Just A Woman (The Porter Trilogy Book 2) (4 page)

A man to our left sat glaring and I gave him a sneer, prompting him to look away. I may not be with Rachel on a sexual level, but she was like a mother figure to me and I hated seeing men leer at her. I hated seeing anyone leer at her, women not excluded. I waited for a few moments for her to speak before saying anything.

She looked me over silently, her eyes confused. She looked back into my pupils, trying to pull something from them. She was trying to phish for information, but I was attempting not to give it to her. I held my stare, waiting for her to say something or break the contact. After a few minutes, her eyes dawned in realization and she shook her head.

“You love her.” It wasn’t a question, but a statement of fact, a smug look appearing in her eyes. She knew she was right, just as much as I knew she was.

I flinched involuntarily at her words, but nodded and remained silent. I waited for what felt like eternity for her to continue. A myriad of emotions flitted across her face and through her eyes, and I couldn’t decipher any of them. When the waiter came, both Rachel and I ordered our food and then continued our silence. I was starting to get worried when she finally looked at me and smiled.

“Alex, I want to help. I’m not blind and I can see the way you look right now. I know love when I see it. You look miserable, though, and just so you know, I haven’t offered her the job yet. I wanted to talk to you first.” At the mention of Charlotte, I felt my head drop slightly. She grabbed my hand and my eyes rose up to meet hers.

“What happened, Alex? Charlotte had the same look in her eyes when I saw her today, although she did exude a lot of resolution with her grief.” Rachel said, perplexity in every word. I rarely kept secrets from Rachel, but I hadn’t told her much of anything about my relationship with Charlotte. She was left in the dark about the New York incident, but I couldn’t hold it back anymore. She needed to know, so she could help me.

I took a deep breath and told her everything; from the frat party, to her working for me, to falling in love. I left nothing out, and it felt good to talk to someone I trusted about someone I loved. I hadn’t realized I needed the release until I finished speaking and felt lighter. The horror I saw in Rachel’s face when I described what happened to Charlotte rivaled the anger in my voice, but as the story progressed into happier moments, her eyes sparkled at me. When I told her how Charlotte found out about Robert and I being roommates, I watched as she became livid, at me. She shook her head, reprimanding me with her gaze, and eventually, scolding me with her words.

“I can’t believe you, Alex. I know you’re a man, but you can’t be that stupid. What would possess you to keep something like that from her?” Her anger was vibrating between us and it made me cringe. Rachel was a force to be reckoned with, especially when she was angry, and right now she was pissed at me.

“I don’t know, Rachel. I don’t know why I didn’t tell her. I--” I stopped talking as the waiter brought our food and sat it down in front of us. It looked delicious, but my appetite was suddenly gone. “I know I failed her and I don’t know how to make it up to her. I want to make it up to her. I
need
to make it up to her”

“She’s vulnerable and heartbroken right now, Alex. You have to be careful, or you will push her even farther away than you already have. I know she still loves you, I can see it in her eyes, as well as yours, and as much as I want to smack you for your stupidity, I want to help.” She sighed, looking at me with a mixture of anger and compassion swirling in her eyes. “What did you have in mind?”

I smiled at her and winked before we put our heads together to figure out a way to save my sanity and reclaim the lost portion of my soul. My first act was keeping Charlotte away from Sarah, that was a hassle neither Rachel, nor I, were ready to endure at this time, or ever, for that matter. After that, well, I didn’t know, but I was determined to figure it out.

Daydreamer Musings
July 13, 2015
Followers- 6

I have six followers now? How did that happen? Ok, well, hi everyone! Whoever you are. I had an interview today, and it was... weird, to say the least. I haven’t worked in almost a month. A month since the UB of my life. A month living on crap food to drown my sorrows, and because I’m broke. Not having a job will do that to you.

I was super nervous when I got the call for the interview. I hadn’t put out any resumes recently, since I had planned on staying unemployed for a little while longer, but I guess my resume was still floating around when I had applied for my last job, with him. The job that introduced me to the best love of my life and the worst heartbreak.

The lady I interviewed with, I’ve met before. It was under unfortunate circumstances, and her daughter, who I have also met, is a bitch. (Like seriously, she’s a rancid bitch. I can’t stand her and I don’t know how anyone could. Sure, I may be acting petty, but if you’ve ever met her, you know what I’m talking about.) But, regardless, I could use the job and the money, especially now, and I didn’t do any of the work to get the interview, so that’s a win-win for me, I guess.

The interview was actually quite pleasant (especially considering my last one had been less than. Maybe one day I’ll explain to you what transpired in my interview with him). She looked at me a little funny, which was weird, but overall, I felt like I answered her questions well and proved that, even with my limited experience with him, I was still determined to do a good job for her. She hasn’t offered me the job yet, but she seemed impressed. I think she’ll offer it, I hope she will. I think I would do well with her and it would further my business career, hopefully opening some more doors.

I figured, at some point, she would bring him up, but she never did. If it wasn’t for the fact the she apologized for her behavior the one time we had met, I would have thought she was avoiding him completely, which part of me was happy about. I don’t want to talk about him and I don’t want anyone else talking about him either, at least not yet, maybe not ever. I don’t know if I’ll ever be ready to talk about him outside of this blog. 

The other part of me is scrambling to hear any news about him. Just a scrap. Sometimes I feel like a junkie looking for my next fix. My brain knows I need to move on, and keep going, and keep thriving, but my heart is as stubborn as I am and doesn’t understand why I keep punishing myself. I almost asked my interviewer about him, but I clamped my lips shut and stopped myself, for my own good. It’s not going to benefit anyone if I can’t let him go.

Every day, I’m feeling better. There’s still an ache in my chest and I don’t know if it will ever go away. As dramatic as I tend to be, I feel like I’m missing half of myself. Sometimes, I consider calling him, but other days, I feel strong in my resolution to stay away. I love him. Everyone knows it, but he hurt me so much and I don’t know if I can forgive him. I don’t know if my brain will allow it. Right now, the fight is between my brain and my heart, and thankfully, my brain is currently winning.

I know he’s my soulmate, if there is such a thing, but I need to be able to function in life without him. This job will help distract me and make me feel like…..well, feel like me, I guess. I want to feel like me again. The last few months, as glorious as they were, took a piece of me away that I’ll never get back, and I just need to feel whole and normal again. Do you know what I mean?

I’m rambling, I know I am, but the good doctor is right, and I feel so much better when I just sit here and let my fingers do the talking for me. I’m excited about my future and I’m excited to see where things are going to lead. I know that things are still going to be difficult for a while longer, and I’ll be honest when I say I miss him terribly, but good things are coming for me, and karma might finally smile down on me. I think after everything I have been through, I deserve a little goodness in my life. Right?

Thanks, friends and unknown new followers, for listening to my incessant babbling! See you in a few days!

Alex

Thump, thump, thump
. The feeling of pavement beneath my feet was almost enough to push the horrible thoughts out of my head. Almost, but not quite. Charlotte’s blog post from a few days ago was still ripping my heart out of my chest and shredding it into a thousand pieces. I’d never felt more like a jackass then I had in the past few weeks. I didn’t deserve her, but I couldn’t let her go, or walk away from her. She was my soulmate, and even she knew it. I couldn’t be away from her much longer. The plan Rachel and I had formulated whirled through my brain.

Normally, when I felt the need to run, I would walk across the hall into my at home gym and run on the treadmill until I was a sweaty mess. But, after Charlotte had snooped on me doing it, the only thought I ever had when I looked at the workout machine was bending her over the hand rails and hearing her beautiful moans of pleasure. One day, I vowed, I would get her up into my home gym and I would make her scream my name from the elliptical. I just needed to get her back. Easier said than done.

I felt my cock twitch underneath my running shorts and ignored it, pressing myself harder and faster down the sidewalk. I couldn’t run with a hard on and I wasn’t about to stop and relieve myself. I felt like that’s all I had been doing for weeks. I hadn’t been with a woman since Charlie and I had no intentions of hooking up with anyone. Charlie was the only one for me, but at the rate I was jerking off, I wouldn’t have anything left for her when I got her back. I’d always been virile and my hand wasn’t going to do it for me for much longer. I needed to be back on the receiving end of her warm mouth.

I pushed those thoughts to the back of my head and kept my rhythm on the pavement, sweat dripping from my head and neck, my heart beating out of my chest. After several miles, I slowed to a walking pace to restore some feeling to my calves and my feet, and to stretch. A vibrating in my shorts pocket interrupted my thoughts as I reached in to retrieve my phone, not that I was interested in talking to anyone, but it could be work or it could be an update from Charlotte.

“Bracks,” I huffed out, still breathing heavy from my run.

“Porter, Dimitri Hightower is dead,” he said flatly.

I stopped pacing and took in his words. Charlotte’s father was dead. The two of them were not very close, since he had left her mom and remarried, but he had been a competitor of mine for many years, and, although he was ruthless, I had always admired and respected his work from afar. Then a thought hit me, does Charlotte know?

I heard Bracks cough into the phone, subtly letting me know he was still there. “Bracks, find out everything you can,” I spat out, disconnecting the call.

Scrolling through my contacts, I hovered above Charlotte’s name. She hadn’t answered my calls at all in the last month and I doubted she was going to answer this one, but as much as it would kill me, I wanted to tell her about her father. I wanted to be the one to console her. It sounded selfish even to my own mind, but I didn’t care. If I could be there to carry the load for her, take away her pain and shield her from it, I would.

I flicked back through, found Rachel’s name, and stabbed at the dial key. It only took one and a half rings for her to pick up. I probably looked frightening, my arms crossed over my chest, one hand held to my ear, gripping the phone and tapping my impatient foot, but I just couldn’t bring myself to care. If people walking by didn’t like the way I looked, they could look somewhere else. I needed to be there for Charlotte, and right now she was sitting at her new job in Rachel’s office.

“Alex? What’s the matter? It’s the middle of the day? Why aren’t you calling me from your work phone?” I heard her shutting her heavy office door, giving our conversation some privacy. She always had that damn door open.

“I was out running, but that’s not what I called about,” I said impatiently into the phone. “Does she know?” I said, my voice dropping a few octaves, worry tinging every word. If Rachel or Charlotte already knew, my coded words wouldn’t confuse her, and if they didn’t know, well then it would be up to me to explain.

“Does who know what, Alex? I’m confused,” she said, clearly not understanding what I was saying.

“Dimitri’s dead,” I deadpanned.

“Oh my God, Alex, I had no idea, and no, I don’t think she knows, she hasn’t said anything.” She cried into the phone. “Should I tell her?” she asked. I could hear the tears. Rachel hadn’t been super close to Dimitri either, but, being in same industry, you knew just about all of the leaders of a particular company, and Rachel, as strong as she was, was not immune to her feelings.

I sighed, running a hand through my sweaty hair, “Yeah, you might as well, she hasn’t taken any of my calls in the last few weeks.”

“Alright, I’ll call you as soon as it’s done and I’ll send her home for the day. She is still a bit fragile, and this isn’t going to help,” she whispered into the phone.

“Thank you, Rachel, for everything.”

“You’re welcome, Alex,” she said as she hung up.

I dropped my hand and stared out into the city of Los Angeles for a while. My poor Daydreamer. She and her father may not have been attached at the hip or anything close to that, but he was still her blood, and, after dealing with what I did to her, this might break her. I didn’t want that for her, but I had no way to contact her, with the exception of showing up at her work or her home, and I knew that as much as she could use the physical comfort, she wouldn’t welcome it from me.

I sat for a minute more before a bright shiny light bulb flashed above my head. I looked around to see exactly where I was and ran in the opposite direction from where I had come. Scanning the shops on the street, I found my destination and crossed the busy intersection to the flower shop on the corner. Sure, flowers were cheesy and lame, but I knew Charlotte, of all people, would appreciate the gesture.