Just a Fan (3 page)

A question surfaced in my head, one that I had often wanted to know.

'Doesn't it ever get a bit...scary? I mean, having so many fans?' I asked him quietly.

He raised his chin then gave a low laugh. 'I suppose it is a bit freaky sometimes, when I really think about it,' he replied honestly. 'I mean, the thought that thousands of people know so much about you when you've never even met any of them in your entire life can get a little weird. But it's OK really...it has its good points.' He gave a little half-smile, still gazing away into middle-distance. 'You know, I've never really told anyone that before.'

I felt extremely touched by this. He had just revealed his own personal thoughts to me...I felt rather moved.

'Oh...' I responded, in quiet surprise. Then he turned to me with a familiar, cheeky smile on his face.

'Are
you
a fan, Miss Harwick?' he asked me teasingly.

I narrowed my eyes at him.

'Hmm...I
admire
your acting,' I replied stonily. Connor raised his eyebrows at me. I gave in. '...A lot.'

'Why, thank you,' he said.

I frowned at him. 'Aren't you supposed to be in New York at the moment? Doing a new film or something like that?'

Connor grimaced. 'In a few days, aye,' he replied. 'But I really don't feel like it. Not that I have much of a choice...'

'Why don't you feel like it?' I asked him, surprised. He always seemed to have so much fun in the US...

He sighed, turning around to rest his forearms on the parapet instead.

'Ach, I don't know...' he grumbled heavily. 'I just feel a bit more...
watched
there, sometimes. I get followed around by those clatty scunners with their cameras whenever I'm out and about, and there're so many promotional events I have to attend to...But here...' He looked around himself. 'I've not seen a single camera during the whole of the four days I've been around. Well, I have, but that was at my photoshoot, so it doesn't count. But on the street, I can just feel...
normal
again. It's great.'

'But you've got everything!' I said in surprise. 'Why would you want to be just an ordinary nobody? You're talented, everybody loves you, famous people want to be friends with you, you've probably got one hell of a lovely house...you're just as nice in real life as on the screen...and I'm sure you have your pick of the girls, too...' I was glad that the semi-darkness hid my fiery blush. Connor gave a mirthless laugh.

'You make it sound so brilliant,' he replied. 'It
is
fun most of the time, but sometimes I really do wonder who my friends truly are. You know, I wasnae always this well-known...in fact, I used to be a depressed, futureless nobody living in Glasgow...'

Of course I knew this, I thought to myself. I had read his very vague biography so many times...

'Most of the lads I went round with in those days weren't exactly part of the right crowd...but I made some other friends at college who I'm still in contact with,' he went on. 'Of course, I dinnae call them as often as I should, but they're still the ones who I know are my real friends - the ones who really know
me
.'

I nodded understandingly, then Connor paused.

'God, I haven't vented all my problems to someone like that in ages,' he said, giving a little laugh. I smiled at him.

'It's good to have a proper moan sometimes,' I told him. 'I came here for a bit of a think, too.' He returned my smile. It was a different smile, one I hadn't really seen much...a very spontaneous, very friendly one that completely reached his eyes.
So this is the non-public side of Connor MacGowan, then
, I thought in surprise.

'Why don't you have a rant, too?' he said. 'You listened to mine, so I'm all ears to yours.'

I smiled uncertainly, twiddling distractedly with a lock of my hair. How would I tell him this? I couldn't just say that I had been obsessively pining over our last meeting...

'Oh, it's just the usual crap...' I murmured vaguely. 'I came here because my friends and I used to come here often, but they've all got themselves boyfriends, fiancés and promotions, so they don't have time any more...It's just everyday blues, I suppose.'

Connor nodded sympathetically. It was very odd to have this world-famous movie star listening so attentively to my petty little problems.

'I take it you're the one left single and promotionless, then?' he asked me.

'Yep,' I replied heavily with a humourless smile, letting my hands drop onto my lap. Connor sighed and crossed his arms casually, leaning his back against the wall. He didn't even seem
aware
of the fact that doing this made him look heart-stoppingly attractive, with his sharp profile illuminated by the lamplight like that.
Nice straight nose
, I found myself thinking.

'Aye, I've been
there
, all right,' he told me grimly. 'In Glasgow I was really a complete failure. Hanging out with the wrong lads, getting fired from all the odd jobs I took to keep my head above the water...' He sighed. 'I have some pretty bleak memories of those days...not that I don't get a bit down from time to time
now
.'

We sat together in the most oddly companionable silence imagineable. I felt pleasantly surprised; I had always thought a meeting with Connor MacGowan would stress me out and make me restless, wondering what to say next...but for some reason I felt so
relaxed
now, by his side. And he seemed perfectly peaceful, too, just staring at nothing like I was.

For a while we sat there in curious calm, then Connor looked down at his smart, round silver watch.

'Wow, we've been talking f'ra while here,' he remarked. 'It's getting late.' I nodded in agreement, even though I was disappointed that we couldn't simply stay here and talk for the rest of eternity. I got down from the wall, with a bit less effortless grace than I would have hoped to achieve.

'Yeah, I suppose Mrs Windsor will be a bit annoyed if she hears me jangling my door-keys while she's in bed,' I admitted grudgingly. Then I smiled at him, some of my shyness coming back with a vengeance. 'I mean...not that this wasn't worth it.'

He beamed back at me. Gosh, he
was
tall, I distractedly noticed.

'Aye, I guess I'd best be off,' he replied. 'It's been nice to have someone to talk to, Lillian. I haven't felt so free in a while.'

I felt a lovely warmth spread through me.

'Tonight
has
added something interesting to my life,' I told him light-heartedly with a smile and a shy laugh. 'Well, um...I'd better let you go.'

Connor was about to start off, then he turned back to me. 'Hey, er...it's a bit dark now,' he said. 'Would you like me to walk you back to your apartment?'

I blushed. 'Oh, you don't have to bother, I'll be fine,' I told him.

'No, really, it's no trouble,' he insisted. He smiled. 'Keep you company?' he offerred, with the most endearing expression on his face.

How could I resist?

'You're really very kind,' I said, and let him start off with me back the way we came.

* * *

After a very surreal walk through the town with a reknowned Scottish actor, we arrived all too soon at the door of my apartment block. Connor looked up at the daunting, aggressively dull beige building with some speculation. I felt rather ashamed that he knew I lived in a place like this.

'It's not so bad inside,' I reassured him. 'I survive.' Connor smiled, looking back down at me.

'Well, it's been great, Lillian,' he said. 'I never thought I'd get such a weight off my shoulders tonight. Thanks.'

I smiled at him, not sure what to say or do, feeling a little awkward now. I knew Kate would kill me if she heard I had spent an entire evening with this famous man but kept no solid souvenir of it...but I simply couldn't bother poor Connor for an autograph, of all things.

We hovered on the pavement outside the apartment, our faces lit by the streetlights and passing cars.

'Thank
you
, too, Connor,' I said. 'I had a really nice evening.' I knew we couldn't stay on the pavement all night, no matter how much I wanted us to. 'Well...good luck with your next films, then...I'll be following your future with interest!' I told him with a smile, pulling my keys out of my pocket. God, how stalkerish did that sound...but Connor didn't seem to take it that way, giving me a gracious grin.

'Goodnight, then,' he said, and I turned away to the door, starting to miss him already.

'But wait - just a minute,' he said quickly, stopping me, and fished around in his tight jeans pockets, then in the pockets of his dark jacket. After some hurried fumbling he drew out a biro and a scrap of crumpled paper that looked like an ancient receipt. I watched him in hopeful interest, hardly daring to believe that he was going to give me his autograph even having to be asked.

Connor took the cap off the biro and put it between his teeth.

'What's your number? I mean...it would be nice to be able to give you a ring now and then, if that's OK,' he said to me. I stared at him in disbelief, completely thunderstruck. Connor MacGowan...
Connor MacGowan
...had just asked for
my number
? This couldn't be happening...my knees threatened to give way beneath me.

Quickly seizing control of myself, I hastily gave it to him, sounding very breathless. I wouldn't have been surprised if even
he
could hear how loudly my heart was pounding now. Connor calmly noted the number down, along with my name, then wrote something else below it, which he tore off and handed to me.

He grinned.

'Just in case you need someone to talk to,' he told me as I took the other half of the piece of paper with trembling fingers. 'You can have a moan whenever you feel like it...I'm always open.'

'Th-thanks...' I whispered, hardly believing it. Just when I had thought nothing more in life could shock me...

'See you soon, Lillian!' Connor said jovially, and then was off with a wave.

I stared after him dumbly, standing there frozen as he strode off down the pavement, hands in his pockets, a particular vigour in his walk. Other people walking past him didn't even look twice at him...he strolled along like a free man.

See you soon
, he had said...

I stayed where I was for a full minute, until he was completely out of sight, then I looked down at the torn piece of paper in my hands. On it, written in round, scrawled letters unblemished even by the blotchy biro, was his name...and a number.
Connor MacGowan
, lead actor of so many award-winning films, had actually given me his mobile phone number.

I felt something uncontrollably building within me, which needed to be let out quickly. Hurriedly, I unlocked the door, ran up the dingy flight of stairs half-lit by the automatic light, then arrived in front of my own apartment. Fumbling with keys, I opened my door and rushed in. As soon I was inside, I paused, closed the door, then calmly walked through the main room and into my bedroom. Once there, I serenely sat down on my bed, put a pillow to my face, and then let go. I muffled the wild scream of pure hysterical euphoria that had been bottling up all night, kicking my legs in gleeful excitement. Once I had screamed myself hoarse without waking up Mrs Windsor or any of the neighbours, I threw the pillow away and collapsed onto the bed, beaming and out of breath.