Just the Way I Like It (7 page)

“You’re hilarious,” Mac told him, lifting his middle finger.

“She has a quirk or two, so you won’t date her?” Danika asked Dooley. “I’ve met some of the girls you’ve slept with. I’m not sure completely-stable-and-normal applies to many of them.”

“I didn’t say she couldn’t be a little crazy,” Dooley said. Geez, he wasn’t unrealistic. Every girl registered somewhere on the meter. “But I don’t go above a sixty-eight.”

Sara snorted and Jess asked, “What’s sixty-eight mean?”

“On a one hundred point scale, they can score up to sixty-eight points before I break up and change my locks and phone number,” Dooley said.

The girls laughed and he took another swig of beer. None of the guys were laughing. It had happened twice to him. More to both Mac and Sam. A lot more to Sam. Even Kevin had gone out with a girl who’d scored about an eighty.

“Hamsters are worth sixty-eight crazy points?” Dani asked. “Seriously?”

“No,” Dooley said. “They pushed her over the sixty-eight. There were other things that kept moving the meter before that.”

“Like what?” Sara asked. She was perched on her husband’s lap—a common place to find her—but she sat forward, looking very interested.

Dooley looked to the guys for help. “You want examples?” He shrugged. “It can be anything really. Some stuff is worth a point or two. Other things shoot someone straight to the top.”

“Give me something that’s worth a point,” Sara said.

“Calling me more than once a day. Each time is a point,” Dooley said.

Mac just sat smiling and shaking his head. He knew exactly what Dooley was talking about—they all did.

“Ah, so it’s a cumulative thing,” Sara said. “So if I called you ten times on Tuesday, I’d have ten points, but I don’t start over at zero on Wednesday?”

“No, those ten points stick,” Dooley said.

“But there are things you get more than one point for?” Dani asked.

“Definitely.” Dooley shuddered just thinking about some of the fifty-point winners.

“What’s something that would get, say, five points all at once?”

“Getting jealous about me dancing with another woman when we’ve just met that same night.”

“That happened in Oscar,” Sara told Jess and Danika.

“Before or after the marriage proposal in toothpaste?” Jess asked, with a completely straight face.

They were all hilarious.

“Yeah, what’s with the crazy girls in Oscar?” Dooley asked Mac.

“They’re not all crazy. Sara’s an Oscar girl,” Mac said.

“But like Sam said, she married you, so we know she’s a couple crayons short of a full box,” Dooley said.

Mac just flipped him off too.

“I need more examples,” Dani said.

“Things like driving past my house to see if I’m home. Five points a time,” Mac said.

“Naming your cat after me,” Kevin added.

“How about sex in a dressing room?” Dani asked, her elbow digging into Sam’s side.

“Oh, no, that’s sex crazy,” Dooley said.

“That’s okay?” Dani asked.

“It’s just a whole other scale,” he told her with a shrug.

“And we all have various scores that are acceptable…or not,” Mac said.

“So Dooley’s limit of sixty-eight on the crazy meter isn’t the same for you guys?” Sara asked.

“Nah, I can go all the way up to eighty or eighty-five. I tolerate way more crazy than he does,” Mac said.

Sara swatted his arm. “You’re so funny.”

“And Mac has his whole own crazy sex meter,” Dooley said. “He has a really big tolerance there.”

Sara actually blushed and Sam kicked him. “Shut up.”

“On the other hand, Kevin’s crazy tolerance is pretty low,” Mac said, distracting them from
his
scales.

“Yeah, I don’t like them to get above fifty,” Kevin said.

“I assume that’s the regular crazy meter versus the sexual one?” Jessica said dryly.

Kevin didn’t comment on that. He just smiled and took a drink of soda.

“How about you?” Dani asked Sam. “You ever rated a woman on the crazy meter?”

He was sitting next to her on the sofa, his arms stretched behind her. He had just taken a drink of beer and swallowed wrong. Coughing and choking, he got up and headed for the kitchen. Of course, Sam could fake coughing and choking if it was in his best interest.

He wasn’t getting out of this conversation that easily. “One of Sam’s girlfriends was the reason we first needed a crazy meter,” Dooley said. “He’s like a crazy chick magnet. No offense.”

Dani waved that off. “None taken. I need to hear more of these.”

“I agree,” Dooley said.

“Wanting to watch a movie together over the phone,” Kevin offered as an example.

“How’s that work?” Jess asked.

“You both watch the movie on TV but you’re on the phone together the whole time.”

“What’s the point of that?” Jess wanted to know.

“Exactly,” Kevin said.”

“But phone
sex
is okay?”

“Of course. That doesn’t even get a crazy point…on either scale,” Dooley said. “That’s just sexy and fine and good.”

Sara shook her head. “I don’t know how you guys keep all of this straight.”

“More,” Dani said as Sam returned and reclaimed his seat.

He looked wary. Rightly so. Sam had more stories of crazy girls than the other three guys put together.

Sam looked at Ben. “Don’t you have any stories?”

Ben nodded. “Of course.”

“You knew about the crazy meter?” Jessica asked him.

Ben was sitting on the floor leaning back against Jessica’s legs. He didn’t look at her as he said, “I knew about the phenomenon. I wasn’t aware there was a formal grading system.” He grinned at the other guys.

“What do you think would put a woman on the scale?” Jess asked, nudging him with her foot.

“Picking a different theme song for every date we go on,” he said.

She leaned forward. “That happened to you?”

“Yep.”

She sat back. “Wow.”

“Is it that hard to believe that a woman would be crazy—literally—about me?” he asked with mock offense.

“Of course not,” she said, patting his shoulder. But she seemed to be distracted by the thought of women acting like mental patients over her husband. “What else?”

“I had a woman take lipstick and draw hearts on the fronts of all my underwear,” Ben said.

Dooley chuckled. “Like marking her territory?”

Ben grinned and Jessica scowled.

“I had a girl who changed my voicemail to say, ‘This is Kevin’s phone. And this is Tori. If you’re a girl hoping to go out with him, don’t bother leaving a message. He’s taken’.”

Sara clapped. “I love that! You deserve a girl who’s nuts and possessive about you,” she said.

Kevin shuddered. “The message was bad enough, but I didn’t know she’d done it for several days. These jerks never told me and it wasn’t until my mother called and then wanted to know all about Tori that I found out.”

The guys were laughing and Kevin just sighed.

“One of Sam’s girls changed his ringtone to her singing ‘You Shook Me All Night Long’,” Mac said.

“One of Mac’s girls started calling all of
us
eight times a day when he wouldn’t return her calls,” Sam said.

As long as they were on the phone theme, Dooley thought he should add, “A girl I dated had her
mom
call me three times a day when I tried to break up with her.”

Sara actually had to wipe her eyes, she was laughing so hard. “You have to be making this stuff up.”

“Come on, Sam, you’ve got some doozies,” Mac said. “Tell them a couple.”

“Well, there was the girl who cut a piece of fabric out of his car seat where they first had sex,” Dooley said. That was one of his favorite stories.

Dani’s jaw dropped open and she stared at her husband. He pretended to be very interested in the plant on the table by the couch.

“And don’t forget the boob cake,” Mac said.

“Oh, yeah, the boob cake,” Kevin added.

“The
boob
cake?” Danika asked. She completely turned to face Sam. “What boob cake?”

He shrugged. “A girl made me a cake that looked like a boob.”

Kevin burst out laughing. “There’s a little more to it than that.”

“Oh?” Danika looked sincerely interested.

“Tell us, tell us, tell us,” Sara chanted, bouncing up and down on Mac’s lap.

Sam just took another drink of beer.

“It was shaped like one of
her
boobs,” Mac said. “She had it molded to be exactly the size and shape of hers. So it was more like a cupcake, right Sam?”

Sam still said nothing.

Jessica’s eyes were wide. “No way.”

“Oh, yes,” Dooley assured her.

“With a nipple too?” Ben asked.

“Yep. A candy nipple. So he could suck on it,” Mac said, his grin wide.

“There are worse things than a boob cake,” Ben said with a shrug.

“Yeah, but it was a little creepy cutting into it,” Mac said.

“You
ate it
?” Danika asked. “Are you crazy?”

“What?”

“What if she’d poisoned it or something?”

“She
wanted
me,” Sam finally said. “Why would she try to kill me?”

“I can think of a reason or two,” Sara muttered.

“Maybe to keep anyone else from having you?” Dani said. “Ever think of that? It’s not like we’re talking about someone who’s real balanced and rational.”

The guys were quiet. Actually, they
hadn’t
thought of that.

“I dated a girl who wanted to always share silverware at dinner,” Dooley offered after a moment.

“What do you mean?” Sara asked.

“Like she only wanted to eat with the same fork or spoon I used.”

“Okay,
that’s
creepy,” Jessica said.

“
That’s
creepy?” Ben repeated. “As if all the other stuff isn’t?”

“Yeah, why did you guys keeping dating women? Or even going out in public? That’s some scary stuff,” Danika said.

“Well…” Dooley said. Wasn’t it obvious?

“Well, what?” Dani asked, eyebrows up.

“We couldn’t just not date at all,” Mac said.

“Why not?”

“Who would we have had sex with?” Sam asked.

Dani turned to her husband. “So, better to be surrounded by borderline psychopaths than celibate?”

The guys all turned to Kevin. The only one who knew anything about celibacy.

He shrugged. “I’m pleading the fifth here.”

“Maybe you deserved the stuff that happened to you,” Sara suggested. “I know you all pretty well and I’m not sure any of you can claim to be Prince Charming.”

“
You
like me,” Mac reminded her. With both hands on her hips, he slid her back on his lap and nuzzled her neck.

Sara giggled. “I don’t have very good taste.”

“I think you taste great.”

“Ahem,” Sam cleared his throat loudly.

“Maybe we should make that a scale,” Dani said. “The Prince Charming meter. You get points for being
good
, and sweet and romantic instead of crazy on this scale.”

“Where am I starting on this scale?” Sam asked Danika, pulling her closer on the couch.

He said something in her ear that made her blush…and nod. “That bumps you ahead,” she told him, her hand on his thigh.

Ben tipped his head back to look at his wife. “I’ve got some ideas of how to get ahead here.”

She laughed and ran her hand down the side of his neck. “Me too.”

Dooley sighed and drained his beer.

He kind of hated this part of these gatherings.

He loved his friends. These people were amazing people and outstanding friends. He wouldn’t trade any of them and he’d do anything for every single one of them. He was also happy for them all. Truly.

But when the couples acted like couples it was…hard. He didn’t want that. Well, he wanted it on some level but he couldn’t have it. Period. He’d accepted that.

But, he always felt a tightness in his chest when watching them all together.

Being loved like that, and having someone you felt that way about—he couldn’t imagine it.

He caught Kevin’s eye again and could tell his friend was thinking something similar.

Dammit.

His reasons made sense to him. It was his decision. But he hated that Kevin hadn’t found anyone either. Kevin deserved true love.

“Oh, hey, Kevin,” Ben said, pushing to his feet from his seat on the floor. “I have two tickets for the Casino Night fundraiser for the new cancer wing. It’s at the Hilton downtown. Wanna go?”