It was the first time since
This
happened that I hadn’t been able to take care of myself or keep things under my own control.
More than being tortured or possibly even being killed, this, to me, was true terror.
I came to understand how someone like Don, someone who hadn’t managed his condition from the beginning, would resort to drug use to dull the sensation. I could feel the vampire parts trying to claim the rest of me, whatever Joe parts I’d been able to keep whole by sheer will and Louise’s sage advice. The Joe parts were fighting back with what little might they still had, but I knew they weren’t strong enough in this condition to go the distance. In all of our conversations, Louise and I had somehow failed to cover what might happen if a vampire refuses to feed, even from the blood of lesser animals. Maybe it all comes down to some version of re-death; maybe there was something even worse waiting for me down the line. Either way, there wasn’t a chance in hell I’d feed in front of these jags, no matter how dicey it got.
I was, to put it in my own terms, up shit creek without a bottle of coconut water.
But after all the work I’d done to keep this fucking impulse at bay, I wasn’t about to give them the satisfaction of watching it all come undone.
POST 43
Bloodletting
I had no idea how long they left me there, strapped to a chair and pinned at the shoulders with a camera trained on my face and a spotlight shining on me. I kept my eyes closed for the most part, trying to use the mind-clearing exercises Louise had turned me on to, extending them into pain control as much as I could. With no heartbeat to keep track of, I made myself count my breaths, even though they were shallow and nearly useless. If nothing else, it kept me calm under fire. There were moments when everything went still and white, and I wondered if I had died, finally and for real. Then a surge of indignant anger would slam through me, and I’d be wide awake and back in the chair, panic-stricken and questioning my sanity. I knew it was the vampire parts struggling to survive by fighting my unintentional attempts to starve them out. And right beside them were the Joe parts struggling to survive, period. Both were working in my favor, keeping me alive while I was smack dab in the middle of someone else’s attempt to kill me. More than any progress I had been able to make with it, I think the situation helped unify the two halves into a single being with a single purpose. But once those dickheads came back and did whatever they were going to do, it wouldn’t matter.
As one whole or in two halves, all of me would likely be in many more non-figurative pieces than that in a very short while.
It could have been hours or days that had passed when they finally returned. I couldn’t tell. By that time, I didn’t have enough strength left to think. But I smelled their blood as they came in and I felt the vibration practically shatter my bones. So I breathed, squinted into the unbearable light and watched their silent figures preparing for whatever masochistic procedures they had on their list. Then they turned down the light, and I heard their plans unroll as they narrated documentation for the camera. Lucas controlled it like a science lab, with a clinical arrangement of tools and narration for every step. Kyle was his faithful assistant, like an overly worked-out Igor. Jeremy kept to the background again. They spoke, but said nothing to me as they worked. “Subject has been isolated for 72 hours,” Lucas said. No emotion whatsoever. They saw the rat carcass on the floor and knew I hadn’t fed from it. “Subject has had no nourishment, blood-based or otherwise, since prior to experiment period.”
“Discovery Channel will… love you guys.” I could hardly speak, but somehow, I could still make wisecracks.
That was the thread my sanity was hanging by.
They didn’t respond. “Today we’ll be enacting a series of pro-cedures in an attempt to better understand the impact of various stimuli on Sanguine Vampiris.” So there was a scientific name for me after all.
I shouldn’t have cut my vampire research Google session short, I guess.
Then he ran down the array of happy times he had in store for me, no doubt playing mind games in an effort to win my cooperation. I just listened as his voice droned… and, of course, I was making bullet points in my head while he spoke.
•
These stimuli will include the application of extreme heat to the dermis and soft tissue…
– Kyle fired up a blowtorch and narrowed the flame. They were going to burn my flesh to see what would happen.
•
… as well as extreme cold
– Lucas lined up a collection of small tanks marked SuperChill. I recognized them from internet ads as liquid nitrogen used for home use in removing skin tags and stuff… so they were going to freeze me, too.
•
In matters of vivisection, we will be removing the incisors to document the subject’s ability to regenerate
– Kyle pulled out the gnarliest pair of non-dental pliers I’d ever laid eyes on. They were going to rip out my fangs and see if they’d grow back.
•
Ultimately we will be performing a cardiactomy to gauge the extent of continuation for vitality beyond removal, as well as for post-mortem dissection of cardiac tissue…
– Lucas fired up a little circular saw, and the whine of it nearly shattered my eardrums. They were going to cut out my heart to see what happened next.
•
… and a craniotomy to examine what possible differences might exist between human and vampire neural matter
– They were also going to cut into my brain and take a look at what made my head tick.
•
Any extraneous biological material that might remain will be dissolved in a hydrogen chloride-based solution to prevent the spread of possible viral organisms beyond the host subject
– Kyle dragged an industrial steel drum out of the darkness. They’d finish up the show by using acid to eat away whatever was left of me.
How disturbingly complete they were. So clinical and methodical.
They must have watched as many science TV documentaries as I did… and I was entirely disappointed that I recognized all the terminology. Otherwise, I might have been numbly unaware of what they had in store for me. Instead, I now knew every detail, and I was too zoned out to do anything to stop any of it. I watched them pull on their makeshift biohazard coveralls, which were really just snowsuits gathered at the cuffs with duct tape, obviously left-overs from the overindulgent ski vacations required for all rich white boys. “You guys have this down… to a science,” I managed to say. I figured if my smart mouth was going to be shut for me, it might as well have something sharp coming out of it when it happened.
Besides the fangs, of course.
In all honesty, I should have been in such an extreme state of fear by then. But I couldn’t summon that emotion. I would like to say it was from the simultaneous sensory overload/nutrient deprivation, but I almost think now it was some kind of vampire bravado that wouldn’t let me believe things were as dire as they had become. Whatever it was, it gave me cold comfort and kept me at least somewhat alert.
Lucas was in my face again. “Pause the recording, Kyle… and would you and Jeremy mind stepping out for a minute? I want to talk to Joe privately before we get things rolling.” Kyle clicked the camera off, and he and the reluctant accomplice in the corner drifted deeper into the darkness, but not before I heard Jeremy say, “We could still let him go… we haven’t done anything to him yet.” I don’t think his plea for me mattered.
But it was a nice gesture, I guess.
Then it was just me and Lucas, the guy I had thought would take me into my next life as a musician. Instead, he was just going to take me into my next life, if there even was one waiting for me. It was as good a time as any to plead my case. “I’m not the monster you think I am.”
“Actually, you’re more of a monster than you think you are.” His voice had no false charm anymore.
“I’ve kept it all under control. I haven’t hurt anyone.”
“It’s only a matter of time, Joe. You can’t hold back your hunger forever. You’re more creature now than man; you know I’m right about that. And if you have even a shred of humanity left in you – which I think you do – you’ll understand why I have to do this.” Turns out he wasn’t much of a salesman after all. “You’re a good guy. I’ve liked getting to know you a little bit. Maybe under different circumstances we could have been friends. And you’re a hell of a musician; I would’ve liked to see where that went, too. But vampires can’t just roam around with the rest of us… it’s a dangerous mix. I know you get that.”
I didn’t
get that
. I knew how different I had become, but I knew how much of me I had maintained. “No matter how much you want me to, I won’t be a monster for you.”
Of everything I had said, all my smart-ass comments and disrespectful digs, this one actually set him off. “You already
are
Joe – you’re a demon walking in the skin of a man! What has to happen to make you understand that? Do you need to kill one, or a hundred, or a thousand people before you figure it out? It’ll happen… once you taste blood, your hunger will grow and you’ll never stop.” He drifted to his tools. “You’ll never stop, which is why
I
have to stop you.”
As blank as my sight had gone, I tried to look him squarely in the face. “I will never feed from a human being –
ever
.” It wasn’t just a promise I was making to save my life. I honestly meant it. Whatever I’d done up until then, I’d keep doing. Whatever it took, I would keep my hunger down.
No matter what he wanted me to do, I wouldn’t feed. Not for him.
And then he was on me, kneeling over the chair with a jagged blade against his forearm. “Yes, you will.” He dragged the blade down, and a crimson seam rose from the gash. The scent of it was beautiful, like a river of red nectar flowing down his flesh. Then he rubbed it into my mouth.
It was the best fucking thing I’ve ever tasted.
I just sucked on his arm, letting every sense in me finally come alive – really alive, not the half-alive I’ve sustained with beef and liquid electrolytes. Instead of the unity of the Joe parts and the vampire parts, it felt more like they had each come back into their own, like I had two souls now instead of none.
Suddenly I understood why vampires did what they did.
And that was just a taste. Imagine what an entire feed would be like…
Lucas pulled away, and I heard him turn to switch the camera back on. He wanted evidence, and I’d just given it to him. “See?” he said. “You’re a monster, just like all the rest.” The hatred in me welled, and the small sampling of vitality was enough to restore me. I felt myself pull at my restraints, and the leather straps broke away like party streamers. I pulled the spikes from my shoulders and unpinned myself from the chair. There was no pain whatsoever. For me, at least.
When Lucas turned around again, there was plenty of pain for him.
“You wanted the monster, you
fuck
,” I growled at him. “Here he is.” I reached for his neck, clutching just below his jaw and pulling him down toward me until we were nose to nose. “You might be justified in figuring out how to kill me – even more so after I’m finished here – but I don’t think you’re going to get the chance.” His eyes were sheer terror, and I’m sure he would have been screaming if I hadn’t been crushing his wind pipe like I was. I just kept squeezing his throat, feeling the tendons struggle under my grip. The human Joe knew something had gone terribly wrong, but the vampire Joe felt vindicated in some way, like the hunger that had built could finally be put to rest, and the loss would be almost commendable considering my victim was a certifiable psychopath. They fought within me for control.
The vampire Joe was easily winning.
The smell of Lucas’s fear was throwing me into a full-on contact high when another smell came into the room. This one was familiar, and comforting, and not entirely without its own fearful undertones. “Joe, you need to let him go, buddy,” Hube said. His voice cut through the confusion. “This isn’t what you want to do.”
I don’t know how long he’d been there, but I think he’d seen most of what had just happened. “Actually, I’ve put this off long enough… I think I’m ready to feed now.” I was panting into Lucas’s face, moving my mouth down toward his neck. I felt the strength in his hands as he pushed against me to get free, but it was nothing compared to mine. His pulse fluttered under my thumb; I smelled his blood, sweet like sugar through his skin and my fangs sharpened and ached with anticipation. This was so much easier than sucking on flank steaks – and far more satisfying, if the taste I’d had were any indication of things to come. I had my teeth bared, felt Lucas struggling in my hand, was ready to bite into another human being to satisfy this hunger that just would not go away, and damn the consequences.
Hube pleaded again, as desperate and honest as I’d ever heard him. “There’s more human inside you than there is vampire, Joseph. As deep as this shit has gotten, it’s always been that way. You’re a good man, no matter what. Don’t let this prick be right; don’t let him turn you into a monster you don’t want to be.”
The voice of reason. Tried and true, and always there when things were about to spin out of control.
And that was what I needed to hear, I guess. I let go and dropped Lucas to the ground, dazed and half-conscious. Then I fell next to him as the blood high started to pass. Hube was right there to catch me with his arm around my shoulders, just like he had been from the start. Like he would have been the whole time if I hadn’t so totally cut him out. I remember saying “I’m tired, Hube.” And I was, but not only from the torment I’d just been through. I was tired of having to always fight
This
and never quite winning, tired of worrying what would happen if I just gave in, and what would happen if I didn’t. Tired in my goddamned bones of feeling like the secret I was trying to keep covered would eventually kill me somehow, whether I screamed it to the world or held it in forever.