JACK (4 page)

Mr. Berry looked so sad.

I shrugged. “See. I can’t go back. I can’t live with her.”

He held his hand out to me. “We’ll find you somewhere else to go. You can come stay with Sharon and me.”

“And you think she’ll let me?”

“I promise you. I won’t let her do anything to you. Just come down.”

I wanted to believe him but he just didn’t know Emma like I did.

I stepped back and his face fell. “Jack, please. Please don’t do this.”

“I have to.”

“No you don’t.”

“It’s the only way I can get away. I’m sorry sir. I’m really sorry.”

I closed my eyes and crossed my arms over my chest. I pretended I was dropping back onto my bed after a long day of fishing or riding Joe Brady’s mare.

Henry Berry’s shout was lost to the whoosh of wind. The few seconds of freefall yanked my heart into my throat. Falling wasn’t half as frightening as being trapped with Emma. Being forced into a shape I did not fit.

My breath was knocked out by the slap of icy water against my back. The jaws of the river swallowed me whole. Water rushed into my gaping mouth, burning its way down my throat and searing my lungs. I gasped but there was no air, just more of the unrelenting cold. I told myself not to fight but my arms flailed and my legs kicked. Like Berry’s hat, I didn’t stand a chance.

Like my sister, the river would choke me, drown me, and crush me.

The current spun me around and my hip smashed into a rock. Another sharp pain blossomed in my shoulder. The gray sky wavered above rippling waves. I almost made it to the surface before being rolled under by the current and slammed against the rough bottom. My head bounced off another rock and everything blurred. After that my arms became heavy and my legs didn’t want to work. Something sharp bit into my thigh. I had a moment to be amazed that the river actually had teeth before the swell of current shoved me all the way down.

I inhaled no longer caring there was no air.

I told myself this is what I wanted but it was a lie. What I wanted was to be loved. I wanted to be understood.

I wanted to be kissed.

I bet Elliot’s lips were sweet. Sweet and warm.

A hand broke through the darkness. Momma. I reached out and fingers curled around my wrist. I was yanked up and the water peeled away. I’d thought the cold of the river had been painful but it was nothing like the cold of the air. It became my enemy as it mixed with the water in my lungs. Like sandpaper, the bitterness raked my insides with every gasp.

My stomach heaved and I vomited.

Henry’s panicked voice barked commands and someone wrapped me in a blanket. He picked me up. I tried to look at him but the dreary light hurt my eyes.

“Please…”
Let me go
.

“It’s okay Jack, I’ve got you.”

“I…”
Want to be free
.

“Everything’s okay now, everything is going to be okay.” Cradled in his arms, the darkness came for me and I let it take me down.

For a while there were voices and I thought they were angels. The speakers were all white and surrounded by light, making it impossible for me to look directly at them. My head felt full of rocks. I wondered when I’d see Momma and I asked for her but no one seemed to understand me. Maybe they did understand but chose to ignore me, just like Emma.

Mostly I slept.

At some point I opened my eyes to a man I didn’t know. His glasses were so far down the end of his nose they pinched his nostrils shut. He wore a dirty Santa hat. It clashed with his green bathrobe.

“Awaken my prince!” He waved a bent straw near my face.

“Mr. Greenwich, you’re supposed to be emptying the garbage. If you don’t stay on task you’re going to lose the privilege.”

The stranger in the Santa hat disappeared and was replaced by a serious looking man in a blue shirt and dark tie. He smiled at me. “How do you feel, young lady?”

I tried to scratch my nose but couldn’t lift my hands. I tried again and then looked down. Thick leather braces bound my wrists to metal bed rails. I yanked and the entire bed shifted.

“Easy!”

“Where am I?”

“My name is Dr. Chance, and you’re in the Meadow Wood Psychiatric Hospital for observation.”

Oh God, Emma had done it. She’d locked me away. Panic made me kick but my ankles were bound too. The gown I had on slipped down, flashing my chest and the big black bruises marring my skin.

“Easy, Jacqueline, we’re here to help you.”

“There’s nothing wrong with me!”

A nurse wearing a folded white cap stepped up behind Dr. Chance and handed him a syringe. “I’m going to give you something to help you rest.” He flicked the glass cylinder twice with his finger. A small squirt of fluid dripped from the tip of the needle.

“I don’t want to rest! I want to go home!” I tried to escape the needle coming at my arm but I was trapped. The sharp pain was followed by a burn. My muscles slackened and it became impossible for me to keep my head up. I collapsed against the pillows.

The woman made a fuss about fixing my gown then stepped out of my line of sight.

I stared at Dr. Chance, wondering if he was blurry because of the shot he’d given me or the tears filling up my eyes. “Why are you doing this to me?”

“We’re just here to help you. That’s all.”

“I don’t need any help.”

“You jumped off a bridge. Don’t you think that’s something that needs to be addressed?”

“I wanted to get away.”

“Who were you trying to get away from, Jacqueline?”

“Jack.” It was getting hard to keep my eyes open.

“You were running from Jack?”

“No, my name. My name is Jack, not Jacqueline.”

He smiled again and patted my skinned fingers clinging like a limp rag to the rail. “Okay, Jack, we’ll talk later. You rest.”

“Please let me go.”

“We’ll see how you do over the next few days before we make that decision.”

I don’t think I was out very long. A squeaking sound woke me up. A woman came into my room with a cart. “Who are you?”

“I’m here to change your bed pad.”

I had no idea what she meant until she walked over and dropped the rails near my hip. Then I felt the wet clinging to my skin. I’d pissed myself. I struggled and every cut and bruise on my body protested. “Let me up!”

“I’m sorry. You have to talk to Dr. Chance about that.”

“I’m not an infant!”

“It’s okay, honey, you have nothing to be ashamed of.”

I was ashamed. I was humiliated. I had to lay there while she pushed me around, removing the soiled pad then putting a clean one under me. Then she pulled up my gown and wiped my ass and groin. I turned my head to hide my face in the pillow. The nurse checked my body over, poking the bruises around my stomach and ribs. She got a tube of greasy medicine and put it on the deep gash on my leg before stepping back.

“Do you need to go again?”

I couldn’t even look at her. “What?”

“I’ve got a bed pan on the cart if you need to have a bowel movement or urinate.”

“No! Just leave me alone!” I sobbed and yanked at the bindings while she fixed up the sheet and pulled the bedrail back into place. The door shut with a solid thump and I was alone.

Hell, this had to be hell. I cursed Emma. I cursed Henry for pulling me out of the water. I cursed God for taking Momma away.

I was drifting off when Dr. Chance came back. He wasn’t alone this time.

“Jack.” Dr. Chance motioned to the man beside him. “This is James. He’s going to help take care of you.”

The white uniform James wore made his square body look gigantic. “Pleasure to meet you.”

“I don’t need no one to take care of me.”

Dr. Chance arched an eyebrow. “Really? I could have sworn Catherine said you would rather use the facilities then the bedpan.”

I looked at both men then nodded. “Yeah, please. Please let me up.”

Dr. Chance stepped aside and James undid one of the straps around my ankles. He walked to the other side of the bed and Dr. Chance said, “Now, there’s something you need to understand. We work on a privilege system here. I’m trusting you to not try and hurt yourself. Every day you prove to me you can respect the trust I am lending to you, is a day you can earn another privilege.”

“Can I leave?” I watched James unbuckle another strap.

“You have ways to go before you can go home. But we’ll see how the next few days go. If you take your medicine and do as you’re told maybe I’ll let you sit in the dayroom.”

James finished undoing the straps and I rubbed my arms. I started to climb over the rails. He put a large hand on my shoulder and pulled me back. “Easy, wouldn’t want you to get hurt.”

There was a clink and the bed rail disappeared down the side. James put a hand under my arm and helped me out of the bed. My legs felt like rubber bands and my knees wanted to buckle. Even my bones ached, like the bruises weren’t just on my skin. When I got to the bathroom I tried to close the door. James stopped it with a foot against the bottom. “Door stays open.”

“But I have to go to the bathroom.”

Chance said, “Privacy is a privilege. When you can be trusted to go in there alone, then you receive the privilege of having privacy.” He went out and James stood by the door staring at me. My cheeks burned. I hobbled over to the toilet.

“Need help?”

“No. I’m fine.” I gripped the handrail mounted to the wall, pulled the gown, bunching it at my waist, and sat down on the cold porcelain. Squatting made pain shoot through my hip from the cut on my thigh but I refused to make a sound.

James stepped back around the corner until all I could see was his shoulder and part of his leg. Every so often he would turn his head just enough that I knew he could see me out of his periphery. At least he gave me the illusion of not having an audience.

When I finished he helped me back in the bed. James took my wrist and pulled it toward the straps. I yanked back.

“Now, now, you can’t be doing that.”

“I don’t want to be tied down.”

“Privilege, remember? You have to earn the right to not wear the straps.”

“But I didn’t do anything.”

“Jack, don’t lose the one privilege you’ve just earned.” James held out his hand. I gave him my wrist and trembled while he buckled me in. He pulled the blanket up over my lap before he left.

*** *** ***

It was like that for days. Long miserable days of being watched over while I ate, went to the bathroom and showered. I took the pills, one with each meal. They made my head feel funny and my speech slur. I always tried to go to the bathroom before I had to take the medicine. If I didn’t I would pee the bed.

I never knew humiliation could be a physical pain until then.

A week went by. I think it was a week. It might have been longer or shorter. Between the pills and the lack of windows it was difficult for me to know when the day began and when it ended. During that time I’d gotten rid of the straps, was allowed to go to the bathroom alone, and been given a set of scrubs and shoes to wear instead of a gown with no back.

I figured out how to hold the pills under my tongue until I could go to the bathroom. Sometimes it wouldn’t work because the nurse was slow in leaving my room. Then they’d go all chalky in my mouth and I’d have to swallow. But other times the nurse was in a hurry to leave. Then I could get to the bathroom to spit them into the toilet.

Today was the day Dr. Chance promised I could eat in the cafeteria. At this point I wasn’t sure I wanted to leave my room. I had no idea as to what was out there. Sometimes I’d hear people yelling, or there would be loud clangs. Other times laughter would be followed by plaintive wails. The noise never stopped. At night there was a lot less, but abrupt screams or wailing often punched right through my sleep. I’d sit up wondering where I was, and then I’d remember.

The door to my room opened. I thought it was going to be James or Dan, another orderly, bringing me breakfast, but it was the old man in the Santa hat and green bathrobe. He had an unused trash bag draped over one arm.

He waved a finger in the air. “Good morning, young prince!”

I wasn’t sure what to say back. He didn’t seem to care either way.

“Ah, I am so glad to see you awake. Normally you are in the deep sleep when I come to change out your trash.” He went to went over to the trashcan and began pulling the bag loose.

“Who are you?”

He stopped and looked up at me at the same time his glasses slid to the end of his nose. “Me?” The man in the Santa hat leaned back, glancing out the door before rushing forward. “You don’t know who I am?”

“No.”

His blue eyes widened. “Really?”

“Really.”

“I thought everyone knew who I was. You must be from far away. A different kingdom perhaps? What is your name, young prince?”

“Jack, but I’m not a prince.”

He gasped and his gray eyes widened. “Then you must be a knight!”

“No.”

“No?”

“I’m just Jack.”

“Just Jack.”

“Yes.”

“Well Just Jack, I am the great and powerful Gromwaldengreenwich. Grom for short.” He took a straw out of his pocket and waved it at me. “Shall I turn you into a toad?”

I laughed. “No, thank you.”

He frowned. “Are you sure?”

“I’m sure.”

“I wouldn’t mind.”

“Mr. Greenwich!” We both looked up. Dan stood in the doorway with his arms crossed over his massive chest. He was even wider than James. “What task are you supposed to be doing right now?”

Grom looked at his straw then back at Dan. “I was going to turn Just Jack into a toad.”

Dan pointed at the trashcan and Grom snatched the unused bag off his arm. “Oh yes, of course, the trash.” He put his straw back in his pocket and toddled over to the trashcan. He finished with the garbage and winked at me as he left.

Dan walked over. “And how are you this morning?”

I wondered if he was going to make me wear the straps again. “I didn’t do anything. I was just talking to him.”

“Of course you didn’t do anything, that’s why Dr. Chance has sent me down here to take you to the dayroom.”