Read Jack Daniels Six Pack Online
Authors: J. A. Konrath
“Would he trade for anything else? Like maybe some feeder minnows? Or a chew toy?”
“No. But he offered to euthanize Slappy for fifty bucks.” Slappy puffed out his cheeks and spit a stream of urine toward us. We jumped away. “I’m thinking about it.”
“Don’t you dare, Harry. You just need to take some time and train him.”
“I tried. I don’t think he likes me.”
“What’s not to like?” I did my best to say it without sounding sarcastic.
“He might be mad because of the stick. When he was in his cage, I kept showing him a picture of Alex, and then poking him with a stick. You know, so if he ever saw her, he’d attack. But he seems to be holding a grudge. See?”
Harry took a step toward his monkey. Slappy opened his mouth, baring yellow fangs, snarling like a pit bull.
“Maybe you should stop poking him with the stick,” I said.
“No shit.”
Keeping one eye on the primate, I walked to the sofa and sat down. I stood up again immediately, my butt damp.
“There’s something wet on your couch.”
Harry nodded. “Do yourself a favor and don’t try to smell it. It’s better to lie to yourself and pretend it’s ginger ale.”
“Did you spill ginger ale?”
“No. That’s piss, shit, or monkey spooge.”
I made a face.
“Might also be some combination of the three,” Harry added. “Or vomit. Could be vomit.”
I let out a slow breath and wondered how I’d get the ginger ale stain out.
Slappy made a screeching sound that eerily resembled laughter. He was still upside-down, but was no longer going to the bathroom. Instead, he was abusing himself with his little monkey fist, eyes locked on mine. The expression on his face was one of smug satisfaction.
“Al told me that macaques can live for thirty years,” Harry said.
I actually felt a little sorry for him. I moved cautiously over to the computer, checked the chair for unpleasant surprises, then sat down.
“Did you find the latest cell phone?”
McGlade nodded. “It’s in Milwaukee. Where’s Phin?”
I felt myself go cold. “Phin won’t be helping us anymore.”
“How’d you scare him off? Did he see you naked?”
“I didn’t scare him off. And fuck you.”
“We need him.”
“We don’t need him. He’s unreliable.”
“Hasn’t he saved your life a bunch of times?”
“He’s a drug addict.”
“You just figured that out now? Of course he’s a drug addict. He’s dying of cancer. If I had the big C I’d be snorting so much cocaine I’d need two crack whores to help me hold the heroin needle steady.”
“There are prescription drugs.”
“We’re chasing a killer. You want him stoned on opiates? At least with coke he’ll be alert.”
“We’ll be fine without him.”
“Sure. Slappy can watch our backs. Right Slappy?”
We looked at Slappy, but he wasn’t in the corner anymore. He was gone.
“Uh-oh,” McGlade said. He grabbed something off the kitchen sink and tossed it to me. A Ping-Pong paddle. He also brandished one in his good hand.
“I’m not going to spank your monkey, McGlade.”
“I hope not, sis. That’s gross.”
“You know what I mean.”
“This is purely defensive, if he tries to—”
Something flew across my line of sight, and McGlade brought the paddle up to his face. A clump of monkey dung splattered onto it.
I quickly stood up and looked around the room, raising the paddle up over my mouth. About the only thing that could make my life worse was a faceful of Slappy crap, and I wasn’t about to let that happen.
“Where is he?” I said, justifiably paranoid. “I don’t see him.”
“We should get back to back,” Harry said. “Then he can’t sneak up on us.”
I nodded, backing into Harry, my eyes scanning the RV for any movement.
“Let’s go up to the cab. We can close the door so he can’t get us.”
“Good call.”
We walked cautiously over to the front of the Crimebago, my senses hyper-alert, like I was in a gunfight. I felt things squish underfoot but was afraid to look down and see what they were.
We were only two feet away from the cab when the monkey jumped off the refrigerator and leaped at me, howling, fangs bared and eyes wild. He caught my paddle, and his teeth latched on to my knuckle. I shook him free and then ran, with Harry, into the front of the RV and slammed the door behind me.
“Your monkey bit me!”
“Yeah, he does that.”
Harry settled into the driver’s seat. I stared at the blood running down my finger.
“Jesus, McGlade! Should I get this looked at?”
He shrugged. “I would. I can’t even remember all the disgusting things he put in his mouth today. Plus, he probably has all sorts of monkey diseases.” He started the engine. “Maybe you should just cut the finger off, before the germs get into your bloodstream.”
I used my sweatshirt to swab away some of the blood.
“Do you have a first aid kit?”
“It’s in the back.”
We both stared at the closed door. Scary monkey sounds came from behind it.
“Want to use my gun?” Harry asked.
I declined, instead using some tissues from the glove compartment and half a bottle of water that was in the cup holder.
“I know what will make you feel better,” Harry said.
He pressed a button on the dashboard, and the RV filled with Pink Floyd.
Amazingly, the screeching and pounding stopped.
“I guess Slappy is a fan of seventies psychedelic rock,” I said.
“That or he found my Vicodin. He got into my medicine cabinet earlier. Are those little bottles monkey-proof?”
“Probably.” I had no idea.
“You want to go check?”
“Hell no.”
“Well, then. We’ll assume it’s the Floyd. Wisconsin, ho.”
Harry put the RV into gear, and we headed east.
A
LEX HAS THE WINDOW CRANKED DOWN
—a temporary solution for the smell coming from the body in the backseat. She’ll deal with it soon. But she has other business first.
The wind is cold, harsh, and slaps at her cheeks. She only feels its sting on her right side. Alex brings up a hand, touches the rubbery scar tissue, feels a bit of stubble. One of the skin grafts was taken from her leg, and the hairs are sharp and pointy. She thinks about shaving again—an act that humiliates her almost as much as it angers her—and decides not to.
Samantha didn’t seem to mind it.
Alex smiles privately. What a wonderful eve ning it turned out to be. Shopping was fun, even though the boots are hideous. A terrific dinner. Then back to Sam’s apartment for a drink and what ever.
They never got around to the drink.
Alex closes her eyes for a moment, and can practically feel Sam’s body lying next to hers. It’s so pleasant, so right, that it makes her anger fade away.
The future is looking brighter and brighter.
This is the home stretch. Soon after Chicago, Alex will leave the country. She’ll be gone for a while. A year at least. Sun and fun, rest and recuperation. And then, who knows? Once everything is taken care of, the whole world will be open to Alex. It will be like starting a whole new life.
“I think I can fall in love with you, Samantha,” Alex says, half of her face grinning.
She reaches Chicago an hour later, never having to stop for gas. Maybe there’s something to this Prius hype after all.
The neighborhood is dark, quiet. She got the address, and the idea, from an earlier phone call. Rather than park anywhere near the house, she finds a space next to a fire hydrant, one block over.
If Alex wanted to do this quick, she could burst into the house, guns blazing, and kill her intended victim. Well, maybe it wouldn’t be so quick. He’s armed, has a burglar alarm, and has most assuredly been on heightened alert since Alex has gotten out. She could set the building on fire, wait to shoot him when he came running out. Or use some of Lance’s ordnance to send the house into the stratosphere. But those aren’t nearly as fun as what she has planned.
Giving Jack a sporting chance to prevent this murder, and watching her fail, is simpler, and more satisfying. Plus the authorities, and the media, will be focused on events here while Alex is off doing other, more important things.
She grabs her duct tape and a fresh cell phone. With some difficulty—both with the climbing and the securing—the phone gets set up in a tree across the street from the house, some dead leaves packed around it to keep it hidden. Then she brushes off the bits of tree from her outfit and heads back to the car.
After all the text messages she’s sent lately, Alex is becoming pretty adept at what is an awkward skill. Maybe she’s not as fast as the average schoolkid, but the six words appear on the screen quickly and easily.
THIS IS HERB. HE’S YOUR PARTNER.
N
O PHOTO THIS TIME.
But the first text message was followed up by:
HE DIES TOMORROW.
I was on the phone with Herb ten seconds later.
“Herb! It’s Jack. I—”
“Jack, I’m absolutely starving,” he interrupted, talking louder than normal. “Why don’t we meet to night at that sushi restaurant you liked? Remember how you went crazy for the maki roll?”
“Enough with the food, Herb. Alex just called me. You’re her next target.”
“Let’s discuss it over raw fish.”
“Did you hear me? I said Alex is coming after you.”
“I’ll be fine. Trust me. And I insist we grab a bite together. If not sushi, how about that seafood place on Halsted?”
“Herb—”
I stopped myself. Herb never met a food he didn’t like, but I’d met several, sushi being one of the biggies. He took me to a place a few years back and the maki roll made me so ill I still can’t eat fish. He knew that.
“Would dinner be just us?” I asked carefully. “Or would we have some friends along?”
“I’m pretty sure the Nicholas Brothers would be there too.”
Cute. The Nicholas Brothers were tap dancers. Herb also could have mentioned drinking draft beer, which was another reference to
tap
.
The Feds. They were listening in.
“Sounds nice, but I can’t make it. You need—”
“We can have a few draft beers afterward,” Herb said.
“I got it already, Herb. Now listen closely. The message from Alex said that you’ll die tomorrow. I need you to go away for a while. No credit cards, no relatives, don’t tell anyone.”
“I’m pretty sure I’ll be safe here. I have angels watching me.”
Herb isn’t good at subtle.
“Don’t put your faith in angels, buddy. She’s smarter than they are.”
“If we have a chance to catch her by making me bait—”
“No!” I yelled it loud enough that Harry jumped in his seat.
“It’s not your call, Jack. You’d do the same thing.”
“Dammit, Herb—”
“I’ll come out of this okay. I’m not the one you need to worry about.”
“Catching Alex isn’t going to protect me, Herb. You need to protect yourself and your wife. Alex…she killed Alan.”
There was an uncomfortable silence. I shut my eyes, saw Alan’s face, opened them again.
“I’m sorry, Jack. But that’s all the more reason I need to do this.”
“Herb, please—”
“Looking forward to that Turduckinlux. We’ll deep fry that baby when this is all over.”
He hung up on me. I stared at the phone.
“We could kidnap him,” Harry said. “Toss him in back with Slappy.”
“Bad idea.”
“Why? You think he’d eat my monkey?”
“The Feds.” I rubbed my temples. “His phone is being tapped by the Feds. And now that they know Alex is after him, they’ll camp on his front lawn. I won’t be able to get within a mile of him.”
“That’s a good thing. If you can’t get to him, neither can Alex.”
“She has to know that. She told me Herb was the target, which means she has a way to get through them.”
Harry gave me a sideways glance, then narrowed his eyes.
“You didn’t call Fatso on your phone, did you?”
I still had my cell in my hand. Harry made a face.
“Christ, Jackie. I told you the Feds can trace that. Have you been using that a lot?”
“No.” Then I remembered the long conversations with Mom and Dad earlier. “Not much.”
Harry rubbed his eyes, then extended the motion downward, massaging his jaw.
“You need to keep your head in the game, sis. The bond between siblings may be one of the strongest in nature, but those Feebie pricks pretty much guaranteed I’d do time if I help you or Phin.”
I folded my arms, anger creeping up my back and perching on my shoulders.
“So don’t help me, McGlade. Let me out here.”
He sighed. “Sis—”
“And stop calling me
sis
. There isn’t any proof we’re actually related.”
Harry shook his head. “You don’t know that. What about the DNA test thingy?”
“The lab hasn’t called. But I don’t need a lab to know that I share more DNA with Slappy than I do with you. Hell, McGlade, take a good look at yourself. You actually think we could have the same genes?”
“Mom says I look like my father.”
“Mom has trouble remembering to take her arthritis medication every day. You think she can remember a one-night stand from fifty years ago?”
“You’re just jealous she likes me more.”
“Likes you? No one can stand you, Harry. You’re an obnoxious, irritating, offensive, petty little man.”
“You forgot
ugly
,” Harry said.
“I’ll also add
dirty
to the list. Lathering yourself with aftershave is not, nor has it ever been, a substitute for a shower.”
“Wow. I really suck. You must have hated all of that time we were partners.”
I nodded. “I did.”
“And you must really resent that I still keep popping up in your life.”
More nodding. “I do.”
“And you must think I’m a total idiot that I never knew any of this before.”
Really enthusiastic nodding. “You got it in one.”
“Except I’ve known it all along.”
“I—” I squinted at him. “Huh?”