Just the Way You Are (7 page)

NOW I HAD TO JUMP
into the scene and the scene was to be in one of those pubs that Gaurav had asked me to go to. In the circuit of my friends or my office no one knew much about pubs in Delhi. At least I had not heard any of them discussing what they did over the weekends on Monday mornings. I assumed most of them were either boring and had nothing else to do in life other than sleep or that they were just as unlucky as I me. There was, however, a guy named Mayank who was friendly with me and he used the Delhi lingo of ‘Wassup dude!' quite often. I thought of asking him if he knew of such places. I asked him at lunch if he would like to accompany me to the pub. He looked at me wide-eyed and asked, ‘Have you ever been to a pub or, for that matter, a discotheque?' I gulped uneasily and said, ‘No. Never, actually.' He smiled serenely and patted my back as if he had suddenly become my guru. ‘Doncha worry, dude. Hum hain na!'

That night itself we landed up at the pub Q-Bar. All I could see was a long queue serpentining its way to the road. I asked Mayank if we had to join the same queue to which he just nodded and gestured me to follow. I saw girls in the skimpiest of shorts and skirts clinging to big, muscled guys like snakes coiled around a pole. The ratio was funny. The bigger the guy, the smaller the girl. Two bouncers stood like sentinels at the doorway, busy checking the people letting them enter. A nerdy-looking guy stood there too, checking the entries and noting down the names and identities on a clipboard.

As we reached closer, I looked up at the board hung above the doors.

COUPLE ENTRY—FREE

SINGLE—Rs1000/- GIRLS—FREE

I was taken aback. It was absurd. Couple entry was free and a single was charged 1000 bucks! Wasn't that preposterous, I asked Mayank.

‘Dude, doncha know, girls and couples are supposed to be the centre of attraction of any pub you go to. Otherwise any lallu-panju would be allowed in, you see. And who would come to check them out?'

‘Yeah, right.' I gave a sardonic smile. And these people talk about equality in this country. I was thinking about this when the bouncer suddenly held my wrist and punched a stamp just below my palm.

‘What is this?' I asked Mayank.

‘A confirmation that you have paid.'

‘It reminds me of brothels in movies where flowers are showered on you when you enter and here is this stamp. Modern approach, huh!'

‘Dude, why are you bothering with all this, man? Come inside. You'll find apsaras waiting for you,' he said excitedly. But I was more excited than him.

We walked inside. The loud music was ripping my eardrums and there were flashing neon lights. There were many couples and almost everyone was dancing madly, without any rhythm. Some people were sitting on couches in corners of the pub. My eyes were searching for hot girls and I wasn't disappointed. The pub was full of ravishing girls who were dancing, some with a glass in their hands. Singles like me were ogling them.

I could never understand the logic of such dancing. I mean, what fun is it at all? Dance like a sensible person if at all you want to dance. The ‘dancers' were making lewd, jerky movements as if struck by electric lightning and were gyrating without any rhythm or beat. Was this what was called dance? Was this the reason they all came to the disco—so that they could move so repulsively?

We stayed on the stage in the centre for some time and then Mayank pulled me towards the bar. He ordered a glass of rum for himself and asked me what I wanted to have. When I said nothing, examining the non-alcoholic drinks menu, the bartender intervened and asked if I'd like to go with a glass of vodka with a shot of lime cordial to ease myself. I avoided his question. I found that even the mocktails were overpriced. I politely refused, patting my back pocket and thinking of the 3000 bucks I had thoughtlessly spent the other day. My only consolation was the fact that I had a hairstyle that matched many of those muscled hunks sitting on couches with the girls. If not muscles, I had hair like theirs. It was a relief! At least the money I had spent did some good. I looked at Mayank sipping his drink and thumping his feet to the music.

He turned towards me and said, ‘They're free.'

‘What?'

‘Drinks.'

‘Really?'

‘Yes. The entry fee includes drinks.'

‘Oh. Great, then I will have a mocktail,' I said to the bartender.

‘Which one?'

‘Any of them. Whichever is your favourite.'

‘Try this,' and he started preparing a glass for me.

‘Mayank, tell me one thing. I was wondering how these people manage this pub. I mean, Rs 1000 for everything, including drinks! How do they make a profit?'

‘Dude, are ya kidding me? What has got into your head? Don't talk like a bloody lunatic,' He looked at me disdainfully. His lips were wet with rum and he was almost on the verge of spitting a mouthful into my face. ‘I tell you, you're one nutcase! Why at all do ya have to bother how they manage the pub or how much profit they're gonna make? If you're so interested about calculating their profits, why don't you join them as their general manager? Or you might as well give your CV to them and they may hire you rightaway. That way you could also ogle girls from the counter and keep ogling them your whole life!'

I felt embarrassed at his outburst.

‘Arre yaar, I just asked generally. Why are you getting angry at me? Okay, sorry. I was just curious.'

That was really a stupid question and I had just asked the wrong question to the wrong person. I mean, why did it even occur to me? I scolded myself and thought for a moment if I was really the odd one out. I could never be in a situation without analysing its unnecessary details. I must get rid of this way of thinking. I shook my head and started checking out the girls dancing on the floor. All of them were pretty and I was desperate owl. I wished I could turn my head 180 degrees!

Then suddenly there was a sweet voice from behind me, ‘Hey!' I immediately turned towards it.

There stood a lovely, curvy girl. She was clad in a shiny golden skirt and a fawn top which revealed her deep cleavage. A bra strap was carelessly displayed across her collarbone. I wondered why so many girls here showed off their undergarments. Was it an open invitation to men? But I couldn't risk ruining Mayank's mood again by asking him this. Also, I didn't want to lose my own chance with this pretty girl. She wore heavy make-up that highlighted her cheekbones and her lips were painted deep red. Her large, expressive eyes were lined with mascara, and she had mid-length straight hair. Her arms and legs were waxed and glowed in the dim, changing light. She must have taken hours to dress up and would have spent her entire afternoon in the parlour. What else did girls do here except spend their time and money in the parlour. Though guys too spent half their day in the gym.

The girl extended her hands towards Mayank and I could see an ornate ring glinting on her middle finger. She almost stole my breath away and I felt my chest getting heavy.

I looked at Mayank. His eyes sparkled.

‘Hey, Aleena,' and he shook her hand. ‘What a pleasant surprise! After a long time.' It was a pleasant shock for me as well.

‘Mayank knows her? What the hell! How does he know such a sexy girl? He doesn't even look all that great.'

My reverie broke when Mayank introduced her to me.

‘Aleena, this is my friend Sameer.'

She smiled her killer smile and extended her hand.

‘Hi, Sam.'

‘Sam'? Whoa, that was fast. But it felt nice. In fact, every word she uttered felt like honey flowing from her lips. I had to secure my chance before the moment passed. I grabbed her hands. I suddenly thought of Gaurav as his ghost hovered in front of my eyes against the walls of the bar. He seemed to smile and I felt his words turning into reality. Beautiful girls in beautiful pubs! Her hands were soft and I could, in that moment, drown myself in her eyes. I immediately started thinking of the future. We would be married and have twenty kids and she would still look as ravishing as now. Though our handshake had lasted not more than five seconds, I had already devised plans with her for eternity. She demurely pulled out of my grip and smiled mischievously. I smiled back meekly and felt like a physics experiment gone wrong.

‘Hi Aleena.' And the conversation stopped there itself while I pondered on what to say further. My mouth went dry. She stroked my shoulders and went and sat near Mayank. They were soon engaged in their own chit-chat and I stood there helplessly.

What do I do now? How do I carry forward the conversation? Should I ask her to dance? Would that do any good? I thought I was going crazy. But I had never learnt how to dance. What would I do with her? I felt like a fool and as if the wires to my brain were cut midway. I was embarrassed and shrunk within myself like a mole.

Gaurav, fuck you, man! You just told me to groom myself and go to a pub but never told me what to do after that, how to introduce myself to a girl and what to say beyond a ‘hi'. I was stranded midway. Perhaps Gaurav wasn't confident that I would be able to pass through the test of entering a pub and meeting a sexy girl. I was busy contemplating on my disabilities and cursing Gaurav under my breath and didn't even realize that my dreams breaking up just in front of me. Aleena was joined by another muscled hunk, whose shirt, it seemed, would tear any moment if he flexed his arms. She told Mayank that he was her new boyfriend and that they had met just a week back. I felt the same balloon puncturing itself with a small swoosh somewhere deep inside. I felt like running away and escaping into the woodwork and never coming out of it. I felt like a failure.

As usual, nothing else happened after that in the pub. I felt morose and couldn't say a single word. It was midnight and I had nothing to do. On reaching home, I looked at myself in the mirror and scanned as many defects I could locate on my face, from the oddly placed mole to the jagged vein running down my jaw. And then, when I grew tired of my self-reproach, I shrugged off my T-shirt and flung it on the and buried my face into the pillow. I felt miserable. And with that misery stinging deep in my heart I went off to sleep.

In the weeks that passed, I thought of clearing my mind and considering my stupidity. This was once again a temporary phase of realization that came and went like a gust of strong wind that knocks you off your feet. But once it is gone you would rather move out to the window and have a smoke, preparing to set the curtains on fire when this phase next hits you.

I switched on my laptop and logged in to an online book site. I was on an overdrive of ambition. I scanned the site with eyes as big as buttons for books that would give me the perfect entry to the best MBA course. But as I did so, I felt my drive wearing out to lethargy. I started checking out books like
101 Ways of Mending a Broken Heart
as also
10 Easy Ways of Winning the Girl
. I ended up ordering them.

The next day, when the delivery boy landed up at my doorstep carrying the parcels, I thrust the cash into his hands and tore off the wrapper. I had finished fifty pages by the evening but the book was all about finding flaws in myself, and gave a truckload of superfluous advice, from going out to movies with friends to clubbing and dancing with other girls at night, concluding with a section on one-night stands.

For the next few days, a wave of enthusiasm hit me again and I tried to get on track, checking websites having their panel discussions on entering the best college. And doing the kind of research to ensure my 99.99 percentile in the CAT exam at least this time. But the more I thought about this, the more I found myself drifting into random conversations with random people on Facebook the whole night long, listening to their stupid tragedies and sharing some of mine, fictionalizing bits and pieces. Days went by and weeks too, until one morning I was pulled up with a real ‘wake-up' call.

The next day, I woke up to the violent vibrations of my phone. I had been sound asleep. It must have been vibrating for quite a long time. I opened an eye and checked the number. It was from Dad.

‘Hello,' I almost managed to croak.

‘Hello, Sameer? You are still sleeping?'

‘Yes. It's Sunday.'

‘So what?'

‘Dad, tell me what is the matter? I slept very late night yesterday.'

‘It's ten in the morning. Late night? Why? Were you studying for your MBA entrance exams? How is your preparation going on?'

‘It's going good,' I lied. I knew that Dad wasn't going to ask any more questions it.

‘Very good. It's the only hope for us. You know it is getting more and more difficult to get through to a good institute. I don't feel good telling you all these things, beta, but you are sensible and can understand the difficulties and strife that we have gone through. Though you are the youngest, I have treated you as my eldest. You know, the house is in a shambles. On top of that, the owner is that asking us to vacate it as soon as possible. My other worry is that I stay here in a different district and your Bhaiya–Bhabhi stay someplace else. Your mother and sister are really alone. I do not want any adversity to strike them, you see. You understand, beta.' He sounded defeated and I felt sorry for what he was going through. ‘We now only hope that once you get through a good MBA in a good institute we can then think of mending all our troubles. Plus your sister too needs to marry off soon. I hope it is a matter only of two to three years more and then perhaps everything will be in order. Your mother too thinks and hopes the same, beta.'

I knew this was a serious issue and I was the only one who could solve everyone's problems. For the last few months, Dad hadn't received his full salary and now they needed to vacate the house. It was annoying and I felt burdened with guilt and remorse at the same time. I wondered how they would solve the problem. I couldn't possibly go to my hometown and help them find a new house. I had just joined work and wouldn't get leave under any circumstances. My sister's marriage was also getting delayed, and that, of course, was another cause of worry for my parents. And I was wasting my time chasing girls like a mad, inglorious dog. I felt ashamed of myself and more so for wasting so much of money when I should be concentrating on helping my family. Dad's voice broke something in my heart and I felt it melting like a heavy slab of ice. I choked and felt my eyes welling up. The thought of unrequited love too pierced me bit by bit and perhaps that is why I acted so desperate, so restless. Everything had escaped me in this quest for pleasure which for some time I thought to be the ultimate portal to love. I must not waste myself on such volatile emotions anymore. I was the only hope for my parents. There was nothing else that I could think of at that moment.