Joshua Healy (Mitchell Healy Book 10) (15 page)

“Thanks.”

My father scoots out his chair and stands. “I think I need a beer. You interested?”

I nod. “Yeah, sure.”

He kisses my mom on the cheek. “We’re going to the barn. You should join us. We’ll shoot pool and play some cards. I think our son could use the company tonight.”

“I’ll grab a jacket,” my mom replies.

When she’s gone my dad pulls me to the side. “Drink the pain away until it doesn’t hurt anymore. By the time Tamsyn gets back you’ll be glad you did.”

“Coming from someone with a history of drug dependency.”

“I was younger than you when that happened. I partied too hard, but once I met your mom it all changed. I don’t want that to happen to you. I’d rather you get drunk and pass out in the barn where I know you’re safe, then go out and get behind the wheel, or make bad choices because you’re head is screwed to shit.”

“I get it.”

“Good. First drink is on me.”

We both laugh.

The barn; where the beer is cold and the hard liquor stays stocked. Dad pours us his favorite mix of whiskey and coke, then sits a beer in front of me to chase it down, while my mom takes a fruity can of something out of the beverage cooler. I'm used to having dinners with the three of us since my sisters have all moved out. I think I get along with my parents more now than ever before. They adore Tamsyn. She’s invited to everything. I'm half surprised they haven't asked her to move in. I'm getting used to coming in after a hard days work and finding her helping out in the kitchen. She fits. It’s probably a good part of the reason I'm so crazy about her.

I don't waste time sipping the strong drink, but gulp it down and request another. I'm with my parents. They'll make sure I'm tucked in somewhere with a warm blanket to keep me toasty throughout the night.

I just hope my dad’s advice works, because if not, I’m afraid of what I might be capable of doing to my near perfect relationship with my girlfriend.

Chapter 18

Joshua

We finish off two bottles of bourbon and seven beers, and that’s not counting the ones my mom drank. I’m stumbling on my words, making it as far as the couch in the barn before crashing down upon it. The room is spinning, and I’m rambling on but no one is listening. My mom had to help my dad up to the house, and I assured her I would be fine staying the night on the couch. She’s left the television on. I can hear it playing, but I know if I open my eyes I might vomit. It’s best to just pass out and start over in the morning.

My last thoughts are of Tamsyn, and the way it feels to have her in my arms. She’s turned me into a pussy whipped bitch, and I don’t even care. I’m happy. I deserve this.

Things get foggy. I’m out one minute, but then hear someone saying my name the next. I attempt to open my eyes, but the light is too bright. I feel pressure. There’s a body on top of me. “Tamsyn,” I mumble.

“I’m not Tamsyn,” the voice responds clearly.

My eyes open and I’m pinned down by Liv. I’m trying to sit up, but laugh at myself when I’m unable to. “Let me go. It’s not funny. How did you get here? Mom said you’re not allowed near me.”

“Your mom isn’t here. It’s just us now, Josh. No more lies. I need you.”

“No,” I argue. “You have to go. Tamsyn loves me. I made a promise.” I realize I’m drunk, but doing my best to get my point across. “Get off me,” I slur.

“Make love to me, Josh. Please.” She takes my hand and forces it to touch her body. I look away, like if I’m not watching, it isn’t happening.

“I can’t.”

“Look at me.”

I’m fighting so hard. My heart knows what I want. It won’t fail me. It can’t.

“Please look at me, Josh. Look me in the eyes and tell me you don’t love me anymore.”

“Stop this. I’m not messing around.” It’s becoming harder to speak. “I love peaches and sweet tea. That’s all.”

She slaps me. “Be serious.”

“Fine. I used to love you, until you tore my heart out of my chest. You made me a monster. I hate you.”

She tries to kiss me and I turn my head. “Josh, I need you. Please don’t do this to me.” She’s crying. “I need you. I need you to come back to me. It’s always been you, baby. I’m sorry I hurt you. We can be good again. This time we won’t have to hide. We’ll make it official. Be with me, Joshua Healy. Come back to me.”

I can feel that I’m getting emotional. It’s the liquor. Normally I don’t let me feelings show. “Please don’t make me tell the truth.”

Then it’s done. She knows. A smile forms across her face. Her shirt comes off first before she leans forward and brushes her lips over mine. “Tell me the truth, and I’ll make it up to you for the rest of our lives.”

“I can only choose one of you,” I explain. “She won’t hurt me.”

“Forgive me.” She places my hands on her hips and begins rocking. “Love me, Josh. It’s always been us. Remember our first time? You told me if I slept with you that you’d promise to marry me one day. I’m holding you to that promise, baby. I’m coming home to make things right. All you have to do is let this happen. Stop fighting what we both want.”

“Please don’t make me do this. I’m weak when it comes to you, Liv. She’ll never forgive me if I fuck you.”

“You won’t need her now that I’m back.”

I’m still fighting it. “No. I do. I need her.”

“You need me.”

Liv stands. She grabs her shirt and starts running toward the barn door. I manage to sit up and look around the room. I feel like I’m dreaming, but I can’t be too sure. It’s the middle of the night, and I’ve been assured my parents wouldn’t let her near me. This can’t be real.

Just to make certain, I stumble out into the darkness and search for any signs of Liv. I follow the sounds of sobbing and find her sitting on the hard gravel out back of the barn. She sees me coming and covers her face. “Go away. You’ve said enough.”

“You did this, Liv. I waited for you. God damn it, I waited years. I sacrificed my own happiness because I swore you’d come back to me one day. You destroyed me. Go get married. Live your life. I’m done waiting for you.”

“But I’m here. Josh, I’m not getting married.”

“What?”

“You heard me. I’m moving back to North Carolina. It’s what you wanted.”

“You’re trying to trick me because I’ve been drinking.”

She stands and rushes toward me. My reaction time is off, so it’s hard to prepare for her to be up in my face. “I’m not trying to trick you.” She forces my hand into hers. “I’m real. It’s been months. I’ve missed you so much. I didn’t know what I lost until there was a chance I couldn’t get you back. Please don’t do this to us. Give me another chance.” She looks me dead in the eyes and says those words she’s never meant before. “I love you.”

I can’t stop myself. I know it’s wrong, and that it shouldn’t happen, but I’m helpless. She’s in my arms again. I’m pushing her up against the barn, lifting her while she’s reaching down and unfastening my belt. I’m angry. I loathe what I’m doing, but I have to fuck her.

She tugs my pants down with her feet, and I do the same with her bottoms. We’re kissing but it’s rough and messy, our teeth clanking together quite a few times at first. Then it’s happening. I enter her, thrusting harder each time. I’m releasing years of pent anxiety. All the heartache and the pain is being washed away with each second. She’s destroying everything I care about and I know it.

The damage is done. It’s too late to take it back. I’m banging Liv up against the old barn where we’ve spent plenty of nights together. I’m taking the woman I promised to love for the rest of my life, and I fucking hate myself because of it.

I wake up on the couch. I’m alone. It’s morning, and the sun is shining in through a window. When I hear the sound of the door I sit up and take in the surroundings. My dad walks up and hands me a cup of coffee. “I feel like shit. How about you?”

I’m confused. “I slept like shit. I had a dream I cheated on Tamsyn. No more bourbon before bed.” It’s not until I stand up that I realize something is off. My belt is missing.

Then my dad pulls something from his back pockets. “I found this outside. If you’re going to take a piss, don’t do it against the building. The sun starts beating down and then I’ve got to get the hose out to rid the smell.”

“Sorry,” I manage, all the while trying to think of any other way my belt could have ended up in the exact spot I dreamed of fucking Liv. “You seen my cell phone?”

“You had it at the table last night.”

When I check it’s still in the same area. My stomach is in knots as I try to recap what was real and what wasn’t. I’m freaking out, but I refuse to let my father know. He’d kick my ass for messing things up with Tamsyn. Before she comes home, I’m going to have to face Liv and figure out what the hell happened, if anything.

I ignore my morning call from Tamsyn because I’m too sick to speak to her. Instead I shoot her a message letting her know that I got drunk with my dad and I’m under the weather. Of course she messages me back wishing she was here to take care of me.

I’m the worst person on the face of the earth. The longer I’m awake, the harder it is to deny I slept with Liv. By noon I’m forced to call her to figure it out.

When she answers I cringe at the sound of her voice. “Josh. How are you feeling?”

She knows I was drunk. This is terrible. “What the fuck did you do to me?”

“I got the truth. Don’t be mad. We can talk about it later today.”

“The hell we will. Whatever you think happened between us, didn’t. Do you catch my drift? Are you hearing me clearly, Liv? It never happened. Furthermore, I want you to stay the hell away from me and Tamsyn.”

“But.”

“No. Shut the fuck up and listen for once. We are nothing. I have a girlfriend that I adore. Last night was a big fucking mistake. I won’t let you take her from me. Please, if you ever gave a shit about me, you’ll let me be happy.”

She’s crying again, and I don’t even care anymore. “Josh. You can’t ask me to do that.”

“I’m not asking. I’m telling you. I’ll deny it. I’ll lie until I’m blue in the face. Nothing happened between us. We’re over. I don’t love you. Anything I felt for you ended last night when you took advantage of me. You manipulated me while I was intoxicated. What kind of sick and pathetic person does that?”

“You’re being an asshole. Maybe you need some time to rethink this.”

“I don’t need time. Pack your shit and go back to New York. There’s nothing left here for you.”

“You won’t be with her forever, Josh. It’s a fling. You’ll see.”

“Fuck off,” I say as I close out the call. I’m a nervous wreck, hoping and praying she doesn’t use last night as an excuse to call my girlfriend.

Each day that passes gets a little easier, but no better. I’m lying. I’ve cheated. I had unprotected sex with Liv while my girlfriend was out of the country. I’m a sick bastard who doesn’t deserve the love of a good, decent woman like Tamsyn, but I care too much to let her go, or to hurt her because of my stupid actions. Either way I’m screwed. I have to look at myself in the mirror and know what I did to her. I have to accept that I’ll always have a secret she can’t ever know. It breaks my heart.

I don’t hear from Liv again. Tamsyn comes home and I’m at the airport to pick her up. The moment I see her I have to fight back my emotions. My love for her is real. It’s crippling. I need this beautiful woman to love me back, but I know I carry a burden that could destroy everything we’ve worked to build. In one more week we’ll have been an official couple for two months. In that time she’s shown me more about relationships than I ever knew was possible.

She kisses me the way romance movies end. I’m holding her close, taking in the way she smells, and how her body fits perfectly in my arms. “God I missed you,” I say against her lips.

“I missed you too.”

She’s here in the flesh and I owe her something I promised. “I love you.”

Her smile is electrifying. Happiness radiates off of her. “A man of his word. I’m impressed.”

It’s a kick to the gut. I want to come clean, but now isn’t the time. I think about it and decide that waiting is the key. If we can manage to stay together for the rest of the year without conflict, I’ll come clean after the holidays. Time will have passed, and maybe she’ll be able to overlook it since we were just starting off.