King Solomon's Journey (The Dominguez Adventures) (22 page)

            He wasn’t sure how to handle a living victim. Amanda would hit the roof if he told her she was a victim of culture. She’d accuse him of thinking she was stupid, or backwards.

            Duty… she was a prisoner of duty, and custom.

            He tried to process if he understood what she wasn’t saying. She had one orgasm, probably 27 years ago, with a great guy. The cops came, and she had to break-up with someone she liked. He even guessed she broke up with the guy because she felt it was her duty, she never said her Dad forced or punished her.

            Her Dad shouldn’t have told her that he knew. Antonio was sure the man had no idea the impact it had on his daughter. Amanda appeared to have a stronger sense of duty than her damn parents did. Why? He wondered about her brothers.

            He remembered the story she told him about living with someone who had a shadow. She insinuated that you don’t morally get up and leave someone with an emotional or psychological issue. She conveyed that it’s like leaving a sick person. You don’t abandon someone who is unable to care for himself.

            “Damn duty.” Hell, what was he saying? She was here with him because of duty. Duty to King Solomon, duty to the Scrolls, did she even know that she responds so strongly to duty?

            He decided there was a helpful point he could make that wouldn’t have her on the next plane back to the Midwest.

            “Amanda, I think on some level, your own experience has reinforced your mother’s warning.  I haven’t met your mom, but I swear she’d take that statement back. She would be deeply saddened that you remembered it so darkly, let alone believed it at such a level.

            If I thought it wouldn’t cause her serious pain, I’d say call her and talk to her about, she’ll tell you differently now. Amanda, I can say that without even meeting her. Let me ask this, did your Dad punish you over the cop busting you and your boyfriend? Did he make you break-up with him?”

            “No, my Dad is not that way.” She honestly defended her Father.

            “Why did you punish yourself?”

            “I do not know. I screwed-up.” She projected each word.

            “I see. Do you screw-up often or mostly just with men?” He spoke as calmly as he could. Tears rolled down her cheeks.

            “Men.” She whispered.

            “Is that why you don’t have a spot in your life for a man? That’s what you said when I met you. Nevertheless, you like men. You have men in your life that you love, and like. For example, your sons, Dad, brothers, even male friends, and colleagues that you truly love and care about, even Tommy the driver. Men surround you.

            You even seek to help people with their relationships. You do believe in the power of a loving relationship, and you believe in great, appropriate sex.

            You know, because you’ve studied, and you’ve learned. Hell, you’re a scholar when it comes to the male-female ritual of bonding, lovemaking and all the components. Amanda, you’d never do it halfway.

            You may not have it, or experience it, but damn it you’ll sure as hells know all there is to know about it.

            You're afraid you’ll screw it up because you made a dumbass choice.

            You’re clear that you should be sexual. You don’t have that kind of problem. No, you’ll screw it up somewhere in the W’s, right? Who, what, where, when, why and how?

            If you make a choice then you only have yourself to blame. You see, I didn’t hear you blame anyone, not once. Sometimes, Amanda, someone besides you deserves the blame. Often, we make dumbass choices. We don’t always need punishment. Even when we deserve it, there’s a limit to what’s appropriate.

            He didn’t want to believe the magnitude of her duty. Even swimming she took out of her sleep-time, refusing to slight anyone with her selfishness. He had no idea what to do next. Maybe she was even too tough for her own family.

            She wasn’t getting away with this, not with him, no way in hell. She wasn’t going to stay with him out of duty to the Scrolls. She wasn’t going to make love to him because his weapon had to go off. She wasn’t going to go for a swim, or spend hours writing during sleep-time and become sleep-deprived.

She would make him understand the food thing, quit eating yogurt, quit starving because she had a reason, and quit not wanting to bother anyone.

            He would handle every damn one of these issues, he just didn’t know how. Shit, he studied things and solved nothing…  But he dealt with the problems of dead people.

            Suddenly his career seemed ridiculous, meaningless. Amanda was alive and honest-to-God good, too damn good. She was more important than any damn dead person ever was.       He looked to Amanda, knowing she didn’t intend to answer him. He didn’t blame her. In defending her, he somehow offended her. He took his boots off and stretched across the bed. Folding his arms behind his head, he crossed his legs at the ankle. He had to make a plan.

            Shit, he’d done many of the same things as Amanda. They both had dedicated their lives to situations that kept them in isolation. He wasn’t sure why at this stage in their lives they were in a position to change, or choose to change.

            Had they really decided to change, or had change come to them, and demanded they both decide to come out amongst the living? He was nuts about Amanda, and sure that he wanted her.

            Without a concussion and hallucination, would he have seen or known that he wanted her? He was sure he would’ve noticed her. He would’ve been attracted to her, even asked her out. Would he have realized that she was everything he needed?

            Would it have been worth it? After all, he didn’t even know that he needed her, or what he needed her for. Sure, he knew he was lonely, but until he’d experienced time with her, he had no clue how lonely he really was.

            He saw Amanda’s face in his workroom. She was appalled that he spent days surrounded by dead things from dead eras. He knew they shared a love for antiquities, but she saw him in her mind, working hours on end with no one around, no one at the house, spending days with the dead.

            He noticed her look of disgust as she realized the concept. He honestly took her out there thinking she would be impressed. Sitting there, he knew what she thought. Hell, what happens when he’s tired of playing with me? Is this what I hold second place to?

            Teaching classes he’d influenced and interacted amongst the living. He wanted to stay out in the field, on digs as often as possible. He built the lab and workroom to gain credibility so he could do what he wanted. Bringing in some grants and gifts to the University helped keep it secure. He soon realized his lab would make big money. Between it and his investment sideline, he wanted to make a liar out of Pop.

            His father called it a hippie career. ‘Antonio you will barely survive doing this.’  Well, he’d made a liar out of Pop now. Lot of good that did - Pop didn’t even know it. The old man didn’t care or give a damn. Hell, he had seven other kids. So one kid was lost to him, the others were fine.

            He wanted to help Amanda, but he saw so many of his own demons in her situation, he felt like an inadequate hypocrite.

            When you get around these Biblical guys, you have to go to Hell. He didn’t want to go to Hell. He wanted to do the right thing by the Scrolls, and he wanted the girl for keeps. Yeah, Jesus hardly sinned, maybe he didn’t sin at all, and he still had to visit Hell.

            What was up with that? King Solomon did everything better than anybody. Sorry, you still have to visit Hell before you die. Moses never saw what he obtained for his people, and he fought his whole life for it. He must be the guy that refused to go to Hell, therefore he was denied witnessing the completion of his life’s goal. Even Noah visited Hell. Early on, he faced his ugly demons.

            Antonio was just a guy trying to understand the Scrolls, and get it to the rightful owner. They could take all the rest of it, and stick it. He wanted the girl, without the trip to Hell. Oh, did the jerks have to make her go to Hell, too?

            Out of nowhere, he heard his Grandmother’s voice; "Antonio, wrestle with God’s wishes and you will go to Hell."

            She was right. His Lita was always right.

            He guessed only Jacob was allowed to argue with God. It still made no sense. If arguing with God didn’t prove you believed in him, and gave him credit for everything, what in the Hell did?

            Don’t question God? How, in the hell does he answer if you don’t question?

            He wouldn’t stop and argue with God right now. Amanda needed him for something. Within himself, between him and God he warned, I will ask. I will argue. Don’t be a pansy and say I don’t care or believe. Are you not the ultimate professor? Professors answer questions, I know that first-hand.

            “Amanda… we need to talk.” He spoke with a reserved confidence as he sat up in bed.

            “Antonio, I am not pitiful. You want to pity me. I hate that, it is counter-productive.”

            He shook his head, and slid his hand across his hair. “Talk to me. All we have is words to understand…  Amanda, I’m sitting here, telling you where you’re wrong, only to realize I’ve been living out a similar hell myself.

            I wouldn’t pity you now, especially since I’ve seen myself within you. I still think we should do it, together.” He lay back down in his previous position. Slightly apprehensive, she sat beside him. Maybe he could make it to hell and back, if only they could hold hands. He took her hand in his own.

            “Amanda, I swear I hadn’t seen that we both lived in the same way, and that we got there on completely different paths. I’m sorry. I want to make the wrong into right for you, but I realize I’m not a stellar example for what’s right...Please, let me keep trying. I think we’re good together. I think I’m going to screw up a lot, but I’m not going to lie to you.” Amanda relaxed next to him on the bed.

            She spoke softly. “Remember the process is a journey. We must travel to the other side with objectivity to learn, explore, and become familiar, while opening ourselves to each other.

            They accepted the fact that secrets hid from them, then came to learn those things. They embraced their differences. They became more complete, a more perfected ‘One’.” She rested her head on his abdomen.

            He acknowledged. “Solomon and Sheba...I have to be honest, Amanda. I didn’t set out to follow their lead.” He put his fingers through her hair, he liked touching and playing with it.

            She chose her words carefully, “I talk about it a lot, but I have not made it a mission. I think we are at a turning point. The circumstances have presented us with a choice. We can see and process the experience through Love, or Ego. We could grow, or blame.

            You approached it in a loving way, Antonio. You were open to objectivity. You did not rush to judge the mistakes people had made. You gave them the benefit of the doubt.”

            “Amanda, I don’t know what I should do for you. I don’t want you to be with me out of a sense of duty. I can’t handle the thought of you being afraid, or uncomfortable with me.

            I could trigger something without knowing and suddenly become your perpetrator. When that gets in my head, I think as much as I want this, it’s not worth losing you, or worse, watching you stay with me despite the discomfort you feel with me.”

            What was this, a conspiracy? Every little piece of goodness, from all of those people who had lost theirs, had somehow absorbed into Antonio, and now resonated from the depths of his kind-hearted soul. Even to the point of giving her up, forever.

            "I do not want to lose you Antonio. I trust you more than I have ever trusted anyone in my life. What has happened here, right now changes us, and I want that change, I need that change."

            "Amanda, my Lita once told me that everything changes, life is temporary. That is why we must have the courage to love, to grasp the moment, because we never know when it will end, but have faith that love will last forever."

            Amanda was in his arms, and the words they said at that moment were not heard with the ears, but with the sattva, that basic element that binds the heart, soul and positive essence of a human being.

CHAPTER 20

"Hold on to what is good, Even if it's a handful of earth.
Hold on to what you believe, Even if it's a tree that stands by itself.
Hold on to what you must do, Even if it's a long way from here.
Hold on to your life, Even if it's easier to let go.
Hold on to my hand, Even if someday I'll be gone away from you."

Pueblo Indian Proverb

            Antonio awoke before dawn, he had preparations to make. After their emotional discussion the day before they had fallen exhausted into bed right after dinner. He had a plan for today, which he believed would make Amanda smile. Throwing back the covers he rushed through getting ready, and made a hasty descent down the stairs.

            The sound of Antonio moving about let Amanda know she no longer needed to stay abed. Throwing on her dressing gown, she moved downstairs to watch as Antonio conferred with Maria on the ingredients of a large basket of food that set on the table. "Are you sure it'll stay cold Maria?"

            "Mijo, have I ever let you down? Mija will have her favorite food, at the right temperature. Now go on, finish your plans. I will have breakfast ready when you get back." Maria motioned him out of her way, and he quickly turned to leave and spotted Amanda. His look of guilt quickly passed, and he began to smile.

            "Just the person I was coming to fetch." He took Amanda's arm and led her back upstairs. When they got to her room, he pushed her inside and told her to dress for a trek.