Kate Sherwood - Dark Horse 2.2 - Head Shy (12 page)

Jeff smiles at him. "I still don't know if I like that last one, but she sure pays attention to you."

 

Dan shrugs. "When I've got snacks, sure." He tosses her another piece of meat, busies himself digging around for more. He's aware that he's put a bit of a damper on the lighthearted chat of the evening, but he's
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not quite sure what to do about it. When in doubt, of course… bug Chris.

 

"So, Chrissy—what's with all the questions? You're a bit old to be having an identity crisis, aren't you?"

Chris spreads his hands out in front of him and waggles his eyebrows. "You know me, man, always looking for information. I'm like a walking encyclopedia, is what I am."

"Is
that
what you are? I've been trying to figure out your species for a long time."

 

"Encyclopedicus mobilicus, in the flesh. And a damn fine specimen, too."

 

Dan just shakes his head. "You are almost too weird to be real."

Chris grins like he's won a prize, and he's been eating instead of just picking at his food for the last part of the conversation, so his plate is clean, and he stands up and collects Evan and Jeff's empty plates and carries them over to the sink. He sets them down on the counter and Dan can feel his gaze, but he can't be sure what
kind
of look it is, not without looking over, and Dan doesn't think he wants to do that. So he just keeps picking through the pasta, and he can see Chris's arm move in his peripheral vision, but it's slow, doesn't look like an attack, and that would be pretty unusual anyway, for Chris to just spontaneously whack Dan, with no provocation. Not completely unheard of, but not typical. So he's not expecting to be hit, but he's also not really expecting Chris to rest his hand on top of Dan's head and then ruffle his hair like Dan's one of his nephews.

Dan tolerates it for a bit, but then Chris gets rougher, changes it from a strange sort of caress into a half-assault, wobbling Dan's whole head on his neck, and Dan laughs and elbows Chris in the ribs. "Okay, damn, I
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wouldn't have said you could be weirder, but…." He shrugs away from his friend. "Nice to see you outdoing yourself."

"I'm an achiever, no doubt." Chris checks his watch. "And I hate to eat and run, but I'd better get going—my boss is a total asshole, and I've got to get some sleep before dealing with him tomorrow.”

Evan stands up. "I don't think he's going to be making it in before noon or so, if that helps."

Chris nods appreciatively. "Excellent. So I'll get there by eleven, and the ignorant bastard won't know I was at all late." He smiles happily at Evan, who just shakes his head in amusement before Chris continues. "But, actually, if my car is here…" He turns to Dan. "You staying here? Could you swing by my place tomorrow morning, give me a lift back here to get the truck?"

Dan shrugs. "I can, but I'm working tomorrow—it'll be early.”

 

Chris makes a face. "Well that doesn't sound like a very good plan. Jesus, Dan, think these things through before you start talking."

Evan interjects. "If you're willing to abandon your whole 'beat the boss to work' plan, I can pick you up on the way in, drop you off here either in the morning or after work."

Chris nods. "Maybe after work. We should carpool more—save the environment, and all."

"Stop driving a full-size pickup from your urban apartment to your office job—yeah, that's a step in the right direction." Dan makes sure that his expression shows how many more steps Chris should be taking. "Thanks, Captain Green." Chris sneaks one more hair ruffle in before

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Dan moves away. "Okay, I'm calling the cab, then going to the bathroom, then going away. Brace yourselves to get along without me."

 

Dan sits down at the table next to Jeff. "We'll struggle through."

 

"Be strong." Chris pulls his phone out and steps out to the hall to make the call, with Evan trailing along after him.

 

"Is Evan following Chris to the bathroom?" Dan asks Jeff.

Jeff just smiles. "He's seeing him out, I guess." Jeff reaches a hand out and rests it on the back of Dan's neck. The muscles there are tighter than Dan had realized, and it feels good when Jeff kneads them a little. Jeff's voice is soft when he speaks. "You okay staying tonight? Not feeling claustrophobic?"

Dan leans back into Jeff's hand. "I don't know, are you guys gonna grill me more? Ask more stupid questions I don't have real answers to?" The words are harsh, but Dan keeps his tone soft.

His eyes are closed, but he can hear the smile in Jeff's voice. "Yeah, probably."

Dan huffs out a soft breath. "Yeah." He turns a bit, not enough to dislodge Jeff's hand, but enough that he can see the other man's face. "It really… I mean, yeah, okay, I used to be kinda… I don't know, kinda messed up about sex, I guess. But… okay, yeah, I was stupid about the not bottoming thing, but other than that, I'm over it. Seriously. All better. No need for whatever the hell you guys think you're doing."

Jeff's fingers squeeze a little. "We're just trying to get to know more about you."

 

Dan shakes his head vigorously enough that Jeff's hand falls away.
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"No, you're getting to know stuff about old Dan, but I'm not him anymore. That's… it's done, it's over."

 

Jeff nods carefully. "Yeah, okay, but who he was, what he experienced… it's part of you, now, isn't it?"

 

Dan looks down at his hands braced on his thighs. "Not… not a good part. Not a part you guys need to know about."

 

There's a pause, and then Jeff's voice is firm and strong. "Dan, look at me. Dan, come on.”

 

Dan turns to meet Jeff's gaze, and Jeff leans forward, bringing their faces close together. "Did you kill anybody?"

 

Dan snorts and pulls back, "No, man, I…."

Jeff cuts him off. "Were you cruel, or hurtful to anyone innocent? Children, or animals?" He puts his thumb on Dan's chin and lifts his face back up. "Were you?" Dan shakes his head slowly, and Jeff smiles. "Here's another one—did you do anything that, if you heard Evan or I had done it, you would have trouble forgiving us for?"

Dan thinks for a second, then shakes his head. "No, that's different…." He knows that it is, he can feel that it is, but he can't say why.

"It's different? Yeah, sure." Jeff's voice is still gentle. "Because Evan and I, who were raised in stable, loving homes with strong parents who helped us grow up…
we
get to be forgiven for things. But you…." Jeff looks like he's choosing his words carefully. "Your father abandoned you and became a criminal, your stepfather was an abusive asshole, your mother…." Dan feels his eyes cut up defensively, and Jeff holds up a hand to show that he's aware. "Your mother was sick, I get that, but the overall

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effect was that she didn't defend you, couldn't teach you how to be strong." Dan feels like he can let that interpretation go, and Jeff continues. "You came from that, and you don't get forgiven for making some mistakes?" Jeff's hand is back, running soothingly along Dan's neck. "I don't think I'd care if you
did
kill somebody, Tex, or at least I wouldn't care enough to keep me from…." He catches himself, and both of them turn to the doorway when they hear a rustle of motion.

Evan's standing there, and he's smiling gently. "It wouldn't be enough to keep him from loving you, Dan." Evan looks at Jeff, and Dan's aware that something passes between them, something warm and comforting. Evan moves over and takes the chair on the other side of Dan, but he looks at Jeff for another couple seconds before shifting his attention to Dan and smiling. "Or me. We're both…." He looks back at Jeff as if for confirmation, and apparently he gets it. "We love you. All of you, even the parts we don't know about yet."

Dan lets that sink in. A part of his brain is panicking, screaming at him to get away, to find somewhere to be alone so he can settle down, think this through, figure out what those words mean, how he feels about them… but another part of him is practically purring, telling him to lean back into their strong bodies and stay there forever, warm and safe and… loved. Apparently the two parts cancel each other out, and he ends up sitting perfectly still, Jeff and Evan on either side of him, watching and waiting.

Finally, he speaks, and he doesn't even know what he's going to say until he's saying it, and it's not romantic and it's not about love but it kind of is, and it's the best that he can do. "My first time, first full-on sex with a guy… he was just some guy. I was… I was hitchhiking, and he picked me up, but instead of dropping me off he pulled off into…." He takes a deep breath. "He just pulled over, and you know… it sucked, but…." Another breath, and he's still not able to look at either of them, but at least he's

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getting the words out, so that's something. "You know, it's not like it was a huge trauma or something. It just happened. And, it's not… it's not the other guy's job to make sex good for me, right? I mean, that's my problem." Maybe that's coming out a bit wrong. "But, you know, I've had good sex… I mean, I've bottomed, and it's been fine, I even liked it sometimes, it's just… I usually, when I bottomed… it's like today, at the game, when… I kinda… Justin used to say I put a mask on. And he said it was fine when other people were around, but he didn't like it if it was just us, he didn't like it if we were having sex, he said he wanted to be with
me
… and I just…."

Another deep breath, and now he needs to look at them, make them understand, and he turns to Jeff first, then Evan, and they're both listening, and there's no disgust or disappointment on their faces, so he makes himself continue. "I just thought you guys might feel the same way. Like… you know, like you wouldn't want… but that's stupid, it always took a really long time with Justin, for me to… you know, to relax and be me, or whoever he thought I was, and it's not… it's not like I don't
like
it, I just… you know, I can't really do the whole 'gazing into each other's eyes' thing, not if…." He trails off. That was a lot, and he needs a bit of a break.

They're all quiet for a bit, and then Evan asks, "How old were you?"

It takes Dan a moment to figure out what he's referring to. "The… with that guy? I guess… fifteen, I think?" He's not really sure why that's important. He wonders if Jeff and Evan are missing the point. "But, that was just—I mean, I just told you that because you were asking. Earlier. It's not a big deal. I didn't mean… it's not an excuse or something, I'm not trying to… I mean, having bad sex one time doesn't mean…."

Evan looks like he's trying to hold back his temper, and Dan really isn't sure what he said to make him so mad. He runs back over his words, tries to think of them how Evan would have heard them. "Are you getting
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tired of me talking about Justin too much? I mean, just because he felt one way, I shouldn't have assumed you guys would too—that was stupid."

Evan moves suddenly, and Dan knows he's not attacking, but it's really fast, and he jerks back a little, runs into Jeff's solid chest because apparently he's moved towards Dan too, and then Evan is on his knees and pulling Dan forward, kissing him deep and hard and then pulling away almost as fast. "No, Dan, I'm not tired of you talking about Justin. He's… he's pretty much my hero, man." Evan kisses him again, and Dan lets himself relax a little bit.

Jeff is leaning over Dan too, nuzzling in to his neck from behind. "And you should absolutely assume that we want to be with
you
, not with some mask." His lips curve against Dan's neck. "And even if it takes a really long time, we're… we're good with that. We want to get to the 'gazing into each other's eyes' stage." He nips a little, as if making sure he has Dan's attention. "Okay?"

Evan gives Dan a couple seconds, but when there's no response, he finds his grip in Dan's hair and tilts his head. "Okay, Dan? You heard what Jeff said?" His tone is soft, but his eyes are still stormy.

Dan nods. "Yeah, okay." He frowns questioningly at Evan, still troubled by his apparent anger. "I wasn't trying to make excuses…."

"Jesus, Dan!" Evan shakes his head. "Do you not get how… Jesus! I want to…." He looks over at Jeff. "I want to call up the security department and have them invade Texas and turn it upside down until they find that asshole, and then… I don't know, I'm torn between wanting them to give me twenty minutes alone with him and a baseball bat, or having them take him out to sea and feed him to the damn sharks."

Oh. "It's not… okay, yeah, he was an asshole, but…." "No, Dan." And, okay, Evan's mostly angry at the guy in Texas, but
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apparently he's willing to get fired up at Dan, too. "
Tat's
fifteen.
Fifteen
, Dan. Fifteen is a kid. If somebody did that to Tat…."

The idea makes Dan's stomach churn. "No, it's… okay, if anybody got anywhere near Tat, I'd…." He shakes his head. "But fifteen isn't all the same, you know? I mean, I'm not saying it makes him less of an asshole, 'cause he didn't know, but I was already pretty messed up… he didn't really do much extra."

"Well then I want to beat the crap out of a lot of
other
people in Texas, too," Evan growls, and Dan's glad he's not the target of Evan's anger, because, okay, they've had fights, but Dan's never seen this kind of pure aggression from him, and, damn, it's pretty intense. It's probably not the most appropriate response, but, now that Dan knows it's not aimed at him…it's kind of hot.

"It's ancient history, dude," Dan says, and he leans forward and runs his fingers along Evan's neck, pulling him in close enough for a soft kiss. "But, thanks." Evan's still glowering, but his lips soften a bit when Dan kisses him again, and Jeff's hands are resting on Dan's hips and keeping him balanced, so Dan leans forward a bit more and deepens the kiss. He pulls away for a breath, and feels a smile on his lips. He sits up again, nestling back into Jeff. "You know, when I said a really long time… with Justin… I don't mean… like, not a
really
long time. Not un-doable."