Kiss of the Highlander (38 page)

She became aware, after a moment, that Beatrice was regarding her intently. The older woman cupped Gwen’s shoulders and searched her gaze.

“Oh, dearie, what is it? It looks to me as if you might be having a problem of your own,” she fretted.

Gwen tucked her bangs behind her ear and averted her gaze. “It’s nothing,” she said hastily.

“Don’t try to put me off,” Beatrice chided. “Bertie would tell you there’s no point once I set my mind on a thing. It’s not only my problem with Bertie that’s made you cry.”

“Really,” Gwen protested. “You have enough problems—”

“So take my mind off them for a moment, if you will,” Beatrice pressed. “Grief shared is grief lessened. What happened to you today? Did you find your, er…cherry picker?” Beatrice’s blue eyes twinkled just a bit, and Gwen marveled that the older woman could still sparkle at such a moment.

Had she found her cherry picker?
She fought a bubble of nearly hysterical laughter. How could she tell Beatrice that she’d lived almost a month in a single day? Or at least she thought she had. It was so strange coming down from the foothills to find that no time at all had passed, she was beginning to fear for her sanity.

Yet Beatrice was right: Grief shared was grief lessened. She
wanted
to talk about him. Needed to talk about him. How could she possibly confide her pain…unless…

“It’s really nothing,” she lied weakly. “How about if I tell you a story instead, to take your mind off things?”

“A story?” Bea’s eyebrows disappeared beneath her silvery curls.

“Yes, I’ve been thinking about trying my hand at writing,” Gwen said, “and I’ve been kicking around a story, but I’m stumped on the ending.”

Beatrice’s eyes narrowed thoughtfully. “A story, you say. Yes, I’d like to hear it, and maybe you and I will be able to figure out how the ending should go.”

Gwen took a deep breath and began: “Okay, the heroine is a girl who was hiking in the foothills of Scotland, and she found an enchanted Highlander sleeping in a cave above Loch Ness…pretty far out there, huh?”

An hour later, Gwen watched Beatrice open her mouth several times, then close it again. She fussed with her curls, fiddled with her hat, then smoothed her pink sweater.

“At first I thought you were going to tell me something that happened to you today, that you didn’t want to own up to.” Beatrice shook her head. “But, Gwen, I had no idea you had such an imagination. You truly took my mind off my worries for a time. Goodness,” she exclaimed, waving at the plastic containers, “long enough that I ate when I was certain I wouldn’t be able to force a bite down. Dearie, you
must
finish this story. You can’t just leave the hero and heroine hanging like that. I can’t
stand
it. Tell me the end.”

“What if there is no end, Bea? What if that’s all of it? What if she got sent back to her time and he died and that’s it?” Gwen said numbly.

“You can’t write such a story. Find a way to bring him through the stones.”

“He can’t,” Gwen said flatly. “Ever. Even if he lived—”

“Oaths are a lot of nonsense when love’s at stake,” Beatrice insisted. “Bend the rules. Just write that rule out.”

“I can’t. It’s part of the story. He would become a dark Druid if he did.” And Gwen understood how awful that would be better than most ever could. “Not one of his clan has ever broken the oath. They must not. And in truth, I’m afraid I would think less of him if he did.”

Beatrice arched a brow. “You?
You
might think less of him?”

Gwen shook her head sheepishly, “I meant my heroine in the story.
She
might think less of him. He was perfect the way he was. He was a man of honor who knew his responsibilities, and that was one of the things she loved about him. If he broke his oath and used the stones for personal reasons, he would corrupt the power within him. There’s no telling how evil he would become. No. If he lived—which I greatly doubt—he will never come through the stones for her.”

“
You’re
the storyteller. Don’t let him die,” Beatrice protested. “Fix this story, Gwen,” she said sternly. “How dare you tell me such a sad story?”

Gwen met her gaze levelly. “What if it’s not just a story?” she said softly.

Beatrice studied her a moment, then glanced out the window into the twilight. Her gaze shifted from left to right, over Loch Ness in the distance. Then she smiled faintly. “There’s magic in these hills. I’ve felt it ever since we arrived. As if the natural laws of the universe don’t quite apply to this country.” She paused and glanced back at Gwen. “When my Bertie gets better, I might just take him up into the hills myself, under a good doctor’s care of course, and rent a small cottage for the rest of the fall. Let some of that magic soak into his old bones.”

Gwen smiled sadly. “Speaking of Bertie, I’ll walk you back to the hospital. Let’s go see what the doctors can tell us. And if you need to cry, I’ll do the talking.” Although Beatrice put up a token protest, Gwen didn’t miss the relief and gratitude in her eyes.

Gwen was relieved too, because she suspected she might not be able to bear being alone for quite some time.

Gwen spent the rest of her holiday in the village by the deep glassy loch with Beatrice, never looking up into the foothills, never venturing forth from the village, never allowing herself to even consider going to see if Castle Keltar still stood. She was too raw, the pain too fresh. While Beatrice visited Bertie at the hospital, Gwen huddled beneath the covers, feeling feverish with grief. The prospect of returning home to her empty little apartment in Santa Fe was more than she could bear to contemplate.

When Beatrice returned in the evenings, exhausted by her own worries, they comforted each other, forced each other to eat something healthy, and took slow walks beside the huge silvery mirror of Loch Ness and watched the setting sun paint the silvery surface crimson and lavender.

And beneath the wild Scottish sky, Gwen and Beatrice bonded like mother and daughter. They tossed around her “story” on more than one occasion. Beatrice urged her to write it down, to turn it into a historical romance and send it into a publisher.

Gwen demurred.
It would never get published. It’s way too far out there.

That’s not true,
Beatrice had argued.
I read a vampire romance this summer that I adored. A vampire, of all things! The world needs more love stories. What do you think I read when I’m sitting in the hospital, waiting to see if my Bertie will ever be able to speak again? Not some horror story…

Maybe one day,
Gwen had conceded, mostly to end the conversation.

But she was beginning to consider it. If she couldn’t have the happily-ever-after in real life, at least she could write it. Someone else could live it for a few hours.

Despite her relentless grief, she refused to leave Beatrice’s side until Bert was stable and Beatrice in better spirits. Day by day, Bert grew stronger. Gwen was convinced he was healing from the sheer magnitude and depth of Beatrice’s love for him.

The day he was released, Gwen accompanied Beatrice to the hospital. His speech was impeded because the left side of his face was paralyzed, but the doctor said that in time and with therapy he might regain considerable ground. Beatrice had said with a wink that she didn’t care if he could ever speak clearly again, as long as all the other parts were in good working order.

Bert had laughed and written on his erasable memo board that they certainly were, and he’d be happy to demonstrate if everyone would quit fussing over him and leave him alone with his sexy wife.

Gwen had smiled and watched with a mixture of joy and pain, as Beatrice and Bert rejoiced in each other.

Only after they’d wrung a promise from her that she would visit them in Maine for Christmas—Beatrice had indeed rented a lovely cottage on the Loch for the fall—did Beatrice help Gwen pack up and tuck her into a cab for the ride to the airport.

As Gwen settled into the backseat, Beatrice shifted her ample bulk into the door and hugged her fiercely, kissing her forehead, nose, and cheeks. Both were misty-eyed.

“Don’t you dare give up, Gwen Cassidy. Don’t you dare stop loving. I may never know what happened to you that day up in the hills, but I know it was something that changed your life. There’s magic in Scotland, but always remember: A heart that loves makes magic of its own.”

Gwen shivered. “I love you, Beatrice. And you take good care of Bertie,” she added fiercely.

“Oh, I plan to,” Beatrice assured her. “And I love you too.” Beatrice stepped back as the driver closed the door.

Once the cab pulled away from the curb, and she’d watched Beatrice until she was a small pink-clad speck in the distance, then gone, Gwen cried all the way to the airport.

October 20, Present Day

         
26
         
 

Although Gwen had known by the age of four
that objects derive color from their innate chemical structure—which absorbs certain wavelengths of light and reflects others—she now understood that the soul had a light of its own that colored the world too.

It was an essential light, the light of joy, of wonder, of hope.

Without it, the world was dark. Didn’t matter how many lights she turned on, everything was flat, gray, empty. Sleeping, she dreamed of him, her Highland lover. Waking, she lost him all over again.

Most days she hurt too much even to open her eyes.

So she stayed in bed in her tiny apartment, drapes pulled, lights off, phone unplugged, reliving every moment they’d spent together, alternately laughing and crying. On rare occasions, she tried to persuade herself to get out of bed. Short of bathroom jaunts to attend a queasy stomach, or stumbling to the door to pay the pizza guy, it wasn’t working.

She was mortally wounded, but her stupid heart kept pumping.

How was she supposed to live without him?

She’d been deceived by platitudes and clichés. Time did
not
heal all wounds. Time didn’t do a damn thing. Truth was, time had stolen her lover away, and if she lived to be a hundred—heaven forbid she suffer
that
long—she’d never forgive time.

That’s silly,
the scientist sniffed.

Gwen groaned, rolling over on her side and pulling a pillow over her head.
Leave me alone. You’ve never been any help to me. You didn’t even warn me that saving him would make me lose him.

I tried to. You didn’t want to hear me. And I’m trying to help you now
, the scientist said stiffly.
You need to get up.

Go away.

You’d better get up, unless you want to sleep in that three-day-old slice of pizza you just ate.

Well, that was one way out of bed, a shaking Gwen decided a few moments later as she weakly brushed her teeth. Seemed to be the only way she got up lately. Squinting, she braced herself before turning on the light so she could see to wipe off the toilet. The light hurt her eyes and it took her several moments to adjust. When she caught a glimpse of herself in the mirror, she gasped.

She looked awful. Her hair was dull and tangled, her skin pale, her eyes red and swollen from crying. Her face looked gaunt, her eyes defeated.

She really needed to get herself together, she thought dimly.

If not for you, then for the child
, the scientist agreed.

“Wh-what?” Her voice, so long unused, cracked, and the word escaped in a hoarse, disbelieving croak.

Child. The child, you idiot
, the scientist snapped.

Gwen gaped, stunned, staring at her reflection. She peered at herself a long while, brows furrowed.

Shouldn’t her skin look radiant or something if she was pregnant? Shouldn’t she have gained a little weight? She glanced dubiously down at her flat stomach. Flatter than it had ever been in her life. She’d definitely
lost
weight, not gained.

Don’t tell me you can’t do the math. When’s the last time we had our period?

Gwen felt a tiny bud of hope blossom in her heart.

She squelched it firmly. A dangerous feeling: hope. No way—she was not going that route. She’d hope she was pregnant, only to be doubly crushed when she found out it wasn’t true. It would destroy her. She was in bad enough shape already.

She shook her head bitterly. The scientist was wrong this time. “I’m not pregnant,” she told her reflection flatly. “I’m depressed. Big big difference.” It was simply stress making her period late, nothing more. It had happened before. During her Great Fit of Rebellion, she’d skipped two periods.

Fine. So crawl back in bed, keep eating stale pizza, and refuse to wonder why you’ve been getting sick. Blame it all on stress. And when you lose our baby because you won’t take care of yourself, don’t blame me.

“
Lose
our baby!” she gasped. Fear knifed through her and her eyes flew wide. If there was even a remote possibility that she had a child of Drustan’s inside her, there was no way she was losing it. And afraid though she was to hope—because of how awful the potential disappointment might be—she acknowledged that there was more than a possibility. There was a probability. They’d made love repeatedly, and she was not on birth control. If she hadn’t been so lost in misery, she might have considered it sooner. If she was pregnant and did anything to jeopardize the baby, she would just die.

Stricken, she stumbled back into the bedroom, turned on the light, and took a good look around, thinking hard. Counting days, looking for clues.

Her bedroom was a pigsty. Pizza boxes, with half-eaten slices dotted the floor. Glasses with milk-encrusted bottoms were forgotten atop the bed table. Cracker wrappers were strewn across the bed: crackers she’d been nibbling in the morning to calm her queasy stomach.

“Oh, my God,” she whispered. “Oh, please, oh, please let it be true.”

The wait to discover if she was pregnant was interminable.

No at-home pregnancy test for Gwen Cassidy—she needed to hear whatever news it was directly from a doctor.

After giving both a urine and blood sample, Gwen tapped her foot and sat tensely in the crowded waiting room of her doctor’s office. She felt wired from head to toe. She shifted position a dozen times, changed chairs, fanned through every magazine in the office. She paced. Periodically made sure the receptionist knew she was still alive.

The receptionist scowled each time she passed by, and Gwen suspected the woman thought she was mildly unbalanced. When Gwen had called earlier, nearly hysterical, insisting on seeing the doctor immediately, the receptionist had brusquely informed her that Dr. Carolyn Devore had no openings for several weeks.

Gwen had pleaded and sobbed until finally the frustrated receptionist had put Carolyn on the phone. Her dear, wonderful doctor since childhood, who’d become a friend over the years, had squeezed her in.

“Sit,” the receptionist snapped, exasperated, as Gwen paced by again. “You’re making the other patients nervous.”

Mortified, Gwen glanced around at the roomful of people and slunk back to her chair.

“Ms. Cassidy?” A nurse poked her head around the corner.

“That’s me!” She shot back up and trotted after the nurse. “That’s me,” she informed the receptionist brightly.

A few moments later, she took a seat on the examining table. Hugging herself in the chilly room, she sat, feet swinging, waiting.

When the door opened and Carolyn Devore stepped in, Gwen said breathlessly, “Well?”

Carolyn closed the door, smiling. “You were right. You’re pregnant, Gwen.”

“
I am
?” she breathed, scarcely daring to believe it.

“Yes.”

“Truly?” she persisted.

Carolyn laughed. “Absolutely and unequivocally.”

Gwen hopped off the table and hugged her. “I
love
you, Carolyn,” she exclaimed. “Oh, thank you!”

Carolyn laughed again. “I can hardly take credit for it, but you’re welcome.”

For several minutes, all Gwen could do was repeat “I’m pregnant,” a delighted smile on her face.

“You need to gain weight, Gwen,” Carolyn chided. “I squeezed you in this afternoon because you sounded so awful on the phone. It worried me.” She paused, as if searching for a delicate way to continue. “I know you lost both your parents this year.” Her brown gaze was sympathetic.

Gwen nodded tightly, smile fading.

“Grieving takes its toll. You’re ten pounds lighter than you were at your last checkup. I’m starting you on supplements today and putting you on a special diet. It’s fairly self-explanatory, but if you have any questions, call me. Eat. Feel free to stuff yourself. Go overboard for a while.” She gave Gwen a folder of menu suggestions and a bag of sample supplements to tide her over until she went to the drugstore.

“Yes, ma’am,” Gwen promised. “Scout’s honor. I’ll gain, I promise.”

“Will the father be helping you?” Carolyn asked carefully.

Gwen took a deep breath.
I am strong
, she told herself.
My baby is depending on me.
“He’s…um…he, er…died.” The word escaped in a soft rush of air; merely saying it hurt her to the marrow in her bones.
Five hundred years ago
, she didn’t say. Carolyn would have packed her off to a cushy, padded hospital if she’d said that.

“Oh, Gwen,” Carolyn exclaimed, squeezing her hand, “I’m so sorry.”

Gwen glanced away, unable to meet Carolyn’s sympathetic gaze. Simple kindness could undo her, make the tears come. Carolyn must have sensed it, because her voice changed, became briskly professional again.

“I can’t stress enough that you must gain weight. Your body is going to need special care, and I’d like to schedule an ultrasound.”

“An ultrasound? Why? Is something wrong?” Gwen was alarmed and her gaze flew back up to Carolyn’s.

“No, nothing’s wrong,” Carolyn hastened to assure her. “In fact,” she added, smiling, “depending on your outlook, you might think it’s something wonderful. Your hCG levels lead me to believe you’re carrying twins. An ultrasound will give us a definite answer.”

“Oh, my God! Twins!” Gwen cried. “Twins,” she repeated disbelievingly. Twins just like Drustan and Dageus. A chill raced through her—not just one of his babies, but two!
Oh, Drustan,
she thought, lanced by piercing sorrow.
Twins, my love!
How he would have rejoiced in the news, how he would have celebrated the birth of their children!

But he would never know, would never see his sons or daughters. She would never get to share this with him. She closed her eyes against a wave of pain.

Carolyn watched her closely. “Are you all right, Gwen?”

Gwen nodded, her throat tight. After a long moment, she opened her eyes again.

“If you need to talk, Gwen…” Carolyn trailed off, waiting.

Gwen nodded stiffly. “Thank you, but I think it’s just going to take some time.” She forced a weak smile. “I’ll be fine, Carolyn. I’ll take care of myself, I promise.” Nothing would jeopardize her babies.