Karna's Wife (22 page)

Uruvi gave him a helpless look, and with an abrupt movement, sprang to her feet. ‘The problem is that I am just as much in love with him now as I was then,’ she said and paused. ‘Does love make you so vulnerable and powerless, Father?’

‘No. It makes one strong. It has given you forbearance and courage. It is not what has happened or what will happen that is relevant; what you do in the
now
is significant. That defines your karma.’

Surprisingly, her mother backed her father’s advice. Uruvi remembered, with a twisted smile, when her mother had come face to face with her son-in-law at the swayamwara hall. Uruvi had expected her to give him a frosty greeting but her mother’s face had shown a gamut of fleeting emotions. Royal breeding clashed with her animosity, her social grace battled bravely with the contempt she had for the young man, but then an expression of affable welcome veiled her dismay and dislike admirably. Uruvi had wondered if Karna had been able to catch how unforgiving her mother’s expression was, concealed by the facade of politeness. She was assessing him. Her mother wore the same look now. She was trying to assess her.

‘So you have decided to leave and not face the consequences, have you?’ She was passing the verdict already. She paused and added gently, ‘But Uruvi, you couldn’t be happy without him, you can’t exist without him! You said that no woman could want a better husband—and you went ahead to prove to us and the world that’s how it was. And this I have to admit, Karna has always been kindness itself to you. He is a decent man. And you loved him madly once.’

Uruvi looked at her mother squarely. ‘I still love him, Mother. It’s not that I have left him forever—our society wouldn’t permit me, would all of you? I only came here to rethink,’ she stopped abruptly, suddenly weary of explaining her actions and confusion. ‘I just need some time, some space…Mother, please, I don’t have the will to argue with you. You were right; I was wrong,’ she sighed deeply. She passed her hand over her eyes.

‘No, I think you were correct and I was wrong all along,’ her mother refuted quietly. ‘Neither Arjuna nor any of the Pandavas would have been right for you or for any woman for that matter!’

Uruvi was startled; her mother was in the throes of intense anger, her cheeks glowing an angry red. ‘Mother, what do you mean?’

‘I am thankful now that you refused to marry Arjuna…or it could have been you, instead of Draupadi who would have been disrobed at the Hastinapur royal hall!’

‘Mother!’

‘I keep thinking that had you been Arjuna’s wife, what could he have given you? Disgrace? Humiliation?’ Queen Shubra asked heatedly. ‘The five Pandavas put together could not protect Draupadi in her hour of distress. The cowards kept quiet and watched the outrage!’ her mother said with disdain. ‘I am grateful that I did not give my daughter to a man who cannot defend his wife, and I am sorry to say that I did not realize this earlier. You were smarter than I thought, Uruvi.’

Uruvi was completely taken aback; her mother’s tirade left her speechless. She was surprised that her mother was now endorsing her decision to marry Karna.

‘Was I, Mother?’ Uruvi looked disconsolate. Slowly, she glanced back at her mother, and in her eyes, unmistakably, gleamed a look of irony. Her mother was vexed and disturbed. Uruvi thoughtfully touched the bangles on her wrist. Her coolness troubled her mother, so she stopped in front of Uruvi and faced her, taking her hands in hers.

‘You condemn Karna for what he did, but Uruvi, can’t you see what the Pandavas so shamefully allowed to happen at the Kuru hall? People insist that it was devious of Duryodhana and Shakuni to swindle poor Yudhishthira in the dice game. But how morally correct was Yudhishthira when, as a king, he pawned his kingdom away? What right did he have to play with his kingdom and his subjects? Worse than that, as a husband, he staked his wife for a game. And when she was being stripped, he kept shockingly silent just as her other husbands did. Spineless wretches, how could they allow it?
That
is shameful! And as a mother, I am happy that I was wrong about those Pandavas! On that day, I thanked God that you were Karna’s wife and not Arjuna’s!’

Uruvi’s impassive face twisted into a sardonic smile. ‘It was a hall of shame, Mother,’ she murmured desolately. ‘Each one of them was morally wrong—Bhishma Pitamaha, Guru Dronacharya, Kripacharya, King Dhritrashtra, Vidura, the Pandavas—and yes, my husband—every one of them! They were guilty of participating in a heinous offence. They watched and preferred to do nothing, neither protesting nor protecting Draupadi. The only one who did not transgress is possibly Vikarna, who was sensitive and brave enough to warn the others that what was happening was so awfully wrong. The others silently watched a crime happen in front of their eyes and did nothing. They simply turned their heads away. All of them behaved shamefully, Mother.’

‘Yes, all the more reason for the Pandavas to have stood up for Draupadi. Why didn’t they? What could have happened? Not anything worse than what actually did take place! I would have respected the Pandavas more had they picked up their weapons and challenged the abettors of the crime. In the cloak of nobleness and virtuosity, they favoured silence and servility instead. Cowards!’ she said fiercely. ‘I admit Karna was not the husband I would have wished for you, but over the months, I accepted him, the sole reason being you were so happy with him. And that’s what matters. He loves you in his own odd way, and more importantly, he keeps you happy. After hearing about what happened at the Kuru Raj Sabha, I don’t think Arjuna or any of the Pandavas could have made you happy. The important factor for any parent is that her child is contented with whomsoever she marries and I confess Karna has emerged more suitable than I could have ever imagined! That’s why I shan’t allow you to wallow in needless condemnation. As a wife, would you have pardoned your husband who doesn’t have the guts to defend you or would you excuse a man who dishonours a woman in a vindictive payback? I think you are being foolishly upright. Don’t be so heartless and don’t be so hard on yourself. And think of the baby.’

Uruvi winced—she couldn’t let herself forget this reality. ‘What kind of world am I going to bring my child into, Mother?’ she asked despairingly. ‘The future seems so bleak!’

‘The future is never ours to see,’ Queen Shubra placed a placating hand on her daughter’s shoulder. ‘You can never know what is going to happen. But you can steer the present forward in such a way that it gives you enough dignity and courage to face your future, however unpleasant it may be. Make your present a better way of living. That makes the world easier to live in too,’ she added in a soothing tone.

After her mother gave her this sensible advice, Uruvi decided to give herself some time. She tried to push Karna from her thoughts but he kept haunting her. She missed him but she concentrated on her unborn child instead. Her days spent at Pukeya waiting for the baby to arrive were probably more restful than the emotional turmoil of the last few days. She was considerably at peace now; she knew what she needed to do. She gossiped with her mother and laughed with her father. She gathered enough cheerfulness within her to giggle with her friends about becoming a mother soon.

But the rawness in her heart was intolerable. She couldn’t help thinking about Karna and the turbulent days, weeks and months that had separated them. She wondered how he had reacted to her sudden flight to Pukeya. A wisp of unease troubled her. Would he be on the lookout for her? Would he come to Pukeya? Had he given up on her or did he think she would return soon? She looked out of the window almost every hour of the day.

Then one early morning, she saw his chariot racing down the dusty path. Her heart leapt with unbridled joy and she realized with a start how much she had longed to see him. She saw him leap down from the chariot and stride purposefully inside. She scanned the corridor anxiously. He was taking ages to come up the stairs. What was he doing? Was he talking with her father? Was he being castigated by her mother? Uruvi could feel herself getting increasingly agitated and she wanted to race down the stairwell to meet him. But pride and prudence stopped her and she decided to wait for him instead. She could not see him anywhere, so she paced restlessly in her room.

And then, all at once, he was there—in all his splendour. He was coming up from the landing when he saw her. His fleeting glance of amazement was followed by an expression of delight, to be swiftly traded by his usual shuttered look. Uruvi wanted to rush to him and throw her arms around him. But she sat rooted to her chair, her eyes drinking him in thirstily.

No thoughts filtered through her mind, no words emanated from her lips. She looked up at him instead, her eyes clear and steadfast, her lips frozen. He looked bewildered, but comprehension slowly dawned on him. She was resolute in her stance; with her head held straight and high, her chin jutting out proudly, she looked ominously calm.

‘You are still very angry with me?’ he asked squarely.

She looked at him with clear, candid eyes. ‘Never. Ever. I realize I can’t be angry with you for long. It’s my failing.’

He whispered hoarsely, ‘I have come to take you back. Have you forgiven me?’ There was a desperate plea in his voice.

‘I don’t blame you. I now understand a little.’

‘Don’t be so kind, Uruvi. I probably don’t deserve your pardon either.’ He gave her a rueful smile.

She stared at the floor and seemed to ponder deeply. She looked pale and thin, her face pinched, and he could see she did not look too well. Her imminent maternity gave her a mature poise. Deep in her eyes was a solemnity that sobered the usual sparkle in her eyes. She didn’t show any bitterness in her behaviour towards him, and instead, seemed happy to meet him. He had not missed the passionate flare of joy lighting up her eyes just a moment ago.

He wanted to gather her in his arms again but something about her stopped him. It was as if, suddenly, they were two strangers in a room. His attempt at reconciliation had left her uncertain and he had not expected much from their meeting anyway. Perhaps it was better to leave her alone, but he wanted her to return to him. He knew he must give her enough time to calm her feelings. After all, she knew how much he loved her; and he knew how devoted she was to him. Perhaps she was still fighting her conflicting emotions, but Karna knew that the moment of truth had arrived. He had seen that glint in her eyes. The look in her eyes scared him; he saw fear in them, yet she was serene, in an almost frozen way. Her calmness frightened him and the fear in her eyes puzzled him, intensifying into a state of agitation. He wished she would make a scene, hurl angry words at him, scream at him; he could cope with that. He couldn’t handle her inscrutable tranquillity. It was better to have it out.

‘What is it, Uruvi? Tell me,’ he said evenly, preparing himself for the worst.

Uruvi glanced away. Her face grew a trifle paler. ‘I can live with you as your wife, but never as your lover again,’ she looked at him steadily. ‘I can’t stay away longer for that would create another scandal. Yes, I shall come back with the baby because that is expected of me. And I shall return because I love you—I can’t help myself. I can’t stop loving you. But solely as your wife and the mother of our child.’

It took some time for her words to sink in his mind. His heart thudded and he felt himself change colour. He stared emptily from her bedroom window at the clouds floating in the long distance. Dark and thick, they hid the sun, moving slowly with a sluggish deliberateness. ‘Are you punishing yourself or is it a penalty for me?’ he asked softly. ‘Doesn’t it mean anything to you that I love you?’

‘I love you and that’s why I have the courage to do this. I want to tell you again, Karna, that I am not condemning you; you did what you thought appropriate at that moment of time—be it in anger or in the desire to take revenge. I realized this soon enough. That’s why I took time to think in retrospect. My common sense tells me I am over-reacting. But this is not about common sense; my whole mind, my heart and my soul is in torment. I can’t deny and neither can you, that Draupadi will always be there between us. In fact, she was always there but I just didn’t realize it.’

She ignored Karna’s small gesture of protest and continued relentlessly, ‘In some way, you belong to her. And each time you touch me now, she’ll be there, between us.’

She waited for Karna’s denial but it was not uttered. There had been an underlying rationality in her foolish fear after all. ‘I can’t rid myself of that certainty. I thought I would get over it, but I can’t and never shall. Please help me,’ she beseeched sadly.

Exhausted, Karna leaned back against his chair, his eyes shut, the pain distorting his features. It was heart-wrenching to watch the grief on that beautiful face. He buried his face in his hands for a long time and then, at last, looked up at Uruvi despairingly.

‘Oh, my dearest, please don’t look at me like that!’ she cried. ‘I am sorry, I have shattered your life! But I have broken my happiness too…’ He thought her voice trembled slightly.

‘But you loved me. I know it. That’s one thing I believed in more than I believe in myself—that you loved me completely. Can you just stop loving someone?’

‘But I never stopped loving you,’ she said softly. ‘I love you but with love comes respect and that respect has gone.’

Her words crushed him completely. He knew what she had said, what her words meant.

For some minutes, they just sat there, without a word, the silence full of turmoil, the stillness of the night closing in on them. At last he said, ‘I shall go now. Goodbye…until I come to see our baby.’

He did not even touch her hand when he walked away. He stopped, turned and threw a last look at her. She wanted to say one word of comfort, to ask for his forgiveness once more, to soothe him, but she steeled herself and remained silent. He left the room, and she threw herself heavily on the bed, staring with dry eyes at her room, a place where she had once been so blissful, but now was so wretched.