“Lucca, put me down. I’m not going back with you, not tonight.” As much as I will myself to forget this mess tonight and wish that I could turn back time and be blissfully snuggled in Lucca’s arms without any challenges, I can’t. It’s too raw.
“Stop it. You are coming back, and we will talk about this. What the hell are you thinking running barefoot again? I would have thought you would have learned your lesson in Tuscany. Jesus, Lexi, look at the goddamn fucking state of your soles again,” he protests.
“Lucca, I’m going to ask you one more time, put me down. I’m not coming home with you. Kimberley was enough to rile me tonight, but …
then
I come home to discover a blonde fucking bimbo in my bed, asking me to join in on a threesome while she gets herself off fucking naked in front of me! I’m done. It’s too much, and I can’t handle this.” Trembling, I sob against his muscular arm because I can’t look up at him and have no strength to break free.
I don’t want to see his eyes while I’m so furious. I’m afraid they will melt me and I’m too hurt to be crumbling just now. I think I might even hate him as much as I did immediately before my wrist operation in Tuscany.
He sighs and holds on tighter, his heart racing in a panic.
“Lucca, drop me now.” He doesn’t respond. “Now!” I scream. I can’t even relax in his embrace because I am so wound up. Ordinarily his protective arms around me would centre me, but tonight instead of feeling cherished and protected, I feel betrayed and used.
“No, I am not putting you down until I explain. She is a trespasser and a whore and has no right being in our home. You need to believe I had no part in this tonight, and it is cutting me up that you had to witness that,” he adds, pressing his nose and lips into my hair.
I’m still furious she was there in the first place. Even though Lucca played no part in tonight, it still should never have happened. I feel like I’ve been kicked in the stomach and tossed in the gutter. I’m sure my insecurities are contributing to my freak out, but I don’t know how else to cope with this. Then it occurs to me that normally I would have an anxiety attack when I feel challenged, stressed, hurt or scared. I haven’t had any chest pain because I think I am too angry to even start one; plus the adrenaline from running has my heart rate accelerated anyway. I hope an anxiety attack doesn’t start when or if my blood stops boiling.
The front door opens and a sleepy Jessica comes out. “What on earth is going on?” she asks, yawning and rubbing her eyes.
“Jess, tell him to put me down,” I beg.
“Lucca, please, just put her down. I don’t know what is going on, but you can talk about this tomorrow or come inside. It’s far too late for this out in the street.” Jessica tries to reason.
“Sorry, Jessica, I am taking her home. Where she belongs, with me. We need to talk and I cannot leave her. I … do not want to leave her.” He squeezes me tighter in his embrace and lowers his voice, aware we are causing a scene and places a kiss to the side of my head.
“No, you’re not. I’m staying here with Jess. I’m not going!” I shout, shaking my head side to side. Peter steps out of the car. “Please, Peter, tell Lucca to put me down. I need to stay here tonight. I’ll come back, but I need time on my own,” I sob, soaking Lucca’s sleeve with my tears.
“Lucca, do it now, son,” Peter demands.
Lucca reluctantly places me down on the slabs but grasps my hand. Breaking away, I stumble over to Jess. She puts her arm around me as I helplessly cry into her neck. “I don’t know what’s going on, but this is not okay,” she curses towards Lucca. I cry loudly, and I’m enraged with myself for crying in front of Peter.
Jess, being a great friend, comforts me. “Go inside. You can stay as long as you need, Lexi.” She strokes my hair and swings the door open fully.
“I’m so sorry, Jess,” I sob.
“Darlin’, don’t be. You have nothing to apologise for. Go inside, please. I want to speak with Lucca.” Jess sounds hard saying his name, repulsed by whatever he has done to inflict this pain on me.
Lucca is grey with anguish. He’s frantically pacing up and down, running his hands through his hair and kicking anything in his way. “Lexi, please do not do this. I need to explain. I have nothing to do with what went on back there, and you must know that. She knew the code to the gate and broke in through the window in the study. Peter and Rose were in bed so they missed her intruding and the alarm never went off because she was able to open the gate. Rose has called the police. You promised you would not leave. You said you would stay. Please, baby, I love you. I love you, Lexi. Do not leave me.” He falls on his knees in front of us. Breaking down.
Promise.
A promise is a promise
.
I said I wouldn’t leave him, and yet I’m about to turn my back on him, just as Fran had done. I do feel a slight twinge of guilt, but the hurt of being betrayed is not only twinging at my heart it’s stabbing it, leaving a big empty hole.
Lowering my shoulders in exhaustion, I sigh. I need my own space because I’m so livid right now, and I don’t feel like I’m breaking any promises. I’m not leaving him. I just need some time out, and I want him to realise that I’m not accepting this nonsense … I’ll go back when I’m ready but it won’t be tonight. I need alone time.
I glance at Lucca on his knees with his head hanging forward and the sight of him vulnerable like that makes my heart ache even more. I need to be assertive before I change my mind. Jess watches me hesitate and takes my hand.
“You’re not seriously thinking of going back in that state are you?” Jess quizzes me, completely baffled. “Lex, you are too upset. You should probably stay here tonight. Let me call Hazel and have her come over.”
I inhale deeply through my nostrils, wiping my eyes with the back of my hand and turn in to hug her tightly. She’s right. I do want Hazel right now. “I’m so sorry to cause a scene, and I’m sorry to bring you into this. I’m not going back. I want to stay here tonight if that’s okay?” I whisper so that Lucca and Peter don’t hear me.
“Yes, of course it is. I love you and I want to make sure you’re okay, Lexi.” She strokes my arm. I sniffle back some more sobs and hear Lucca catch his breath, as if he is trying to muffle a sob of his own. Peter looks at me with sympathetic eyes, the exact same sentiment I normally share with my grandpa. This only adds to my distress because Jess is being supportive and Peter is showing that he understands why I’m damn angry.
Jess’s kind words and sincerity just make me choke even more. “I know you do, I love you too. Thank you. Can you call Hazel to come over?” This time I don’t whisper. I want Lucca to know that I’m hurting that much that I want my friends around me. He will know if I’m calling in Hazel that I’m a mess, and it might even hurt him that I’m seeking comfort with my friends rather than with him.
My throat croaks as she wipes more tears from my cheek. I glance at Lucca again. He’s still kneeling on the concrete with his head bowed. Peter is standing next to the car patiently, shaking his head in that typical way a disapproving parent would.
Looking at Lucca like this reminds me of seeing him helpless like this in front of the altar in the cathedral in the Chianti Hills and the night at his parents’ villa when he admitted he loved me.
“Peter, can you please look after Doris for me tonight? I would really appreciate it. I’ll come back tomorrow at some point and get her but I’m going to stay here tonight.” I take a deep breath because I know Lucca is going to object.
Lucca lifts his head and stands on full alert. His eyes are wet, and he’s had a teary moment of his own while waiting on me. I knew it. He’s torn and I’m shredded. I just want to throw my arms around him, but I can’t right now.
“Absolutely, Lexi. Don’t you worry about her, she will be well looked after. Rose and I will take her out on a long walk in the morning. You come back when you’re ready. I’ll tell Rose not to expect you home tonight. Is there anything you would like me to bring for you?”
“No, I don’t need anything. Thank you, Peter,” I say loudly, making a point that I don’t need Lucca, but realistically that’s exactly what I need. I need him so badly it’s crushing me because I can’t give in and I know it would be wrong for me to forgive him and this mess tonight. Even with the neediness I feel to have Lucca in my arms, there is no way I can back down. Not now.
“No! No … No, Lexi, I cannot go home without you. I need to speak with you, and I do not want to leave you like this. I cannot leave you here. Please, honey, come home with me. You
promised
,” Lucca pleads. He steps forward and reaches for me because he can’t help himself. I begin to rock now with my uncontrollable crying and fist my stomach.
“I can’t,” I sob. He takes my hand, and I know he wants to rub my engagement ring to remind me I’m his. Well, he can forget that shit.
“Don’t,” I snap. “I promised I wouldn’t leave, but I can’t stay with you tonight. I need to think. I’m so fucking angry, but you promised you’d give me my space, and that’s what I need, so don’t touch me. Stay away. I will come back when I am good and ready.”
“Fuck!” he shouts as he kicks the step in front of him in a rage because he’s completely defeated.
He runs his hands through his hair, then rubs his temple and forehead with his thumbs and middle fingers. Trying to ignore his agitation, I ask Jess to go inside and that I’ll be in, in a minute, then I address Peter.
“Thank you, Peter. I’m so sorry for the inconvenience tonight and thank you in advance for tomorrow. Can you give us a minute please?” He nods and sits back in the car to wait for Lucca.
“For fuck’s sake, Lexi, talk to me. I am so sorry you had to see that, so goddamn sorry. I don’t want to leave without you. Please reconsider. We will talk all night until we sort this out. You cannot leave me, I love you.” I see a tear leave his eye and run down his cheek.
I hate to see him vulnerable, but my emotions are past that vulnerable stage. They are at stage destruct. I try to control my own tears by calming down and lower my voice because I notice some of the neighbours have switched their lights on from hearing the racket.
“I’m not leaving you, but I need to think. I need to think about what happened and how I can move on from this, if we can move on from this. I can’t be with you Lucca if I have your past thrown in my face all the time. Even with trust, because I do know you had nothing to do with that tonight. It was disrespectful and hard to stomach.
“Fuck, Lexi, no. Jesus. Please do not say that. We will move on from this. I will make sure of it. I told you I will never let you go. I am not having you doubt what we have, what we share, and our relationship over something that you should never have had to see tonight. I will make this right.” He sniffles and drops his head again because I think he’s trying to hide his tears, and even in his moment of weakness he still looks masculine.
“I’m more troubled by what I heard coming out of her mouth than what I saw.” I’m bitter and unforgiving.
“What the fuck did she say to you?” He snaps his head back up, alarm written all over his face and an intense flicker of panic now in his cloudy eyes and voice.
“Just so you know, I’m not into threesomes if that’s what you expect from your future wife, and I apologise for not being as sexy and promiscuous as all your other lady friends. I don’t appreciate some random slut getting off in my bed, or asking if I’m good at performing oral sex on a woman.” I spit the words at him, the whore’s voice still ringing in my ears. “I’m going to bed. Don’t follow me. I need space to get my head around this, and you promised …” With that, I leave him on the step outside desperately calling my name.
I trudge into Jessica’s house with weak legs, sore feet, and mental exhaustion. I’m tempted to slam the door behind me, but it’s her house so I don’t. I ask Jess to make sure he leaves. I hear him shouting for me and approaching the front door and Peter trying to reason with him. Without looking back, I walk straight upstairs and collapse on her futon in her spare room.
Curling into a ball, I pull my knees to my chest feeling small, fragile, and weak. I cry and I cry to myself until I hear a familiar voice. Sitting up with a sense of relief, I reach for Hazel as she kneels in front of me. I wrap my arms around her and cry so hard against her neck until I’m utterly exhausted. Jess strokes my back while Hazel hushes me, calmly rocking me in her arms while kissing my head.
They haven’t asked why I am upset, they just console me. “It’s okay, we have you. It’s okay, everything will be fine. Calm down now. It’s okay,” Hazel croons compassionately.
Once my tears finally dry up, I lifelessly lift my head, which now feels like a boulder on my shoulders, and thank them.
Hazel gives Jess a knowing look, and Jess leaves the room. “Okay. Come on, up you get. Let’s get you fixed up. Jesus, Roo, I wish you would quit running barefoot.” Hazel sighs studying my feet.
“I’m too tired, Skip. I’m so, so tired,” I whisper and slump my head back against her shoulder.
“Come on, Roo. Just ten minutes. Let me clean your feet and we’ll get you into bed.” She stands up and lifts my hand so I’m standing.
I notice Hazel has her own pyjamas on with a hoodie over the top. She must have gotten out of bed and driven straight over to Jess’s. She leads me into the bathroom where Jess has been filling the bath. “Skip, I’m too tired for a bath. I just want to sleep,” I protest.
“I don’t mean a long soak; I just want you to sit in it so we can clean you up. Lift your arms,” she instructs, taking care of me as a mother would a small child. “Let Mamma Skip look after her little cub.”
I form a semblance of a smile. “Joey, Skip, it’s a joey,” I correct her and stretch my arms above my head, allowing her to undress me while Jess sits fresh towels and bath products out.
Once I’m in the bath, I sit and draw my knees up to my chest and hug them while Jess turns the shower on overhead. Hazel removes her hoodie and rolls up her sleeves so she doesn’t get soaked sitting at the side of the tub. After removing the pins from my hair, she washes and rinses it clean, and then washes my back gently with some body wash. I haven’t moved. I’m still sitting in the same position with my eyes closed. Hazel and Jess chitchat trying to distract me, but I’ve zoned out and can’t even recall what they are speaking about.