By ten o’clock that morning, the nurse and the midwife had given final instructions and gone, promising to return several times over the coming week. Aunt Martha and Dorcas had driven
Grossmama,
Anna and Rose
home, and
Aunt Jezzy had gone to take a nap. Ruth and Eli were sharing tea and slices of blueberry pie at
Mam’s
table while Irwin admired the new babies.
“They’re so small,” Irwin said. “They have little fingers and noses.”
“Ya,”
Susanna agreed. “Little noses.” She giggled. “King David and me. We’re getting married. Having two babies.” Her round face beamed. “Girl babies.”
“Not anytime soon, I hope,”
Mam
said. “Now, be a big help to me, and you and Irwin go feed the chickens.”
Johanna sat in Aunt Jezzy’s rocker with Luke while Eli cradled Adam in the crook of his arm. She looked down at Luke. Had her own felt this sweet in her arms...been this tiny and perfect?
She knew that Jonah had been even smaller, but it was easy to forget the softness of a newborn’s skin and the scent of a clean baby.
Adam was fast asleep, but Luke’s eyes were open, his pink lips pursed and dribbling a few drops of milk. Ruth had dressed the boys in pale blue cotton gowns, long-sleeved, that tied at the bottom. White, tight-fitting caps covered their heads, but ringlets peeped out at the forehead and cheeks.
“I’m surprised they have so much hair,” Eli said.
Ruth smiled and her weary but happy gaze met Johanna’s. Ruth’s face was pale, but other than the shadows under her eyes, she hardly looked like a woman who’d stayed awake all night and delivered twins. The nurse had urged her to try to get some sleep, but Ruth insisted on getting up and coming to the kitchen for breakfast.
Johanna had been concerned, but
Mam
wasn’t.
“I was exactly the same way,”
Mam
pronounced. “When the house quiets down and the excitement wears off, they can all three sleep.”
“Mam!”
Miriam called from the pantry. “Where’s the detergent?” She and Rebecca had volunteered to do the Monday wash.
“There a new box behind... Never mind, I’ll find it,”
Mam
answered, rising to her feet. On her way out of the kitchen, she stopped to gaze down at the baby in Johanna’s arms. “The Lord has blessed you and Eli,” she said to Ruth. “Now comes the hard part, raising them to be men like Eli and my Jonas.”
“We’ll do our best,” Ruth promised, stroking Adam’s cheek. Then she glanced over at Johanna. “I can’t believe they’re here. I can’t believe...”
“There was ever a time without them,” Johanna finished for her. She tucked her index finger into Luke’s hand and he tightened his grip around it. A flood of emotion brought tears to Johanna’s eyes.
She gathered Luke in her arms and cradled him against her shoulder. He wiggled and made small baby noises that tugged at her heart.
I need another baby.
And suddenly, all the doubts about remarrying that had troubled her for months dissolved away into nothing. Family was what was important. And if she wanted more children, she would have to marry. “I have to go and see Roland,” she said abruptly.
Ruth chuckled. “It’s about time.” She looked at Eli, whose expression was blank. “Poor Roland. He doesn’t know it, but his single days are numbered.”
Eli glanced at Johanna. “You Yoder girls... Do you have any idea what’s she’s talking about?”
Johanna didn’t answer. She passed sweet Luke to
Mam,
grabbed a scarf off the peg by the door and tied it over her hair as she hurried out the door.
“Where are you off to in such a hurry?” her mother called after her.
“Roland’s!” Johanna’s heart pounded in her chest. She crossed the yard, nearly colliding with Irwin, who was coming out of the barn. “Could you hitch Blackie for me?” she said. “To
Dat’s
courting buggy.”
“Now?” Irwin grimaced and reached up to scratch a mosquito bite on his arm. “Jonas’s courting buggy? There’s two bags of feed sitting in front of—”
“That’s the carriage I want,” she said. “I need the courting buggy. It’s past time I found a husband.”
Chapter Fifteen
J
ohanna drove Blackie at a fast trot down the lane toward the blacktop. She knew she was being impulsive, but she couldn’t help herself. She’d always been that way; once she made up her mind on something, she had to do
something about it. And she was going to do something about her and Roland.
She’d had enough courting. What woman her age courted, anyway? If Roland wanted to marry her, as he said he did, it was time. They were a well-matched couple. They had grown up with the same values and the same customs and friends. Despite what had happened before between them when they were teens, she knew the measure of Roland as a man. She could give herself entirely to the partnership with him without fear that he would be unkind to her children or fail to provide for them.
It had been difficult and had required many hours of prayer and many tears, but gradually, she had forgiven Wilmer for his weaknesses...for his illness. She was not so much locking the gate on that part of her life, but opening a window to let in the fresh air of spring after a long, dark winter. Wilmer was in God’s care, and it was not her place to judge Wilmer or to speak ill to Jonas and Katy of their father. Instead, she had sought diligently for something honest she could tell them and found a gentle truth.
Wilmer was a man who spent his lifetime seeking God and struggling with his own human failures to live according to the faith.
That should give both her children a sense of satisfaction and hope that the Lord would consider his sickness and take pity on him.
“I’ll not make the mistakes I made with Wilmer,” Johanna said aloud. Blackie heard her and perked up his ears. She reined him to a halt as they neared the road and looked both ways to see that no traffic was coming. Then she flicked the leathers over his back to guide him out onto the shoulder that bordered the high-crowned blacktop.
“I’ll curb my willful nature,” she pronounced, more to herself than to the horse. Blackie tossed his head, but whether he agreed or disagreed or was simply shaking off a horsefly, she didn’t know. Her thoughts were now flying in so many directions...life was so full of possibilities.
From the first day she exchanged vows with Roland, she would put aside her own selfish needs. She would be more like Anna, making an effort to curb her stubbornness and to remember that her husband was ordained by God to be the head of the family. Not that she wouldn’t speak up, but she’d allow herself to be guided by her husband.
In return, she would have her own house again. J.J., Jonah and Katy would have both a mother and a father, and she and Roland could work together to teach all three of them, bringing them up to be good and productive members of the community. Her fears that she would be a burden on her mother would vanish, and she would have the pleasure of cleaning and reorganizing Roland’s home from top to bottom. And, God willing, she and Roland would be blessed by more children...her own sweet babies to cuddle and care for.
By the time she turned into Roland’s lane, Johanna’s spirits were high. It had always been that way for her. She would struggle for days or weeks with a decision, but once it had been made, she threw herself into whatever it was wholeheartedly. “How do you like this barnyard?” she asked Blackie. “And the stable? It looks comfortable to me. Maybe you’ll be living here soon.” She couldn’t help but smile at her own silliness in talking to a horse as if it understood. If anyone heard her, they’d think she’d been eating too much May butter and was addled.
It was a good place, this farm of Roland’s. It pleased Johanna to see the buildings tidy, the roofs sound, the siding and concrete block walls painted red with white trim, the doors hanging straight, with no sagging. Likewise, the windmill—blades turning regularly in the wind—seemed as solid and substantial as the rest of the outbuildings. It was evident that Roland was a hard worker, a man who believed in keeping his barn and sheds and house in shape.
She reined in Blackie near the hitching rail and gave a sigh of relief to see that Roland’s buggy was still in the open shed.
Her gaze fell on a bare patch at the back of the house. There was a low brick wall running around it, telling Johanna that someone had once planted flowers there. It would be a good spot for climbing roses, she thought. She’d always favored red roses, the old-fashioned kind that took the heat well and thrived with only a little care. She could imagine the way the air would smell early in the morning, and decided that when she came to be the wife in this house, she would plant flowers everywhere.
At that instant, Jonah and J.J. came running around the chicken coop. Jonah was in front, and he had lengths of baling twine tied to each arm. J.J. was behind him, holding the strings as though they were reins. When he caught sight of her, J.J. stopped short and dropped the reins onto the ground.
Jonah snorted like a horse, jumped into the air, and then saw her and began to giggle.
“Mam!”
he cried and ran up and hugged her. “J.J. has a cart, like a wagon, but with two wheels. We were playing horse and...and... Are my baby cousins—did they come last night?”
“Early this morning.” She squeezed him tightly. “Good morning, J.J.,” she said with a smile, and then went on about the babies. “Two little boys, Adam and Luke, one with yellow hair and one with ginger.”
“Like me!”
“Like you,” she agreed. “It looks like you two are having fun. I hope you helped Roland with chores this morning.” She looked around but didn’t see him. “Is J.J.’s father in the house?”
The back door opened and Roland’s sister Mary stepped out. “Morning!” she called. “Did everything go well with Ruth?”
“It did, God be thanked. The babies are healthy and Ruth is already up and on her feet.” Johanna straightened Jonah’s straw hat. “Go and play while you can,” she said. “We’ll be going home soon.”
“I get to be the horse next,” J.J. called.
“All right.” Jonah nodded. “But first you have to catch me!” With that, he darted off, J.J. shrieking merrily and scampering after him.
“I’ve just made a fresh pot of coffee,” Mary said, “and corn muffins for the boys. Would you like to come in and have some? It seems so long since we’ve had time for a good chat.”
Johanna hesitated. She liked Mary, considered her one of her good friends, and she always enjoyed visiting with her, but today... Johanna swallowed, trying to ease the tightness in her throat. “Actually,” she admitted, “I’ve come to talk to Roland.”
“He’s not here,” Mary answered. “I’m sorry, but he was called to his new job at Windward Farms. John Hartman picked him up early this morning. That’s why I’m here with the boys.” Mary’s expression showed her concern. “I hope it’s nothing bad,” she said.
Johanna’s stomach clenched. “He’s not here? But I thought... I saw his buggy and...” Mary’s words sank in. John had picked him up.
Roland wasn’t here.
She’d gotten her nerve up and come to say her piece, and it was all for nothing.
“I hope whatever it is...” Mary brought a hand to her mouth, clearly torn between wanting to know what was so important between them and not wanting to seem nosy. “You two...” She took a deep breath and went on in a rush. “I hope that your courting...you know what I mean.” She flushed. “I guess what I’m trying to say is that I’d love to have you as my sister...if...”
Johanna smiled. “You know I can think of no one I’d rather have for a new sister than you.”
“Sorry you missed him. I don’t know how long before he’ll be home.” She motioned toward the direction the boys had gone. “Anyway, J.J. and Jonah are having such a good time, would you care if your boy stayed here? I can get my driver to drop him off at the house when I go home. It was short notice.” She chuckled. “Roland sent John for me this morning after he got word he was needed. It’s a wonder John gets any vet business done, what with all his running around, driving the Amish.”
Johanna felt the energy drain out of her. Suddenly, the strain of being up all night without sleep began to sink in. If she couldn’t speak to Roland this morning, she wondered if she’d have the nerve to try again tomorrow. “You don’t mind watching Jonah?” she asked. “Are you sure you don’t mind?”
“Ne.”
Mary opened the screen door wider to let a striped tabby cat walk into the kitchen. “Not at all. Jonah is always good for me. Helpful and well mannered.”
Johanna grimaced. “Better here than at home, I suppose. Sometimes, he can be a handful.”
“Natural for boys,” Mary said. “You should see some of my cousins’ kids. But Jonah will be a help. I’ve got some string beans for them to snap after their lunch, and eggs to gather, but mostly they can play. J.J. gets lonely here all by himself. I’m glad he has a chance to be with Jonah today.”
“If you’re sure...” Johanna glanced back at the hitching rail where Blackie waited. “He’s at Windward, you say. That isn’t far. I think...” Suddenly, she remembered that she’d come away from the house in just her old blue scarf, not fitting to be seen by English or by strangers on the road. She didn’t want to shame herself or Roland. But Mary was wearing her starched white
Kapp...
“Mary? Could I borrow your prayer
Kapp
and bonnet?”
“My
Kapp
and bonnet? Of course, but...sure.” She went back into the house and returned in less than a minute with her black bonnet. “Why do you need it?” But she was already removing the pins that held her
Kapp
in place.
“I’m going to find Roland,” Johanna said, trading her worn scarf for Mary’s
Kapp
and bonnet. “What I need to say, I have to say now, and if it means following him to his work, I’ll have to do it.”
“If it’s so important, you should go,” Mary encouraged.
Johanna thought she read admiration mixed with curiosity in Mary’s eyes. “Roland may be shocked to see me there, but I only need to talk to him for a few minutes,” she said, more to convince herself than Mary. “It’s just that this can’t wait.”
“Ya,”
Mary agreed. Then, impulsively, she hugged Johanna and kissed her cheek. “Be careful out on the roads among the English,” she cautioned. “I can’t have anything happen to my new sister-to-be.”
Johanna tied Mary’s bonnet over the white
Kapp
and hurried toward her buggy. She hoped Roland wouldn’t be angry to see her at his place of work, but if his first reaction was disapproval, maybe he’d change his mind once he heard what she had to say. And now that she’d made up her mind, she had to get it out or burst.
Mary waved as Johanna untied Blackie, got into the buggy and turned around in the yard. “Good luck!” Mary called.
“Thanks,” Johanna replied, heart racing. “I’ll need it.”
* * *
Roland, accompanied by John Hartman, approached one of the main paddocks at Windward Farms, where a trainer was working with a yearling colt. “That’s Sea You Later, out of Seaside Belle,” John said, pointing to the bay colt Rodney Dale was lunging. “You wouldn’t believe how much they paid for him.”
“You’re right,” Roland agreed with a grin. “I probably wouldn’t.”
He liked John, and he was glad he’d been there today to ease the awkwardness of meeting the trainer and grooms that he hadn’t had an opportunity to meet before. Usually, Roland was fine around the English, but horsemen could be difficult. He had to gain their respect by doing a good job with their animals. And some of the horses were worth more than he made in a year.
Still, horses were horses, and he knew horses. He’d learned his skills from an uncle, and he was still learning. John had been headed to Windward Farms to give some vaccinations, and he’d offered to give Roland a ride there, and promised to stop back later in the day to take him home.
John, a local veterinarian, was betrothed to Johanna’s half sister Grace, and if his own marriage went off with Johanna, as Roland hoped, he and John would be brothers-in-law. For all his education, John didn’t seem as English as the others did to Roland. Of course, John was Mennonite, and the Amish and the Mennonite shared history and beliefs. John might not have been born in Kent County, but he fit in well here, and was well liked by the Amish and English farmers and horsemen alike. Roland was pleased to count John as a friend, and John seemed to return the sentiment.
The trainer brought the young horse to a halt and waved Roland and John into the paddock. “I wanted you to check out his hooves,” Rodney said. “I think there’s a crack in—” He stopped and looked past the two men. “Don’t see that often around here.”
Roland turned to see Johanna in the Yoder buggy pull in front of the barn, and he walked quickly toward her. His first thought was that something had happened to J.J., and a band tightened around his chest. “Johanna?” he called. “Are the boys all right?” He went to her and placed a hand on the dashboard.
“Our boys are fine. With Mary,” Johanna insisted. “And Ruth was delivered of two healthy sons. She’s good, as well.”
Confusion made his voice sharper than he intended. “Then why—”
“I know this is not the place,” she said, glancing at the other men, then back at him. “But it is the time. And if I didn’t come now, I might not have had the courage to say this again. Please, Roland.” She clutched at his arm. “We need to talk. Privately.”
“All right.” He nodded and glanced back to where John and Rodney waited. “I’ll just be a minute,” he shouted to them.
John raised a hand in acknowledgment.
Roland cleared his throat. “Say what you’ve come to say, then, Johanna.” His first thought was
I’m going to lose her
. He wanted to cover his ears and shout, anything to block out the words that would mean it was over between them. “But you do know that I love you,” he managed. “That I’ve never stopped loving you.”
“Roland...” she began.
“Ne.”
He held up a hand. “It’s true, God help me. I married a good woman, respected her, cared for her, honored her. But secretly, in my heart, I’ve always held a place for you, Johanna.” He swallowed, trying to rid his mouth of the taste of ashes. “I promise you, if you’ll give me the chance, you’ll never find another man who will cherish and care for you and your children as I will.”