Why had I married Gabriel? I kept asking myself. No, it was not love.
I had married him for pity’s sake . and perhaps because I had longed to escape from the gloom of Glen House.
In that moment I wanted nothing so much as to finish with this phase of my life. I wanted to put the Abbey, the Revels and the whole Rockwell family behind me for ever. Simon Redvers had done this to me, but I could not help wondering whether he had whispered his suspicions to the others and that they believed him.
As I entered the house I saw Ruth; she had come from the garden and carried a basket full of red rcsea, which re87 minded me of those which she had put in our room on our return from the honeymoon, and how pleased Gabriel had been with them. I thought of his pale delicate face flushed with pleasure, and I could not bear to remember Simon Redvers’s hideous insinuation.
” Ruth,” I said on impulse, ” I’ve been thinking about my future. I don’t think I should stay here … indefinitely.”
She inclined her head and looked at the roses instead of me.
” So,” I went on, ” I will go back to my father’s house while I make my plans.”
” You know you always have a home here, if you wish it,” she replied.
“Yes, I know. But here there is this unhappy memory.”
She laid her hand on my arm.
“We shall all have that, but I understand. You came here and almost immediately it happened. It is for you to decide.”
I thought of Simon Redvers’s cynical, eyes and my anger threatened to choke me.
“I have decided,” I said.
“I shall write to my father to-night telling him I am coming. I expect to leave before the end of the week.”
Jemmy Bell was at the station to meet me, and while we drove to Glen House through those narrow lanes, and when I caught a glimpse of our moors, I could almost believe that I had dozed on the journey home from school and had imagined all that had happened to me between then and now.
It was so like the other occasion. Fanny greeted me while Jemmy took the trap round to the stables.
” Still thin as a rake,” was Fanny’s greeting; and her lips were tight and self-congratulatory; I knew she was thinking:
Well, I didn’t hope for much from that marriage.
My father was in the hall, and he embraced me, a little less absentmindedly than usual.
” My poor child,” he said, ” this has been terrible for you.”
Then he put his hands on my shoulders and drew back to look at me.
There was sympathy in his eyes and I felt that for the first time there was a bond between us.
” You’re home now,” he said. ” We’ll look after you.”
“Thank you. Father.”
Fanny cut in with: “Warming-pan’s in your bed. There’s been mist lately.”
I realised that I was receiving an unusually warm welcome. 88 When I went up to my room, I stood at the window looking out to the moor, and was poignantly reminded of Gabriel and Friday. Why had I thought I could forget in Glen House more easily than I could at I slipped into the familiar pattern. There were meals with my father, when we both sought to find a topic for conversation. He did not speak very often of Gabriel, being deter mined, I was sure, not to raise the painful subject. So we were both delighted when those meals were over.
Two weeks after my arrival he went away again and came home melancholy.
I felt I could not endure to live much longer in this house.
I rode and walked and once made my way to the spot where I found Friday and Gabriel, but the memory was now so painful that I decided I would not ride that way again. I must stop thinking of Gabriel and Friday if I were ever to be completely at peace again.
I think it was on that day that I made up my mind to rearrange my life.
I was after all a young widow with some means. I could set up a house, engage a few servants and live a completely different life from that which I had lived with my father or my husband.
I wished that I had some real friend to advise me. If Uncle Dick had been at home I should have been able to confide in him. I had written to him to tell him that I was now a widow, but letters between us would always be inadequate.
I toyed with the idea of taking a sea trip. I might arrange to meet him in some port and tell him all that had happened to me. But even while I was considering this idea a possibility had occurred to me which excited me and made me feel that all the plans which had half formed in my mind would be cast aside if this were indeed true.
I was in an agony of doubt while I told no one of my suspicions.
Several weeks passed and then I visited our doctor.
I shall always remember sitting there in his consulting- room with the sun streaming through and the certainty that the story of my encounter with Gabriel and Friday was not ended, even though they might no longer play their parts in it.
How can I express my emotions? I was about to undergo a wonderful experience.
He was smiling at me, because he knew my story and believed that this was the best possible thing that could happen to me.
” There is no doubt,” he told me. ” You are going to have a child.”
All the rest of that day I hugged my secret to myself. My own child!
I was impatient with the months of gestation which must ensue: I wanted my child . now.
My whole life was changed. I no longer brooded on the past. I believed that this was the consolation which Gabriel was giving me, and that nothing had been in vain.
It was when I was alone in my room that I remembered that, as this was Gabriel’s child as well as mine, if it were a boy he would be the heir to Kirkland Revels.
Never mind, I told myself. There is no need for him to look at that inheritance. I have enough to give him. The Rockwells need never know that he is bora. Let Luke take everything. What did I care?
But the thought tormented me. I did care. If I had a son I was going to call him Gabriel, and everything that I could give him must be his.
Next day during luncheon I told my father the news. He was startled, and then I saw the colour come to his face so that it was pale pink—with pleasure, I believed.
” You are happier now,” he said. ” God bless you. This is the best thing that could happen to you.”
I had never known him so talkative. He said that I must inform the Rockwell family immediately. He knew of the precarious state of Sir Matthew’s health and I guessed he thought it would be awkward if Luke inherited his grandfather’s title when it should really belong to my unborn son—if it was a son I carried.
I caught his excitement, and I went at once to my room and wrote to Ruth.
It was not an easy letter to write because Ruth had never been very friendly towards me and I could well imagine the consternation the news would cause her.
My letter was stilted but it was the best I could do.
Dear Ruth, I am writing to tell you that I am going to have a child.
My doctor has just assured me that there is no doubt of this, and I thought I should let the family know that there will shortly be a new member of it.
I hope Sir Matthew has recovered from his attack. 90 I am sure he will be delighted to hear that there is a possibility of his having another grandchild.
I am in excellent health and I hope you are the same. I send my very best wishes to all.
Your sister-in-law, Catherine Rockwell
Ruth’s reply came within two days.
Dear Catherine, We are surprised and delighted by your news. Sir Matthew says that you must come at once to the Revels because it is unthinkable that his grandchild should be born anywhere but here.
Please do not refuse his request that you should do so. He will be most unhappy if you do; and it is an old . tradition with us that our children should be born in the house.
Please let me know by return when I may expect you. I will have everything ready for you.
Your sister-in-law, Ruth
There was also a letter from Sir Matthew. The handwriting was a little shaky but the welcome was indeed warm. He had missed me, he said; and there was nothing which could have delighted him more at this sad time than my news. 1 must not disappoint him. I must come back to Kirkland Revels. I knew he was right. I had to go back. ^
Ruth and Luke drove to Keighley Station to meet me.
They greeted me with outward pleasure, but I was not at all sure that they were pleased to see me. Ruth was serene, but Luke, I thought, had lost a little of his breeziness. How did it feel, I wondered, to think yourself heir to something you must always have coveted, only to find that an intruder might be on the way? It depended, of course, on how strong was your covetousness.
Ruth made solicitous inquiries about my health while we drove to the house. I was filled with emotion as we left the moors and came to the old bridge, as I caught a glimpse of the Abbey ruins and the Revels itself. 91 We alighted and went through the portico, and I felt that the faces of the devils looker smug and evil, as though they were saying to me: Did you think you had escaped us?
But I felt strong as I entered the house. I had someone to love, to protect, and because of that someone the emptiness had gone from life and I was ready to be happy again.
When I entered the house Matthew and Sarah were waiting for me. They both embraced me and handled me with such care that I might have been a piece of porcelain ; which made me smile.
” I don’t break, you know,” I said, and that started everything on the right note.
” Your news … your wonderful news!” murmured Sarah, wiping her eyes, although I saw no tears.
” This means so much to us all,” Sir Matthew told me ” It is a great consolation.”
” We’ve been telling her that,” Ruth put in. ” Haven’t we, Luke?”
Luke smiled with a return of his camaraderie. ” Have we, Catherine?” he asked.
I avoided answering by smiling at him.
” I expect Catherine is tired and would like to go to her room,” said Ruth. ” Shall I have tea sent up, Catherine?”
” That would be nice.”
” Luke, ring for one of the maids. Come along, Catherine Your trunk has already gone up.”
Sir Matthew and Sarah followed Ruth and myself up the stairs.
” I’ve put you on the first floor of the south wing,” Ruth explained.
” You won’t want too many stairs, and this is a very pleasant room.”
” If you don’t like it,” Sir Matthew said hurriedly, ” you must tell us, my dear.”
” How kind you are!” I murmured.
” You could come near me.” Sarah’s voice was high pitched with excitement. ” That would be very nice … very nice indeed.”
” I think the room I have chosen will be most suitable.” said Ruth.
We passed the minstrels’ gallery and went up the staircase to the first floor. We then went along a short corridor in which were two doors. Ruth opened the second of these to disclose my room.
It was an almost exact replica of that which I had shared with Gabriel, even to the powder closet, and I saw from the windows, which gave me a view of the lawns and of the Abbey, that it was in a similar position although two floors below.
” It is very pleasant,” I said; I looked at the decorated ceiling from which cherubs, encircling the chandelier in the centre, looked down upon me. My bed was a four-poster as were almost all in the house, I believed; there were blue silk curtains about it, and these matched those of blue damask at the windows. My carpet was blue. There was an enormous fireplace, a wardrobe and several chairs besides an oak chest over which hung a brass warming-pan. There was a red glow in the highly polished brass which came from a bowl of red roses, put there I guessed by Ruth.
I smiled at her. ” Thank you,” I said.
She inclined her head in acknowledgement, but I could not help wondering whether she was really pleased to see me or would have been happier if, when I had left the Revels, I had” gone out of her life for ever. I was sure her welcome could not be wholehearted because of what the birth of a son to me would mean to Luke. She adored Luke, I was fully aware of that; and now that I was to be a mother myself I understood how ambitious one could become on one’s children’s behalf, and I felt no resentment against Ruth even if she did towards me.
” This should be convenient for you,” she went on quickly.
” It is kind of you to take so much trouble.”
Sir Matthew was beaming at me. ” You are going to be put to a lot of trouble for us,” he told me. ” We are delighted … delighted. I’ve told Deverel Smith he’s got to keep me alive by hook or by crook by potions or spells to see my new grandson.”
“You have determined on the sex.”
” Of course I have, my dear. Haven’t a doubt of it. You were meant to be the mother of boys.”
“I want you to come and see my tapestries, Hagar, my dear,” murmured Sarah. ” You will, won’t you? Ill show you the cradle. All Rockwells use that cradle.”
” It will have to be overhauled within the next months.” 93 Ruth put in practically. ” And this is Catherine, Aunt Sarah.”