“So. Did Elaine the Minisupermodel help you decide otherwise?”
“I—”
“What if I say, being an expert in the field, that you"re not gay? What if I swear to it? Would that make you feel better? You"re bi-curious and tempted by something you"ve never tried. Go forth and be free forever. I"m leaving. I need my beauty sleep.”
“No, stop.” He followed me. “
Yasha
.”
I faced him again, wanting to start a brawl, wanting to wipe the misery off his face if I had to do it with my fist, knowing it was that kind of thinking that had brought me here to St. Nacho"s in the first place.
It had to stop somewhere.
“Look. I"m really sorry I don"t have anything to say to you, but I don"t. You need to stop following me. You need to get in your car and go home to wherever it is you live and forget about me, all right? Because I don"t do this. I don"t want this. I date
out gay men
. Period.”
“But you want me. I know you do.” He glanced my way, and even though I felt it, I didn"t look up.
I rolled my eyes. “I
want
a pony and a personal aircraft. I"ll live with my disappointment.”
JT looked dispirited when he got back into his truck and drove off.
* * *
Oddly enough I was neither surprised nor particularly unhappy to find that very same truck sitting outside the door of my motel room when I arrived, angry, tired, and sweating, a mile and a half later.
I didn"t stop this time to speak. I simply pulled out my keys and unlocked my door. I didn"t bother to turn on the light in the small room. Instead I waited for him to follow me inside and took him by complete surprise. I spun him around forcibly and pressed his body into the door after I closed it. His face was wedged against the wood, but he let out a chuckle, like he knew I was playing with him.
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Which I was
. There was no way in hell I was going to hurt him.
“JT.” I wanted to bite the skin of his neck, just below his hairline, where he smelled of cologne and nervous sweat. “Here"s the deal. Maybe we got off on the wrong foot. I understand curiosity, but if you don"t leave now, I"m going to bend you over that cheap desk and fuck your ass until you can"t sit down for a week.”
“Shhhhiiit…” he hissed, pressing his ass back against my cock. “
No
.” The sibilant whisper made the hairs rise on the backs of my hands where they held him fast. “No? JT, if you keep chasing after me, I"m going to own you. No way you can chick-date yourself out of that.”
He huffed another sound of surprise and ground out, “
No
.”
“"Cause this here is what happens to little boys who don"t know what they want. I
will
leave marks all over your body that you won"t be able to explain away. I
will
out your ass every time I see you in public, and take it—whenever I want, however I want, short of rape—when we"re alone.” Frankly I planned no such thing, but it was my own version of
Scared
Straight
! and had worked more than once to back a bi-curious boy off the deal.
JT caught my hand and pressed it to his heart. “Can you feel that?”
“Yes.” It beat frantically, erratically.
“Then you know I"m as excited right now as you are.” He nearly whimpered when I leaned against him, my cock wedged firmly between his ass cheeks against the seam of his tight jeans.
“Or you"re scared.”
“Hell yes, I"m scared.” He pushed back enough so that I let him up, but all he did was turn and pull me into his arms—his legs splayed—holding me between them. “You know I"m scared.”
“Then don"t put yourself through it. They don"t make a girl pretty enough to pretend that away.”
JT laughed. “You should have seen your face.” The little pisher mocked me.
“
Lovely to see you again, Jason
.”
Silence stretched taut between us, and I could swear I felt his heart beat inside my own chest.
“That hurt—seeing you there like that.” I swallowed hard. “I don"t know why really.”
JT put those gentle, delicate hands of his on my face, cupping it tenderly and bringing me in close. “I"m so sorry,” he whispered between kisses. “I"m sorry, Yasha.
I saw that I hurt you, and I am so,
so
sorry.” 90
Z. A. Maxfield
Chapter Fourteen
JT dropped his fingers to my shoulders and tightened there, and I recalled the stupid threats I"d made. That I"d bend him over and hurt him or out him to his friends. We both knew I"d do neither of those things. The fact was that we were attracted to each another. I could feel it in my gut each time he looked at me like I was melting ice cream he wanted to lick. My resolve oozed and gushed and ran in rivulets whenever he was around, and no matter how much I hated the thought of being the guy he came to after he dropped off his pretty girlfriends, I wanted him.
I planned to leave town with Dan the next day, and so I just gave in to it. I"m not entirely proud of that, but I didn"t beat myself up over it at the time.
Our clothes hit the floor with no ceremony whatsoever. Just a whisper of fabric, the scratch of a zipper, and the
ping
of one button torn off in someone"s impatience.
I did push him down over that desk, though, for show, because I"d said I would.
But when I got him there, I wanted to worship him, not debase him. I started by nuzzling the skin of his neck in the warm corner where it met his shoulder. It seemed sensitive. He squirmed and begged while I did it, while I kept my hand flat on his shoulder and ground my cock into the crack of his ass.
He clutched the surface of the desk. His fingers clawed, but they found nothing to hold on to until I covered his hand with my own, gripping it tight. He caught it and laced our fingers together, squeezing until my hand stung where his nails bit into my skin.
I wanted skin on skin: pressure, friction, lips, and sweat and the desire that builds when the train leaves the station and you"re trying to burn out the brakes, gaining speed, pulling back just enough to incinerate anything that could stop it before it reaches its destination. Somewhere along the way JT started making these amazing sounds, like tiny grunts, but needy, like it wasn"t enough, and I ran my finger across the tender, puckered hole between his ass cheeks. Cum splattered audibly against the drawers of the desk.
Fuck
, if that wasn"t the hottest thing.
“
Yasha
.” His legs began to quiver and shake beneath me. It felt like an earthquake at first until I realized he was still shuddering from the force of his climax. I kept his hand as I led him to the bed, where I yanked back the bedspread and pulled down the covers. He stumbled there, falling into the pillows, and I St. Nacho’s 3: Jacob’s Ladder
91
climbed in after him, rolling him facedown. Then I stretched out all along the hills and valleys of his back.
JT"s skin was damp with sweat, and I could glide my body over it, keeping my cock in motion, pressing him into the bedding. At that point I didn"t know what to think, whether I"d get off like that, from the friction, or whether he"d consider allowing me to penetrate him, part his ass and—ostensibly—pop his cherry right there in his old man"s motel. The briefest touch of my finger against the sensitive skin of his hole had caused him to come like a rocket, but I wasn"t sure he was ready to be taken that way, no matter what either of us said.
His body hair tickled me, tangling with mine, scraping my skin, crackling and sparking what felt like little electric shocks all along my legs and arms. I slipped my hands beneath him, cupping his pecs, fingering his nipples, finding the buds pebbled, and pinching them hard. I couldn"t help arching against him, nipping and fondling. I was everywhere at once until I could feel him let go of his brain in favor of his balls. I pumped my hips, my dick riding the crack of his ass on slick trail of pre-ejaculate, and he gasped out my name and writhed beneath me.
“Do it.” He gasped.
As if I’d just stick it in
. “Just…do it. I want it.”
“Turn,” I told him, slipping off.
When he complied, I could tell he was leveling off. His breathing had slowed, and he"d pulled back from the frantic, desperate edge I"d driven him to moments before.
I crawled between his legs and slipped down, parting them, unable to stop myself from burying my face in the nest of damp hair above his cock to breathe in the scent of man and spunk. “You smell so damned good.”
“Wait. Stop.”
“What?” I froze.
“
Jeez
.”
He put a hand to his face, over his eyes, and I found it endearing. Like a child who thinks you can"t see them if they can"t see you. I nuzzled down and licked his perineum from his balls down to his tightly puckered hole.
“I can"t believe you do that.”
“Don"t you eat pussy?” I asked. I don"t know if I expected him to answer. It might have been fun if he"d jerked with outrage. Instead he shrugged.
“
Yes
. That"s a little crude, though.”
“Sorry,” I told him, after mouthing his balls. “I love this. Love the damp skin.
Love the spunk.” I demonstrated by swiping a lick up his cock and suckling the tip, tasting the glistening fluid gathering there. “Love it sticky like this.”
“That"s—”
“I"m going to touch you again,” I said, brushing my finger lightly around his hole. “Here.”
92
Z. A. Maxfield
“Oh hey. No,” he said, closing his eyes and jumping a little when I did it. His dick twitched.
“Don"t you touch yourself there?”
He moaned when I pressed harder. “Of course not.”
“No?”
Liar.
“No.” He growled at that, lifting his head to shoot me a glare.
“Does it feel good?”
JT closed his eyes. “
Yes
.”
After a while I laughed a little. I couldn"t help it. “It
does
, doesn"t it?” He shook his head but refused to meet my eyes.
“Why do you suppose that is?”
JT lifted his gaze. “Heroin feels good. I don"t have to do everything that feels good.”
“Sexual pleasure is hardly heroin, JT.” I backed away. “Even if you"re religious, you must have some notion that it"s a gift from—”
“I understand
that
. I do. But there are things that are unnatural. Things that are forbidden.”
I felt like waggling my eyebrows at the melodrama in what he was saying, but refrained. I couldn"t help using my Dracula voice, though, when I said, “The darker passions. The love that dares not speak its name…” I wasn"t proud of it necessarily.
“Don"t make fun of me.”
I was contrite. “I"m sorry.” I crawled along the bed to lie on my side next to him, leaving sex for the moment in favor of discovering boundaries. I managed a nonchalant pose, my elbow bent, my head resting on my hand as if I had all the time in the world. “What is it, exactly, that you want from me?” He took my free hand in his. “I want to be close to you.”
“How close?” I asked, leaning in a little. “This close?” Instead of speaking, JT put his forehead into my neck, asking to be held. I wrapped my arms around him and pulled him against my chest. He clung to me.
“I"m embarrassed by what I want.”
“You don"t have to be. Never, in front of me.”
It took a long time for him to speak, and when he finally did, it was more of a whisper. “I have a small plug. Sometimes I…use that.”
“Does it feel good?”
He closed his eyes. “
Yes
.”
After a while I laughed a little. I couldn"t help it. “It
does
, doesn"t it?” He shook his head against my chest but refused to meet my eyes.
“Why do you suppose that is?”
St. Nacho’s 3: Jacob’s Ladder
93
He finally lifted his head. “If you"re going to say that it feels good because the Creator intended for you to have a cock up your—”
“I don"t pretend to know why it feels good, except for the physiological reasons.
I was just wondering if you had any ideas.”
He put his head back down. “Well, I don"t.”
“Did you know you can let your girlfriends peg you? Have you ever tried that?”
“
What
?” His eyes flew open. “No, of course not.” I stilled. What the fuck was I thinking? Suddenly I was going to be his marriage counselor? But I went on, undeterred. “Why not? You"re obviously into anal play, and you date women all the time. You could get all the pleasure from the act without going to a man behind their—”
He shoved me off him so hard, I rolled until I hit the floor. “Get the fuck off me, you shit.” By the time I got up again, he was dressing.
“JT, I"m only trying to—”
“You are
such
a fucking jerk.”
“I said I was sorry.” I guessed I had touched a nerve. “I really didn"t mean anything by it. You obviously date women. I thought… I don"t know what I thought.
I thought I could help.”
He clamped his hands together after he got his pants on. “I want to just…smack you.”
“Maybe I bring that out in people.” I wanted to laugh, but given my background, it wasn"t funny. “Probably I do.”
He raked trembling fingers through his hair. “Yasha, you stupid motherfucker.
It"s you I want. Your dick and everything that goes with it. The laughter, the heart, the uncertainty, those eyes of yours, watching me… Did you think I didn"t know that
anyone
can fuck my ass? Including girls? That"s my problem. I don"t want girls.
I wish I did.”
“I"m sorry.”
He"d worked himself up into a state and kept talking while he yanked his Tshirt on. “I"ve never told anyone I had those feelings. That I"ve…touched myself there. I"ve never let it past my lips that I might want that. It"s such a source of
failure
for me. I can"t stop wanting, I can"t stop looking at men, and now it"s worse than ever because it"s all narrowed down and personified in one man. A man I like—someone who wants me, and now I can"t stop thinking how it could be between us.”