Authors: Taboo
Relief staggered Cassandra and she swayed a touch on her feet before she steadied herself. Even if she did intend to end it all with Nathan, she hated the idea that he was crowing over his blackmail. She didn’t want to believe that of him. Not anymore.
“Of course, he didn’t seem all that affected by my threats, either,” her friend continued with a shrug of one broad shoulder.
Cassandra raced forward, grasping both of Stephan’s hands in hers. “You
threatened
him?”
He hesitated, staring at their clasped fingers for a moment before he continued, his voice slightly unsteady. “Of course. Cassandra, you must know that I would do anything for you. Anything.”
She drew in a sharp breath as she stared up at Stephan. There, sparkling in his eyes…was
love
. And not the kind she felt toward him, of friendship, of gratitude. It was romantic love. The kind she felt toward Nathan.
She moved to snatch her hands away, but he clung to them.
“Don’t, Cass, don’t,” he pleaded. “I must tell you this, you must hear it.”
She shook her head, knowing full well what he was about to confess, even before he said the words. “Don’t say it, Stephan. Please don’t say it. Your friendship means too much to me. Once you say it, it can’t be taken back. And I don’t feel that way for you. I wish to God I did, but I don’t.”
“Because you love him,” he said, his voice dull and flat.
Cassandra swallowed hard. She knew the “him” Stephan referred to as plainly as he did. Her friend wouldn’t believe her if she lied. He knew her too well.
Finally, she nodded. The tears she had been fighting for so long trickled down her face.
Stephan never removed his stare from her, just held her gaze with a sadness and disappointment that broke her heart. Then he lifted her hands to his lips and pressed a kiss on each one.
“I may not speak my heart, but I will still feel it. And if you ever change your mind, I will be here. Whether as your friend or…” He released her hands and gave a wave in the air that spoke volumes.
Cassandra stepped back. “I appreciate that, Stephan.”
“And now we must decide what you will do about your Nathan Manning,” he said, the light back in his voice, the seriousness gone like he had never almost vowed his love for her. “Because you clearly need help and I am the best one to give it. After all, I know you so well.”
Cassandra swiped at her tears and laughed despite herself. “I suppose you do. And I admit that it would be a great help to talk about this with someone. I have been alone in it almost since the beginning. Elinor doesn’t understand and I certainly can’t discuss it with Nathan.”
“No.” Stephan poured himself a cup of tea with a dry laugh. “Most certainly not. Why face this with honesty and directness? It is so much more fun to dance around the truth, dodge the reality of the situation, which is that you are in love with this man, you share some kind of unhappy past with him…and that he has feelings for you, as well. Why would you ever wish to deal with that head on?”
Cassandra flinched. Stephan was mocking her, and when he laid her problems out like he just had, it did seem silly. But the problem was that Stephan was missing one very large piece of the puzzle. The one thing she had never told any other soul. Not Elinor, not Nathan, not her parents.
Stephan didn’t know what had happened to her the night she was to meet Nathan. The night he believed she had betrayed him.
“There is more to this than you know,” she whispered.
He tilted his head. “Do you wish to tell me?”
She hesitated before she shook her head. She couldn’t tell this man the secret she wouldn’t confess to the man she loved. It wasn’t fair to anyone involved.
“No.”
He shrugged. “Fair enough. So tell me, what do you want from Nathan Manning? What do you
need
?”
Cassandra sighed. That was the heart of the matter, wasn’t it? And asked directly, she could answer.
“I want him to let me go.” Her voice broke shamefully and she cleared her throat. “I need to break from him, once and for all.”
“You are certain?” Stephan seemed surprised. “Even though you care for each other?”
She laughed, humorless and pained. “If things were so simple, everyone would be happy. You know there are often complications that trump caring and respect and even desire to be together.”
Stephan’s lips pinched in pain before he nodded. “So you wish to end things before it gets harder.”
She sighed. That was the perfect summation. “I do. But I don’t know how to do it.”
Her friend took a seat, steepling his fingers as he con
sidered her troubles. Cassandra found herself holding her breath, awaiting some magical answer that Stephan would surely give.
“I think I know a way,” he finally said, reaching for her hand. “It will involve deception. And it will likely end your affiliation with Lord Blackhearth permanently, so you must be certain that is what you desire.”
Cassandra shivered before she took a seat across from him and leaned in closer. “I am certain. Tell me your plan.”
A
s the door to his office swung open, Nathan looked up from the paperwork spread out on his desk before him. He had asked not to be disturbed under the guise of doing work on one of his estates, but in reality, he hadn’t been concentrating on paperwork about the best crops to plant or on a ledger that outlined how his people were paid. Instead, his thoughts had been consumed by Cassandra and plans about how he could continue to see her, be with her, even as he fulfilled his need to find a proper wife.
His butler gave him an apologetic nod. “You have a visitor, my lord. I tried to tell her you were not receiving, but she has anchored herself in the south parlor and refuses to leave until you speak to her.”
Nathan’s heart leaped. Only one woman would be so bold. He pushed to his feet. “She would not give her name?”
The servant shook his head. “She said you would guess.”
“Indeed. Thank you, I shall handle this. Please do not allow us to be disturbed.”
The butler bowed out with a murmured yes, leaving Nathan to stare up at his reflection in the large mirror that hung above his desk. The last time Cassandra barged into his home it had been for that sinful night of sex that hardened his body every time he recalled it.
But today she came to his parlor in the light of the afternoon. She didn’t sneak in or bribe her way inside his chamber. She walked through the front door where any of his father’s spies could see her.
If she was willing to allow her visit to be public knowledge, she must have something important to say.
He left the room and hurried down the hallway to the parlor. Outside the door, he paused and drew a few long breaths. Calm was key. Until he knew her intentions, he couldn’t reveal his thrill at seeing her. Perhaps by the time this night was done, they would come to an agreement regarding a continued affair. One born of mutual desire, not blackmail.
Pushing the door open, he stepped inside. Cassandra was not seated, but paced around the room, hands clenched before her. When he closed the door behind him, she jumped and faced him. He couldn’t help but notice that her expression wasn’t one of desire, or need, or excitement. In fact, she looked like she was about to face a firing squad.
He made his own face unreadable in response.
“Good afternoon,” he managed to say as he moved closer. “I did not expect you.”
“I realize that, and I am sorry that I did not send word of my arrival first.” When he advanced a second time, she stepped back. “I was afraid you would not see me and it was imperative that I speak to you today.”
He motioned to the settee, but she shook her head. “I do not intend to stay long.”
He frowned. This did not bode well.
He took the seat she would not and looked up at her with a disinterest he didn’t feel. But he wasn’t about to let her know that he wanted to yank her into his lap and kiss her until she was senseless. Until she forgot whatever upsetting thing that had to be said this very moment.
“You are very serious,” he said softly.
She nodded, the movement jerky.
He shrugged. “Then say what it is you have come to say since you cannot escape me fast enough.”
She stopped wringing her hands and looked down at him, her eyes filled with sadness. “I realize I am being short, but that is not my intention. You must understand this is difficult for me.”
He nodded, unable to keep from softening in the face of her true upset. Whatever else was about to happen, he believed her statement to be true. This conversation was no pleasure for Cassandra.
“Speak, Cass,” he said softly.
She squeezed her eyes shut briefly, then met his gaze with an even, strong expression. “You came to me a few weeks ago, making demands, using blackmail to get something you wanted. I allowed it, for I felt I had no choice. But…”
She hesitated and Nathan’s blood began to roar in his ears as he waited for the remainder of the sentence. “But?”
“This is over, Nathan.”
He couldn’t help but buck to his feet in surprise. Although he had expected this conversation to be unpleasant when he saw Cassandra’s expression, this was not what he had anticipated.
“Over?” he repeated, hating how his voice broke and revealed too much emotion, too much pain—even more than he had believed he felt. The feelings washed over him, burning like boiling oil, refusing to be ignored. But behind the pain, behind the confusion, something throbbed all the stronger. Love.
He blinked as he stared at Cassandra through the blur. He loved her. He had always loved her, even as he hated her. Even as he blackmailed her. He loved her.
And she was walking away from him again.
Her breaths came short and labored as she continued, “I have given you what you desired, and you have humiliated and controlled me enough to avenge whatever you felt I did to you in the past.”
He arched a brow, his anger building. “Have I? You think a few weeks of minor discomfort mixed with ultimate pleasure can truly make up for the destruction of my life? The betrayal of the feelings I had for you all those years ago?”
She folded her arms, unmoved except for a slight twitch around her lips. “You may not think so, but
I
do.”
He sneered at her, his anger bubbling and boiling to the surface. Anger was safe, it was strong. “Don’t forget what I can do to you, Cassandra.”
He hated himself the moment he said it, for the threat was an empty one now. Now that he recognized the twisted truth that he still loved this woman, despite all she had put him through, he realized it had always been an empty threat. He never could have destroyed her when it came down to it. But from the way Cassandra flinched ever so slightly, she believed he was threatening her rather than merely playing a desperate card to make her stay.
She lifted one shoulder delicately. “If you feel you must reveal my secondary life, expose me and destroy me…then so be it.”
He drew back in pure shock. She was willing to be exposed?
She seemed to read his thoughts, for she sighed. “I have never been ashamed of what I do, of who I am…I won’t let you make me ashamed. If you reveal me, then what will be will be.”
“You’ll be ruined,” he reminded her.
A nod was her instant reply. “And perhaps
then
you will feel your own humiliation is avenged and you will be able to move on with your life. Either way, I will no longer be your plaything. This is a sick game, Nathan. You have a life to lead, as do I. Those lives never should have intersected in the first place, but now is the time to end it. Once and for all.”
He moved forward a jerking step. “And what brought on this sudden epiphany that you don’t give a damn what I do? What made you decide it was time to ‘move on’ with your life, as you put it?”
She sucked in a breath, but she held her ground as he crowded into her. Looking up, she met his stare.
“There is someone else, Nathan.”
He stared at her. “What?”
She hesitated for a moment before she whispered, “I have renewed my relationship with my former protector, Stephan Undercliffe.”
Nathan physically jerked away, spinning so he wouldn’t have to look at her. He couldn’t believe this was happening again. That she was revisiting the same betrayal that had torn them apart the first time. Especially since they had forged such a powerful bond during the past few weeks of passion, anger, and desire. He had felt that.
And she had too.
He stared with unseeing eyes at the opposite wall as every touch, every kiss, and every conversation they had shared flashed through his mind. When he turned back, she was still looking at him, unflinching.
Her words were correct, perfectly chosen to cut him to the bone. Her manner was exactly right, as well. She was stoic, her delivery of this mortal wound very matter-of-fact. It was all exactly right to make his rage overtake him, to make him turn away from her forever and never look back.
In fact, it was almost too perfect. Rehearsed, even.
And in that moment, he stopped believing her. She wanted him to think that she had turned to another. But in his heart, he knew it wasn’t true.
He smiled a brittle smile. Anger boiled up in his chest. How dare she lie, using their painful past against him? That actually bothered him more than her “confession” that she had turned to another man.
“Forgive my language, my dear, but
bullshit
.”
Cassandra flinched as Nathan spat the curse at her. How could he not believe her? He had been absolutely willing to believe the same lie all those years before. In fact, he
still
thought she had thrown him aside when she hadn’t come to meet him that long-ago night.
She had been completely certain that he would accept as truth the same falsehood now, especially when it came from her own lips.
And yet he didn’t.
“What I have told you is true,” she croaked, but she didn’t sound very honest, even to her own ears. “You can ask Stephan if you’d like. I’m sure he could be quite descriptive in his answers.”
Nathan’s nostrils flared, but he didn’t turn away.
Why
didn’t he turn away?
“I’m sure he would. That bastard would probably take great pleasure in making me seethe as I pictured the two of you tangled together in his bed.”
Cassandra tensed as Nathan’s face twisted with anger as he
said the last few words. But still, he didn’t recoil from her. If anything, he moved closer, his big body almost touching hers. She shivered at the unexpected proximity. It was as much torment as his continued pressure for the true reasons she was turning away from him.
“But all his coarse descriptions won’t make your lies any more true,” he said when she didn’t reply. “You are only using him in a futile attempt to make me walk away. But it won’t work, my dear. You are lying, desperate to end things. And I want to know why.”
Cassandra shook her head. This was enough. She wouldn’t torture either one of them any further.
“I’m leaving,” she whispered and moved toward the door.
His hand shot out and he caught her wrist, pulling her against him with just the slightest tug. “Not until you tell me the truth.”
She pulled at her arm, but he held strong. Panic began to rise in her and she tamped it down. He couldn’t see. He couldn’t know. No matter how hard he pushed her.
“You are so sure of yourself,” she panted, continuing to tug in the hopes that she could anger him enough to make him set her free. “So certain that I couldn’t want another man after having you again. Don’t allow your overconfidence to make you a fool, Nathan. I just don’t want you anymore. Avoid this humiliation and release me.”
Instead, he pulled her even closer. Her chest crashed against his, molding against him naturally, sucking in his
heat. Against her will, she breathed in his scent. Even in the midst of anger and upset, she had to force herself not to sigh with pleasure.
“Your body betrays you, Cass,” he said, his voice far softer now. “Even now you want me as much as I want you. You’ve told me more than once that you couldn’t be forced to be with me if you didn’t want this as much as I do. So why would you turn to another man? Even if you don’t care for me, you are finding great pleasure in my bed.”
He kept a tight hold on her imprisoned wrist, but with the other hand, he cupped her chin, tilting her face toward his. She blinked, fighting tears, fighting the need to lift her mouth to his. To declare that she still loved him as much as she had all those foolish years ago when she had been ready to throw away everything to be his bride.
“So unless you are in love with him, you shouldn’t want to run,” he continued.
She stopped tugging and forced herself to meet his eyes. She could end this if only she could declare she loved Stephan. If she could make Nathan believe that, he would let her go. He would never seek her out again.
“Are you in love with him?” he whispered, his mouth moving toward hers in a torturously slow descent.
She tried to nod, but found herself frozen. She opened her mouth, but the words just wouldn’t come.
“Tell me,” he pressed. “Do you love him?”
“Let me go,” she finally whispered, and this time when she
pulled at her wrist, he allowed her the freedom. She immediately made for the door, but his legs were longer, his stride stronger, and he made it there before she could escape.
Flattening his palm against the wood, he held it shut, trapping her once again with the unyielding plane of his body.
“Why didn’t you show up that night all those years ago, Cassandra?” he whispered.
Her gaze jerked up. He had never asked her that question. She had never been forced to escape his direct interrogation on what had happened that night.
“You know, don’t you?” she asked, turning the question back on him as she prayed he would let the subject go.
He tilted his head and his stare was more intense than she had ever seen. She flushed under the focused scrutiny. He was forcing her to think about things better left unremembered. Making her fight against feelings and nightmares that had taken so long to overcome.
“I’m not sure,” he said, and there was true confusion in his tone. “I thought I knew, but now…”