KNOT: A Wake Family Novel (54 page)

I no longer felt like I was fired, more corralled. “Mr. McClelland, is there a problem I should know about?” I’d neither attended a meeting where there were so many silent faces, nor one so brief. It gave me an uneasy feeling.

“No. We don’t think there is a problem anymore. You shouldn’t be too concerned. We thought we’d know a little more than we do now, but things have changed. We should have a game plan by Monday. Please, go on your trip and come back ready to work. I don’t think I speak for myself when I say you do an outstanding job for our company, and we only see you going higher and higher. With a senior partner position opened up, I think you’ll have a lot to think about next week.” He stood, smiling, and everyone else did, too. “Have a good weekend. We’ll talk more about this Monday.”

What he’d said reassured me. Maybe I was being promoted. Would I get the Koehl Worldwide account now?

I’d have to wait and see.

Making partner had been on my shortlist of goals, the next step in my big life plan. Looking into the face of it didn’t feel as sweet as I’d imagined.

I was still thinking about Nora. The courthouse. The slap. Seeing her with him. How none of it felt like a truce.

What had she wanted to talk about?

Would it even matter anymore?

There was a time when I truly believed I could have it all. Felt the power of promise and a bright future, and there it was before me. Dull and unfulfilling.

PAST Nora—Wednesday, September 15, 2010

T
he pain in my heart was dull, but persistent.

I sat in the courtroom beside Ives, someone who had been a good friend for a long time. My tears were real, and some of them had been for my dear friends, but most of them were for me.

And for Reagan.

The look on his face when he saw me that morning was utterly catastrophic. I hated seeing fury in his eyes toward me. I’d planned on calling him after I left the courthouse. I knew it was the weekend of his sister’s wedding.

I’d hoped that meeting with him that night, over dinner discussing things, would make things different.

I was so scared—so nervous—that I’d put off calling him. I could add that to a long line of times when I’d hesitated and stepped further into this hell.

Still, I’d slapped him.

It wasn’t his fault, but the venom in his words caused me to defend myself physically. Because it hurt so bad that he’d think so little of me to say it. To even think it.

When the trial was over, and the outcome was won in Janel’s favor, I still felt like I’d lost.

Even though I wouldn’t be attending the wedding now, for sure, I still needed to explain things. Many things.

I stepped out of the cab at 750 Lakeshore Drive and took a look up the height of it. The sun was going down, and it looked like a wall of fire. I wasn’t sure if he’d be there or not, but before he left, I had to see him. He’d expected the worst of me, and I had to quit deserving that.

I had to tell him the truth.

“Hello, Ms. Koehl,” said the gentleman at the desk. It wasn’t Dirk, so I wasn’t as confident I’d be let up as easily as I was the last time.

“I’m going up to see Reagan,” I said and pointed to the elevators.

He stepped around the desk and started to walk with me. “Actually, Ms. Koehl, we’ve been instructed to call up all visitors for Mr. Warren. After Dirk let you up, he was let go, ma’am.”

Reagan had him fired? Poor, Dirk Dangler.

I stopped and faced him, and he did the same.
Kevin Reinhart
his name tag said. Kevin hadn’t been there long when I’d lived there. He looked worried, and I didn’t want him to get in trouble because of me.

“Kevin, would it be okay if I call Mr. Warren myself to let him know I’m here?” I tried to remain calm, all the while knowing I might not get up there to see him. Maybe he was done, and I was truly blocked out.

“I’d feel more comfortable if I called up,” he admitted. I took a breath and tried to hold onto my composure. My eyes stung, but I wouldn’t cry.

He nodded toward the seating area and followed me that way rounding the desk to pick up the phone. I sat facing him, but I couldn’t really tell what he was saying since the receiver was in front of his mouth. He bounced on his toes, I appreciated the optimism. I had none.

He hung up the phone, not looking disappointed, still putting on a pleasant face. Again, for my benefit, and I appreciated it.

My knee bounced.

“Ms. Koehl, Mr. Warren says he doesn’t want any visitors because he’s terribly busy. He wanted me to tell you that he’ll be at his sister’s wedding this weekend, and,
hopefully,
he’d see you there. But…” He stalled and looked around to make sure no one could hear.

“Kevin, what did he say?” I sounded desperate, so I sat up straighter and ran my hand over my pants. Fighting for a shred of poise.

“But, if not, he said to tell you goodbye.”

He’d laid down his terms.

I sat further into the chair, and Kevin offered a sympathetic smile before he left me there.

I stared at the ceiling and held my tears back, but they burned like Hell’s fire.

I couldn’t much reschedule my meeting, not now after delaying it once already. Eventually, I had to get a cab and head back to my hotel.

I was staying at the Renaissance. With this new leaf I was turning over, it had felt like a good omen. In the chair in the lobby of the Lunar, it seemed more like a jinx.

I could tuck my tail and go home, forget it all and figure out another solution.

Or I could keep going for him.

The meeting went well on Friday. It was odd not having someone speak for me, and although I was new with my wealth in some regards, I was smart.

I rode to the airport, not exactly sure where I’d go.

If I went home, and let the pieces fall where with would, I’d still win. I’d still get to keep part of him, if he accepted.

For a long time, I sat in a seat across from the ticket counter. Evening turned to night. I watched people pass. I studied one couple, a younger pair, and they stood side-by-side chatting and talking, sharing stolen kisses when they thought no one noticed.

I was jealous of them, then I watched—ticket in hand—as he kissed her much harder and they parted ways. She strolled down the hall toward security. No doubt leaving. From where I sat, I observed in amazement as the man walked by without any regret on his face.

They parted, and neither of them looked slain or shattered.

What a revelation.

They weren’t sad? Crying? The two had obviously been in love. How strange that they didn’t look so abused by separation.

Then it all seemed so clear. When they said goodbye, it wasn’t the end.

I sat there two hours longer and came to terms with myself.

Bought a ticket.

It didn’t leave until the next morning.

Sleep in a chair.

No more chairs for me. I’m too old for this shit.

People arrive at the gate.

I watch them mill around.

The flight is delayed.

Mechanical trouble.
Great
.

Wait.

They’re bringing another plane.

As soon as they have a full staff, they’ll update our boarding time.

Move to a seat closer to the gate counter so I won’t miss the announcement.

Fall asleep.

“Hello. Again, we’re very sorry for the delay today. We’d like to begin boarding our uniformed military, First Class, anyone needing assistance, and families with small children.”

Flight one down.

“I’m sorry. There is no way we can get you into Coos Bay, Oregon tonight, but we have a flight leaving Houston for Portland. You can rent a car and drive from there. You’ll probably get there faster. Unfortunately, there isn’t another flight into Coos Bay until Sunday morning.”

Land in Portland.

Rent a car.

I missed the wedding.
Again
.

Pull up the long drive, and fix my face.

Turn on the charm. No fucking around this time.

I need a key to his room.

If this is over, I’m ending it the way he deserves. I need to be able to walk away from him with a smile.

I’d get to keep part of him after tonight, but this one time, I’d give him the parts of me he wanted.

I’d let the ends justify the means.

Nora—Sunday, September 19, 2010

“I loved you,” I said. He told me I didn’t have a choice in the matter, but I did. I’d chosen to love him, and saying it was both terrifying and relieving. I’d held onto those words for so long out of fear, but I didn’t have anything to lose anymore. Even if I didn’t get him in the end, loving him was prize enough.

He scrambled up my body and moved the hair from my face.

“Say it again,” he demanded.

“I loved you. I loved you. I loved you,” I cried, overwhelmed by the moment. “I loved you this whole time. But it’s is too hard. I want to be what you want, but I’m not.” My lip shook, and my voice cracked as sobs tried to fight their way up my throat.

“I know you’ve given up, and that’s okay. But, I still need you, and maybe this way will be better. I was only with Ives for Janel’s court case. He caught Justin mishandling things.” Reagan’s face paled, and he sat us both up. “I’ve talked to your bosses, and the account is yours. I wanted to tell you before I met with them, but you saw me with Ives and wouldn’t let me up to your apartment to explain. I need you to help me. I’ve told Price-McClelland that either you handle my account from now on, or I’m leaving them.”

Reagan was dumbfounded, his hand on his forehead scratching.

Then, he reached for my hands, “I’m sorry I said that to you the other morning. I knew better.”

What was done was done.

“I’ve told Ives I won’t be needing him anymore either. Even though he’d told me about Justin when he discovered it, he’d been the one who recommended him. Reagan, I can’t trust him. I only trust you. I know you’ll do a good job, and maybe we’ll get to see each other now without our hearts being so mangled by it.”

He was rattled, and his eyes darted back and forth in mine.

“This is my decision. I’m proud of it. I know this is what’s best—what’s salvageable for us.”

“I could have done both. You know?” he said.

“Maybe, but I can’t guarantee things would work out with us the other way. Let’s be kind tonight.
Please
. Let’s try to move ahead, we can’t go back.”

His face fell.

We both surrendered. Broken. Rock bottom.

I climbed into his arms, and he rocked me as I cried. “I’m sorry for all of this. For everything. I’m sorry I’m not strong enough.”

He kissed my shoulder and talked into my skin. “I’m sorry I left you in Switzerland. I thought you would be happier without me. I thought you had everything anyone could want. I can’t provide for you or take care of you. You don’t need me.”

My arms held him tight. In some ways, I think I was trying to hold on to everything in that moment. The acceptance. I didn’t own the pain of our past alone.

We shared it—maybe for the first time.

“I miss you so much sometimes. I miss the laughing. Now you’re always so angry and cross. That’s not what love is, Reagan.”