Authors: Calvin Wade
ZARA – May 2012
The doorbell rang. The biggest suitcase I owned was in the hallway, crammed with stuff. Before he went to work, I had to get my flatmate, Nadeem, to sit on it so I could zip it up. You would have thought I was off to Florida for three weeks rather than two nights in Blackpool, but the problem with the British weather is that you never know what you are going to get. Also, with only knowing Lucy out of all the girls that were going, I wasn’t sure how they were going to dress. If they were all going to be dolled up, then I wanted to join in. If they were going less dressy, I would have to tone it down a little. Not that I was going to be wearing anything other than a skimpy number no matter what, but there is skimpy and then there is bikini brave.
As expected it was Lucy at the door, looking as gorgeous as usual. Lucy had the ability to make casual look sexy. She had a crop top on, but as she’d been spray tanned, had a washboard stomach and had her Playboy belly dangle in her navel piercing, she looked hot. I knew I would have to get everything right to have the pick of the men this weekend. If two men approached Lucy and me, I wanted the pilot not the wing man. Not only had Lucy had her nails done and a spray tan, she had also had her hair straightened, cut and coloured. I would describe the colour as candy floss pink, which doesn’t sound great, but believe me, on Lucy it looked great.
“Hi babe, look at you, you look gorgeous, babe,” I told her.
Babe was a word that seemed to creep into my conversations with Lucy. I didn’t tend to use it much with Flo. I guess it depends who you are with. Horses for the forces and all that.
“You too babe,” Lucy said and kissed me on both cheeks.
“Thanks, hun.”
“Well piss on my chips and tell me it’s vinegar! I thought I was going to have the biggest suitcase. Look at that! Is that your suitcase, Zara? It’s enormous! I’ve been in planes smaller than that.”
“I know. If I’ve forgotten anything now, I’ll be so cheesed off.”
“Babe, there’s no way you could possibly have forgotten anything. I’ll have to help you with that down the stairs or you’ll never get it down. Come on, we best get going, the taxi driver will have the meter running.”
We were both sat in the back of the taxi. The driver didn’t look too pleased when he had to lift my case off the ground and get it into the boot. He mumbled something about extra charges for slipped discs. After he rubbed his back several times in an exaggerated way, he set off to Charnock Richard service station where we had arranged to meet Candice’s minibus. The girls had set off from Great Dunmow at seven and they were picking us up at midday.
“So how are you, honey?” Lucy asked sympathetically, “Are you over what’s his name with the muscles?”
“Martin.”
“Yeh, have you got over the big split with Martin now?”
“I have, hun. No point crying over spilt milk, if it wasn’t meant to be, it wasn’t meant to be.”
“Exactly, I think it’s perfect timing.”
“Why?”
“Well, if you had come away on this Hen do and attracted the amount of attention a beautiful girl like you is bound to attract and still been with Martin, you’d have felt guilty. Now you are footloose and fancy free, there’s no need for guilt, you can let your hair down and have a whale of a time.”
“I guess you’re right. Arrrrr, thanks for saying I’m beautiful, babe.”
Lucy saying that really perked me up. I wasn’t going to admit it, but I was still having withdrawal symptoms from Martin. If he’d have apologised for his flirting with Stacey and asked me to get back with him, I would have done so in a nanosecond.
“So, then, single lady,” Lucy said with a cheeky smile, “how many condoms are in the huge suitcase of yours?”
“None.”
“Are they in your handbag?”
“God, no, I won’t be doing any of that business! Why, how many have you packed?”
“Six.”
“Six! Bloody hell, Lucy! Are you dropping in at an orgy or something? We’re only going for two nights.”
“Come prepared and prepare to come!” Lucy winked at me after she said this.
“Six though, Lucy! Flippin’ ‘eck!”
“Babe, I’m just being sensible. Some lads aren’t so clever at putting them on and others want a second chance in the middle of the night or first thing in the morning, I don’t have to use all six, but I’d rather have too many than not enough.”
I bet the taxi driver thought he had a right slapper in the cab, but Lucy was just a strong woman and I loved her for it.
“There’ll be some stories from this weekend, that’s for sure!” I said.
“There definitely will, babe. Oh and I’ve brought these too.”
Lucy opened up the palm of her hand and in it were four bright blue tablets in a clear wrapping. I thought she had gone mad and was showing off her illegal ecstasy tablets.
“Flamin’ Nora, Lucy!” I whispered, “The taxi driver will kill us if he sees drugs in the cab!”
“Do you not know what they are, babe?”
I was really anti-drugs, I had never taken anything and never intended to.
“No and I don’t really want to. It could be heroin, ecstasy, cocaine, I don’t want to know,” I whispered with a dismissive wave of my hands.
“It’s Sildenafil, Zara?”
“Never heard of it.”
“Commonly known as Viagra. You know? The sex drug?”
“I have heard of that. I thought it was for men. What does it do for us? Does it make our Little Red Riding Hood bigger?”
Lucy tried to suppress her giggles.
“Zara, you crack me up, babe! Little Red Riding Hood! You probably can get them now for women, I don’t know, but these little fellas are my back up if the big fellas end up having brewers droop. I bought them off some bloke in the pub. Four for a tenner. They aren’t Viagra, but they have the same active ingredient.”
“Do you think you’ll need them?” I asked, Lucy was a stunner, so I wouldn’t expect there would be too many men not standing right to attention when confronted by her in the nuddy.
“You just have to have a back up plan, Zara! It’s the 21
st
Century.”
“Lucy, I don’t have any plans for this weekend other than getting drunk and having a laugh.”
“Well, wait until you meet Candice and the rest of the girls then. One thing I can guarantee is that we will have a laugh. The men in Blackpool this weekend aren’t going to know what’s hit ‘em!”
Part Nine
Making Plans For Simon
SIMON – May 2012
Nicky and I were sitting out the back of The Railway pub one Friday evening, just having a couple of drinks on one of the wooden benches outside. Chloe had gone around to one of her friends for a sleepover and Will was getting himself showered and shaved ready for a hot date with his girlfriend, Laura. He was playing Waking The Demon by Bullet For My Valentine at full blast. So whilst our ear drums were just about intact we grabbed the opportunity to have a stroll down to the pub.
Light, dry evenings in spring and summer make it feel wonderful to be alive. We were discussing various wedding plans, a common theme. The wedding day had been arranged for 17
th
June at Euxton Parish Church.
“Are you going to have a Stag Do, Simon?” Nicky asked as she poured her Becks into a glass. I was drinking mine straight from the bottle, Nicky is posher than me!
“Absolutely, I’ve always liked the idea of having a ‘Stag Do’, just eight or ten mates on a drunken night out around Leyland, Chorley or Preston, somewhere local anyway. I’d really enjoy that. In fact, when I asked your Dad for permission to marry you, I told him he was coming on the Stag Do too. “
“And he agreed?” Nicky said in genuine shock.
“Yes, he was fine with it.”
“He never fails to surprise me, my old man.”
“He gets on alright with my Dad, maybe that’s why he agreed. Certainly wouldn’t have agreed because of me.”
“I think he’s softening towards you,” Nicky said, but I wasn’t sure if it was a serious or sarcastic statement.
“Yes, soft as diamond. What about you, Nicky, are you having a Hen do?”
“I think so. Just a quiet one, maybe I’ll just have a few of the girls around the night before.”
I started to worry that Nicky expected me to have mine the night before too.
“I’m not having mine the night before, Nicky! I’m not getting married with a hangover.”
“No, you best give yourself a few weeks to recover.”
“I’m planning to!” I said with a laugh, but I meant it.
“What about your ‘Best Man’, Simon? Any news on whether he has decided that he’s up to the job?”
Nicky was referring to Will. Not long after I proposed to Nicky, I had asked Will whether he would be my best man. Not only was he my son, he was my best friend too and was the obvious choice. At first, he was absolutely delighted about it, but nerves and panic had begun to set in. I understood, he was only nineteen and it seemed to be a daunting task. I tried to re-assure Will that everyone would be on his side and the speech could not possibly go wrong, but he’s his own man and I wouldn’t force him into doing something he was unhappy with. He said he would think it over.
“He’s still mulling it over, Nicky, but I think I’ve thought of a solution.”
“Go on.”
Nicky wasn’t always too enamoured with my solutions.
“I was thinking of having two best men. Will could then pass me the ring in the church, but all the stuff he’s uneasy about, like the wedding speech, could be done by the other Best Man. I asked one or two of the cricket lads about it at nets and they said it happens quite often these days.”
“OK,” Nicky said wafting away a wasp that was after her beer, mine was safer in the bottle, “I’m fine with that. Who are you going to ask though? I know you like the lads at cricket but none of them are exactly your best mate and I’m not inviting someone extra just because Will is uneasy about doing a speech.”
“I was thinking of asking Joey.”
“”Joey Neill?” Nicky queried with more than a hint of surprise in her voice.
“Yes. Why do you sound so shocked, Nicky?”
“You and Joey are very different. Would it not spoil the day?”
“No, don’t be daft, Nicky. He’ll probably try it on with a few of your mates from work at the night do, but we just need to keep an eye on him.”
“I’m not keeping an eye on him! It’s our Wedding Day.”
“I meant Will and me.”
“OK, but you’d need to check his speech out too. Joey’s unpredictable.”
“I will do. Nicky, for all that Joey thinks he’s Mr.Popular, this is his one and only chance to be ‘Best Man’. If Will hadn’t been nervous about doing a speech, I wouldn’t have asked him either, but I feel a bit sorry for Joey and just want to give him a chance.”
Nicky knew Joey as well as I did and I knew she felt sorry for him too. Most of his problems were of his own doing, but we both agreed his existence was a lonely one.
“Simon, if you’ve thought this through and you think it’s what you want to do, then I’m fine with it.”
“I have. Joey could even talk a little bit about Colin in his speech which would mean a lot to me.”
“True. When you ask him, just warn him to behave himself. No bad language in the speech, none of his pub mates are coming to the night do and tell him anyone with a wedding ring on will have their husbands with them, so they are strictly out of bounds.”
“Especially you!”
“Simon, Joey knows better than to try it on with me. He wouldn’t look cool with a broken nose.”
“OK. Joey it is. I’ll call around in the next few days and ask him. I’ll let Will know what’s happening first though. It’ll be a weight off his mind, I’m sure.”
Nicky still had almost half a glass of Becks, but she picked it up and drank it all in one go.
“Thirsty?” I asked.
“Just nerves, Simon! You’ve only just told me about your plans for Joey and already I’m worried about what we’ve let ourselves in for.”
“He’ll be fine, Nicky. You watch, I bet he does a great job. In fact, I’ll ring him right now.”
I took my mobile out and tabbed down to Joey, which didn’t take long as I don’t have many names in my phone. I put it on loudspeaker so Nicky could hear.
“Hello.”
“Hi Joey! It’s Simon.”
“Oh right. Sorry mate, I didn’t have your number in the phone. Can I ring you back later? It’s really not a good time?” Joey sounded more than a little disgruntled.
“No problem. Is everything OK?”
“Not really, Muscleman,” Joey said, he still subconsciously dropped in my old nickname from time to time, “I’ve just come out of the gym and my car’s not here.”
“What do you mean mate, not there?”
“I mean it’s been nicked, Simon. Someone’s bloody nicked my new Mercedes.”
SIMON – May 2012
It was Sunday afternoon, two days after the theft of Joey’s car. I had called around at his house to ask him if he would be one of the two ‘Best Men’, at our wedding. On Friday night, Joey had phoned me back to say the police had found his car on the access road to Botany Bay shopping centre, less than a mile from where it had been stolen. Relieved and back in a jovial mood, Joey had agreed for us to meet up on Sunday, as I said I had something important to ask him. We were out in the back garden, having a beer. Despite my best intentions of getting into shape, people kept offering me free beer and I kept taking them up on their kind offer. It would have been rude not to!
“I don’t get it, Joey. Why would someone steal a car from David Lloyd’s gym and then dump it at Botany Bay?” I asked.
“I asked the police that, Simon. They have two theories. The first is that it was just a couple of kids’ joyriding. Someone walking their dog along the canal, reported that they saw two kids in hoodies, by the Mercedes, acting in a self-congratulatory manner, high fiving each other and saying how amazing something had been.”
“They might have been talking about the buzz of driving your car.”
“Exactly. The second theory, is that the thieves took it to see if they could get the stereo system out of it, took it down the access road to Botany Bay, but were then disturbed by passers by. “
“The first theory sounds more plausible to me, but I’m no expert. Have they checked it for fingerprints?”
“They have but the only fingerprints they found were mine. The little thugs must have been wearing gloves.”
“Was it damaged?”
“No, thank god. Bit of a scratch on the front bumper, no idea how they managed that, but that’s about it.”
“You’re lucky to get it back in one piece.”
“I know. Still, I hope they catch the idiots that took it. I’d love to sit in court and watch them get sent down, thieving little gits. Anyway, on a brighter note, what’s this important thing that you were going to ask me?”
“Remember me saying to you on Facebook that Will’s having a bit of a panic about his Best Man’s speech?”
“Yep, I can give him a bit of a pep talk if you like. Give him a few breathing techniques to try and maybe teach him a few good jokes.”
“Actually, Joey, I wanted to ask if you would be a second Best Man along with Will?”
“What would that involve me doing?”
“Both of you would be at the front of the church with me, but the rings will be passed to me by Will. You would do the Best Man’s speech but Nicky wants me to stress to you that it’s important it isn’t rude, it doesn’t have a load of bad language in and at no stage does it cause her any embarrassment.”
Joey game me a wry smile, “Can I cause you embarrassment?”
“Within reason! I know a Best Man’s speech is meant to embarrass the Groom, but as long as it doesn’t end up embarrassing Nicky too, then that’s OK.”
“Good. I can manage that. I’ll do it then, mate. Thanks for asking!”
Joey reached over and shook my hand.
“No problem. Thanks for stepping in. If you can mention about knowing Colin too, in your speech, that’d be great.”
Joey frowned.
“Can you not do that? Speaking about your dead brother isn’t going to help me whip the audience up in to a giggle frenzy.”
“OK. Maybe I’ll mention him. I just thought as you knew him too, it would be a nice touch.”
Joey brushed my comment aside, “We’ll see. Anyway, what about the Stag Do? Do I get to sort out the Stag Do?”
“You can if you want, but it’ll only be something local for about ten of us.”
Joey gave me an aggrieved stare. This comment seemed to rile him even more than a request to mention my brother.
“Hang on, mate, I think you’ve just contradicted yourself there. You said I could sort out the Stag Do, but then you went on to say it was only for ten people. That doesn’t sound right to me. So where are you thinking we take these ten people?”
“I was thinking maybe Leyland, Chorley or Preston.”
“Don’t go too mad, Simon! A weekend away in Leyland, Chorley or Preston. I could fire an elastic band that far. Come on, it’s your Stag Do!”
“I don’t want a weekend away, just a night out.”
“Simon, you can go to any of those places any time you want. Your Stag Do is a one off mate. Come on buddy, live a little.”
Joey punched my arm. I immediately thought back to Nicky’s warning about Joey’s potential to spoil my day. On the one hand, I was beginning to think he had the capacity to ruin not just my Wedding Day but my Stag Do too, but on the other hand, something inside me was telling me he was right, I needed to be less cautious with things and just run with whatever he had planned.
“OK, Joey, tell me where you’re thinking.”
“First choice, Vegas.”
I couldn’t help but laugh. I was thinking Leyland, Joey was thinking Las Vegas!
“No chance, I’m skint mate.”
“Benidorm? You can get cheap last minute flights to Spain and the accommodation won’t be any dearer than here.”
“Joey, listen, it’s my Stag Do and I want to stay local.”
“Mate, I can’t be Best Man and go out on a Stag Do to Chorley! My reputation is at stake. If we did that, my mates in the pub would never let me live it down. Can we not compromise on this? I’m happy to be joint Best Man, do the bits that Will doesn’t want to do, but you’ve got to let me sort the Stag Do out.”
Somehow, I don’t know how he managed to do it, but somehow, Joey always ended up making me feel sorry for him. He was a rich man, with a brand new Mercedes, who didn’t work, but I always ended up thinking, ‘poor Joey’.
“Alright, Joey, you can sort it out on one condition.”
“I’ve a feeling I’m not going to like this one condition.”
“It’s for one night only and it’s in the North West.”
“That’s two conditions.”
“On two conditions.”
“So an overnight trip to Manchester or Liverpool is OK?”
“Yes.”
“Or Chester?”
“Yes, Chester’s fine.”
“What about Blackpool?”
“Always plenty of women on Hen Do’s in Blackpool.”
“Joey, I don’t fancy Blackpool.”
“Why not? I love Blackpool.”
“That’s probably why I don’t like it. We have very different tastes.”
“Where do you fancy?”
“Liverpool. Just a few good pubs in the City Centre and then wander down to Matthew Street.”
“You know what we should do then?”
“What?”
“Toss a coin.”
“That would mean I would have a 50-50 chance of doing something I don’t want to do though, Joey!”
“How many nights out have you ever had in Blackpool, Simon?”
“None. I want to keep it that way.”
“That’s ridiculous. You might have the best night out ever there. Free your mind from the shackles of conservatism.”
“You only want to go to Blackpool because you think you will score there.”
“I have a fine record in Liverpool too, I’ll have you know. I love Liverpool, it’s a laugh. Unlike you, I am happy either way.”
I sighed, a pronounced sigh.
“Go on then, toss the bloody coin!”
“I haven’t got a coin. Have you?”
I delved into my pockets and took out a bunch of coins.
“Great. Let fate decide. Toss a coin. One side is Blackpool, the other Liverpool.”
“Joey, you’re going to fix this somehow so Blackpool wins!”
“No, I won’t. You toss the coin.”
I put a 10p to one side and put the rest of my money back in my pocket.
“Which side is which?” I asked.
“Simon, you decide, I don’t want you accusing me of cheating.”
“OK. Heads is Liverpool. Tails is Blackpool.”
I flicked the coin really high and watched it rotating, pleading in my mind for it to land on Heads. I tried to catch it on the way down but missed, so we both stooped over it as it landed on his grass.
“Tails,” I said dejectedly. Joey punched the sky, which was better than him punching my arm again, “Do we have to go to Blackpool?”
“It wasn’t me that decided on Blackpool, Simon, it was fate. Destiny has decreed that we are going to the Benidorm of the British Isles. Stop moaning Simon and start getting excited. The time of your life is just around the corner!”
With that, Joey punched my arm again. I should have listened to Nicky’s warning. What had I let myself in for?