Jesus Lied - He Was Only Human: Debunking the New Testament (24 page)

This completely contradicts what the author known as Luke wrote in the Book of Acts. So, whom do we trust? Do we trust Luke when he says that Paul sought Ananias after meeting Jesus’ ghost, or do we trust Paul ‘himself’?

Choosing to believe the more probable account of Paul seems the most logical way to go. With that said, however, we have then, by process of elimination called Luke a liar. As such, how can we then trust anything that Luke had to say in his gospel that was not already previously written in Mark’s?

Paul’s conversion does pose a significant conundrum for Christianity; as it demonstrates that a miracle was required to convert Paul. If we are led to believe, as documented in Paul’s letters, that entrance into the kingdom of heaven is dependent upon our belief that Jesus was the Son of God, and he died for our sins, then it’s only fair that we ask; where is our personalized miracle to convert us?

I promise you this, if Jesus took the time to come down from cloud-land to convert me, I wouldn’t remain an atheist for very long. I also guarantee that there’d be no other religions or apostates if Jesus would get off his lazy ass and appear to humanity. Given that Paul asserts that we are denied passage to heaven if we don’t believe what was only revealed to him by way of miracle, then where the fuck is mine? Surely, it can’t be too much to ask.

What makes Paul so special is that he takes sole ownership of the concocted ideology that Jesus’ death was required to save mankind from sin. Rather than seeing Jesus as a Hebrew messiah, the like of Moses who was sent to bring the Jews out of bondage, Paul saw him as a salvation deity whose atoning death was required to pave the way for everlasting life in heaven.

It appears, however, that Paul was heavily influenced by the mythology of neighboring pagan nations who worshipped gods such as Attis, and Dionysus. These gods share an eerie symmetry and similarity with the story of Jesus:

These are also gods that found divinity via a violent death. Religious mythology borrowing from neighboring religious mythology is how all religions came about; after all we are only talking about a geographical region that spanned the same distance as Los Angeles to Phoenix.

Paul writes in his letter to the church in Rome:

For Paul the path to heaven is an easy one. This is what made Christianity so attractive to non-Jews, the Gentiles:

Is it any wonder that Christianity took off so easily and pervasively in the ancient world as it has after the founding of the United States? Effectively, Paul made his new religion one that could be followed from the sofa, all you have to do is shout,
“Jesus is Lord”
and you’re guaranteed immortal life in freaking paradise. Better yet, you don’t need to sacrifice animals, attend weird ceremonies (except the whole transubstantiation cannibalism ritual) or be circumcised… and bacon wrapped in shellfish is back on the menu! Pure genius!

If you have read my first book, you will know that I am a shameless fan of comedian Lewis Black. In keeping with my one-sided bro-mance with Mr. Black, (please call me, Lewis) we can pause for a moment to read his take on Jews converting to Catholicism, the original Church:

This may have been the ultimate Underground Railroad approach. But you have got to admire the balls on this guy. He proclaimed his Jewishness until his death. Which didn’t seem to bother the Catholics as much as it did the Jews, WHO NEVER GRASPED LUSTIGER’S IDEAS ABOUT KNOWING GOD. He was even considered as a possible successor to Pope John II.

Could you imagine that? A converted Jew becomes pope. Oh, the damage we could have done.

As it turns out, we didn’t need to get one of ours into the Vatican’s top spot to screw things up. The Catholic Church has been managing to do it very well all on its own.

Paul’s missionary campaign began in Antioch. He journeyed to Cyprus, where he converted Sergius Paulus, the governor of the island. It was probably at this point that he changed his name from Saul to Paul, in honor esteemed convert. Paul traveled throughout Asia Minor where he spread the promise of Jesus’ return, and the reward of eternal life, Paul returned to Antioch. Approximately fifteen years after his first missionary tour he hit the road again, this time his journey taking him as far as Corinth, Greece. A couple of years later he partook in a three-year stay in Ephesus and it were during these missionary periods that he wrote his Epistles.

When the Epistles, or letters, made their way back to the Jewish-Christian leaders in Jerusalem, the shit literally hit the fan. The Jewish Christians were horrified that Paul was telling non-Jews that they need not follow the Mosaic Law, as they believed him to be constructing a pagan like religion, which he indeed was. You can imagine their dismay when they read Paul’s letter to the church in Galatia:

Effectively, Paul is trying to convey the message to his fellow Jews that he believed it impossible for someone to continue to do everything written in Old Testament law. He believed it was an unattainable standard, because no one has the capacity to be completely obedient all the time. But isn’t Paul’s new religion much ado about Jesus? What was Jesus’ view on the Law?

GASP! A contradiction in the bible? Holy foreskins, Batman.

I am not sure how Jesus could be any more direct in expressing his feelings on the matter. If you don’t follow the law even better than the Jewish priests
, “you will certainly not enter the kingdom of heaven”
.

I can’t find a single verse or quote in the New Testament where Jesus says; “You guys can throw out the law after I’m dead, because it was all barbaric bullshit designed to keep Moses’ tribe from shagging donkeys.” Jesus says nothing of the sort. This is solely and wholly Paul’s attempt to broaden his fledgling religion’s sales appeal.

Anyway, Paul is summoned to Jerusalem to give a ‘please explain’. During lengthy deliberations at the conference in the city, an agreement was reached which decreed that non-Jewish converts need not observe the law of the Torah… and millions of penises everywhere breathed a huge sigh of relief. But remember this as a wonderfully framed illustration of how ‘human’ the origins of Christianity were. Decisions made arbitrarily and by committee no less, which was in deep contrast to what apparently Jesus’ opinion on the matter.

For the next few years the Jewish-Christian elders in Jerusalem were at peace with their missionary Paul and he continued to spread the word that non-Jews could convert without cutting off the tip of their wieners. Word, however, trickled back to the hierarchy that Paul was denouncing or ridiculing Moses and the law:

An irreconcilable rift had begun between Paul and Jewish Christianity. Paul was soon summoned back to Jerusalem for a second conference, but he concealed his views, and cleansed himself in the Temple. The following day, however, the city allegedly descended into chaos as word spread that Paul had been ridiculing the memory of Moses:

Paul was promptly arrested but tried to plead his innocence by using the old ‘God spoke to me’ defense:

The mob didn’t buy it, and if not for the intervention of the Roman police he’d have been killed where he stood.

The Roman commandant Claudius Lysias decided to bring Paul before the Sanhedrin to investigate the cause of the disturbance. Paul appealed to the Pharisee majority to acquit him, claiming himself to be a Pharisee.

Paul, in a daring ‘escape from Alcatraz’ like rescue attempt was liberated by the Pharisees, from the high priest. The high priest, however, resenting this escape, appointed forty men to assassinate him. Learning of the plot, Paul again placed himself under the protection of the Romans, who transported him by armed guard from Jerusalem to Caesarea.

This seems to me to be an indication of Paul’s distinct lack of faith, that he did not ask or trust Jesus to watch over his welfare. It is somewhat akin to the Cock-In-A-Frock Pope requiring a bulletproof vessel for whenever he steps out into the public domain.

Regardless, the High Priest Ananias was infuriated, no doubt because of Paul’s eluding his police taskforce in Damascus, and laid a charge of anti-Roman activity against him. Paul appealed for a trial in Rome before Caesar, which was his right as a Roman citizen. The insinuations made in
Acts
is that the Jewish “elders” were also implicated in the charges against Paul is not historically supported, since these same elders had just acquitted him in his Sanhedrin trial.

What perplexes me is that Christian Jews were apparently able to practice their Courts in Jerusalem, when Jesus had, according to the Gospels, been charged and executed as a heretic revolutionary? Isn’t this the equivalent of former Mayor Giuliani allowing Al-Qaeda to establish offices in New York in the days after 9/11? It’s just absurd!

Paul was then sent to Rome, and it is here that our information ends. Legend speaks of his eventual martyrdom in Rome, which led to his canonization as Saint Paul.

A further blow to the credibility of the Gospels’ accounts is the fact that Paul is silent on just about everything Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John had to say. Remembering that Paul wrote his Epistles prior to the Gospel of Mark being written; they suggest the events reported by the Gospels were largely unknown to Paul. This further suggests that they were fabricated.