Authors: Amelia Whitmore
“Anna,” he whispers, barely loud enough for me to hear him
through my sheets.
“What?” I ask, feeling myself breaking a tiny amount.
“I’m sorry,” he says helplessly.
I nearly pull back the sheets. “How does sorry change
anything that you said?” I ask, feeling tears start.
“It doesn’t change anything, I know. I just, I didn’t mean
it. And I know that doesn’t make a difference, but it’s true. I was just angry,
and not at you. Please, I need to talk to you face-to-face.” I can feel his
hand pulling lightly on my blanket as the bed dips a bit under his weight. I
sigh, knowing exactly what he’ll see after a night of crying.
“I don’t want you to see me right now,” I mutter, my voice
cracking.
“You’re beautiful to me, no matter what,” he says
reassuringly.
“Oh yeah, that’s right. I’m just putting on some big show,
being high maintenance,” I snort.
“Anna,” he says, his voice sounding heavier than before,
like I’ve actually hurt him. I doubt that’s true, though, since he thinks I’m
just playing him.
I grumble in frustration before whipping the covers off my
head—maybe my face will scare him into leaving me alone. I see his eyes widen
as I stare unforgivingly into his eyes. “Just say what you came here to say,” I
tell him.
“I’m sorry,” he repeats. “I know that I hurt you and that I
can never take back what I said, but you have to know that I didn’t mean it.
I’ve never doubted you or thought you were just playing some game. I was just
mad at myself for resorting to violence in the first place, and I took it out
on you. You didn’t deserve any of the things I said to you.” He seems sincere
but I’m too angry to care yet.
“You’re right, I didn’t deserve that. How am I supposed to
look past that, Brayden? You were a completely different person yesterday and I
honestly don’t understand how that happened,” I say, looking down as I sit up
against the headboard. “For the past few months, you’ve become so important to
me, and the fact that you asked if I was just playing hard to get makes it feel
like we’re a lie,” I admit as tears fill my eyes. I try to look away before
they fall, but it’s clear that I’m crying now.
“Anna, I know that I’m an ass and a moron, but I love you,” he
says pleadingly.
A sob escapes my throat as I look at him in disbelief. “Do
you honestly think that this is the best time to use that as a bargaining chip?
I don’t want the first time you tell me you love me to be because you’re afraid
of losing me!” I cry, suddenly very mad at him.
“But I do love you and you need to know that if you’re going
to break up with me,” he protests.
“I haven’t broken up with you!” I argue. I figured he’d take
what I said yesterday as a breakup, but I hadn’t meant it to be.
“Well are you going to?” he asks sadly.
“Do you want to?” I ask back.
“Of course not!” he exclaims. Other than my occasional
sniffles, we’re both silent.
I take a calming breath before saying, “I need to know what
happened to you yesterday, Brayden. It just doesn’t make sense. I’ve seen you
get irritated, but you’ve never truly been mean. I know that you get
protective, but yesterday you were possessive, and it’s not you. And it’s not
okay,” I say softly.
He runs a hand through his hair. “Evie lost the baby,” he
breathes, a line of tears filling his eyes. “I was over there when she slipped
on the stairs. I just . . . I left them at the hospital and
went to see you, thinking I’d feel better, and it worked, until I saw that Sam
guy. After that, it was like I was in somebody else’s body. The next thing I
knew Ro was calling me, telling me what a dick I am and that I’m never going to
see you again and it scared me shitless.”
His tears have fallen by the time he’s finished telling me
and I immediately open my arms to him, affected by the loss of Evie’s pregnancy
too. “You should have told me right away,” I whisper to him. “It doesn’t make
what you did okay, but I’m willing to forgive you now.”
“I really do love you Anna. It wasn’t a bargaining chip,” he
says softly, looking into my eyes.
“I care about you more than I ever thought I could, Brayden,
but telling you I love you right now would be a lie. I need to make sure I’m
positive about it before I tell you or it won’t be fair to either of us,” I say
carefully. “As soon as I’m ready, you’ll be the first to know. I promise.”
He nods his head, knowing that this is more than I could’ve
given to him a few weeks ago. He places his lips against my cheek. “I am sorry,
Honey. If I could take my words back, I’d do it in a heartbeat. I can’t though,
and I hate it.”
I nod and rest my head against his chest. “Brayden?” I ask
softly, nervous about what I’m about to ask. I can already feel the lump in my
throat.
“Hmm?” he hums.
“Do you really think I’ve just been playing hard to get?” I
ask, my voice breaking.
“No. I really wish I wouldn’t have said that. I know you
better than to think you’d ever trick me. I just wanted to say something to
hurt you like I was hurting, and it wasn’t fair at all. I can’t tell you enough
how much I want to take it all back.” He takes a deep breath. “I hate myself
for trying to make you feel bad.”
“Don’t hate yourself,” I say quietly. “At least you’re
honest about it and you realize what you did wasn’t right. It’d be worse if you
were in denial about everything.”
“I don’t deserve your understanding,” he says, shaking his
head.
I shrug, not really knowing what to say to that. “I don’t
think it’s a good idea to go to the dance,” I tell him.
“All right,” he agrees, but sounds reluctant.
“And, um, I’d kind of like to be alone right now,” I say, my
stomach tightening as I speak. I’ve never wanted to be alone with Brayden
around, and the fact that I’d rather be by myself than with him speaks volumes
to both of us.
***
Later, Ro comes by to see me and we both sit reading some
magazines on my bed. “So, I went to see Carlos today . . .” She
trails off.
I look over at her curiously. They’re always seeing each
other. Why is this news? “And?”
“And he told me that Brayden spent the night at his
apartment last night.”
“Did he?” I ask, looking back at the copy of
Lady
magazine in my hands.
“Yeah. Apparently he was pretty messed up about everything
that happened.”
“Was he?” Even to me, my voice sounds cold.
“All right, what gives?” she asks.
“Nothing gives. I just, I’m just trying to figure some
things out. I mean, whether the circumstances make it seem acceptable or not,
he really hurt me yesterday. I’m going to try to forgive him, but he’s the one
person I never expected to need an apology from,” I explain.
“Maybe you expected too much from him?” she offers.
I raise an eyebrow. “Weren’t you the one calling him
yesterday to say he’d never see me again?” I ask.
She shrugs. “You were up here sobbing your eyes out and I
was pissed. I’m not going to deny it.”
I sigh and turn the page. Before I can speak though, I see a
picture of me and I scream, scaring Ro. “What?” she yells.
“Me!” I shriek, pointing to the page.
“Holy shit!” she yells. “You look so beautiful! You make
looking bored seem fashionable!” She smiles.
I grin, wishing Brayden were with me. I don’t know what to
do, exactly, so I take a picture of it with my phone and send it to him with a
smile attached.
“Why didn’t you call him?” Ro asks, staring at my phone.
I shrug and look down.
“Anna, if you’re going to forgive him, then forgive him. If
you’re not, don’t string him along,” she says softly.
“It happened yesterday,” I snap. “Sorry if I just want a day
or so to figure things out. I don’t think it’s too much to ask.” I close the
magazine and turn away from her, listening as she sighs and then leaves my
room. Tiny tears drip from my eyes as I wonder how everything got so fucked up.
Monday morning, I skip school, feeling less than
enthusiastic about spending the whole day with people I don’t like even when
I’m in a good mood. I’d call into work, but Jon already gave me the weekend off
and I don’t want him to think that I’m slacking.
I end up arriving about five minutes late and groan when I
see that I’m working with Carlos and Jake today. Neither are usually bad; in
fact, Jake’s a sweetheart. But I’m sure that Carlos was dragged into the middle
of two out of three fights this weekend. Brayden went to Carlos’s house after
our initial fight, and I bet that Ro went to him when I all but kicked her out
of my room.
“Hey, Annie!” Carlos says, waving his towel in the air.
I smile and wave back, relaxing a little when I realize that
he’s being objective and not taking sides. I couldn’t blame him if he did. He
was friends with both Ro and Brayden long before he even met me.
“So, Anna, how was your weekend?” Jake asks me shyly. He’s
not too much of a talker, focusing more on working most of the time, but he’s
polite and a great confidant.
“It was eventful,” I say vaguely, avoiding eye contact with
Carlos.
“Anything you want to talk about?” he asks me softly as I
move to stand by him. There aren’t any customers at the moment, so it’s okay if
we chat. I just don’t want to.
“I’m okay,” I say softly.
“Are you sure? Because I’m here if you need me,” he says,
shrugging in a nonchalant way.
I give him a small half smile. “I don’t think that talking
to you is going to mend any of my problems right now. Especially during
business hours. I really appreciate the offer, though,” I tell him sincerely.
“Well that’s up to you,” he replies, and we all begin
working again.
Within an hour or so of clocking in, the lines are full and
we’re busting our butts to stay on top of all the orders. It’s kind of relaxing
for me, though, since very little thought process goes into making the drinks.
“Welcome to Starbucks, how may I help you?” I ask the next
person in line as the bells chime above the door. Glancing over, I’m startled
to find Brayden walking toward me.
“Hey, no cutting, buddy!” one guy calls from the back of the
line. Brayden only waves a tiny bit before shoving his hands back into his coat
pockets and walking up to the counter.
“When’s your break?” he asks.
I look at the clock and then back at the line, “Not for a
bit,” I answer.
“I’ll wait, then,” he says softly before walking over to an
empty cushioned chair by the fireplace.
Anxious nerves fill my body as I rush to complete the
orders. Funnily enough, the place dies down within twenty minutes, making it
seem as though we hadn’t just been filled to the brim with customers. Except
for the mess. “I, uh, I’m going to take my break now,” I tell the guys before
untying my apron. Zipping up my jacket, I lead us outside, to the alley between
the buildings where the picnic tables are.
We’re awkwardly silent the entire time, even once we’re
sitting. Finally, I sigh. “What are you doing here?”
He shrugs, “I come here every night for your break.” I look
at the ground as he continues, “I know that you’re mad at me, and you have
every right to be, but I didn’t want you to think that I wouldn’t show up,
because I always do, and then have you doubting me even more.”
I tell him the only thing that comes to mind. “That’s
considerate.”
“I didn’t do it to be considerate, Anna.”
“I know,” I say softly. Taking a deep breath, I begin
talking. Maybe ranting. “Look, I’m just going to spew this out, okay? Because
it needs to be said and I can’t hold it back. As hurt and mad as I am at you
for the things you said, I’m even more upset with myself.”
He interrupts me. “Why would you be upset with yourself?”
“Let me talk, please,” I say softly. “I’m mad at myself
because I gave you the power to hurt me. I . . . I know
this sounds crazy, really I do. But you’re perfect to me. You’re the guy of my
dreams. You are the reason that I’m happy again, and I can’t thank you enough
for that. But I put you up on this pedestal, making you seem indestructible.” I
pause to collect my thoughts.
“I had a lot of time to think this weekend, and I think that
the things you said made you human to me for the first time. Imperfect, in a
way. I know that you can hurt me now. I know that you get truly angry. I know
that you’re real, and it’s hard to adjust to. God, I sound so crazy right now,
I know it.” I pause. “You were supposed to be the guy who could never hurt me.
And now that you have, I just need to wrap my mind around the fact that you’re
not really a superhero.”
The table moves slightly as Brayden jumps up from it,
running his hands through his unruly hair before stuffing them back in his
pockets and pacing back and forth. “Damn it, Anna!” he begins, growling a bit.
I frown, feeling as though the night took a turn that I wasn’t expecting. “I
hate myself for what I said to you. I love being your superhero. That pedestal
is my favorite place in the world, do you know that? You believing in me like
that was incredible. I know that this is a lot to ask, but please just give me
one more chance. Please.”
I scowl. “Why is it so important for me to think you’re
perfect?” I ask.
He moves to stand in front of me, pulling my hands into his.
“Because you didn’t expect me to hurt you when I was perfect. I know that I did
it anyway, but I can see it in your eyes that you’re just waiting for me to say
something awful again.” I blush at how right he is. “It’s all my fault that I
don’t have it, but I need your trust.”
“I do trust you, it’s just different now,” I tell him.
“I don’t want things different!” he exclaims desperately,
squeezing my hands. In a softer tone, he continues. “I have a temper. I know
that. And I’m a jealous guy. I know that too. But I love you so much and I
would never have reacted that way if I knew it’d hurt you.”