Joshua Healy (Mitchell Healy Book 10) (21 page)

Chapter 28

Joshua

It’s been three weeks since she’s taken my calls. After the conversation where she told me we were through, I’ve been climbing the walls, desperately trying to reach her.

I had to go to Liv for answers. She told me Tamsyn pushed her around and threatened to hurt her and the baby. She said Tamsyn told her she didn’t want anything to do with me. Although I doubt she’s telling the truth, I can’t get in touch with Tamsyn to ask her about it.

I’m going through hell. It hurts every bit as much as it did the day I lost her.

I’ve tried to go to the dealership, but her father asked me to leave his daughter alone. I went to the campus and she wouldn’t answer the door. I’ve emailed, and even posted to her social media accounts, but gotten no response.

It’s finally time to go to the doctors. Not only will we know if Liv is pregnant, but we’ll also be able to tell around when she conceived. There could be a chance this kid isn’t mine, and I’m praying on it.

My parents have been trying to help me, but it’s impossible. Wes won’t speak to me. My sister barely looks at me when she visits. She’s in the middle of everything, so of course she’s going to take Wes’ side, because I lied to her too.

Liv is looking for a place closer to the ranch to rent, but she’s been staying at her grandfather’s massive residence nearby. We’ve spoken a few times, all of which she’s asked if we could try to start over.

It’s not what I want.

I haven’t seen her for a while, so meeting her at the doctor’s office seemed like a better plan than driving together. My hopes are that the baby won’t be mine, and I can avoid an awkward drive back to the ranch.

Liv may think this baby is going to bring us together, but all I have is animosity when it comes to her. Love didn’t give us a baby. If it is my kid, the innocent fetus was made out of spite and jealousy. Anything I ever felt for Liv is gone because of that. She’s cost me too much.

Liv tries to talk to me when we’re in the room waiting on the ultrasound technician. “You haven’t said two words to me since we got here, Josh.”

“I’ve got nothing to say. I’m here. Quit your bitching.”

“You could at least be supportive. It’s not like we’re strangers. We need to get past all the anger and realize we’re having a baby. Whatever made it happen doesn’t matter. There’s a part of you growing inside of me now. If I can wrap my head around it, then you should too. I know it’s a lot, but we have to make the best of it.”

The doctor comes in followed by the tech. They put something clear on her belly and bring the wand to glide over the area. She’s still very skinny, so I don’t feel like I’m sitting in the room with someone I should have more respect for. I need to see something to believe it’s true.

Then it happens. I see the head on the screen. It’s just a little peanut, so the doctor points and explains what’s what. She turns up the volume and we get to hear a faint heartbeat. She throws a few dates out, saying that according to the size of the fetus, she should have conceived then, and that’s when I know without a doubt that the child is most likely mine.

Liv is crying as she watches the screen. Before I can withdraw, she captures my hand and holds it as we both stare at the tiny person growing inside of her. Nothing is ever going to be the same. Tamsyn will never come back to me. I’m going to be a father, and I know I have to make the best of the situation, because like they both tried to tell me, I’ve had unresolved feelings for Liv I’ve never been able to understand. I have to stop running, because if I don’t, I’ll never have happiness in my life.

I don’t hug her when we part ways in the parking lot, nor do I make plans to see her. Something holds me back from being able to look at her the same way I used to. Where I figured this might help us find common ground, has only left a bigger hole in my heart.

I take the sonogram photograph home for my parents to see. I can tell they’re still on the fence about being excited that Liv is having their grandchild. My mom misses Tamsyn being around the house. She’s constantly asking if I’ve heard from her. They don’t ever speak of Liv, or ask her over for a meal. Wes and Cammie haven’t come to dinner in weeks, and with Christmas on the horizon I’m wondering if it’s best if I pack up my things and head to Kentucky, where I know not a single person will be since they’re all planning on celebrating at our place this year.

For the most part, I’ve been keeping busy during the day, and sleeping a lot at night. I haven’t been able to touch my video game system because it reminds me too much of Tamsyn. I’ve thought about seeing if she’s online, but at this point I have to throw in the towel. If she wanted to speak to me she’d return my phone calls.

I do a little Christmas shopping that following weekend. I’m not sure why I stop, but I find myself at a jewelry store, staring down at engagement rings. I would have liked to put one of them on Tamsyn’s finger if we’d been together longer. It’s the constant reminders that drive me nuts.

When I leave the mall I’ve found myself in the possession of a present for Tamsyn, but in order to get her attention I’m going to have to do something drastic. I head home and change into a slim fitted black suit and tie, style my hair, and put on her favorite cologne. Then I hop back in my truck and drive straight to the dealership hoping she’s there.

When I pull in I’m fully aware she’ll recognize the truck. A salesman comes outside to stalk me for a sale, but I tell him I already have a person I’m working with. A half hour later he comes out again, and I patiently tell him I’m waiting for Tamsyn to assist me. Standing in front of the newest Shelby Mustang they’ve got in, I’m determined to see her again, even if it’s as she’s heading to her car when the place closes.

Finally, nearly an hour after waiting, I see a female coming out of the building, except she’s not the Tamsyn I would normally recognize. Her once platinum hair is a natural shade of honey brown. It’s long and straightened, and as she gets closer I notice her makeup is way lighter than she usually puts it on. She’s stunning. I can’t take my eyes off of her. “You look amazing.”

“What are you doing here, Josh? You’re embarrassing me. Why are you dressed like that?”

“I’m here to trade in my truck and wanted to be professional.”

“What? You love that truck.”

“I need a change.”

“And you want to buy this, I assume?” She points to the Mustang.

I nod. “Well, duh.”

“Josh, it’s terrible for a baby seat.”

“I was hoping that if I buy the Mustang I’d have a reason to see you.”

“So you’re going to buy a car from me so I have to see you? Are you crazy? Why are you really wearing a suit? Did someone die?”

“I am when it comes to loving you.” I pull a wrapped tiny box from the pocket of my dress pants. It took me forever to make the selection, but I know she’ll love it. The most important part is the note that I’ve included.

She sees the size and backs away. “No. You can’t buy me gifts in boxes like that one.”

“I can do what I please. It’s Christmas.”

“Go home, Josh.”

She’s walking away. “What made you change your hair, Tamsyn?”

When she turns to face me again she’s got tears in her eyes. “Someone I loved told me every day that I didn’t need the hair and makeup to be beautiful, so I took his advice.”

“Loved, as in past tense?”

“Don’t do this to me. I’ve been doing better. You can’t come here and mess up my progress.”

“God, I miss you.” I have to ignore her wishes. It’s been too damn long.
“Seriously, Josh. It’s Christmas time. It’s hard enough being alone for the holidays. I can’t have you making me depressed.”

I push the small box toward her. “Open it.”

I can tell she’s reluctant. “I don’t want to.”

“Why?”

“Because I know it came from your heart.”

“So what if it did?”

She shoves it back at me. “I can’t accept it.”

“Come out with me after work.”

“No!”

I chuckle. “I recall going through this once before. I got my way in the end.”

“I’m seeing someone,” she announces.

It’s like a kick to my gut. I don’t know why I thought she’d still be hung up on me. Maybe when the excitement wore off I wasn’t everything she once assumed. Maybe I hurt her so badly she couldn’t get past the betrayal. My gift isn’t going to bring her back to me, that’s for sure. “Does he treat you right?” I hate asking.

“Yeah. It’s new, so I don’t know where it’s going, but I’m having fun.”

I nod and try to put on a brave face. “I guess that explains why we can’t go out.”

“I’m sorry. I’m sure it’s hard to hear.”

“Yeah, it is.” I’m still fighting to retain my fake smile. “I reckon I better get going then.”

“Josh,” I hear her say. “Is the baby yours?”

Our eyes meet, and I can’t deny there’s still fire between us. “Yeah. Pretty sure.”

“Okay. I think I needed to hear it from your lips.”

“Take care of yourself,” I manage to get out before starting to leave. Then I turn back around and say her name. “Tamsyn, wait.”

“What?”

I toss the box in her direction, where she’s forced to catch it. “I bought this for you. There’s a note inside. Read it first. I don’t want the gift back. It’s yours. Don’t ever forget what we had. Merry Christmas, darlin’.”

It’s after ten. I’m sitting in my truck listening to carols while smoking a dime of marijuana I picked up on my way home, while drinking a fifth of whiskey. I need to get plastered, and I don’t feel like doing it around my happy family.

Since I’m parked at the ranch, I know I’m not in any imminent danger. This is what my life has amounted to. I’m fucking up. I don’t care anymore. Sometimes I wish I never loved her in the first place, because it would be easier than constantly wishing I could turn back the clock and do things differently.

A knock on my window gets my attention. I’m stoned out of my mind, but sure it’s Liv. She’s been texting me for hours, ever since I sent her a message about destroying my future. I catch a glimpse of her before speaking. “What the fuck do you want?”

“You’ve got to be kidding me, Josh. I thought you were over this. Smoking pot and drinking? You’re going to be a father. It’s time to get over yourself and grow up, and why in the hell are you wearing dress clothes?”

I jump from the vehicle and get in her face. “First, it’s none of your business what I wear. Don’t get on me about responsibilities. When the time comes I’ll be a damn good father. My child will have everything he or she needs, except two parents that love each other.” Her eyes are wide and fearful. “That’s right, Liv. I said it. I don’t fucking love you. Want to know how I’m sure this time?”

She nods, but refuses to speak.

“I know because love is relentless. It comes in fast, but cripples you when it ends. It’s beautiful and understanding. Love isn’t forced. You can’t make it happen. It’s not planned. It’s not just a set of words. It’s feeling overwhelmed by that person. It’s not desperate. It’s patient. It’s a slow fire that keeps burning. It doesn’t stop when we want it to. It’s not a switch. I know I don’t love you anymore. I hate everything about you. I feel sorry for our child for having to grow up with you as a mother, because you don’t know the first thing about love. If you’re smart you’ll give that baby up for adoption and let someone else raise it. Give the kid a chance at normalcy.”

“Wow.” Her tear-filled eyes show me she still has feelings, though I think at this point she’s more embarrassed. “I didn’t come here for this.”

“Too fucking bad. It’s all I’ve got to offer anymore.”

“You’d rather me put our child up for adoption then us to raise it?”

“Yep.” I realize the alcohol is talking, but I’m done with the bullshit. I’d rather be alone than feel hopeless and lost. I don’t want to be obligated to this person for the rest of my life.

“Your parents would never forgive you.”

“I don’t give a shit. I’m a grown man, and it’s my decision.”

“I came here to tell you I got an offer to work in Paris. After your message, I knew we needed to talk face to face. I wanted you to think about coming with me. I figured it would be a good place for us to work things out and be a real couple before the baby comes. I guess I already know the answer.”