Judith Miller - [Daughters of Amana 01] (31 page)

“Wilhelm is right. I’m not accustomed to so much activity. I’d much prefer to remain at home this evening. I’ll need to rest myself for tomorrow.” I wasn’t physically tired; I was accustomed to hard work. But the nagging fear and anxiety accompanied me like a heavy weight and exhausted me. And I, too, wished my first meeting with Louisa wouldn’t be followed by a dinner party. Secretly I wondered if Wilhelm had planned it that way. Perhaps he thought the pending arrival of dinner guests would curtail any emotional outbursts when Louisa and I finally met.

After another day of shopping, visiting a museum, and walking through an enormous library filled with so many books I couldn’t begin to count them, we returned home to prepare for dinner. I’d seen so many things in the past two days, I didn’t know how I would remember it all. Last night I had written notes to help me recall. Berta would want a full report. And I hoped Mother would be curious for details, as well.

Though I would have foregone all of the day’s events for an earlier meeting with Louisa, Wilhelm had been clear. He wanted to be present when Louisa and I met for the first time. I climbed the steps to my room, my heartbeat picking up speed as the time of our meeting approached. Waves of nausea attacked as I slipped into my clean frock. The same style as the one I’d worn earlier in the day, but this one was dark blue with a smattering of white dots.

After combing my hair and fashioning it into a loose knot that rested at my neckline, I tucked my dark blue shawl into the band of my skirt and settled my cap on the back of my head. For a brief moment I considered yanking back the bedcovers and hiding beneath them. I chided myself for the silly thought and padded across the carpet.

My apprehension remained unchecked as I continued downstairs. How would I act? What would I say? Did Louisa harbor ill feelings toward Mother and Father? How would her husband act toward me? And would I be able to withhold my anger? Both Larissa and Wilhelm had done their best to set my mind at ease, but I was stepping into uncharted waters, and even they couldn’t be certain what would occur.

“You’re positively pale,” Larissa said when I met her in the parlor.

“I’m worried this won’t go well.”

“It will be fine,” Larissa said as she pinched my cheeks. “You need some color.” She appraised my dark calico. “I do wish you would have permitted me to purchase a new dress for you—or that you’d consider wearing one of mine. We’re the same size, and I’m certain I can find a dress in my wardrobe that’s a color you wouldn’t find objectionable.”

“I don’t find any of your dresses objectionable, Larissa, but I’ve already told you that I would be uncomfortable wearing anything other than my own clothing.” Our gazes met in the beveled mirror that hung above the mantel, and I grinned. “And I promise I won’t ask you to wear any of my dresses the next time you visit Amana.”

Larissa touched a finger to her head. “Must you wear the cap?”

She sounded apologetic rather than aloof, and I silently guessed her concern was to protect me. Probably she feared the possible stares and whispers of the additional guests she’d invited to join us later in the evening would create an air of discomfort for me. “I don’t suppose that I have to, but I would feel strange not wearing it. Do you mind too much?”

Larissa stepped forward and hugged me. “No, of course not. You look perfect.”

I knew that wasn’t true, but I didn’t argue. I could hear guests arriving in the front foyer. “Do you think that’s Tante Louisa?”

She nodded. “Yes. And her husband, Bertrand. Everyone calls him Bernie. The other guests aren’t due to arrive until seven thirty.”

“I believe I’ll call him Mr. Williams until we’re better acquainted.” I thought it odd that Wilhelm and Larissa didn’t refer to the man as
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Bernie, but I didn’t inquire. At the moment my concerns ran much deeper. “Do you think he will join Tante Louisa and me while we become acquainted?”

“I’m certain he’ll give the two of you privacy. I imagine he and Wilhelm will retire to the library and enjoy a cigar while they chat about the wonders of Chicago.”

Her answer dispelled a portion of my concern, but not all. I stepped near the entrance to the parlor and peeked into the foyer. The woman didn’t appear near old enough to be my mother. “She’s beautiful,” I whispered.

“You’re quite pretty, as well, Johanna. It’s the clothing. If you’d wear styles that fit your figure in shades that lend color to your complexion and permit my maid to fashion your hair, you’d put the rest of us to shame.”

I shook my head. Larissa and her guests would have to settle for my simple clothes and plain hairstyle, for I wasn’t eager for her suggested transformation. Larissa tugged me forward, and the couple turned in our direction as Wilhelm bounded down the stairs. A smile transformed Louisa’s stately countenance, and she gestured for us to hurry.

Before Wilhelm could introduce us, Louisa pulled me into a warm embrace. “It is wonderful to finally meet you, Johanna. I am your Tante Louisa.” Holding my upper arms, she leaned back a few inches and stared into my eyes. “I would know you anywhere. You have my hair and eyes.”

While it was true we both possessed blue eyes, hers were as dark as indigo, while mine were as pale as a summer sky. And her hair was far lighter than my own. Mine had been as white as corn silk during my childhood, but the flaxen color had given way to streaks of light brown and little of the blond remained.

Once again she wrapped her arms around me. “I’m so glad you finally know the truth.”

I took a backward step. “I suppose time will tell if it was a good decision. It has proved quite difficult for Mutter and Vater, not to mention my own feelings.”

She winced at my words but forced a smile as I looked up at her husband. He was quite tall, with strands of gray interspersed in his thick dark hair. He was quite dignified appearing, and I guessed him to be considerably older than Louisa. Then again, I wasn’t particularly good at estimating age. Perhaps it was the gray hair that created the illusion of age.

Louisa touched her husband’s arm. “I’d like you to meet my husband, Bertrand.”

He flashed a bright smile. “I’m pleased to meet you, Johanna.”

“My pleasure, Mr. Williams.”

“No, no,” he said, shaking his head. “Please don’t address me as Mr. Williams. I feel far too ancient as it is. Everyone calls me Bernie. You must do the same.”

“I couldn’t, Mr. Williams.”

“Then how about Uncle Bernie. Is that better?” He chuckled and handed his hat to the maid.

Neither Bernie nor Uncle Bernie would be easy for me, but everyone remained silent as if awaiting my response. “Yes. That will do.” I could only hope I wouldn’t have to address him by name, for I’d surely stumble.

“I’ll leave you ladies to your visiting and join Wilhelm in the library. Louisa tells me Larissa has planned some time for the two of you to visit by yourselves.” He patted Louisa’s hand. “I look forward to rejoining you ladies at supper.”

As he strode down the hall, Larissa waved us toward the sitting room. “You two go in and become acquainted. I’m going to see about the meal preparations. The other guests won’t arrive until seven thirty, so you have more than two hours.”

Once we’d entered the sitting room, Larissa closed the pocket doors. I could hear the click of her shoes on the tile floor as Louisa and I sat down opposite each other. “I know this is difficult, Johanna. Wilhelm tells me he has explained the agreement I made with Emilie and Frank. I hope you understand it was a very difficult decision for me. I wanted to be certain you’d have a good home with parents who would love you.” She leaned forward, and I could see the beseeching look in her eyes, begging me to believe.

“I don’t doubt it was hard, but what I don’t understand is why the three of you decided I shouldn’t be told. How unfair it was that I should hear such news from Wilhelm’s wife. Larissa knew about my birth, but I didn’t.” My voice escalated, and I caught my lower lip between my teeth to hold my anger in check.

She held up her hand. “I understand what you’re saying, and you’re correct. It was grossly unfair. Nobody ever intended for you to find out this way.”

I gripped the arms of the chair. “Nobody ever intended I find out at all. That’s the truth, isn’t it? You all planned to keep your secret hidden. After all, why should I, of all people, know anything about this?” She reached to touch my hand, but I yanked away.

None of them grasped the depth of my pain.

“I’m sure you feel as though your entire world has crumbled and your life has been sustained by nothing more than a pack of lies.” She folded her hands in her lap. “I thought having this extra time before we met would give you an opportunity to consider our decisions and accept that they were made out of love and concern rather than with any intent to hurt you. Our hope was to give you the best life possible. You have been dearly loved by Emilie and Frank. And I’ve held you in my heart for all these years, too.”

Words, nothing but words. It was easy for her to sit there and say she’d held me in her heart while she went on about her life as though I didn’t exist. “That may be true, but even if my parents objected, you should have come to visit. You’re family. No one would have suspected anything if you’d come to see us, least of all me.”

She leaned back in the chair. “Your father and mother refused my request to visit, and I had given them my word, Johanna. If I broke my word to your parents, could I expect them to keep theirs?

They feared I would return when I was financially able to care for you and that I’d take you away from them. To be honest, the thought crossed my mind on several occasions, but they had come to my aid when I was in need—when both of us were in need. It would have been the wrong thing to do.”

I could agree that she shouldn’t break her word, but it didn’t change the pain in my heart. I should have been told. “You may be correct, but they could have at least told me.”

“I did tell them I wouldn’t object if they one day decided to tell you the truth, but I knew they wouldn’t. As time passes, telling family secrets becomes more and more difficult.” Tears rimmed her eyes. “There would have been no right time to tell you, Johanna. At a young age you wouldn’t have comprehended the situation, and as you became older, your resentment and anger would be exactly what it is at this moment. I know what you feel. It’s called betrayal—I’ve experienced it myself.”

I tightened my jaw. She had no idea how I felt. “How were you betrayed? Your mother didn’t abandon you.”

She flinched. “No, I wasn’t abandoned as an infant, but I was abandoned by your birth father. He said he loved me and wanted to marry me, but the moment he discovered I was going to have a baby, he fled in the dark of the night. I’ve never seen or heard from him since.” She bowed her head. A single teardrop escaped her eye and left a dark circle on the skirt of her yellow silk dress. She continued to stare at her clasped hands. “I’ve never felt as alone in my life as that day when I left Amana and went to live in Iowa City. I thought I would die.” She lifted her head. “As you can see, I didn’t die. But the scars remain.”

“It seems you moved on and have recovered quite well.” Pain shone in her eyes, and my conscience screamed to forgive, but I ignored the silent advice. I wanted to hurt her as deeply as I’d been hurt.

“You’re right. In time I did move on. Bernie and I married a number of years later, after I had moved to Chicago. We met while I was working in a dress shop his mother frequented. For some reason she took a liking to me and introduced us. You’ve probably guessed that he is somewhat older than I, but we have been very happy.” Her brows pulled into a sad frown. “Except that we had desperately hoped to have children, and that never happened.”

“What did he think when you told him about me?” I waited for her to say that she hadn’t told him until after they were married.

With a wistful smile she touched the rings on her left hand. “Bernie invited me to attend an afternoon concert. Afterward, as we walked through the park, I told him about you. I never hid your existence from him. It didn’t change his feelings for me. Later, when he asked me to marry him, he wanted to bring you to Chicago to live with us. I explained his suggestion was impossible.”

I couldn’t imagine having grown up living in such surroundings, and having Louisa and Mr. Williams as my parents. The thought gave me pause. To leave Amana as a young child and move to Chicago would have terrified me. Perhaps the decision they’d made hadn’t been so terrible.

“I can’t change the past, Johanna.” She edged forward on her chair and met my gaze. “I can tell you of my grief, but that’s the most I can do. My scars are not visible for you to see. I had choices to make for your future and for my own, and I made them. Now you are a woman, and you have choices to make. You can remain angry and bitter, or you can accept that the decisions we made were the best we could do at the time. Ultimately, the choice is yours.”

Louisa was right. Only I could decide how I would live the rest of my life. Over the past days, I had developed a deep yearning that couldn’t be satiated. Nothing had filled the aching hollow beneath my heart. And I realized nothing would until I put aside my bitterness and anger. In time, and with God’s help, forgiveness and love could fill the void, yet I didn’t know how we would all begin.