She did not expect to find him at the river but it was where the invisible route traced by the red box was taking her. She had not gone often to the river except on very private errands, and then not to the place where the children swam, where it was forded. Even here, when there was nobody, there was little sign that there was ever anybody. The people had nothing superfluous with which to litter; the shallows sank into the depressions made in mud by their feet and mingled them with the kneading of cattle hooves. Muslin scraps of butterflies settled on turds. She could name the variety of thorn-tree—
Dichrostachys cinserea, sekelbos
—with its yellow tassels dangling from downy pink and mauve pompoms, both colours appearing on the same branch. Roberts’ bird book and standard works on indigenous trees and shrubs were the Smales’ accommodation of the wilderness to themselves when they used to visit places like this, camping out. At the end of the holiday you packed up and went back to town.
There was the stillness of unregarded trees and ceaseless water. On the huge pale trunks wild figs bristled like bunches of hat-pins. The earth was sour with fallen fruit; between the giant trees a tan fly-catcher swooped, landing to hover on the invisible branches of a great tree of air. Again, she had the feeling of not being there, that she had had while the man with the red box was climbing into her vision. The slight rise and fall of her breathing produced no ripple of her counter-existence in the heavy peace. The systole and diastole needed only to cease, and she would be ingested, disappeared in this state of being that needed no witnesses. She was unrecorded in any taxonomy but that of Maureen Hetherington on her points to applause in the Mine Recreation Hall.
She withdraw, every twig a trap sprung by her weight. She took the old way to him, joining the single-file path he and Daniel had made, tending the vehicle, from the village. Their club, their retreat, meeting-place … She and Bam had talked of converting the garage into a room where July could sit with his friends, putting an old sofa there, but both knew that since he would be the only servant in the suburb with such a privilege, there would be too many friends in and out the backyard, too much noise.
She found him there sitting on one of their homemade stools at the left side of the vehicle—probably because of the shade it had cast; the sun was low enough now for that to be unnecessary. Neither cleaning nor repairing the vehicle; but the
gumba-gumba
and the beer were not for him despite his show of participation. He was writing with an old short lead pencil in a note-book, calculating something as he used to keep his gambling accounts. The note-book was one of the desk-top promotions sent by building-supply firms to architects each Christmas. It was stained with red earth and the corners had curled with handling. He saw she recognized it. It seemed they were about to exchange some reminiscence.
—You’ve got to get that gun back.—
He screwed up his face irritably, jerked his chest: what was this?
—The gun’s gone. It was kept in the roof.—
She saw that he had not known. But he was not surprised. He sucked at his cheeks and closed the note-book with the pencil between the pages. —When someone’s take it?—
—I don’t know when. It wasn’t there any more when we came back from going to see them put up that thing for the music.—
He accused her. —How someone’s can take it?—
She flung back at him his uprightness, his moralizing—whatever the rigmarole of form he had always insisted on establishing between them. —Why not, July? Why not? Just walk into the hut when we’re not there and take it. Steal it.—
—Now-now?—
—Bam discovered it now. But it might not have been this afternoon. It could have been any time.—
—When he’s see it last time?—
—Doesn’t seem to know himself. But it was still there when we came back from the chief’s. We talked about it. I saw it.—
—You sure the gun it’s there before this afternoon? Because everybody he’s there at the music. You see everybody was there, hey? Nobody can come to the house that time.—
—How do I know if it was still there then? I told you. I know everyone was at the music.—
—Night-time.—He let the two of them visualize it. —Night-time, you all sleeping, you all in the house. Who can come.—
—It’s not Victor.—July knew that possibility as well as anyone. —You can forget about Victor.—
—No, no, Victor he’s so nice. Naughty boy sometime but so nice. And if he’s take, he’s show his friend, he’s put back, isn’t it. Not Victor. Well, everybody here so nice at the music today, everybody know that gun it’s your gun—
—Where’s Daniel?—
She was distracted by something misplaced. What would appear for her from beneath the vehicle, from the ruined huts, so often a silent presence while not yet noticed: now he surely would come forward to July’s call with his young man’s easy stroll.
—Daniel
wasn’t there—Her voice alight; at the same time, some kind of fear and amazement came like a sack thrown dark over her head. —Where’s Daniel?—
—Daniel he’s not come any more.—A hand lifted, at large a moment, slid under the neck of the shirt. The gauze round of moon had become opaque and polished with the light of the vanished sun; it began gently to reflect, a mirror being adjusted. The shadow of the vehicle fell upon them and reached out in its blown-up detail, roof-rack and spare tyre, over the bright, watery lacings of sunset in grass and bushes. —One, two day now he’s going.—
—But you know where he is. He told you where he was going?—
He spoke of these young ones. —They not asking anyone, anyone. Not even the father.—
—But he told you, he discussed it with you, he must have talked to you. You and he are together all the time.
You
were like his father, weren’t you. You can’t say to me he didn’t tell you?—Two gnats she had swatted against her face stuck drowned in sweat on her cheek.
—Don’t tell me what Daniel he tell me. Me, I know if he’s say or he’s not say nothing. Is not my business, isn’t it?—
She sat down on the mud wall that was warmed to life all through the heat of the day and whose colour had risen, amber, blood-purple out of terra-cotta in the thick layer of last light suspended at a man’s height across the earth.
—You’ve got to get it back.—She knew those widened nostrils. Go, he willed, go up the hill to the hut; as he would to his wife.
He could smell her cold cat-smell she had when she sweated. The only way to get away from her was to walk off and leave her, give up to her this place that was his own, the place he had found to hide the yellow bakkie and keep it safe.
He stuffed the note-book into his shirt-pocket torn and neatly sewn back with unmatched thread by Ellen. —How I must get that gun? Where I’m going find it? You know where is it?
You
know? Then if you know why you yourself, your husband, you don’t fetch it?—
—The gun’s gone, Daniel’s gone. He handled it, he was allowed to fire a shot with it … Bam’s nonsense. He was at the chief’s listening to all that talk about guns. He fancied it for himself. Didn’t he? Thinks he’ll kill some meat. Or he’s got a customer for it.—Her lids blinked sharply at him. —Perhaps the chief. You must know where to look for him, he’s with you (a gesture towards the bakkie) every day.—
He was feeling up round his neck and over his chest under the shirt while she talked at him. The hand came out swiftly and stiff fingers tapped at the centre of his being, there on the plate with its little shining black cups of hollow where the breast-muscles joined the bone. —Me? I must know who is stealing your things? Same like always. You make too much trouble for me. Here in my home too. Daniel, the chief, my-mother-my-wife with the house. Trouble, trouble from you. I don’t want it any more. You see?—His hands flung out away from himself.
—You’ve got to get it back.—
—No no. No no.—Hysterically smiling, repeating. —I don’t know Daniel he’s stealing your gun. How I’m know? You, you say you know, but me I’m not see any gun, I’m not see Daniel, Daniel he’s go—well what I can do—
She was stampeded by a wild rush of need to destroy everything between them, she wanted to erase it beneath her heels as snails broke and slithered like the shell and slime of rotten eggs under her foot in the suburban garden. —You stole small things. Why? I wouldn’t tell you then but I tell you now. My scissors like a bird, my old mother’s knife-grinder.—
—Always you give me those thing!—
—Oh no, I gave you … but not those.—
—I don’t want your rubbish.—
—Why did you take rubbish? … I said nothing because I was ashamed to think you would do it.—
—You—He spread his knees and put an open hand on each. Suddenly he began to talk at her in his own language, his face flickering powerfully. The heavy cadences surrounded her; the earth was fading and a thin, far radiance from the moon was faintly pinkening parachute-silk hazes stretched over the sky. She understood although she knew no word. Understood everything: what he had had to be, how she had covered up to herself for him, in order for him to be her idea of him. But for himself—to be intelligent, honest, dignified for
her
was nothing; his measure as a man was taken elsewhere and by others. She was not his mother, his wife, his sister, his friend, his people. He spoke in English what belonged in English: —Daniel he’s go with those ones like in town. He’s join.—The verb, unqualified, did for every kind of commitment: to a burial society, a hire purchase agreement, their thumbprints put to a labour contract for the mines or sugar plantations —I don’t know—maybe he’s need the gun for that.—He leaned back, done with her.
—I know.—Daniel’s raised first in greeting had seemed a matter of being fashionable, for the young milkman returned to his backward village from town, just as dropping to the knees before the chief was surely no more than a rural convention for him and July. —I know.—‘Cubas’: it was he who had supplied the identification when the chief could not name the foreigners he feared. —So he’s gone to fight. Little bastard. He only took what he had a right to.—
July might not have understood the claim granted, or was not going to be obliged to speak. His familiar head, newly shaved by a villager who barbered under a tree, his broad soft mouth under the moustache, his eyes white against the dark of the face blurred by the dimness, now, of all things at the earth’s level under the high light of the sky, faced her. Together in this place of ruin that was the habitation of no living being, only a piece of machinery, their words sank into the broken clay walls like spilt blood. Would be buried here. The skin of her body was creeping with an ecstatic fever of relief, splendid and despicable to her. She told him the truth, which is always disloyal. —You’ll profit by the others’ fighting. Steal a bakkie. You want that, now. You don’t know what might have happened to Ellen. She washed your clothes and slept with you. You want the bakkie, to drive around in like a gangster, imagining yourself a
big man
, important, until you don’t have any money for petrol, there isn’t any petrol to buy, and it’ll lie there, July, under the trees, in this place among the old huts, and it’ll fall to pieces while the children play in it. Useless. Another wreck like all the others. Another bit of rubbish.—
The incredible tenderness of the evening surrounded them as if mistaking them for lovers. She lurched over and posed herself, a grotesque, against the vehicle’s hood, her shrunken jeans poked at the knees, sweat-coarsened forehead touched by the moonlight, neglected hair standing out wispy and rough. The death’s harpy image she made of herself meant nothing to him, who had never been to a motor show complete with provocative girls. She laughed and slapped the mudguard vulgarly, as he had done to frighten a beast out of the way. The sharp sound flew back to them from the settlement. A little homely fire, the first of those for the evening meal, began to show over there as a match flame grows cupped in a palm.
Bam was giving the children food. He dug off lumps of mealie-meal he had cooked and they took it with their fingers. They were chattering and said nothing to her when she appeared, as if they thought she had been there all the time. He did not ask her where she had been; he ate with the children, using the tin spoon to which tatters of
pap
clung. She ate nothing and went into the dark hut, finding the water-bottle by feel. In there she drank the whole bottle in a series of sucking gulps broken by long pauses, like an alcoholic who hides away to indulge secret addiction. And like the family of the addict that does not know how to deal with her, they pretended not to know, or did not know.
The
gumba-gumba
had started up again with one of the same four or five records.
Baby, baby come duze—duze—duze
in close harmony, broken by the jet of a high-voiced refrain playing above it, went out into the bush over the huts and under the haze. There were no stars.
Baby, baby, du-ze, du-ze
… If there were a roving band of freedom fighters out there, they would be able to hear it, far away, the old music of Soweto, Daveyton, Tembisa, Marabastad, the town places they had burst and spread from.
When he saw her getting into what was her bed, he made the approach of remarking that her feet were awfully dirty. She got up and from July’s oil-drum kept full of river water washed them with soap supplied by July. She spoke from beyond the light of the paraffin lamp. —Was it like this for him?—It was never necessary to say ‘July’; he was there in their minds, there was no one else.
She was understood: but that would be too easy an equation. A hand scratched the back fringe of blond hair, felt carefully where there was none.
She matched the remembered total dependency with this one. —Used to come to ask for everything. An aspirin. Can I use the telephone. Nothing in that house was his.—
—Well … he wasn’t kept short of anything. Anything we had to give.—
—I wonder what would have become of him.—
The paraffin lamp was still burning but the blue eyes were closed. —Would have got old with us and been pensioned off.—