Jeeves and the Wedding Bells (27 page)

‘I regret that a degree of dissimulation was necessary on occasion, sir. The reversal of our customary roles made it difficult for me to apprise you of my thinking at all material times.’

I hummed and hah-ed a bit. One or two other things were falling into place. The day that Jeeves had given me the morning
off tea-duty, presumably so he could have another confab with his co-conspirator … The way Mrs Tilman looked guilty when I mentioned how often in a day she seemed to bump into Lord Etringham …

What was still not clear to me, however, was the nature of what you might call the Masterplan. I think I may have mentioned the odd sensation I had had of being the plaything of Unseen Forces, and I suppose I should really have guessed that the UFs were Jeeves and Mrs Tilman. But I still wasn’t sure why they had gone to such lengths.

‘Jeeves,’ I said. ‘Mrs Tilman seems an excellent woman who—’

‘Most excellent, sir. Also a keen reader.’

‘Yes, I saw her wading through a Venables travelogue. I hope you’ll have many happy evenings swapping literary insights.’

‘Thank you, sir.’

‘And you somehow managed to get old Etringham on board. Did you realise that without his contribution the Hall would still have had to be sold? The deficit was beyond my means. Old Hackwood mentioned a figure. It was like the national debt of Bechuanaland.’

‘I was aware that some additional capital was of the essence, sir.’

‘But, Jeeves, what I don’t understand is why you wanted all this to happen. Why were you prepared to go to such lengths? I suspect that there was something more than the feudal spirit involved.’

‘Indeed, sir.’ Jeeves looked uncomfortable. ‘Before I enlighten
you, sir, I should like to confess another minor subterfuge.’

‘Go on.’

‘It concerns Lady Worplesdon, sir. A colleague at the Junior Ganymede has a brother-in-law who works for a printer’s in Clerkenwell. In return for a small consideration, he was prepared to make an imitation of a telegram such as Lady Worplesdon might have sent.’

‘You mean there were no building works at Bumpleigh Hall?’

‘None, sir. No visit was ever mooted.’

‘But you offered to put me on the blower to her.’

‘It was an invitation I felt confident you would decline, sir.’

‘My goodness, Jeeves, you have surpassed yourself.’

‘Thank you, sir. I felt it was essential for you to take up residence in Kingston St Giles. And I feared that a certain reluctance to interfere in the affairs of others might dissuade you from going.’

‘So you rendered Berkeley Mansions unfit for human habitation. Your cunning is simply serpentine, Jeeves.’

‘Alas not, sir. There were two developments that I failed to foresee. The first was that a copy of the local paper with a captioned photograph of the cricket team would make it into the real Lord Etringham’s hands.’

‘So his arrival was a surprise to you.’

‘A complete surprise, sir. Though I did see how it might be turned to our advantage.’

‘And the second one?’

‘The strong alcoholic drink sent backstage by Mr Beeching.’

‘It wasn’t you who re-routed it so it would knock out the old boy?’

‘No, sir. I saw the footman Hoad deliver it to Lord Etringham and was on the point of intervening when wiser counsels prevailed.’

‘What were these counsels?’

‘I found it hard to see how such a diffident gentleman as Lord Etringham could procure the approval of the audience. The part of Bottom, as you had rightly pointed out, demands a vigorous performance.’

‘And no ovation, no fossil study centre.’

‘So it appeared, sir. But at that moment the idea of an understudy or double, as it were, occurred to me. It was Mrs Tilman’s belief from the start that if Miss Meadowes were to see you on stage in a part both heroic and vulnerable her protective instincts would overcome her, compelling her to make a demonstration of her feelings.’

‘Which is why she suggested Georgiana to replace Amelia as Titania opposite me! Gosh, she’s in your league as a strategist, Jeeves.’

‘She is a keen student of the individual, sir. She has known Miss Meadowes for a long time and is aware that for all her literary education she is impulsively warm-hearted.’

‘And then the zonker cleared the way for me to replace Etringham.’

‘Indeed, sir. The drink seems to have had the desired effect. His lordship was unaware that it was alcoholic.’

‘That’s the joy of the zonker. Tastes like a fruit cocktail, kicks like a mule.’

‘I hope that Mr Beeching will in due course entrust me with the recipe, sir.’

‘I should hope so, too. But just to be clear on this, Jeeves. When Georgiana and I are married we’ll live here in the week and go down to Melbury Hall most weekends. Would you and Mrs Tilman be happy with that arrangement?’

‘It is most gracious of you, sir. We should be delighted. I imagine Mrs Tilman – or Mrs Jeeves as she will then be – would still be based in Kingston St Giles, while I shall spend more time in London. But there is ample accommodation for her in my quarters here and of course at Melbury Hall …’

‘You can have your pick of the rooms, Jeeves. No shortage. Avoid the fakir’s couch.’

‘Indeed, sir.’

‘I still want to know one thing, though.’

‘Yes, sir?’

‘Why did you go to such lengths – all this plotting and planning? These risks and impersonations? Surely this was beyond the call of duty.’

‘The reason is a simple one, sir. From the day I first met Miss Meadowes I formed a high opinion of her. I believed that if matters could be brought to a satisfactory conclusion your personal happiness could be guaranteed.’

‘You mean, you did all this for me?’

‘Yes, sir. Your previous entanglements with the fair sex have seldom ended happily. I had begun to think of you as one of
life’s bachelors. However, there was something about Miss Meadowes that was quite different from … From …’

‘All the others? Bobbie Wickham? Florence Craye?’

‘Indeed, sir. I was naturally aware that in many instances – such as that of Miss Madeline Bassett – you were acting only from a sense of chivalry. Nevertheless, it was generally a relief to all concerned when the engagement was terminated.’

‘You’re telling me, Jeeves. But are you saying that with Georgiana, rather than try to bung a spanner in the works … You played the willing … Who was the chap?’

‘The willing Pandarus, sir.’

‘Yes. But why, Jeeves, why? What can it have mattered to you?’

It occurred to me at that moment that the answer was obvious.

I looked down at the floor. I had begun to feel a slight pressure behind the eyes and an odd thickening of the throat – a sensation that took me back to the day I mentioned earlier, in the sickbay at school when I received the letter from home. Yet this time there was no sadness – quite the opposite, in fact.

When I looked up for an answer, I found that Jeeves had vanished. From the pantry I heard the sound of a cork being expertly drawn from a bottle of champagne.

I pulled myself together and stood up. From the open window there came the sound of motor-car horns in the street below.

Jeeves wafted in with tray, bottle and glasses. ‘I think Miss Meadowes may have arrived, sir.’

As I crossed the room, I said, ‘Jeeves. The side-whiskers. If you insist …’

‘It is entirely a matter for you, sir. It is not my place to make any such personal recommendation.’

I looked out of the window down to where Georgiana was attempting to park her open-topped car, to the considerable alarm and amusement of the local populace.

She looked up towards my flat and her eyes met mine. A sudden smile irradiated her face as she waved up at me. My heart was beating so hard inside my chest I feared it would burst the buttons from my shirt.

Hello, old girl!

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Copyright © Sebastian Faulks 2013

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