Kaleidoscope Hearts (40 page)

“It was an IED. I’m sorry.” Mark says as his eyes glimmer with unshed tears.

I fall.

But he’s there cradling me in his arms. “I’m so fucking sorry.”

“No. No. No.” Mark holds me as I sob clutching my stomach. “You’re lying,” I say struggling out of his embrace.

“I wish I was,” he says as I struggle to get up.

“It was a mistake. He’s having a baby. He said it was a simple in and out!” I scream and throw my hands against his chest. “You’re lying!” I say even knowing it’s not a lie.

“I’m sorry.”

“Stop saying you’re sorry!” I hate him. I hate everyone in this moment. I hate Aaron and everyone who was there. I hate this house and everything in it. I hate the air that he no longer breathes. Hate consumes me. Hate smothers me. “Get out!” I yell and push against his chest. “Get the fuck out of my house! Aaron will be back in a few days and then we’re going to get ready for our daughter to be born.”

“Please,” Mark beseeches and I see the pain in his eyes.

“He’ll be back. He wouldn’t leave me. He promised.” There’s a part of me that’s unwilling to believe this. Aaron wouldn’t lie to me. He never does. When he left for missions he would always say goodbye like it could be our last. But this time he kissed the tip of my nose and said: “Now don’t have that baby until I get back.”

“Can I call someone? Your mom?”

“Go get him, Mark! Go get my husband and bring him home.” I back up pointing my finger at him. “You all promised. He promised.” I clutch my stomach as a sharp pain radiates but it’s nothing compared to the pain in my chest. Tears flow relentlessly as I struggle against his hold. “He promised.”

“I know he did,” Mark says as he holds my head against his chest.

My life is gone.

My heart is dead.

I’m a widow at twenty-seven.

~Three Months Later ~

“Aaron Gilcher was a man who left this Earth too soon. He was a loving husband, father to his unborn child, and a friend,” the priest speaks softly. “We are gathered today to say goodbye but not farewell. He will live in our hearts as long as we hold onto him.” A sob escapes my chest. I can’t hold it in. My stomach drops with he realization that he’s gone. He’s really gone and this solidifies it. The final piece of a puzzle that I was desperate to not put together.

I feel hands grasp my shoulders and squeeze I don’t need to look to know. Jackson and Mark are at my back on either side. Protecting me when my husband no longer can. My mother grips my hand while my father holds Aarabelle.

“Lord, please lift the hearts around us and grant them peace during this time. Help us to remember Aaron and give us a sense of calm knowing he’s in your arms.” He finishes the prayer and the part I’ve dreaded is next.

“Lee, I’m right here,” Mark whispers from behind me.

I nod because if I allow myself to speak I know I won’t be able to control the coming sounds.
Be strong, this will all be over soon.

The honor guard that stood off to the side rounds in front of me. I know the four of them. They were his friends, his brothers, and now they have to give me the last thing any wife wants to ever hold in her hands.

The emotions are shoved down deep but I can see in his former best friend’s eyes how much pain he’s in. Liam flew in from California to be here. He was Aaron’s closest friend. They graduated BUDs together. The news of Aaron’s death rocked him but he vowed to be here.

Liam and Jeff pull the flag taut as I try to keep my eyes open, but I can’t. I hear the flapping of the fabric being slapped tight. I inhale and focus on exhaling. The pain that radiates from my chest is unbearable. I’m being torn apart from the inside out.

I feel my mother squeeze my hand. I look up to see Aaron’s former chief kneel before me. “Natalie, on behalf of the President of the United States and the Chief of Naval Operations, please accept this flag as a symbol of our appreciation for your loved one’s service to this Country and a grateful Navy.”

Tears fall uncontrollably as my heart falters. His hand extends and I know I need to take it. I have to … but I can’t move my hands. I lift the one and it trembles as I nod. When he places the flag on my hand resting on my lap I sob again.
This can’t really be happening.
I mean I’ve known for three months he was dead but this…this flag is it. It’s the final nail in the coffin, proving this isn’t a lie.

My hand falls. I look in his eyes as another tear splatters on my skin.

“I’m sorry, Natalie. Aaron was a great man.”

“Thank you,” I somehow manage to say.

I close my eyes and drop my head.

How is this my life? Why did this happen? How do I go on? All of these questions float through me and churn like an angry black cloud.

I hear the sounds of crying all around me but none of it matters. No one can know the extreme agony I’m living right this moment. Losing the love of my life, the father of my child eats me alive. My life was exactly as I wanted it. It tears through my body taking anything good and swallowing it whole.

Fuck life.

Fuck love and fuck everyone who told me they were sorry.

I look over at my baby sleeping in her grandfather’s arms. I have Aarabelle. I have a beautiful girl who needs her mother.

Glancing around I look at the others who grieve the loss of this amazing man. The SEALs begin their ritual. I’ve watched and pitied wives who had to sit through it. I wasn’t having to suffer that moment, yet here I am.

Senior Chief Wolfel steps forward and removes his trident from his chest. He steps toward the urn, where a wooden chest sits beside it. He stands there for a moment before pressing it into the box and pounds it. The sound of the metal piercing the wood travels through my soul. It’s as if it were penetrating me.

He turns to the urn and salutes.

One down, twenty more to go.

“I’m sorry for your loss, Aaron was a great man.” Another member of Aaron’s former team says to me. I nod unable to speak knowing the sound that will breach the air again is imminent. Over and over the men approach me, apologize and then pound their pins into the box.

I can’t do this.

I start to shift but Mark’s hands hold tight. Before I can think Liam steps forward. His crystal blue eyes are bloodshot as he tries to hold it together. It’s apparent he’s shaken. The bond between Aaron and Liam was unbreakable. “Lee, I …” he stops and swallows. I place my hand on his giving him a sign that I don’t need his words. I know what he’s feeling. The loss is evident in his eyes.

“I know,” I say softly. His head bows forward and touches my hand. I place my other hand on the back of his head and I feel him shake.

“He was my brother,” Liam says as another tear falls from my cheek.

“I-I.” The stuttering of my words are all I can get out while he stares at me.

He takes a second and draws a deep breath, stands and walks over to the box. Liam refused to accept Aaron’s death since there was very little to identify him. He wanted to believe he was alive somewhere but I knew. I felt it. I knew when his soul left the earth because I felt hollow.

I glance at my daughter once more. She lies completely unaware that she’ll never have the comfort of a father. I was fortunate to have the man who rocked me and held me when I was in pain, hold her now. If I could go back in time and ask my daddy to hold me now and tell me it’ll be okay. She’s safe and secure while I feel open and exposed.

Gazing at the sailor who stands before the urn, I close my eyes and try to dispel the thoughts that assault me. I’ve lost him after all this time. The years of wonder and dread while he was active duty I endured. Only to have a false sense of security when he left the Navy. Now look where all that comfort landed me.

Finally the last pin enters the box and I look up to see Jackson with his head hanging. The guilt he carries for sending Aaron to his death is insurmountable but I know Aaron wouldn’t have had it any other way. He wanted to die with valor and honor. If it were Jackson or Mark who died he would’ve wished it were him. However, now my daughter and I pay the price for his choices.

I look at the crowd and see the faces of his friends and family. His mother who sobs uncontrollably next to his father. She’s drowning in her grief as she buries her only son. Former sailors who served beside him and friends from Cole Securities sit grief stricken over his loss.

There are a few faces I don’t recognize. A pretty blond stands to the side wiping her eyes, a brunette who I assume is Catherine mourns in Jackson’s arms. There are so many people, so many uniforms it’s a sea black. Aaron was a loved man so I’m not surprised but no one loved him more than me.

Today is the last day I can feel sorrow, the last day I will shed tears because tears don’t change anything. I need to garner whatever strength I have and hold it tight. I’m a mother who has an infant that needs me to be both mom and dad.

One day they say. One day this will stop hurting.

Lies.

This will never be okay or stop hurting.

I’ll never be the same. The woman before died the minute the knock on the door came. Now we have strong, resilient, and void Natalie. I’m a shell of the woman I was. The woman who was loving, open, and full of hope is gone. Hope is a weak bitch who could give two fucks about what you want. So I rely on faith.

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