‘What’s all that noise for?’ The voice yells from the lounge.
‘Sorry mum, I’ll close the door.’ Sarah skips to the door in time with the tune she is singing. It is a song Robert plays in his car the night he takes her out. She thinks it is called ‘I’ll be your baby tonight’. The kitchen is sparkling, a bright light is all around her. She adds more stock to the pot and lets the ingredients boil while she cleans away the dirty implements. After she has washed up, she picks up the knife and slices through the steak. She has chosen the best for her mother, as the last meal for the condemned. She tosses each piece into the pot and stirs. Bending down, she takes the open bottle of wine from the cupboard. Sarah smiles as she pours it into the pot, she wasn’t going to be drawing a line tonight. Whilst the stew boils, Sarah walks to the lounge door and checks her mother is engrossed in the television.
‘Where’ you going?’ she asks, ever vigilant to Sarah’s movements.
Toilet’ she replies as she goes up the stairs. But at the top of the stairs she turns into her bedroom and removes the small container hidden under her bed. Placing it in her pocket she quickly goes to the toilet and pulls the chain before going down again.
In the kitchen Sarah takes the lid off the stew and spoons a small amount on to a plate. She puts this plate on the kitchen table. She picks up a tray and places another plate on this, with a knife and fork, salt and pepper pots and pours the remaining wine into a glass. She turns the gas off and stirs the pot to cool it down a little, not sure if the hot sauce will in any way destroy the lethal amber liquid. Taking the small container from her pocket, using a fork she removes the debris floating on the top and then pours the contents into the stew. She stirs again.
‘Mother, dinner is ready. Do you want me to bring it to you in there, or shall I put it on the table?’
In here,’ she demands.
My pleasure,’ Sarah whispers to herself as she ladles stew on to a plate. She walks into the lounge bearing the gift for her mother, a small smile on her lips. Her mother looks up at her, and Sarah drops the smile from her face immediately. She gives the tray to her mother and leaves.
‘You not eating?’
I’ll eat in the kitchen.’ Her mother has already got a mouthful in her mouth, her attention back on the television. Sarah stands by the door and watches through the crack, wants to witness everything that happens, wants to ensure her mother eats every last morsel on the plate. Her mother shovels the food into her mouth hardly tasting it. Sarah waits. Nothing happens. She finishes eating and leans forward to place the tray on the floor. Her mother reaches for her cigarettes and as she attempts to light one, her face contorts. Pain. Sarah smiles. Her mother leans forward. Groans. Sarah watches. Groans and retches. Thankfully nothing comes out. The muscles must already be going into spasm. Sarah stands still and watches. Her mother falls onto the floor, her face white. Her eyes look towards the door and Sarah pushes it open with her foot, so her mother can see her standing there. She stays where she is for half an hour. It may have been more, but she doesn’t move until her mother stops moving. When she is still, Sarah walks into the kitchen and sits at the table. The steak is far too good to waste even if it is cold. Besides she is hungry.
‘Sarah, Sarah,’ Dr. Short’s voice interrupted her. ‘Are you alright Sarah?’
‘Yes, fine thank you. Actually no I’m not. Dr. Short can I ask you something?’ He looked at his watch, then back at her,
‘Yes, of course you can. What is it?’
‘Mother. You know you told her she’s got to stop smoking? And now she’s gone onto the patches? But she’s still smoking. Is it going to do her any harm?’
‘She shouldn’t be doing both! It can only be patches or cigarettes. Not both. You must tell her again Sarah, it is very dangerous to be doing both. Very bad for her health.’
‘I have told her. I’ve told her she mustn’t smoke. And now I’m really worried about it. She’s getting so much more forgetful. Will you please come over and see her?’
He sighed. ‘I’ve got rather a heavy load on this week.’
Sarah looked at the floor.
‘I’ll tell you what, I’ll ask Dr. Pethric to come over. I know she isn’t busy yet. Will that help?’
‘Oh thank you,’ Sarah didn’t try to hide her happiness at this suggestion. It was better than she hoped. Dr. Pethric was the locum and knew nothing about anyone and didn’t seem to care much about anyone either. She was only going to be at the surgery for a couple of weeks until Dr. Maddox returned.
*****
Stephanie was making a conscious effort not to let Trevor into her mind, and of course it was like the tale of the blue box she remembered being told as a child; a man was told he could have his heart’s desire if he opened the box without thinking of the colour blue; all he could think about was the colour blue.
To take her mind off Trevor she decided to do something different tonight. She had called Cammy and arranged to go out on the town. She hadn’t been out to a pub with her friend for a long time. They often met for lunch, or spoke on the phone, but an evening drink, no she always declined. Cammy had been surprised but delighted and suggested they meet at the King’s Head for a snack, telling her it was always lively on a Friday night.
Languishing in the bath, Stephanie thought about the recent voicemail she had received at work. He had phoned at two in the morning according to the telephone machine. Did he just guess she got to the office before Jane, or did he not care? It was quite explicit, and he had used her name several times. It wasn’t nasty exactly she decided, but it wasn’t nice being left these messages. At least there had been no more flowers. The security cameras were very obvious. They had been wonderful, doing the job so quickly. She felt a lot safer and wondered why she hadn’t thought about having them put in before. The dogs, she thought; having the dogs gave her a false sense of security, but of course when she walked them, it left the house vulnerable, something she had just not considered. And the electric gate was pure luxury, not having to get in and out of the car. She felt very lazy clicking the button.
Yes, she was looking forward to having a good chat with Cammy, but she wouldn’t tell her about what had happened. She would forget all about it for one night and enjoy herself. Cammy would only insist she report that matter. And she couldn’t do that. If they started an investigation, they might get too interested in the way she lived her life, and that was nobody’s business except hers! It couldn’t have been one of the one night stands. She was sure. She had always been far too careful.
Reaching for a towel, she stood up and scrubbed herself dry, before stepping out of the bath and drying her feet. Stepping on to the cool marble tiles she stood still for a few seconds enjoying the coolness as it travelled up her legs. Naked she walked to her bedroom and donned the clothes she had spread out on her bed. White lace matching underwear, jeans and a soft pink cashmere jumper, her black hair looked good against the baby pink. After applying mascara she stood back from the mirror and liked the simplicity she saw. She was not on the pull tonight but being admired generally made her feel good, and she wanted Cammy to see her at her best.
Their relationship was a surprising one. Stephanie had long ago accepted she didn’t make female friends easily, not really liking them for that kind of relationship. She was honest enough to admit to herself, she didn’t really like any people much. Cammy was a bonus, one she felt lucky to have and appreciated. They had struck up a friendship immediately after meeting at a conference. Stephanie called it a conference, but it was really one of those Self-Help Guru talks, sort of workshop things, that everyone had to go to. She felt slightly embarrassed to be there, but she was well aware how these courses brought in new revenue. The extra certificates on the wall, the letters after her name all served to prove to doctors and the public what a wonderful therapist she was, as they assumed the more initials and certificates meant higher standards and therefore for her, higher income.
There were always people she could gather information from and give her business card to. Unfortunately it was necessary to attend these gatherings, even though they usually bored her rigid and she had yet to get any personal benefit from one. She still had an open mind as to how many of the attendees actually believed what they heard from the self styled Gurus. Some who were more screwed up than most of her clients.
Cammy was there alone, for herself. She was into all the Self-help stuff. And as she said, fate brought them together, as they found themselves sitting next to each other. Stephanie voiced her scepticism about it all, and Cammy diplomatically tried to change her mind. She had never met anyone like Cammy. Almost like love at first sight. Though Cammy had made it obvious she was heterosexual, and only heterosexual, from the start. No one was more surprised than Stephanie that the relationship had lasted.
After one last look in the mirror she went downstairs to make sure the dogs were settled. Seeing them curled up together reassured her the house would be fine whilst she was out. Picking up her keys from the kitchen work surface, she left the house. She was driving to the pub and intending to leave the car there for the night. She had no rush in the morning.
In the car she turned up the volume and sang along. Indicating to turn onto the main road she changed gear, then looking in the mirror she noticed the lights of the car behind her. It too was indicating. Vaguely she was aware it had been behind for quite a while, since she had left the house in fact. She sang louder. She had just pulled on to the main road, of course a car would follow her on to the main road. It was only a few more miles before she reached the pub anyway. She pushed her foot down knowing she was over the speed limit but wanting to get to the pub. Cammy would be there by now, she thought as she took a quick peek at the dashboard clock. Looking in the mirror, she saw as she speeded so did the car behind her. Of course they would! If she slowed down they would have to slow down, she reassured herself. Her heart began to thump in her ears. Nearly there. She indicated once more to turn off into Langham Street, looking to see what the car behind was doing. Its indicator was on, following. She could see the pub car park, indicated again, and looked to see what the car was doing now.
Pulling into the car park, a white van burst past her. Stephanie could see there was only one person in the van, but it was too dark to make out any features. Pulling the car to a stop she leant her head on the steering wheel, her breathing heavy. She wiped her hands down her jeans and felt the cashmere stuck to her back. Leaning back she closed her eyes to calm her breathing. She heard her own voice speaking to her, as if she was a client in the office. Take deep breaths, let your shoulders drop, count to ten slowly then open your eyes. She obeyed herself.
She reached up to turn the interior light on, pulled down the sun visor and checked her face in the mirror. She looked fine, a bit flushed, but it suited her. She practised smiling, then pushed the visor back up, reached for the keys, opened the car door and made for the pub.
Pushing open the pub door, the noise assailed her. Laughter, chatter, loud men’s voices shouting to be heard over the din of other’s voices; there was even some music in the background but so obscured, the tune was undetectable. Standing at the door she looked around, a sea of faces before her. Cammy’s arm was in the air waving to her, her mouth moving.
‘Over here,’ she yelled, loud enough to be heard by everyone, ‘come on Steph, you’ve got some catching up to do.’ Cammy held out her other hand, a large dark drink in it. ‘Got you one in,’ she laughed, as Stephanie approached her, saying excuse me and pushing people aside to get to her.
‘My god, when you said it was lively here, you didn’t say heaving!’ she laughed, as Cammy kissed her on both cheeks.
‘Oh, always like this on a Friday.’
Stephanie took the drink, and gulped back half of it in one go. This was the kind of evening she had envisioned. She looked around and noticed a young man leaning against the wall. Although he was talking to someone beside him, he was smiling at her with his whole face. She turned back to Cammy, but Cammy was busy talking to some other man at the bar beside her.
.
L
ooking at the amber liquid in the pot, Sarah felt an emotion in her body she hadn’t felt since she was very young. The sensation took her back to the morning of her fourth birthday. Her father had promised her a beautiful pink bike they had seen in the shop window. His excitement over the bike had passed down his arm to her hand resting in his as they looked through the window. He would buy it for her, he promised. She looked up at him smiling. Nothing mattered as long as he was by her side, holding her hand. She knew nothing could harm her as long as he was there beside her.
She was so excited on the morning of her birthday, she woke early and ran down the stairs to the lounge, expecting it to be there. They would go outside together and he would show her how to ride, it was going to be a perfect day. He promised. He promised he would stay home all day, he promised he would play with her. And there in the middle of the lounge floor; a deep red ribbon tied around the saddle was the pink bike. Just as he promised. She laughed and danced around it. Then she ran back upstairs and threw herself into her parents’ bedroom. This was not usually allowed, but she was sure today it would be alright.
‘How dare you!’ her mother’s voice screeched at her. Sarah stopped.
He wasn’t in his bed.
He promised.
‘He’s gone.’ The voice continued.
‘Where?’ she asked as she backed out of the room, excitement being replaced rapidly by fear.
‘You don’t think he’d take the day off work just for you?’ She laughed, but Sarah knew her mother wasn’t smiling as she turned out of the door. ‘I’ll be down in a few moments to deal with you.’
Looking into the amber liquid Sarah saw her father’s face as he looked down at her outside the shop. It was the last time she remembered seeing him smile.