“So you look as if you’re bonding well with Doris,” Hazel remarks, lifting an eyebrow. She is thinking the exact same thing as me; he has fallen for the dog despite what he says about her.
“I do not know if I would call it bonding as such. It’s more like she does not give me a fucking minute’s peace,” Lucca mumbles back, raising his own eyebrow and causing me to give him an almighty scowl. I expected him to say that. He’s in denial.
“Lucca, have you got time to show Hazel around? I need to call my mum before I go out,” I ask.
“Yes, of course. Hazel, are you and Dominic coming over later?”
“We wouldn’t miss it for the world. What should we bring?” She pulls her hair over one shoulder and runs her hand down the length then flicks it back over again. That’s the thing about Hazel; once she’s said her piece and got something off her chest, she moves on.
“Just your swim gear, and do not eat dinner. We will eat later. You are welcome to stay over,” Lucca replies. I’m thankful that he’s making an effort and not allowing our recent drama to create any added tension between them.
She rubs her hands with excitable anticipation and smiles at his gesture.
I warn Lucca that Hazel might throw the feathers out of the pillows and slide down the banister during the tour, taking my thoughts back to my first tour with Lucca.
Stair sex.
My new favourite.
He curls his lip at one side and flashes a smouldering glance. He’s having his own memory of that tour and our mind-blowing stair sex. I’m blushing when I leave them to go into the lounge and call my mum.
I take a deep breath, wondering what sort of mood she’ll be in. “Mum … It’s me.”
There is a long pause for a long time.
“Alexis, sweetheart, it’s so good to hear your voice.” Her voice is breaking, and I can hear the distant quiver behind it. “Your brother says you enjoyed your trip. I’m glad you had a good time. I’ve been desperate to hear all about it. I hope you were careful. Tell me … were you careful?”
And there it is—the paranoia.
“Yes, of course I was careful. I was very safe. Hazel and I had an amazing time, the weather was lovely, the food was to die for, and we met some amazing, wonderful people.”
“Oh, you met people?
Strangers
?” She’s raising her voice.
Ouch.
I pick up a loose wave from my hair and twiddle it around my finger as I slump into the sofa, feeling exhausted already.
“Um … Yes,” I say flatly.
“Alexis Evangeline Robertson, you’re hiding something from me, and I want to know what it is. I did not raise you to be dishonest with me. I love you, and I’m concerned about you. Please, baby girl, don’t keep me closed out all the time. I hate it. We should be able to share things. What happened to you?” Panic in my mum’s voice tells me she’s hysterical with worry and distraught because she’s imagining the worst.
“Before I’m honest with you, I want you to remain impartial and calm. Please, just trust me. I … I want you to be happy for me.” I’m reluctant to tell her, but I have to.
“Alexis, tell me now. You’re worrying me.”
Damn, I knew it. She’s going to freak out. Maybe I should have got Cameron to tell her after all. Here goes.
“Mum, I’ve fallen in love. I’ve met someone, someone very special whom I care a great deal for. I love him and he loves me.” My fingers tighten and my chest pounds as I wait on her reaction.
There is a silent pause—a long, silent pause.
“Mum, did you hear me?”
“Yes.”
“Well, are you going to ask me anything?” I sound like a young, naive girl seeking approval, but it’s because I love her and respect her.
“You’ve met a man? Let me just get my head around this,” she finally says.
“Yes, on holiday … well, actually, I met him here first, but then … well, never mind. But just so you know, he loves me unconditionally and takes wonderful care of me.” I plump up the cushions beside me, lift my legs, tuck my feet underneath me, and sit on them.
“You’re seeing someone? Like a boyfriend?” she deadpans.
I’m not sure if her meds are slowing her down, but she sure is taking a while to process this. She’s in bloody denial. It is a lot for her to process. I’ve never had a boyfriend.
“Yes, his name is Lucca. He’s very special to me, Mum, and I want you to meet him.” I twirl my hair around my fingers again and nibble my bottom lip.
“Alexis, how could you? How could you put your trust into a complete stranger? You know how I feel about that. Does Cameron know? Do your grandparents know?”
She’s furious but more than that, she sounds distraught at the concept I might not be safe. She will make herself sick being frantic and I worry that this will send her into an episode. Knowing she’s agitated upsets me because I fully understand why she is, and there’s not much I can do to change how she feels. Her fears will always be with her.
“Yes, they know, but I asked them not to bother you with this because I wanted to tell you first. Mum, please don’t be angry with me. I’ve never felt better. I have had a new lease on life. Lucca is caring, attentive, generous, kind, and loving, and he understands me. He’s helped me to feel alive and taught me things about myself and has been exceptionally patient.” I speak softly and carefully. I’m pleading for her understanding with a certain edge of cautiousness in my cadence. Often when she’s frantic, I sometimes need to mollycoddle her by tiptoeing around her. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t.
I bring the back of my fingers to my mouth and wiggle them around nervously. This is not going well. I’d rather she was frantic than impassive because at least I would know what she was thinking.
“Mum, say something,” I whimper as tears prick my eyes.
I’m hurt.
She’s hurt.
I’m hurt because she’s hurt.
“You always said you wanted the best for me, that you wanted me to be happy, and that you wanted my wings to spread. I finally have all these things, and you can’t be happy for me. I just want you to trust my judgement and know that I would never put myself in an unsafe environment or relationship. You know that I’m sensible and I want you to know that it wasn’t a rash decision; I went through more emotions than I care to tell you while I deliberated having this relationship.” The lump lodged in my throat isn’t moving. I struggle to breathe and swallow.
“If it makes you feel any better, Cameron and Hazel both adore Lucca, and Mr. Carlin has warmed to him,” I continue through sharp sobs.
“I don’t know what to make of all this. It’s very sudden. You have always been cautious and then you saunter off to Italy and return with a stranger in the blink of an eye? Am I the only person seeing sense here? You are vulnerable and have a horrendous burden to carry. You don’t just meet someone and have it all go away.” Her voice is high-pitched because she’s so alarmed, by the time she finishes, she is breaking and tears are going to follow. I know it.
I know that only too well.
“It will never go away, Mum, I know that. Lucca has helped me in ways other people couldn’t. We are very close, and I love him. He knows of my past and is understanding and protective. Why can’t you believe me? If it were Cameron, you wouldn’t question it.” I’m restless and agitated; I uncurl my legs from under me, stretch, then kick a cushion onto the floor.
“That’s different, and you know it. He’s not broken like you are.”
But he is, in other ways, she is just clouded because Cameron appears stronger. Why does she need to make me feel worse than I already do?
“Are you sleeping with him?” She sounds accusatory and I know she’s being exceptionally judgemental before I even answer.
Oh God, this is not a question I want to answer. “Yes, I’m twenty-six years old, and we love each other.” I blush because as I’ve never had a relationship. I’ve never had to have this chat with her before.
“Oh for goodness sake, you know how I feel about that. I’m absolutely shocked. Next, you’ll be telling me you are running off to get married. I’m praying that you’re having sex through choice and that you’re not being forced. God, this is hard to understand. You’re not making this easy for me. I’m concerned and I don’t want you to get used or hurt.” I hear her breath falter. She sounds scared, as if she’s terrified for me. The possibilities she has already made up in her mind will be causing her much distress.
My stomach catapults and drops with a sudden jerk to the cave of tormented demons. I have always thought I’ve put her feelings first, knowing what sort of dark place she fights so hard to surface from. And it’s apparently all right for Cameron to fuck every woman in the universe.
She’s irrational.
I don’t know what to say, so I am silent.
“Alexis, you’re not telling me everything …. Oh God, please don’t tell me what I think you’re about to say.” I can hear her voice break.
She has started crying.
Some of her crying fits last for hours, and in cases in the past, she’s been sedated. I hope I’ve not brought that on for her sake. I hate that I’m hurting her. She has had so much hurt in her life, and she doesn’t need more, but I owe her honesty.
“Mum, Lucca proposed to me. He has asked me to be his wife, and I said yes. I want to be his wife, not right away, but sometime in the future. He is the one for me. I think fate brought us together, and I need you to trust me and respect my wishes. I want this more than anything else. Grandpa is happy for me. Please, can you give me your blessing?” I plead as unruly tears cascade down my cheeks.
“I’m annoyed your grandpa is keeping secrets from me.” She sobs.
“I asked him not to tell you.”
“Have you completely thought this through? Do you know what you are doing? I don’t know what to say.” Her tone is cold and sharp through her snivelling.
“Yes, of course I do. Mum, you will love him, I promise.”
I hear her grunt and scoff. “So you’re actually considering this?” My stomach tweaks, because the more she asks with this doubtful tone, the more I feel.
“Where does he live and what age is he?” She croaks this time, lowering her voice with a disconcerting pity in it. Whether she likes it or not, it’s happening and the more she knows the better.
“Bothwell. He has various businesses in Scotland and throughout Europe. He’s very successful and has a wonderful family in Scotland and Tuscany. I’ve met some of his family. They’re warm, kind, loving … very hospitable and caring. He’s thirty-two years old. He has two brothers and a sister.” Instantly, I regret talking about his assets and his age.
“You have already met his family? It all seems a little fast, and I know how you can be in the company of strangers. I can’t imagine how you can be comfortable around a new family you barely know. And I never thought you would be one to fall for someone with money. That’s not you, and you know it. I taught you to appreciate life and the smaller things we all take for granted. If you’re struggling financially, your grandparents and I will help you. How could you give up your principles and respect and let yourself be used, especially after our history?”
Fucking history!
Does she honestly think that I’ve lost respect for myself, where I came from, and my goddamn past? Does she think I have entered into this relationship lightly? Yes, she knows me, and she’s right about how I would normally act in the company of strangers, but she wasn’t there in Tuscany, she hasn’t experienced what I have. How can I explain that it doesn’t matter if it were five minutes, weeks, months, or years? It felt right. It feels right.
Lucca and his family gave me something I’ve never had before, the ability to trust and feel loved by people who are outside of my immediate family and small group of friends. They have given me new love and new hope. The thought of my mum never understanding or accepting that Lucca and his family will be part of my life now crushes me.
A knife has gone through my heart.
Twisted.
Severed.
Hacked.
“I’m overwhelmed that after years of avoiding contact with men, you have put your trust in the first man to woo you … one man, and you seem to think you have it all figured out—life and love. All it takes is for one little thing to trigger your fears and you may become weak, making you even more vulnerable than you already are, therefore opening yourself to even more pain and heartache.” Mum’s sobbing isn’t helping. I’ve already felt pain, lots of it, but the love I feel is a million times stronger and it’s worth it, to
feel
with Lucca.
My hot, wet tears running down my cheeks feel like blood. I am sure if I looked in the mirror I would see stained red cheeks, they’re so raw.
“Is that what you think? That I’m so shallow and desperate that I’m crying out for money because money will take my fears, history, and demons away? Do you not think someone might be interested in me? Do you not think someone is capable of loving me for who I am?
And
I know I have a lot to learn and this is all new. It will take time. I never professed to be an expert. I just said that I love Lucca and he loves me.” Taking umbrage, I raise my voice while crying. Jumping up from the sofa, I begin pacing around the room.
Angry.
Insulted.
Sickened.
“You’re very beautiful, Alexis. I just don’t want you to be taken advantage of. I know you’re an adult and can make decisions, but I imagine a serious relationship would take a lot of work and commitment gradually over time. I just feel that it’s too soon for you to be agreeing to marry a man who doesn’t have the full insight into your past. It had taken Casey years before she truly understood you. Men are not as intuitive as women, and it could take even longer for Lucca to accept you. ”
She deepens the wound.
HE HAS ACCEPTED ME!
“Lucca is intuitive. He listens. He’s honest, compassionate, and encouraging. He might never
get me,
but he knows enough. I have shared more with him in such a small amount of time than I have with anyone else, and he keeps me focused. It’s not been all rosy in the garden either. We’ve had differences of opinions and grievances, but we love each other that much that we are patient and forgiving, and more importantly, Lucca loves me through my insecurities and anxiousness. I … can’t explain it.” I sigh and walk towards the window and watch Doris galloping around on the front lawn then turn around and lean against the windowsill.