It's Only a Movie: Reel Life Adventures of a Film Obsessive (38 page)

The camera closes in on said quiff, delving into the hair like David Lynch’s extreme lawn close-up at the beginning of
Blue Velvet
which foretells great horrors
to come. Then we pull back to reveal that very same hairstyle, utterly unchanged, although now it adorns the head of our adult star (Jason Isaacs to the set, please) whose barnet has remained immovable despite the passage of time and the ageing of his face.

After which we’d get the movie, which would be pretty much what you’ve just read – or ‘skimmed’, as is apparently popular. Then, as the end approaches, we’d come to the crucial scene in which La Jolie (played by herself – as a favour to me) compliments Jason’s hair in the most fulsome manner. He laughs nonchalantly but then, unexpectedly, seems to retreat into his own inner world. As the crowd of technicians and cameramen scuttle on the outskirts of the frame, we follow Mr Isaacs back to his dressing room where he sits silently in front of a mirror and takes out two old battered tins – one red, one blue – and places them on the table before him.

Slowly, the music starts to swell and as it does so we see Jason staring at his own reflection in the mirror, the distorted sounds of childhood taunts echoing around his head like the creepy kids’ nursery rhyme (‘One, two, Freddy’s coming for you …’) in
A Nightmare on Elm Street
. As we watch, the reflected image of Jason’s face dissolves into a nostalgic scene of the previously awkward kid striding boldly through the school corridors, ignoring the jeers of his classmates, safe in the knowledge that his hair is immaculate and they are all just idiots.

He is right, they are wrong. End of story.

At some point the kid looks over his shoulder, straight
into the eyes of his older self, and winks. Then the camera pans down from the mirror on to the tins of pomade, and the credits roll …

‘Sponsored by Dax and Sweet Georgia Brown Fine pomades for a life free from frizz’

THE END

Despite its rampagingly egotistical nature, this book has benefited hugely from the input of others so, in the manner of Kate Winslet’s Golden Globes speech, I would like to ‘
gather
’ and say thank you to:

Linda Ruth Williams, who lived this movie with me, and then had to live it all over again (and
again
) as my uncredited producer, script-editor, assistant director, sound mixer, and test audience.

Hedda Archbold at Hidden Flack, for her wise guidance and repeated use of the phrase ‘don’t worry, I’ll sort it out’ – which she invariably did.

Sophie Lazar at Random House, for being an exemplary editor who endured endless ‘tweaks’ and demands for ‘a bigger chainsaw’ with unflappable finesse.

Geoff Andrew, Mariano Baino, Nick Cooper, Nigel Floyd, Ed Glinert, Nick Jones, Simon Mayo, Saul Rosenberg, David Shulman, Andy Spinoza, Sarah Ward, and Tim Worman for reading (and correcting) the parts of the story which they remember far better than I do.

Craig Lapper and Sue Clark at the BBFC for being constantly available to answer ‘just a very quick question…’

Kim Newman, for his encyclopaedic film-fact checking; and Alex Archbold Jones for knowing his cannibals.

And Jason Isaacs.

3-D films
(i)
,
(ii)

20/20
magazine
(i)
,
(ii)
,
(iii)

28 Days Later …
(2002)
(i)

2001: A Space Odyssey
(1968)
(i)

Abba
(i)
,
(ii)
,
(iii)

Accused, The
(1988)
(i)

Adams, Derek
(i)
,
(ii)
,
(iii)

Adams, Douglas
(i)

Adventures of Pinocchio, The
(1996)
(i)

Adventures of Tintin: The Secret of the Unicorn, The
(2011)
(i)

After All
(TV series)
(i)

Aguirre: Wrath of God
(1972)
(i)

AileenWuornos: The Selling of a Serial Killer
(1992)
(i)

Airport ’75
 (1975)
(i)
,
(ii)

Alien
(1979)
(i)
,
(ii)
,
(iii)
,
(iv)
,
(v)

Alien
³
(1992)
(i)

Allen, Woody
(i)
,
(ii)
,
(iii)
,
(iv)
,
(v)
,
(vi)

Alton, Roger
(i)

Amityville 3-D
(1983)
(ii)

Amputee, The
(1973)
(i)

Anderton, James
(i)
,
(ii)
,
(iii)

Andress, Ursula
(i)

Andrew, Geoff
(i)
,
(ii)
,
(iii)
,
(iv)

Angel Heart
(1987)
(i)

Another 9
(i)
/2 Weeks
aka
Love in Paris
(1998)
(ii)

Antichrist
(2009)
(i)

Antique Records Roadshow, The
(radio, 1981–94)
(i)

Apocalypse Now
(1979)
(i)
,
(ii)
,
(iii)
,
(iv)

Argento, Dario
(i)

Armageddon
(1998)
(i)

Athens J. D.
see Lawton
J. F.

Atonement
(2007)
(i)

Avatar
(2009)
(i)

Azov, Paul
(i)

Baadasssss!
(2003)
(i)

Badlands
(1973)
(i)

Bad Lieutenant
(1992)
(i)
,
(ii)

Bad Lieutenant: Port of Call New Orleans
(2009)
(i)

Badalamenti, Angelo
(i)

Baez, Joan
(i)
,
(ii)

Baino, Mariano
(i)
,
(ii)
,
(iii)
,
(iv)
,
(v)
,
(vi)
,
(vii)
,
(viii)
,
(ix)
,
(x)
,
(xi)

Baker, Danny
(i)
,
(ii)

Baker, Diane
(i)

Band Aid
(i)

Bannister, Matthew
(i)

Bark, Andrew
(i)
,
(ii)

Barker, Clive
(i)
,
(ii)

Basic Instinct
(1992)
(i)

Basic Instinct 2
(2006)
(ii)

Basics
(i)

Bates, Simon
(i)

Battle for the Planet of the Apes
(1973)
(i)
,
(ii)

Battleship Potemkin
(1925)
(i)
,
(ii)

Bauer, Michelle
(i)

Bava, Mario
(i)

Baxter, Biddy
(i)

Bay of Blood
aka
Twitch of the Death Never
(1971)
(i)

Bay, Michael
(i)
,
(ii)

BBC4 World Cinema Award for Outstanding Achievement
(i)

Beatty, Ned
(i)

Beckett, Samuel
(i)
,
(ii)

Bee Gees
(i)

Belle de Jour
(1967)
(i)

Beneath the Planet of the Apes
(1969)
(i)

Bergman, Ingmar
(i)

Beyond the Valley of the Dolls
(1970)
(i)

Birdsall, Jesse
(i)
,
(ii)
,
(iii)
,
(iv)

Birkin, Andrew
(i)

Black, Jack
(i)

Blade Runner
(1982)
(i)

Blair, Linda
(i)
,
(ii)
,
(iii)
,
(iv)
,
(v)

Blair Witch Project, The
(1999)
(i)

Blank, Les
(i)

Blatty, William Peter
(i)

Blood Sucking Freaks
aka
The Incredible Torture Show
(1976)
(i)

Bloom, Orlando
(i)

Blue Velvet
(1986)
(i)
,
(ii)
,
(iii)
,
(iv)
,
(v)
,
(vi)
,
(vii)

Boat That Rocked, The
(2009)
(i)

Body Double
(1984)
(i)

Bolt 3-D
(2008)
(ii)

Bonnie and Clyde
(1967)
(i)
,
(ii)

Boorer, Boz
(i)

Booth, Simon
(i)

Born Innocent
(TV movie, 1974)
(i)
,
(ii)

Boston Strangler, The
(1968)
(i)

Bourne
films
(i)

Boxing Helena
(1993)
(i)

Boyle, Danny
(i)
,
(ii)

Boyle, Ed
(i)

Boyle, Peter
(i)

Bradsell, Michael
(i)

Bragg, Billy
(i)

Brambles, Jakki aka Jackie
(i)

Brando, Marlon
(i)
,
(ii)

Brannigan
(1975)
(i)

Brass, Tinto
(i)

Brazil
(1985)
(i)

Breakheart Pass
(1975)
(i)

Breaking the Waves
(1996)
(i)

Brewer-Giorgio, Gail
(i)

Brigadoon
(1954)
(i)

Briggs, Jon
(i)
,
(ii)

British Academy Film Awards (BAFTAs)
(i)

British Board of Film Classification (BBFC)
(i)
,
(ii)
,
(iii)
,
(iv)
,
(v)
,
(vi)
,
(vii)
,
(viii)
,
(ix)
,
(x)
,
(xi)
,
(xii)

Brittan, Leon
(i)

Broadcast News
(1987)
(i)

Bronson, Charles
(i)

Brooks, Albert
(i)

Brooks, Mel
(i)

Broomfield, Nick
(i)
,
(ii)

Brosnan, Pierce
(i)

Buddy Holly Story, The
(1978)
(i)

Bullmore, Amelia
(i)

Burchill, Julie
(i)

Burden of Dreams
(1982)
(i)

Burning, the
(1981)
(i)

Burroughs, William
(i)

Burstyn, Ellen
(i)

Burton, Tim
(i)
,
(ii)

Buscemi, Steve
(i)

Cabaret
(1972)
(i)
,
(ii)

Caligula
(1979)
(i)
,
(ii)
,
(iii)

Cameron, James
(i)

Campbell, Ramsey
(i)

Cannes Film Festival
(i)
,
(ii)
,
(iii)
,
(iv)
,
(v)
,
(vi)

Cannibal Apocalypse
(1980)
(i)

Cannibal Ferox
(1980)
(i)

Cannibal Holocaust
(1979)
(i)
,
(ii)
,
(iii)

Cannibal Women in the Avocado Jungle of Death
see
Piranha Women in the Avocado Jungle of Death

Cape Fear
(1991)
(i)

Carpenter, Karen
(i)
,
(ii)
,
(iii)

Carpenter, Richard
(i)

Carrie: The Musical
(2001)
(i)

Carnal Crimes
(1991)
(i)

Caruncula
(1992)
(i)
,
(ii)
,
(iii)

Case, Brian
(i)

Castle of Frankenstein
magazine
(i)

Castle, William
(i)

Cattrall, Kim
(i)
,
(ii)

Cera, Michael
(i)

Chained Heat
(1983)
(i)
,
(ii)

Chambers, Marilyn
(i)

Charro!
(1969)
(i)

Chocky
(book, John Wyndham)
(i)

Cimino, Michael
(i)

Cinefantastique
magazine
(i)

Cinematograph Films (Animals) Act (1937)
(i)

Citizen Kane
(1941)
(i)
,
(ii)
,
(iii)

City Life
magazine
(i)
,
(ii)
,
(iii)
,
(iv)
,
(v)
,
(vi)
,
(vii)
,
(viii)
,
(ix)
,
(x)
,
(xi)
,
(xii)

City Limits
magazine
(i)
,
(ii)

City of the Living Dead
(1980)
(i)

Clapton, Eric
(i)

Clarke, Arthur C.
(i)

Clash
(i)

Clingfilm
(radio, 1995–7)
(i)

Clockwork Orange, A
(1971)
(i)