Knockout (28 page)

“They’re beautiful.”

“Thank you,” I breathed.

His being this close, it was getting to me. I knew he was doing it on purpose.

“So you’re not my girl, huh?” he asked suddenly, his eyes sharp on mine.

“I thought that’s what we agreed on. No labels or expectations. Just us being us.”

“That is us. I’ve always thought of you as mine.”

I blinked, surprised. I took a deep breath and whispered, “Me too.”

He grinned. Yeah, he was doing this on purpose. “You always thought of yourself as mine or the other way around?”

“Both?”

“Good.”

He slung his arm around me and hugged me tightly to his side where it stank of sweat and man and his skin slid slick across mine. It was gross. But did I complain? No. Why would I? I was home.

“Careful,” I cautioned, nodding in the direction of a group of girls who were watching us. Well, they were watching Kellen. “Your groupies will be mad.”

“Screw ‘em.”

“Isn’t that the idea?”

He laughed, squeezing me tighter. “Not anymore. Hey, I gotta take a shower and then I’m taking you to dinner. We’ll celebrate.”

“Where are we going?”

He began slowly backing away. “I’m thinking somewhere fancy.”

“So
Denny’s
then?”

“You know it. I’ll have to wear a shirt
and
shoes.”

“You take me to the nicest places.”

“I’m a baller.”

“But what are you going to order when we get there?”

“An omelet.”

“Oh, Kellen,” I said, feigning disappointment.

He threw his arms up high over his head and shouted loudly, “Moon Over My Hammy!”

The entire gym looked at him like he was insane. And he probably was, but it was adorable just the same.

“I’m so proud!” I called after him as he disappeared into the back to hit the showers.

I made a point of waiting near the door, far away from the other fighters but most of all I avoided the other spectators. The other girls. The gym whores were in full force, making the rounds and chatting up the guys there to fight. Some women were there with men to cheer them on, the same way I was there with Kellen, but there were always a few there to see the fighters. To see if they could get close to them the same way you saw women hanging around the stands behind the dugout at a baseball game. Major or Minor league, some women just wanted to be close to the athletes.

I was more annoyed than ever by their presence because Kellen had always been a crowd favorite. When he walked out of the locker room freshly showered, his brown hair slightly spiked and wet, his T-shirt straining across his chest and his heavy gym bag slung effortlessly over one shoulder, they gravitated toward him. I held my place by the door and I waited.

“Great fight, Kellen,” a brunette told him, swooping in, dragging her fingertips over his arm and stepping back coyly.

She was either stupid or full of shit. It’d been a terrible fight. Ugly and ill won.

“Thanks,” he said curtly.

“We’re having some people over tonight,” a girl with caramel hair said. “You should come by. You remember my address, right?”

“Yeah, I’m busy tonight. Thanks though.”

To his credit, Kellen never stopped walking, even as they flocked around him.

“That’s okay. We’ll be up late. At least I will be. You should come by whenever.”

“Can’t make it. You guys have fun.” He was steps away from me, the girls falling behind him when he gave me huge
Help me!
hostage eyes. “Are you ready to get out of here?”

I smirked at him. “Are you sure you don’t want get her number? Go to that party?”

“You’re funny.”

“You already have her number, don’t you?” I asked, stepping out the door when he opened it for me.

“Had. Past tense.”

“What? Had her number or her?”

He looked at me sideways, his mouth tightly closed.

“Oh come on! We said us being us. This is us. You wouldn’t be shy about telling me. Phone number or her?”

“Both,” he admitted reluctantly.

“And the other girl?”

“That’s enough sharing for today.”

“You dog,” I teased, poking his side. He swatted halfheartedly at me. “What happened to ‘those aren’t the kind of girls I mess with. They’re the kind that want to see guys fight over them.’ rant you once gave me.”

“It was more of a credo.”

“Pretty long credo. A credo is usually confined to a few words. Live for love and honor. Fight the good fight. Drive it like you stole it.”

“Fuck her like you hate her.”

My eyes grew huge. “Whoa, okay, yeah. I mean, I’m not going to crochet it on a pillow for you, but if that’s how you live. Is that your next tattoo? ‘Cause I don’t know how I’m going to make that beautiful.”

“You’d find a way and no. Those were dark days. They’re past tense, like the girls.”

“Were they between Laney?”

He stopped, turning to look at me. His face was creepy serious. “What are you asking?”

“You know what I’m asking,” I said, refusing to chicken out despite that stare.

“You’re asking if I ever cheated on Laney?”

“Yeah.”

“No.”

“Okay.”

“Why would you ask that?”

I shrugged, looking down the street, away from him. “I wanted to know.”

“You already did know. If I had cheated on Laney, I would have told you. You’d be the only person I’d tell. This is about the kiss in the bathroom, isn’t it?”

“Yeah,” I admitted softly.

“I broke off the engagement within hours of that.”

“But I didn’t know that was going to happen and I still let the kiss happen.”

“I attacked you.”

I looked at him sharply. “Don’t make excuses for me.”

He nodded calmly. “Okay.”

I stood there in the warming sun staring at him and wondering what I was doing. Where was I going with all of this? Why couldn’t I let that alone? It had been one kiss that had felt like a longtime coming. Not even an extension of the moment when I was seventeen but like something new. Something far less physical but way more emotional. The way he’d touched me… I still wasn’t over it. I still wanted more. But I still ached with guilt.

“Jenna,” Kellen said, his voice firm but gentle. “Is it something you can’t handle?”

“What do you mean?”

“The timing of that kiss. Is it something you can’t get past?”

“I don’t know,” I said honestly.

Kellen swore as he ran his hand over his hair and looked at the ground. He stood frozen that way for a long moment before cursing again and taking a step back.

“I fucked it up before it even started,” he growled angrily.

“Kel,”

“Here I thought I was doing this right,” he railed, beginning to pace the sidewalk. “We’ve been taking it slow, putting distance between us and the engagement, I’ve been getting my shit back together. I’m taking the firemen’s test next week—“

“You’re going to be a fireman?” I asked, shocked. Why hadn’t I heard about this?

“But it doesn’t matter because I couldn’t keep it together for two more hours. Four years I’d been thinking about what it’d be like to kiss you again and I couldn’t wait two more fucking hours.”

“Stop, wait. Talk to me about this.”

“I’m no good at that,” he said, sounding so frustrated.

“Look at me.”

He paused his pacing in front of me, his hands on his hips and his head down, staring at the pavement. Finally he looked up at me but his eyes were distant. He was gone.

Feeling frustrated myself, I reached up and put my hands over his eyes.

“What are you—“

“Shut up,” I told him sternly. “We’re backtracking. Talk about the firefighter thing.”

“Jenna, why are—“

“Nope, no questions. Jenna’s not here. Can you see her? No, because she’s not here. You’re alone. Now talk.”

“I’m not a toddler.”

“You take instructions like one. Talk,” I barked.

He stood silently for a good ten seconds. If he was waiting me out, he was dealing with the wrong person. Finally, reluctantly, he spoke.

“I’ve been looking into becoming a firefighter.”

I didn’t reply. I stood there with my hands blinding him and I waited silently.

He sighed. “I think it’s something I’d enjoy. Something I’d get satisfaction from.”

More silence. More patience.

“It’s physically challenging, which I like, but it’s also helping people. The nurses in New York, they told me the first responders to the accident were firefighters. They’re trained EMTs. If they hadn’t gotten there when they did, I’d be dead. They saved my life.”

I bit my lip, thinking of that night when Laney told me he was gone. I remembered how my body had seized up. How I’d felt like I was dead too.

“Can I have my eyes back now?”

“Not yet. Not until we talk about the kiss.”

He breathed out hard, his hot breath rushing over the thin skin of my wrists. I could feel his annoyance in the sting of the heat.

“I messed up. I’m sorry,” he said quietly.

“We messed up,” I amended, “and I think we’re both sorry. But I can’t move past it. I think that’s why I was so willing to take things slow. It’s smart, yeah, and the right thing to do but it’s also because I’m worried. I don’t want to start us off on a lie.”

“Do you want to start us off at all?” he asked gruffly, his voice going low and deep.

“Yes,” I said with absolute certainty, “but we have to come clean first.”

He reached up and gently pulled my hands from his eyes. He blinked in the bright sunlight but then he focused on me and I could see the reluctance written plainly on his face.

“This will not go well,” he warned me.

“I know.”

“She was never going to like us being together, but knowing there was even a second of overlap…”

“She’ll go insane, yeah. I know. But just because it’s difficult, it doesn’t change the fact that it’s right.”

He nodded in agreement though his eyes were still tense. This was so far out of his comfort zone it wasn’t even funny.

“Tell her together or alone?” he asked.

“Together,” I said adamantly. “I think it’s important there are witnesses. Less chance we’ll end up a Lifetime Original Movie that way.”

“I thought you said I’d never have to see him again,” Laney said angrily, crossing her arms over her chest.

It had been a month since Kellen and I decided to tell her the truth. I was the one who had stalled. I was scared, plain and simple.

But now there she sat at the opposite end of my couch from me while Kellen was across from us in a chair, leaning forward with his forearms on his thighs. His hands were noticeably clenched together. We both knew this was happening and we both knew it would be horrible.

“I never promised that. I said you wouldn’t see him any more than you see Sam.”

“Still too much,” she muttered.

“Trust me,” Kellen told her dryly, “I don’t want to be here any more than you want me here. Probably less.”

“That’s impossible. And why are we here anyway? You said you had something important to tell me. Does Kellen have a VD, ‘cause that doesn’t surprise me at all.”

“Nice.”

“Stop talking,” she snapped at him.

“Both of you stop talking,” I said tiredly. I had a killer headache and the nightmare hadn’t even begun. “At least to each other. Laney,”

I didn’t know how to say this. How did a person say this?

I kissed your fiancé.

I made out with your fiancé.

I’m in love with your fiancé, I always have been.

I am so so sorry.

“What, Jenna?” she barked. “The sooner you say it the sooner I can get away from him.”

“I kissed him,” I blurted out, my heart racing up into my throat until I thought I would vomit on the words.

Laney’s face pinched. “Why?”

“No,” Kellen said decisively, “I kissed her.”

“What do you mean why?” I asked.

“That doesn’t matter, Jen. It matters that we told her that it happened.”

Laney glared at him. “When did it happen?”

Oh shit.

I knew this was coming, this was the entire point, but it still wrenched my gut to hear her ask. But I knew I had to answer if I was ever going to feel right about myself again. Or right about Kellen and I. It was the thing holding me back with him, making me hesitant and afraid. The way I’d felt about him had always been illicit, no matter how persistent, genuine and even reciprocated those feelings may have been. I was ready so for that to stop.