Authors: Dennis Liggio
"Paulie's going to wire us the money," I said. "He's been handling the money since the beginning. Jericho knew there was a chance he might not come back. He wanted someone else handling money as a show of good faith. At least, that's what Meat said."
"And if none of us came back, Paulie was suddenly richer," cough-laughed Szandor.
I shrugged. "Better than the money die with Jericho."
Szandor said nothing, just nodding as he got his coughing under control.
"It wasn't easy and I'm not happy with what I did, but we killed Jack," I said. "But you see, to do it I had to -"
"The serpent's dead," said Szandor, "What else matters?"
"But that's the thing, to do it I had to -"
Szandor coughed and interrupted me. "Sometimes we end up doing things we hate ourselves for to make sure it gets done right."
I started to ask what he meant by this, but he gave me a look. There was something hard in his eyes. Pain, regret. I got the feeling this wasn't about the Jack hunt. This was something older. What had he not told me?
"Once in a fucking lifetime opportunity," said Szandor finally, his tone dark.
There was a moment of silence where we both averted our eyes, not willing to meet each other's glance. Then my brother started coughing again.
"Mikkel?" he said when he finally stopped.
"Yes, brother?"
"This isn't some coma dream, right?" he said. "I'm like, not gonna wake up and it's gonna be twenty years later and everyone I know is dead, right? Or I'm gonna be missing a leg or robots rule the world or something? This is real, right?"
"Yes, this is real," I said.
"Okay." Pause. "I would just about kill right now for a cigarette."
"I thought Dickie came by. Why didn't you bum one off him?"
"That asshole wouldn't give me one. Not Lem either," said Szandor. "What's friendship worth if not at least a cigarette?"
"Lem doesn't even smoke," I said.
"Details, details."
I reached into my jacket and pulled out my Lucky Strike pack. I pulled out my last two cigarettes. I hadn't had one in hours.
"Luckies? That's bullshit. Are you offering terrible cigarettes to a dying man?"
"You're not dying," I said, though I hadn't heard from the doctor. I looked over to Carly, who nodded slightly to confirm my statement. I turned back to my brother. "And these are all I have. Take them or leave them."
"You're not serious," said Carly. "The nurses won't let him smoke in here. You can't give him cigarettes."
"Sure I can," I said. "Luckies or nothing, brother."
Szandor paused, his eyes trying to focus on the cigarettes at that distance and failing. "Fine. Give 'em here."
I handed him one cigarette, putting the other on the bedside table. He awkwardly put the cigarette in his mouth. Together with the tubes and wires, he suddenly looked like he had emphysema.
"Okay, give me a light," he said.
I simply smiled and stood up. I nodded to Carly, indicating we needed to talk.
"Seriously, give me a light," said my brother behind me.
I just smiled and shook my head. I walked to the door.
"Brother," he called.
"Yes?" I said, turning.
"You're an asshole," he said. His brow showed annoyance, but there was a vague smile on his lips.
I half-heartedly saluted him and grinned. That's about as close to an
I love you
as you get from Szandor.
Carly followed me to the roof. I had spent so much time underground that I wanted to be outside, even if the weather was poor. But to my surprise, it had stopped raining, the clouds were just beginning to disappear. It was also the only place the hospital would allow smoking without going out to the curb. I passed by a nurse who had just finished smoking and bummed a cigarette from him. I lit it up, then I went to the building edge and looked out at the city. New Avalon was wet and gray, but the sun was beginning to show itself, putting a few glimmering edges on the wet buildings.
"We should talk," I said. Those dreaded words that no one wants to hear. At least this time I was the one dropping that bomb.
"Yes, we should," said Carly evasively.
"I noticed that you were still here when I got back," I said.
"That is true," she said just as evasively.
I spun around. "Dammit, stop making this harder than it needs to be! Look, I know I'm stupid. I'm sorry. I know I went off to play hero when you asked me not to. But it was something I thought I needed to do. It was stupid but I was doing it for family. I was doing it because I thought it was the right thing. Maybe it was right, but it probably wasn't. In fact, I think now it almost definitely wasn't. Even when I was doing it, I regretted leaving you. I kept wondering if you'd be here when I got back."
"And I am," she said.
I threw up my hands in frustration. "That's good, but you gotta throw me a bone or something! I want to be with you. That's what I want! We need to make things right but I don't know how! I need help! Just tell me what I need to do to make this all right!"
Carly's teeth clamped down and I could tell she was resisting responding angrily. I knew she didn't like getting bitched at, and my words, though probably necessary, had come out in a super bitchy ramble. Then she sighed, the reflex anger leaving her. "I know. We let things get fucked up. We keep doing that. I don't want to do that either." She took a deep breath. "I've had lots of time to think too. I know I want to be with you. It's one of the main reasons I came back to Avalon. But this round and round, this complaining, this yelling... it hurts. We have so many damn things we argue about."
"We argue about two things, really," I said. "Hunting and my brother. You've never liked either of them."
"I like your brother!" she said, but saw me already shaking my head. "No, don't fucking do that! I
like
Szandor! Don't try to put words into my mouth or piss on what I'm saying! I like your brother! I stayed with him all night and all day! Right there next to his bed when you were off being manly! I was the one who was there! I was there when he woke up! And do you know the first things he said when he woke up?"
"He asked for a cigarette?" I said.
"No, he asked where his brother was and he asked if Jack was dead," she said. "In that order."
"What's your point?"
"My point is, the only things that matter to him are you and killing monsters," she said. "I'd argue that those are the only things in his life. And it's not healthy. What I worry about is you becoming like that. Of you getting in this echo chamber where it's just your brother and danger. Plus maybe whiskey and cigarettes."
"That sounds like my life already," I said sullenly.
"But it's not! You are more than that! You're a kind man, a principled man, a passionate man. You don't have to be just a guy who kills monsters and is your brother's keeper! You could have a life with me! You could have more in your life!"
"This is my family, Carly. And that's who I am. I want to be with you and be everything you need, but I can't change who I am. I'm a Big Brother and I hunt monsters. That's who I am underneath it all."
"And you wouldn't be happy if you weren't either of those two things," she said. "As much as you say you'll do anything for us, to make it work."
I nodded sadly, surrendering that point. And then there was the part where I was responsible for someone's death...
"I don't want to change you," said Carly. "But..."
"If something doesn't change with us, we're kind of over, got it," I said. "And it's not fair for me to just say that
you
need to change."
"We both need to change and make this work together," she said.
"How do we do that?"
"I had a long time to think while waiting for your brother to wake up. I realized a few things. Like this: I've always wanted to be with a man of principle. That's what I want out of a boyfriend and everything after. That's been important to me my whole life even if I've never admitted it."
"I'm no saint," I said. Especially not today. "I..."
"No, but you are a man of principle. You know what you feel is right and you're willing to do it. You're willing to put your life on the line for it. Not everyone can claim that. For all it scares me, you have saved people's lives and that's a good thing. And because you are this man of principle, I can't stop you from doing what is right. Not ethically, and maybe not even if I tried. It's who you are and what you do. The part that makes me uncomfortable is that you put your life in danger. One day you might not come home. Dead in a sewer, eaten by a monster, or some other messed up thing. You have no idea how much that scares me." Her eyes were near tears.
"That's just what I do," I said sadly.
"I know. I know. And I love you, so I can't stop you from doing what you feel is right. Not if I truly love you. And... well, I'll put all the cards on the table. Whether I'm with your or not, I'm still going to worry. Even in France I found myself worrying about you. Ignoring it doesn't make it go away."
"But I can't stop being a monster hunter," I said. "Maybe...
maybe
one day. Maybe one day I'll feel its right to stop. But I can't say I ever will for sure. Like you said, it's a matter of principle. If people are still dying, getting orphaned like Szandor and me, I want to get out there and help."
"I know," she said, wiping a tear. "I know that. So this is my change, my sacrifice. I need to let go enough and realize that I need to trust. I need to understand you have a dangerous job and let you do it. I tried keeping myself away so it wouldn't hurt if something happened to you, but that didn't work. But I can't stop you from doing what you feel is right. I can't cause you that pain. But I do want to try us again. I want to try being together again. And I will
try
not to worry. I will accept your role in life for what it is and do my best to honor that. It's going to be hard as hell and I'm still going to be up late some nights worrying. But this is what I can do and I want to try.
"But in return, I ask two things of you."
I winced. I felt like we had been this direction before in our arguments. It had always ended up something I couldn't do. Whether that was my failing or my principles didn't matter. Not being able to do what she needed meant I couldn't be with her.
"What are they?" I asked.
"First, you need to stop being so reckless," she said. I started to protest but she cut me off. "I know your work is dangerous. But it doesn't have to be reckless. You can find safer ways."
"But we're not reck-" I started.
"You rode a gigantic monster while hanging on by your sword!"
I smiled internally -
oh yeah, I DID do that
- but then tried to keep the smile off my face as she continued.
"There have got to be less reckless ways. I refuse to believe that all hunters are insane daredevils. Especially not the older ones. Does Meat hunt like that? Paulie? That Delilah girl?"
I had to admit, they probably didn't. I knew Meat took risks. But I don't think he took them like we did. He and Paulie never went off half-cocked. The trade off was that they were sometimes too late to save someone. But they always had a plan and they got hurt less often than me. Definitely far less often than Szandor.
"But Szandor -" I started. Szandor loved the reckless stuff.
"And that brings me to my second part. Szandor."
"Here it is," I said under my breath, expecting this to be the deal breaker.
Carly grabbed my arm, shaking me and then looked me seriously in the eyes. "No, really, this is serious! For you and for him! Mikkel, you need to keep your brother alive!"
"What?"
"I need you to stop him from going down this dark road he's walking! You need to help him become someone who doesn't hate himself so much he has a death wish! He's reckless to a level that will get him killed. He will get you killed! He has to stop being someone who will bring you along the road of pain he's on."
"Szandor's gonna do what Szandor's gonna do. I can't stop him."
"Yes, you can! He may do what Szandor does, but you can do what you do! You're his Big Brother, you can help him! He
needs
you to help him. Haven't you seen it? You're brother's in a lot of pain and has been for years. He needs help and you're the only one he'd ever let help him."
I frowned but said nothing. Despite any protests that might come from my lips, she was right.
"Besides, it's not even about me wanting that. I saw you last night. I saw how you fell apart when he was in a coma. Just a coma. Imagine if he died! That would destroy you. I know it's not what you want to hear, but it's true! So that's one of my terms. Mikkel, you need to keep your brother alive. And the only way I see that happening is if
you
help him change."
I ran my hand through my hair and looked back out over the New Avalon skyline to where the dark clouds had almost all disappeared, the wet city glimmering in the light. "Shit, that's a tall order."
"I love you, but I know this isn't going to be easy," she said, slipping her arm around mine and staring out at the city with me. "Not for either of us. But we want this. And I want you happy."
"Being an adult sucks," I said.
"Yes, it does," she said, nodding her head and then leaning it on my shoulder.
As we looked out on my city of New Avalon, the sun was finally shining. After so much time in the dark recently, I hadn't realized how much I needed to be in the light. It had rained so long and I had spent so much time underground that I had almost forgotten what it felt to be free and just stand in the sun. Things had been rough and the future was looking to be a lot of work. I was carrying a pain with me that I had not yet confessed. But I would be facing the future, the rest of my life, with the two people I most loved in the world.
It was all I could ever ask for.
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