Knowing Me Knowing You (18 page)

By the time she got downstairs Joel was serving up the food and her kitchen looked like it had been given a spring clean. All her dishes had been washed up and everything was neat and tidy. The chaos had completely evaporated.

‘
Are you gay?
’
Kate blurted out, watching Joel spooning out the food onto plates.

‘
What?
’

‘
Sorry, I mean you always seem to look immaculate, you enjoy female company but you don’t have a girlfriend, you’ve finished cooking the dinner without any of the problems I encountered and now you’ve tidied my kitchen for me, I just wondered that’s all. That isn’t straight male behaviour.
’

‘
And I do love
Glee
,
’
Joel added with a grin.

‘
You do?
’
Kate queried.

‘
Hell no!
And I’m not gay,
’
Joel answered with a laugh.

‘
Not that it would matter, because I mean
…’

‘
Dinner’s ready,
’
Joel said, carrying the plates to the dining area where he had also set up the table.

‘
Great,
’
Kate said and hurried over to sit down.

‘
I take it you don’t cook all that often,
’
Joel sp
oke as he sat down opposite her
and began to eat.

‘
What makes you say that? Have you tasted it? Is it bad?
’
Kate asked, drinking some wine.

‘
No, it was the year’s supply of microwave meals in the cupboard, the complete lack of fresh food in the fridge and the absence of a spice rack.
’

‘
I don’t get the time really and I’m not, really that good at it,
’
Kate admitted, taking a bite of her food.

‘
This is good though,
’
Joel told her as he ate.

‘
This is Hermione’s foolproof recipe and I almost cocked that up, well not that the punching thing was my fault
,
but I’m not sure I added enough flour to the stock anyway.
’

‘
Well I think it’s pretty good. So, do you want to tell me why Matthew’s girlfriend would be attacking you on your own doorstep?
’
Joel asked, looking over at her.

Kate hurriedly explained.

‘
And I guess she hasn’t taken the maintenance increase too well.
’

‘
No, so it seems. Look, Joel, thank you for agreeing to do
Knowing Me Knowing You
with me. I mean, it means a lot to me to try and no
t be dependent on
Matthew and…
’
Kate started, taking another drink of her wine.

‘
You don’t have to keep thanking me; if we win I’ll be taking my cut of the proceeds,
’
Joel
asked
.

‘
Of course,
’
Kate agreed.

‘
So, where do we start?
’
Joel
enquired
.

‘
Well, I’ve got some questions right here,
’
Kate said, reaching over to the sideboard and picking up a piece of paper.

‘
Cool.
’

‘
OK
,
I’ve written down to ask about family background, siblings, parents, where you used to live etc. and then I’ve moved into the realms of what car do you drive, what aftershave do you wear and what do you find most attractive in a woman. I thought that sounded like a question that would roll off Larry Rawlins’ tongue.
’

‘
You’re probably right,
’
Joel agreed with a laugh.

‘
Do you want to start?
’
Kate suggested nervously.

‘
Sure. Well, first off, I’m adopted
.
S
o
,
as far as I know I don’t have any brothers or sisters. My adoptive parents live in
Kent
and that’s where I was brought up. I did A-levels, I went to university, did my degree, did some highly embarrassing underwear modelling and then I joined the Army. After that I got the job at the gym here in
Highbridge
. I’ve got a Honda Civic, I wear Davidoff Cool Water and the most attractive thing for me in a woman is a sense of humour. I think everyone should stop taking themselves so seriously.
’

‘
God, you sound like you’ve done this sort of thing before, all that tripped right off the tongue,
’
Kate remarked, eating a forkful of food and drinking some more wine.

‘
So, how about you?
Or maybe I should guess. Right, let’s see, I’m thinking always lived in
Highbridge
, worked hard to qualify as a lawyer, drives a Ford Fiesta because I’ve seen one parked outside with a Baby on Board sign. I know you wear a perfume by Yves St
Laurent
,
because believe me I’ve got to know my perfumes over the last eighteen months
,
but I have no idea what you would find most attractive in a man.
Intelligence?
Maybe
-
warmth?
’
Joel spoke, smiling at Kate.

‘
Not bad I suppose. My parents, they died, five years ago, in a car accident. I don’t have any siblings either, the Ford Fiesta is mine and I do wear Yves St Laurent, it’s called Opium by the way, but I’m on the absolutely last dregs of it so don’t wear it often, most days it
’
s eau de porridge for me,
’
Kate answered with a sigh.

‘
I’m sorry, about your parents,
’
Joel said.

‘
That’s OK; it was one of those things, a stupid twist of fate, wrong place
,
wrong
time. And they left me with a pile of debt to sort out that I didn’t have a clue about, which is partly why I’m in the mess I’m in now
-
no savings to speak of. There we ar
e
,
that’s my life in a nutshell.
M
ore wine?
’
Kate offered.

She didn’t like to talk about her past, it was still painful and with Matthew gone it just made her realise how alone she really was now.

She filled up Joel’s glass before he had a chance to decline.

‘
And what’s most attractive for you in a man?
’
Joel asked her.

‘
Well,
er
, I don’t know really, honesty maybe
.
Honesty
might be appropriate at the moment because I haven’t had a lot of it lately,
’
Kate said.

‘
Is that Matthew there?
’
Joel asked, indicating the picture of Matthew and
Bethan
on the sideboard.

‘
Yes, that’s Matthew,
’
Kate replied with a heavy sigh.

She’d removed most of the pictures, the wedding one she ripped up, the one at the lovely little fish restaurant on their honeymoon, the one she took of Matthew wearing a nun’s habit on his
thirtieth
birthday. She couldn’t eradicate him from her life completely
though, he was
Bethan’s
father and although he didn’t want to see her she didn’t want her daughter to completely forget what he looked like, especially if one day she turned round and blamed Kate for her not knowing who he was. It happened, she watched
Jeremy Kyle
.

Later, after a bowl of Sarah Lee’s finest and two bottles of wine, they sat on the sofa and attempted to re-enact the game show. Kate, glowing from her sixth glass of wine was determined to impersonate Larry Rawlins.

‘
Just concentrate hard and pretend I’m wearing a ridiculous
toup
é
e
and a flashy silver jacket. OK Joel, we asked Kate, if she could be any brand of chocolate bar, which one would it be? Would it be
A,
a Kit-Kat, simpl
e yet satisfying, would it be B,
a Mars bar, hu
nky and chunky or would it be C,
a
Crunchie
, plain on the outside but mouth wateringly exciting inside?
’
Kate spoke, camping up her voice to sound like the host of
Knowing Me Knowing You
.

‘
I think you should be writing the questions,
’
Joel responded with a laugh as he watched her.

‘
Come on Joel, I nee
d an answer from you.
D
on’t make me repeat the options and keep the lovely Kate in that rather poor excuse for a glass booth over there.
’

‘
OK, OK, I think
C,
a
Crunchie
.
’

‘
CORRECT! That’s another Kissing Gate on the board!
’
Kate announced, dancing from one foot to the other and picking up her glass of wine to down the contents.

‘
You’re crazy,
’
Joel said with a shake of his head.

‘
It’s your turn, come on
.
G
et some more wine, get into character, feel yourself actually becoming Larry Rawlins,
’
Kate said, sitting down on the sofa and making Joel stand up.

‘
I didn’t sign up for role playing.
’

‘
No? Didn’t I mention that? Now, I want to hear an authentic voice and see some winking at camera one, which is over there by the way,
’
Kate spoke.

She was definitely halfway to drunk, things were becoming fuzzy round the edges but it wasn’t such a bad feeling especially when she had someone like Joel to look at. She was going to give him
forty percent
of the money if they won the contest, she may as well ogle him while she had the opportunity.

‘
OK, l
adies and
g
entlemen, we asked Joel, if you and Kate have a disagreement wh
at is it usually about? Is it A,
money, Kate spends too
much on hiring escorts, is it B,
food, all Kate eats is microwave meals or is it
C,
Larry Rawlins
-
who does the best impersonation of him?
’
Joel spoke.

Kate laughed out loud and then threw a cushion across the room at him.

‘
You aren’t taking this seriously! That isn’t the sort of question he would ask, ask me another,
’
Kate ordered.

‘
OK, OK, sorry. We asked Joel what sort of underwear he preferred his women to wear.
’

‘
OK maybe I would have preferred the other question.
’

‘
Would it be
A,
a thong – after al
l less is more or would it be B,
Bridget Jones pants – because a lady should have curves in all the right places or is it
C,
plain white cotton bikini briefs – because we all remember our first time?
’

‘
I think I’ve had enough now, I feel sick,
’
Kate said, sitting down on the sofa with a sigh.

‘
Don’t know what type of underwear I prefer?
’
Joel asked with a smile.

‘
I couldn’t care less,
’
Kate answered
,
holding her arms across her chest annoyed he was predictably interested in lingerie.

‘
Neither could I,
’
Joel said with a laugh.

‘
What?
’

‘
I don’t have underwear preferences, I just thought it was the sort of lame question they would ask,
’
Joel told her.

‘
We haven’t asked each other a dilemma question yet,
’
Kate said as she poured more wine into her glass.