At the corner of her road, she stopped and reminded herself of what he’d said to her that horrible night in Tresco even though the words still cut like a knife. There would never be a “soon” for them, he’d said, and the words had echoed in her mind like a great oak door clanging shut on a prisoner in a dungeon.
Soon, the flat came into sight and Lucy’s emotions went on a roller-coaster ride. There was no Josh outside. He must have already gone. She’d reached the flat before the door of a black cab opened and a man got out, pulling a wallet out of his back pocket.
It was Josh. There was no mistake but it was a Josh she had never seen before. He had thick toffee-blond hair curling against his neck and he was wearing a trench coat over a thick sweater.
And only now, in this instant, as her stomach did an impression of fairground waltzers, did she realize how much she still loved him.
He shoved some notes through the window of the cab before he turned round and saw her. When she saw his expression she knew straightaway he wasn’t going to do a Richard Gere and sweep her out of the paper bag factory.
“Have you been looking for Luke?” she said, before he could hurt her by saying it himself.
“Yes, I have.”
“And?”
“I found him.”
“Oh.”
“Or rather he found me, Lucy.”
Just then, the breeze whisked up a leaf and whirled it past her face and into her hair. She suddenly realized she was too afraid to brush it away, too afraid even to move. Because, she thought, if she actually moved, she might break into little pieces, she felt so brittle and fragile. Maybe Josh would melt away too if she brushed away the leaf, because maybe he wasn’t here at all and she had imagined him because she wanted him so very much. Only the leaf was the charm that kept him here.
“He found me because his girlfriend saw an article in the newspapers about us. He’s been trying to pluck up the courage to get in contact with me ever since and last week I got a phone call. Yesterday I went to visit him and I’ve been staying with him.”
“Where is he?” asked Lucy, shivering beneath her raincoat.
“In Pirbright at the moment. He joined the Army a few years back. He’s served in Iraq and Afghanistan but now he’s back at the base for a while with Suzy, his partner. They’ve got a baby on the way.”
“So you’re going to be an uncle?”
“Yes.”
“That’s great, Josh. I’m really happy for you,” said Lucy, meaning every word, yet weirdly feeling like crying. “How did you know where I live?” she asked.
“I called Fiona first thing this morning. She didn’t seem too pleased.”
“That’s because she just got engaged. You probably got her out of bed.”
His wry smile, softening his expression, threatened to have her on her knees. “I never was one for the social niceties. You know that.” He hesitated before he went on. “So, Lucy, are you going to let me in or are you going to leave me out here, breathing in all this pollution?”
Her heart beat a slow, painful rhythm against her chest. “I’m not sure, Josh. Maybe I’ll leave you out here. It depends just how much you want to come inside.”
He took a step toward her and reached out his hand. She barely felt his hand touch her hair, but when he uncurled his fingers, the leaf was sitting in his palm. His fingers were blistered and calloused from windsurfing and work, yet Lucy wanted to lift them to her mouth and kiss them.
He let the leaf fall to the pavement and gently brushed her cheek with his hand. “Lucy, sweetheart, I want to come inside with you so much it hurts. Please let me in. Don’t leave me out here.”
The stairs to the flat felt like Everest as she led the way up, hardly able to bear the weight of hope and expectation filling her heart. All the time she’d spent trying to force him from her mind, she’d known that she would survive as long as she never had to see him again. Now that he’d burst back into her life, real flesh and blood, she didn’t know how she could cope with another parting.
Inside the flat, the curtains were still drawn so she tugged them open and let in the weak spring sunlight. Even so, Josh seemed too massive for her little sitting room. “Can I get you a coffee?” she said, bizarrely hoping he wouldn’t notice her knickers drying on the radiator.
He smiled gently. “Not right now, thanks.”
“Will you sit down, then?”
He chose the sofa, carefully pushing a couple of DVDs and an empty packet of Doritos to the end of the seat to make room.
“Are you sure you don’t want a cookie or some breakfast?”
“Lucy, I mean this really nicely, but can you please shut up for a minute? Don’t you know I’ve been dying without you?”
“You don’t mean actually
dying
, Josh. You mean hurting. That’s how you know you’re alive.”
“Hurting, then. Suffering.”
“I’ve not been very happy either.”
“How ‘not very happy’?” he asked, shifting forward in the chair, daring her to put into words what she’d been going through. But how could she tell him about the lonely nights, the longing for his body and his quiet, rock-steady presence? The misery she felt when she’d locked up the cottage on that last morning and seen Tresco Farm growing farther and farther away in the rearview mirror?
“Like the sun got switched off,” she said at last.
He was off that sofa and holding her in his arms in an instant. He was big and warm and golden and she couldn’t believe that he was here in her life. Then he brought his mouth to hers and she tasted him again, the heat and sweetness, the Josh-ness of him. His sweater was rough against her wet cheek, his fingers tangled painfully in her morning hair as he kissed her as if he would never let her go.
She didn’t know how long they kissed and held each other but eventually she broke the silence. “I’ve missed you so much. I’m so sorry for lying to you, letting you down. I’ve regretted it every day.”
Josh groaned. “No, I’ve regretted it every day. I should have trusted you but, Lucy, I don’t find it easy to trust people. If it’s any consolation, life has been hell. Pure hell. I tried to convince myself I could live without you but I just couldn’t do it. And then, when I heard from Luke and realized just how much of his life I’ve missed, I knew I couldn’t waste another moment without seeing you. I’ve only been hurting myself and God knows what I’ve done to you.” He smiled gently. “And I think Tally hates me too.”
“Because Hengist left?”
“Because I drove you away and I wouldn’t give you a second chance. Because I’m a stupid, stubborn bloke who didn’t know what he had. But I do know now and I love you, Lucy.”
She could no longer stand the pressure of his arms about her waist, the tantalizing pressure of his fingers on the bare skin where her T-shirt met her very glamorous jogging bottoms. Too late to worry that she had her oldest knickers on and a bra that she should have thrown out ages ago. Josh only seemed to care about ripping her clothes off as fast as possible. It was cold in the flat and she was shivering by the time he’d unhooked her bra and taken off her knickers. In no time, he was naked too and every bit as hard and magnificent as she’d remembered and dreamed about. She realized it wasn’t
that
cold in the flat.
“Kitchen?” he panted, holding out his hand to her.
Lucy gulped. “Love to, but I don’t think my little table will survive.”
He looked downcast until she ordered, quite sternly: “Bed. Now.”
As he let her lead him into the bedroom, she marveled at her new assertiveness and wondered if that was what being your own boss did for you.
Much later, glowing and warm, they were walking through pools of spring sunshine in the park. With Josh’s arm around her back, Lucy felt as if she owned the whole world. When they reached the café by the lake, he pulled her into his arms.
“Lucy, I want you to come back with me to Tresco. I sold one of the cottages and bought out Sara’s share in the club.”
“She let you do that?”
“She told me it was a poxy dump and I was welcome to it and we both know I’m much better at sailing than property owning.”
“Perhaps,” she replied carefully.
“But the point is, Lucy, I don’t want to be Josh the island anymore. I want to share my life with you.”
Lucy buried her face in his sweater. For so long, she’d longed for those words but now they presented a dilemma. Gradually, she’d moved forward, made plans, set them in motion, entangled herself with other responsibilities. Her business had kept her sane while she’d been trying to forget Josh. She couldn’t just abandon it and yet she ached to be with him.
“It’s not that I don’t want to come with you. I do, so very much, but things have changed, Josh. I have a business, staff—”
He raised his eyebrows in surprise. “Your own empire?”
“A teeny tiny one, more like a mini-kingdom. There’s Lorna, who’s my assistant, and my clients. I can’t just abandon them. It’s not that simple.”
“Life never is,” said Josh. “And I don’t want you to give up everything for me, but I have to try and be with you somehow.” He pulled her to him and kissed her head. “And I’m not going to stop trying until we’re together.”
Three Months Later
Lucy spotted Josh standing in the small arrivals area at Newquay Airport before he saw her. He was jingling his keys in his fingers and anxiously scanning the passengers. As he finally caught sight of her, she lifted a hand and he smiled back. She quickened her step, her body tingling in anticipation of the tightening of his arms around her, the gentle sweep of his lips against hers.
“Hello,” she said as she reached him at last, her breath coming in little gasps that had nothing to do with hurrying toward him and everything to do with what she had to say.
“How was your flight?” he asked, taking her bag from her without asking as he always insisted on doing. He kissed her on the lips briefly but there was no “sweetheart,” and certainly no bear hug.
“Oh, fine. We had a bit of a bumpy landing but otherwise it was good. You can see all the boats, you know, as you come in to land,” she said as they walked outside, blinking against the redness of a sinking sun.
Josh flicked his key at the pickup truck. “Could you see Tresco?” he asked as he dropped her bag in the cab and waited for her to climb inside.
“Well, I tried to spot it but I couldn’t quite—”
“No, of course not. Stupid question.”
He slid into the driver’s seat and Lucy touched his hand as he held it over the gear stick. “Josh? Are you OK?”
“I’m fine,” he said, starting up the engine. “Absolutely fine.”
“How’s Tally?” she tried later, as they rattled along the road toward Tresco Farm.
“She’s fine too.”
“Right. That’s good, then,” said Lucy, her tingle of anticipation having rapidly changed to genuine anxiety. What was the matter with him? Surely he couldn’t have changed his mind about asking her to move down here to Tresco with him? For the past three months, they’d talked of little else. Every weekend, they’d met up either in Cornwall or London, planning how they could be together and now that Lucy had finally decided, now that she was here to tell him she’d actually gone and
done
something, he seemed distant and cold. Her stomach lurched. Oh, please, let him not have changed his mind. Not now.
Josh seemed to be concentrating unusually hard on negotiating the twisting high-banked lanes that led to Tresco and by the time they pulled into the yard of the farmhouse, she was feeling almost sick with tension. He got out of the driver’s door and unloaded her bag while she climbed down from the truck. Then he went on ahead to unlock, stepping into the kitchen without switching on the light as she hovered half in, half out of the doorway. From the gloom of the kitchen, a furry bundle hurtled toward her, its tail banging softly against her legs. Crouching down, she ruffled Tally’s head, grateful to have a moment to compose herself. “Hi, girl.”
Josh had crossed to the countertop and had his back to her, seemingly intent on the mail that was scattered on the counter. After he hadn’t said a word for what seemed like an age, Lucy could stand it no longer. She flicked on the light and crossed the tiles toward Josh.
“Please tell me what the matter is,” she said, reaching out a hand to touch him.
He flinched. “Nothing. I’m fine.”
“No, you’re not. I know you too well now. Tell me…”
Lucy almost imagined rather than saw him rub his sleeve over his face before turning to face her and because she loved him and knew he’d die if she let on, she pretended she hadn’t seen him crying. And because she loved him she summoned up every ounce of courage and gave him a lifeline if that was what he needed.
“Josh. Please. If you’ve changed your mind about me moving down here, it’s OK. I mean, it’s not OK. Not at all! What I mean is, I’ll try to understand.”
His face crumpled in horror. “I haven’t changed my mind.”
She searched his face and he glanced away at the window in shame.
“Then why are you acting like this? All cold and… and
stiff
?”
“
Stiff?
”