“And you know,” she continued, after Felix had reluctantly
admitted Emery’s talent, “our team works really well. I’d hate to disrupt that.
I’m not sure we could be as effective with someone else in that slot.”
“And most of all,” she finished, blue eyes wide and sincere
and looking straight at Felix, “I’m concerned that not everyone would stay if
Emery left. Getting rid of him, if it were perceived as a move to save money by
hiring someone cheap and not as good, would be a signal that I don’t think
you’d want to send.”
“Oh, I’d never do that,” Felix blustered. “Of course, if you
feel that way about it . . . But you’d better talk to him. He can’t get away
with being so disrespectful.”
“You’re right, of course. And I will definitely bring it up
with him. But,” she offered cheerfully, “I thought on the whole, the meeting
went very well, didn’t you? I’m excited about the new lines.”
With relief, she saw that he was willing to let her shift
the conversation, and she soon had him in his low-slung sports car and on his
way. Giving herself a mental shake, she turned around and headed back into the
building.
I need a glass of wine, she thought. A big glass of wine.
And a bubble bath.
Back in the building, Emery was whacking his head
theatrically on the “Stress Relief Device: Bang Head Here” sign on the wall of
the office Hannah shared with Beth. The sign got a workout every time Felix
came in.
“Bikinis!” he moaned. “Hannah, you fool, why haven’t you
realized the potential of . . . the Brazilian Thong in the fitness market?
Fio
dental,
the dental floss bikini! How did I miss that it was triathlon
gear?”
“Yes,” Hannah said severely, “but you were bad, Emery. You
know you were. OK, I’ll admit, I had a hard time not laughing. But it isn’t actually
a bad idea, once we water it down a bit. And you shouldn’t set him off like
that. Can’t you be just a little more tactful? Could you wait two seconds
instead of the words coming into your head and right out of your mouth? You’re
going to push him too far one of these days. And I might not be able to save
you.”
“I can’t help it,” Emery complained. “You know as well as I
do, the guy’s an idiot. I swear, I’m self-medicating before the next Ordeal.”
“I don’t like them any more than you do,” Beth put in. “But
we
are
lucky he’s not here every day. At least he knows that we know how
to do our jobs, and he lets us do them, more or less.”
“You’re right,” Hannah sighed as she sank into her chair,
kicked off her shoes, and wiggled her toes. “We aren’t going to get this kind
of experience anyplace else. Put in the years, grow the company, move up. That’s
our plan.”
An hour later, relaxing at last in that bubble bath, Hannah
reluctantly admitted that it was getting harder to keep the plan in mind. It
had all seemed so straightforward seven long years ago, when she had been an
eager new college graduate with ambition and energy to burn. These past few months,
though, she had begun to question her goals. It wasn’t just the stress, the
twelve-hour days, and the trouble she’d been having in getting to sleep. It was
the tiny tic at the corner of her eye that flickered all day to remind her that
she wasn’t as firmly in control as she thought.
She needed a vacation, that was all. And she was going to
get one. She began to make plans in her head, and to feel more cheerful.
“New Zealand.” She said the words out loud. Three weeks in
New Zealand.
When she’d told her friends about the trip, they’d been
surprised, even a little shocked.
“By yourself?” her best friend Susannah had asked, when
Hannah had first mentioned it during their weekly phone call. “Will that be any
fun for you?”
“I can see that it wouldn’t be fun for
you,”
Hannah
had responded, “but you know, not all of us are blissfully married to Dream
Boy. And actually,” she said more seriously, “I think the going-alone part
might be what I’m looking forward to most. I probably seem selfish, but
everything’s been pulling at me lately. I have a good job, great friends, a
wonderful family. But . . . I don’t know. I think I need some time by myself.
Some space to see what I want, without any demands or any schedule, even a
friend with me. Can you see what I mean?”
“Well,” Susannah answered dryly, “I can certainly see why
you want to escape your wonderful family for a while.”
“You know it’s true,” she insisted as Hannah made a sound of
protest. “You’re the only twenty-something I know with teenagers.”
“You know I don’t have teenagers,” Hannah objected. “And
they might still be searching, but they’re good kids.”
“Kids? You’re only three years older than Kristen, you know.
And yes, I think it’s great that you’re doing something for yourself for once. Anyway,
being in New Zealand in summer sure sounds more appealing than staying here and
watching it rain.”
“I think New Zealand could be rainy too, in November. But
it’ll be exotic, Southern Hemisphere rain. A whole different proposition.
Anyway, I haven’t had a day off since Christmas, so three weeks sounds great.
And the beach sounds even better—even in the rain. Felix was pretty upset when
I told him how long I’d be gone, but I’m afraid if I don’t get away, he might
not have me here at all. I suspect he could see that.”
“It’s good for him,” Susannah answered roundly. “He takes
advantage of you. Let him be without you for a few weeks and see how much you
do. And who knows? You might meet somebody cute. A vacation romance. Wouldn’t
that be great?”
“Right,” Hannah scoffed. You’ve known me for, what, ten
years now? How likely is that? You know I’m no good at casual. And I might just
remind you that I’ve been in a dry spell that’s lasted, oh, quite a while now.”
“I know, honey,” Susannah said, serious now. “But it isn’t
good for you to shut yourself away like that. You should at least be dating
more. And don’t tell me you don’t meet anyone,” she overrode Hannah’s
objection. “Because I know you do. You’re so pretty. I know guys are
interested. It’s good to be picky, but do you think you give them enough of a
chance?”
“It’s the hair thing, that’s all,” Hannah answered glumly.
“Sometimes I think I should cut it off. Ugh, dating. Too hard.”
“OK, first, it’s not just the hair. I don’t think you ever
even look at yourself. And second, getting involved with someone isn’t supposed
to make your life harder. It’s supposed to make it easier. If you ever got
something back from your family instead of having to step up all the time,
you’d know that.”
“Well, whatever the case, nobody can say I haven’t got
something back from you. The best thing Berkeley ever did for me was give you
to me as a roommate. But I’ll have to take your word about the benefits of
romance for now, and enjoy my vacation by myself.”
And now she was only ten days away from that three-week
vacation. She couldn’t wait.
The following evening, Hannah was reminding herself of her
vacation again. This was becoming a habit. She was on the phone once more with
Kristen, commiserating over Loser No. 9.
“You’ll be proud of me,” Kristen was saying. “I did go in to
work both days like you said, even though I wanted to take time off. Although
you know, Becky at my store took two days off last year when her cat died. So I
think losing my boyfriend would entitle me to a sick day. Breakups are the
worst thing for your mental health. You’d know that if you dated more.”
Ouch. Hannah knew that her little sister’s occasional digs
came from her insecurity, and reminded herself that she understood and loved
Kristen—and that she wouldn’t want to trade places, despite her own less-than-exciting
love life.
“Is Becky still working there, then?” she asked innocently.
“Well, no,” Kristen admitted. “She got fired, because she
took too many days off. But I
told
you, Hannah, that was for her
cat.
Not a
breakup.”
“Anyway,” Hannah told her firmly, “I
am
proud of you
for going in to work. You’ve showed them that you’re reliable. You know how
important that is. And you sound like you’re doing much better today.”
“I am doing better, I guess. But I still don’t understand
it. Why did Todd do that to me? I mean, he slept with my
friend.
At
least I thought she was my friend. I guess she wasn’t. And then he didn’t even
act sorry when I found out. He said he’d wanted to break up anyway. And now I
have to go look for a new apartment, and everything. I can’t keep sleeping on
Trish’s couch much longer.”
“Just think, though,” Hannah coaxed. “Now you have the
chance to start over, find a new place and fix it up, use all that taste of
yours. But do you think that maybe Todd just wasn’t man enough, not ready to be
a grownup? That was a lousy thing to do, and if I were there, I’d sure be
tempted to tell him what I think of him. But maybe you guys went a little fast.
Maybe you didn’t know him as well as you thought you did.”
“I know. You’re right. I went too fast. I
always
go
too fast, don’t I? But I was sure, this time. He was so cute, and he told me I
was beautiful and took me out all the time, remember?”
“No thanks to him for that. Since you’re the most beautiful
woman any of those losers is ever likely to see. And a whole lot better person
than they deserve. Sweetie, maybe it’d be good to wait a while before you date
somebody else. Maybe this is a chance to take a break. Because don’t you think
this is a pattern? Before Todd, didn’t Steve do something very similar? And
then Alex . . .”
“I know, I know,” sighed Kristen. “You don’t have to remind
me, I’m a screwup with men. I just can’t seem to find the right guy. And I
know, you’re going to tell me now to concentrate on my career. But I don’t
want
to be you, Hannah. I want someone to love, who’ll love me back. I don’t want
to be all competent and powerful like you, and alone.”
Ouch again. “I’m not exactly a 45-year-old virgin, Kristen,”
Hannah reprimanded her sister, unable to repress a flash of hurt and annoyance.
“I do date. And there’s nothing wrong with being able to take care of yourself.
You’re doing great at the store. I’m so proud of you. You’re not a screwup. But
our childhood messed us up. Me as well as you and Matt. It’s up to us to fix
it, and we can do that if we try hard enough. Speaking of which, did you ever call
that therapist?”
“No. But maybe I should now, huh?”
“I think it’d be a good idea. You don’t have to go lie on a
couch for two years, you know. Just go talk to her a few times, see if it
helps. Then you can decide if you want to go any more. Because I won’t be
around to talk to for a while. And anyway, I’m sure I tell you all the wrong
things sometimes. Will you try it, just so I feel better while I’m gone?”
“OK,” Kristen said with another sigh. “I promise, I’ll call
her tomorrow. But it’s going to be weird, having you gone so long. I’ll miss
you. And I know you think I’m selfish and don’t appreciate you, but it’s not
true. Matt and I both know how much you’ve done for us. And that we make you
crazy when we mess up.”
“But Hannah,” she burst out, “don’t you ever get tired of
being so responsible all the time? Don’t you ever want to be impulsive, and buy
shoes you can’t afford just because they’re so pretty, and drink too much, and
go to bed with Mr. Right Now, and call in sick to work just once, when you’re
not? It’s like you aren’t even normal, sometimes.”
“Gee, you make it sound so attractive,” Hannah laughed. “No,
I have to say that I don’t get tired of being responsible. I like knowing I
have things under control. I don’t feel comfortable if I’m out on the edge. I
guess we’re different, that’s all.”
But after she had exchanged good-nights with Kristen and hung
up, Hannah thought about what her sister had said. Wasn’t she just a little
tired of always being in control? No, not exactly that, she decided. What she
had told Kristen was true. She had certainly never seen the attraction of
getting drunk. But maybe she needed to broaden her horizons, take some risks.
Maybe she’d take surfing lessons on vacation, she thought.
Then laughed at herself. Learning a new skill probably wasn’t what Kristen had had
in mind.
The next week was a blur of activity as Hannah labored to
get everything in order so she could leave the office for three weeks. She knew
it would be worth the effort, but she was feeling drained as she sat with Beth
and Emery on her last day, making final plans.
“So we’ve gone through the product and catalog schedule. Do
you have everything you need for the Friday meetings with Felix, Beth?”
“You’ve left us so many notes, I think we’re prepared for
everything short of nuclear war,” Beth assured her. “Emery and I can handle
things. Nothing momentous is going on right now. I’ll take care of the web sale
and coordinate with the stores, we’ll work on the new product line and the
catalog, and when you come back, we’ll be on schedule, you’ll see.”
Hannah smiled at her in gratitude. “I know I can leave it to
you guys,” she said. “You’re the best.”
“What did Felix say when you told him you wouldn’t even have
a cell phone on your trip?” Emery asked eagerly. “Did his face go all purple
again? I love it when it does that.”
“Well, I don’t think he was thrilled. But I told him I
needed a real break in order to come back refreshed and ready to put in my best
effort over the Christmas season. And that distracted him. I will find a way to
check my emails from time to time, though. If anything does come up that you need
my help on, you know you can ask.”
“You just enjoy your vacation,” Beth told her firmly. “You
deserve it. You’ve covered for the two of us often enough. We’re prepared. We
can handle things. You need to have faith in us.”