Ugh! Ever since she and her man got back from the Bahamas, she's been
extra
.
Let me backtrack, because I see you looking all confused.
Today is moving day for me and Gwen. Instead of my mother and her new husband getting a new spot, they decided to just move into LeRon's cramped, three-bedroom townhouse. It's cramped because now Candy is living here full-time. She used to visit LeRon just during the holidays and stuff after her parents divorced, but now her mom has a new boyfriend, and he is not ready for a kid, so her mom shipped her off to LeRon's.
Don't get it twisted, this place is a whole lot better than that little shack that Gwen and I used to call home. But I have no intentions of sharing a bedroom or a metal bunk bed with the evilness that is Candy. Not even if they put a purple Tweety comforter on there, with purple furry Tweety pillows.
Side bar ... the Tweety madness is hot, even if it is probably against man law for Tweety to be wrapped up in all that purple. You didn't know? Tweety is a boy! He is my boyfriend, by the way. He stays rocking that yellow bald head.
But anyway, enough about my man and back to the foolishness that is this sleeping arrangement.
“Mom,” I ask, “didn't you say that this house has three bedrooms? Why do Candy and I have to share?”
LeRon answers, “Because the third bedroom is my study. It's where I prepare my sermons and pray.”
And? Am I supposed to be cramped up just because he gets to teach Sunday school? And why does he get to make all the rules? I know my mom doesn't make much money as an LPN, but she is paying some bills up in this piece!
Gwen adds, “Sweetie, LeRon needs his study room and there is nothing wrong with two sisters sharing a room. I shared with your Aunt Penelope.”
Yes, I know she shared with Auntie Penny. I also know that they fought like two crazy people while they were teenagers. They
still
fight! My uncle is always breaking them up at the family Christmas dinner.
As if Gwen is reading my mind she says, “Look, maybe me and Penny wasn't a good example. I think you and Candy are really going to get along.”
Candy looks at me with a diabolical grin on her face. Yeah, I don't think so. Gwen gets a big, fat
No, ma'am!
“I picked the top bunk, Gia, that's why all that Tweety stuff is on the bottom,” Candy says, sounding all pumped like she just won some Rihanna tickets on the radio. Girl, boo.
I reply, “I don't care which bed you picked, because I am not sleeping in here.”
Candy drops her head and looks at the floor, as if her feelings are hurt. And if I believed that Candy actually
has
feelings then maybe I'd be convinced.
“Where do you think you're sleeping then?” asks Gwen.
I don't have an answer to this question, of course. I haven't thought that far ahead in this scenario.
“I don't know,” I say slowly. “Maybe on the couch in the living room.”
Gwen puts one hand on her hip. “Try again, sweetheart.”
“The basement?” I ask.
“Nope.”
In a very, very small voice I take one last shot. “The garage?”
Gwen's hand drops from her hip, and for a second she looks sad too. Maybe someone should've asked me how I felt about all of this. I mean, nobody consulted me when my mom started dating Elder LeRon, nobody asked me about a wedding, and I definitely don't remember being asked about sleeping arrangements in this strange house.
My mom sighs and says, “Gia, this is not going to be easy for any of us. Candy has been used to having her own room, and you don't see her complaining.”
Oh no, Candy is not standing up here with an angelic smile on her face. You've got to be kidding me. All three of themâGwen, LeRon, and Candyâare looking at me like they're waiting for me to say something. So, I give them what they want.
“All right. I'll try it out for a minute, I guess.”
Candy's eyes light up. Gwen smiles and says, “Thank you. I knew you would. We'll work something out, though, so you can have your own space. I promise.”
“There's nothing to work out,” says Elder LeRon.
Gwen raises one eyebrow and gives her husband a side-eye glance. “We can talk about this later, LeRon.”
She gave him her
I don't play
voice, which I guess he already knows about, because he puts both hands in the air like he's done with this.
Gwen claps her hands together and says, “Well, girls, LeRon and I are going to watch these movies we rented. You two can get settled in and better acquainted.”
LeRon interjects, “Do you think this is a good time to talk about the rules?”
Rules? Excuse me ... what? I feel a fever coming on.
“Maybe we should let this bedroom situation sink in first,” replies Gwen.
I plop down on the Tweety bed and say, “Mom, we might as well get this over with.”
Candy nods in agreement, so Gwen shrugs her shoulders and says, “Go ahead, Ron. Tell them.”
He smiles and clears his throat like he's about to give an acceptance speech on the BET awards. This whole afternoon is going from bad to worse.
Elder LeRon says, “Let me start by saying that I am happy to have my new wife and my new daughter here in our home.”
His new
daughter
? Hmm ... I'm not sure if I'm feeling that yet. What am I supposed to call him? Daddy? Dad? Papa?
“But,” he continues, “in order for us to live in harmony, Gwen and I sat down and came up with a few rules. The first rule is that there is a ten o'clock curfew for both of you.”
My eyebrows shoot all the way up. “Ten o'clock? Mom, I'm sixteen, about to be seventeen! Why should I have the same curfew as a freshman?”
Gwen bites her bottom lip. “That leads us into the second rule. Anytime you go out, Candy must go with you. We believe that there is strength in numbers.”
Candy jumps into the air and squeals. I can't do anything because I'm in a catatonic state of shock. I think my eyes are blinking, but I'm not sure.
Gwen says, “Calm down, Gia. It's not going to be that bad. Candy is almost the same age as you guys and you only hang out with Ricky and Hope anyway.”
“What about Hi-Steppers? She can't go to Hi-Steppers stuff!” I argue.
Candy responds, “I'm trying out for Hi-Steppers.”
Jesus, take me. Take me now!
“Mom!” This is me screaming like a banshee now.
LeRon says, “I think that's a great idea, Candy. Then you and your new sister can have something in common.”
Since my only response is folding my arms and frowning, LeRon continues. “There will be no phone calls from boys, or dates. We don't want any pregnant teenagers in this house. You'll have plenty of time to date when you're grown.”
“What about Ricky?” I ask, not expecting Elder LeRon to say anything reasonable.
“No phone calls from him either. You can see Ricardo at school and church.”
“LeRon, Ricky and Gia have been best friends for years. I think that's too much,” says Gwen.
Well, finally she got my back. While she's back there maybe she can wipe off the tire tracks from the bus she threw me under.
LeRon frowns deeply. “I don't know, Gwen. We'll have some more discussion about this. Remember what happened last year.”
Okay, so am I going to answer for one little mistake for the rest of my life? Yes, I snuck out on a date with Romeo. Yes, I lied. And yes, I got left standing at the beach looking right foolish. That was
sooooo
last year! Can we get beyond this?
“Well, I know Ricky's family and I know him. I am not concerned with him doing anything like that child Romeo,” says Gwen.
Elder LeRon takes a long pause like he's thinking. “Well, all right. Ricky and Ricky only. If you break that rule, there will be a severe punishment.”
Severe punishment? Okay, he must not know Gwen very well if he thinks he's scaring me with that. Severe punishment is her middle name. I think she invented severe punishment and used me as the test dummy.
Yeah, I'm not afraid of him. Plus, I've seen him get punked by Candy.
Gwen asks, “Gia, do you have a problem with this?”
“No. Is someone going to ask Candy if she has a problem with it?” I ask with much attitude. “Did you all just sit down and write these rules for me or are they for both of us?”
Trust and believe, I know I'm getting out of pocket. But Elder LeRon and Gwen are out of control here. I haven't heard one thing that's going to change Little Miss Evil's life.
“Honestly, Gia, we want to make sure that your past behavior doesn't wear off on Candy. She's at a very impressionable age right now,” LeRon says.
Oh no he didn't! He better hope I wear off on that problem child. I get straight A's, and the
only
issue I've ever had was that one time with Romeo.
I take a slow, deep breath, because there's a chance that after I give my reply, I might not take another one.
“It sounds like you are judging me by my lowest point. I wonder if you would like it if Jesus judged you by your lowest point?”
Gwen frowns deeply. “Gia, I think you've lost your mind. Do you realize you're speaking with an adult?”
“I'm just repeating what I heard Bishop T. D. Jakes say on his broadcast. Does
Elder
LeRon have a problem with Bishop Jakes?”
Gwen closes her eyes and places her hand over her heart. I know this pose. This is when she's praying for strength not to do bodily harm to me. I haven't seen it in a while, but I do know it when I see it.
LeRon says, “Gia, I think you just need to get out of your mother's sight for a while. We'll finish this discussion later.”
“Well ... you two are in my ... our room.”
Gwen replies through clenched teeth, “Girl, you better be glad I'm saved, sanctified, and filled with the Holy Ghost. I'm gon' deal with you later.”
She walks out of the room muttering like a crazy person. LeRon follows her but glares over his shoulder at me. Whatev. They've got me messed up if they think this little Brady Bunch scenario is going to turn my life upside down.
Candy rushes to close the door behind them and then lets out a flurry of giggles. “You know you're going to pay for that, right?”
“Whatever. I don't care.”
Why should I? With a ten o'clock curfew and an evil little stepsister tagging along, they've pretty much wrecked my life anyway.
3
“R
icky, your new ride is fresh!”
Ricky beams a proud smile as he stands next to his new car. His mom helped him get a nineteen-ninety-something Pontiac Grand Am. It's blue with a silver interior and except for a few little rust patches, it looks great.
“Thanks, Gia. I knew you would like it.”
Hope and Candy follow me out of the house so that we can all pile into Ricky's car and go school-clothes shopping. Hope was invited, but Little Miss Unsunshine was not. Unfortunately, we don't have a choice.
Hope narrows her eyes and grins at Ricky. I hope that's not supposed to be her seductive pose. If it is ... then I vote no.
Plus, she just looks like she's squinting from the sun. It's hot, sunny, and sticky out here today, but by the first day of school, it'll be rainy season. That's something about the beginning of the school year here in Cleveland. Maybe it's the elements trying to insist on my hair looking like a beehive on the first day of school.
“Now that you have a car, you should come scoop me sometimes,” says Hope in a kinda flirtatious tone.
Ricky laughs. “What do you think I'm doing now, silly?”
“I don't mean scoop me to go shopping ... I mean ... oh, never mind.”
Hope can't seem to hide her frustration as she climbs into the backseat of Ricky's car. She must not realize that the boy she's trying to hook up with is utterly clueless. I guarantee that Ricky has no idea that she's trying to holla.
I'm still tripping at Ricky's random use of the word
silly
. Um ... what?
“Get in the car,
silly,
” I say to Ricky. “I'd like to get to the mall today.”
Ricky clears his throat and replies, “You know I don't say
silly
all like that.”
“Yes, you do,” I say as I jump into my shotgun position.
As Ricky pulls off, he asks Candy, “This is a big year for you, right? Freshman year!”
“I guess it's cool. It probably won't be too different from middle school,” replies Candy.
Okay, who isn't excited to start high school? There is something weird about this girl, for real. Methinks she's a clone.
Hope asks, “You aren't just a little bit excited?”
I yawn loudly and look out of the window. Candy is so transparent to me. She's only acting like she isn't excited so that she'll get Hope and Ricky's attention while they try to convince her to be excited.
Boo ...
“She is too excited,” I say, bursting her bubble. “I heard her on the phone with her little friends talking about the matching outfits they plan to wear for the first day.”
Hope scrunches up her nose. “Matching outfits? That's definitely not the business, Candy. You've got to be unique and make your own fashion statement.”
Ricky and I glance at one another and burst out laughing. I know Hope is not talking about being unique. She and her crew have almost the exact same wardrobes in different colors. They have so many similar outfits, that they come to school dressed alike by accident!
“Whatever, Gia! You and that Tweety apparel is so ten years ago, and Ricky, don't you still wear Wranglers with the crease down the middle?”
I'm proud of Hope! She's been hanging with me long enough to get a little gusto about herself. She's got comebacks and everything.
Candy is finding all of this friendly conversation funny. “I thought you guys were best friends,” she says.
“We are,” Ricky replies. “We're just playing. Right, Hope?”
Hope smiles. “Of course. Gia, Tweety is banging.”
“And Hope, your Juicy T-shirts in every color of the rainbow are most definitely the bidness,” I say, returning Hope's smile.
“Well, I won't be rocking much Juicy. That's last year,” says Hope. “Junior year is gonna be all about Dolce, Lucky, and Prada.”
Candy's eyes get wide. “Wow. Your mom lets you buy all those designers?”
“Yeah, she gives me my dad's credit card and just tells me not to get too crazy.”
“Must be nice,” says Candy with a frown.
Hope being a spoiled brat is no surprise to me and Ricky. We've known this about her since we were in kindergarten. My uncle, Pastor Stokes, is a great church leader, but if he has a weakness, it's his little girl. She has him completely trained.
As for my own personal fashion statement, I plan to give Mr. Tweety a rest this year. It's junior year, and time for something new, I think. I'm going vintage, like lace, pearls, black jeans, and red shoes. Kinda like Beyoncé's little sister, Solange. Don't you just love her? She's so
anti
.
We pull into the mall parking lot and Ricky circles several times looking for the perfect parking spot. I'm too ready to get out of the car because this money that I made working for Mother Cranford is burning a hole in my pocket and I'm ready to spend it.
I should say the money I made
slaving
for Mother Cranford. She's a mother at our church and the only employer I'm allowed to have. I think she created dust bunnies for me to vacuum. And when I cleaned out the garage, I'm so serious, there were newspapers in there from the Boston Tea Party.
“Good grief, Ricky! Would you just park!” I exclaim as we circle the lot for the fifth time.
“What? It's hot out here!”
Hope chimes in. “Right. Drop me off at the front, Ricky, because I'm not trying to go in the mall all sweaty and glistening.”
What a diva! And what's wrong with Ricky? Boys aren't supposed to mind sweating.
Candy says, “I bet you get hot enough on the football field, right, Ricky?”
What in the out-of-the-blue? Okay, I'm not sure if Candy is trying to flirt, but from the look of Hope's mean mug, it is definitely not welcome.
“I do sweat a lot on the field, Candy. We're doing two-a-days now, too! Gia, did I tell you Coach Rogers is gonna start me this year?” says Ricky all nonchalantly as he finally pulls into a parking space.
“No! You didn't tell me that!” I give Ricky a high-five.
“Juniors taking over up in HEERRE!” says Hope with a shout.
My boy is the starting quarterback and I'm going to be rocking those little white Hi-Stepper boots on the field during the halftime show! This year is gonna be too for real.
As we walk across the parking lot, Candy asks, “So, Hope, what do you do? I know Gia is a Hi-Stepper and Ricky plays football. Are you a cheerleader?”
“Uh, no!” says Hope indignantly. “I signed up to be a rally girl.”
“What's a rally girl?”
I smile to myself. The answer to that question all depends on who you ask. The football team thinks that the rally girls are their personal slaves who they can force to do their homework and tutor them when they're about to fail a class. The cheerleaders think that the rally girls are wannabes who couldn't cut it in the cheer universe. The Hi-Steppers don't even acknowledge the rally girls' existence except when they are throwing a particularly fresh party.
But the rally girls think they're the hottest things walking. They plan all of the pep rallies and after parties. Like the Homecoming dance and then the Homecoming after party. But it looks like I won't be attending any after partiesânot if they take place
after
ten.
Hope answers Candy. “The rally girls are all about bringing school spirit! Not just for football either, for every sport.”
Yes, that is true. The rally girls don't discriminate. They party all school year long.
“Okay, enough about this! I didn't come to the mall to define the rally girls. I came to get my shop on,” I say matter-of-factly.
We start off in one of Hope's favorite storesâMacy's. Ricky leaves us and heads off to the men's section while we tear through the racks in the juniors section. There is only one item that I need from hereâskinny jeans.
Hope holds up a black Dolce & Gabbana T-shirt and asks, “What do y'all think?”
“That's hot!” exclaims Candy, sounding like a chocolate Paris Hilton.
It's not really my cup of tea, so I just give a shrug and a smile. “If you like it, I love it!”
Hope looks at it again, frowns, and then puts it back down. She says, “I'm one thousand percent sure that both Jewel and Kelani already have this.”
“You think? They like their stuff a little bit more bedazzled, and there is not one rhinestone on that T-shirt.” I say, thinking mostly of the blinding outfits that Jewel and Kelani like to wear.
Hope laughs. “You're probably right. This is something more Valerie's speed.”
“Do y'all mean Valerie Lopez, the captain of the Hi-Steppers?” Candy asks.
Can somebody say thirsty? Why does she already know the first and last name of the Hi-Steppers' captain? If she makes the squad, and that's a big
if,
Valerie will probably put her on the B squad simply because she's a freshman.
“Yes, that's the Valerie we mean,” I say.
“She's so cool!” gushes Candy. “She dated one of my friend's brothers and she treated us just like her little sisters. I can't wait to be a Hi-Stepper!”
Thirsty much?