Land of My Heart (52 page)

“Dianne said I had to make my peace with God and my father—that I had to learn to forgive before I could love her.”

“I think she’s right,” Bram replied. “I think that when a man’s heart is hardened toward God, he can’t give anything of value to anyone else. He must first deal with his hard heart—let God make it supple again.”

“Maybe God doesn’t want to make it supple again. Maybe I’m beyond help.”

“I’ve felt that way too. I’ve never told Dianne why I came west. My own sister never knew. The fact of the matter was my father and I had a horrible argument. He wanted me to take over his business of making and repairing clocks. I wanted no part of it. He had presumed for all those years I helped him that I would naturally stay and be a part of the business. I told him, however, that I wanted only to go west and explore the country, live my own life and make my own way.

“He was enraged. He’d planned for years how it would be. He’d drawn up the paper work and was ready to add my name to the business. And there I stood, shoving this gift back in his face. Now I can see that by rejecting the business, he felt I was rejecting him. But it was never that way.” Bram grew very thoughtful. “He told me if I left—if I walked away from this opportunity—that he’d never speak to me again. He told me he’d disown me and settle everything on Susannah. I told him to go right ahead and walked out. I didn’t even tell him good-bye. I simply went to my room, packed my bags, and left. The only note I offered was to Susannah and my mother, explaining that I had chosen a different life for myself but that I loved them both. I said nothing about my father.”

The silence hung between them for several minutes after Bram concluded. Cole didn’t know what to say, but a part of him desperately wanted to know if Bram had ever sought his father’s forgiveness.

Bram cleared his throat. “For years, I was angry at God.”

“At God?” Cole questioned without thinking. “Why?”

Bram smiled. “I figured God could have let my father see reason. I figured God could have interceded and stopped the whole thing from becoming such an ugly affair. I convinced myself that God was surely against me because nothing went right for years after that. So I became hard and angry toward God. I remember even telling Him, ‘Fine. If you don’t care about me, I won’t care about you.’ I somehow felt vindicated by that outburst.”

“So what happened?” Cole asked.

“A lot of things. No matter how far I tried to run, God wouldn’t leave me alone. I’d find myself in the company of missionaries or traveling preachers. I’d wander across the countryside for days and when I was down to my last ounce of strength, happen upon some isolated house where they’d take me in. Only to find out,” he said with a grin, “that the family was completely devoted to God. Not just religious, mind you, but rather filled with all kinds of loving joy about being a part of God’s earthly family. It just about drove me insane.”

Cole couldn’t help but smile. “I think I understand how that is.”

“I finally met a man who talked to me without milking it down for me. He wasn’t in the least bit concerned about sparing my feelings. He told me I was acting like a selfish sinner. Of course at first I was offended and decided I wouldn’t hear the man out. Then he said something to me that drove a knife right into my heart.”

“What?” Cole couldn’t imagine anything being that powerful.

“He told me I could go on being a lost sinner, living my life as I chose, ignoring the offer of eternal life and the peace that only God could give me. But, he told me, ‘You will literally have to step over the broken, bleeding, nail-pierced body of Jesus in order to enter the gates of hell.’ ”

Cole shifted uncomfortably at this. The image in his mind was vivid. “I don’t understand,” he murmured, afraid that he really did understand more than he wanted to.

“Cole, you can go on with your anger at God and your father. You can go straight to hell when you die and never look back. But to do so, you’ll have to make a decided choice to reject Jesus and what He did for you.”

They were quiet for several minutes while Cole tried desperately to collect himself. He wanted to do the right thing, to have peace in his heart and soul. God knew—He completely and totally knew the misery that Cole had carried around these last few years.

Bram turned once again to Cole. “I never had the chance to make things right with my father. He died before I could send a letter back to him seeking his forgiveness. I’ve always carried that heartache with me. I’d give anything if I could see him just one more time and ask him to forgive me.”

Tears blurred Cole’s vision. “But my father killed the woman I loved. God let her die in my arms. Let her die.”

“He let His Son die too,” Bram said softly. He reached out and put his hand on Cole’s shoulder. “He let Him die so that you might live.”

Cole felt a dam release somewhere deep inside. It was as though years of pent-up emotion and rage came pouring out in the form of painwracked sobs. “I’m so worthless. He can’t possibly want me. He can’t possibly forgive me.”

Bram hugged Cole close. “Son, He’s always wanted you—and He stands ready to forgive you. But you have to ask.”

“Do you really believe that?”

Bram nodded. “With all my heart.”

Cole fought back his tears. He wanted the peace that Bram talked about—he wanted things to be right again. “Please,” he whispered, gazing heavenward, “oh, God, please.”

Dianne saw Cole ride into the yard and wondered if he’d ignore her as he had the previous days since their fight. She continued combing Dolly, hoping and praying that somehow Cole might find peace.

In the corral beyond where Dianne worked, Dolly’s colt, Petra, kicked up his heels and sprinted in youthful exuberance. Dianne watched him for several minutes, laughing at his antics. He bore markings that suggested he’d be a buckskin like his mother, but Dianne knew that could change as he grew older. She’d seen it happen before.

“Can we talk?”

She startled at Cole’s low voice.

“Of course,” she replied, continuing to comb the horse.

Cole climbed atop the fence and settled himself on the rail. “I want first to apologize for the way I’ve behaved. I was angry, but more than that, I was afraid.”

Dianne stopped at this. “Afraid? What in the world were you afraid of?” She hoped her question didn’t sound too harsh.

He smiled. “I guess I was afraid of you being right.”

Dianne moved away from Dolly and put the curry comb away. “Right about what?”

“That I needed to forgive my father—that I needed to make things right with God. See, I knew that if I faced up to that and did nothing about it, I would be making a choice to turn my back on all I believed and had been raised to know as truth. I wanted to put a veil over the truth so that I could make it what I wanted it to be. So that it wouldn’t hurt so much. But instead of finding peace and easing the pain, it just hurt all the more.”

Dianne swallowed hard. “And now?” The words were barely audible.

Cole jumped down and came to where Dianne stood. “I had a long talk with your uncle and he helped me to see the truth again. Without the veil.”

Dianne felt her throat tighten and tears came to her eyes. She didn’t want to make a big scene, but this moment was so important to her—to them and to their future.

Cole took hold of her hands. “I’ve made my peace with God. I’ve asked Him to forgive me for my arrogance and foolish pride. And I’ve asked Jesus to direct my steps for the rest of my life.”

Dianne broke down and fell into his arms. “Oh, Cole, I’m so glad.”

Cole held her close, saying nothing for several moments. Dianne thrilled to his touch and to the safety she felt in his arms. The walls had come crumbling down. Nothing would ever come between them now.

“I don’t know what I did to deserve a good woman like you,” Cole whispered against her ear. “I feel like your perseverance, your willingness to stand your ground and trust God for the outcome, saved me in a way.”

“I think God knew we’d need each other,” Dianne said, pulling away. She grinned. “You’ve saved me on so many occasions. You kept me from catching fire, being bit by a snake, and accosted by ruffians on the streets of Virginia City.”

“Yes, but you kept me from losing my soul.”

“No, only God can do that,” Dianne countered.

“But not unless someone is willing to show a fella the error of his ways—set his feet in the right direction. A direction of truth. You were willing to stand your ground with me—to help me understand what was wrong and how to go about fixing it. I think that proves we’ll make a good team.”

Dianne gazed into his eyes and felt her heart beat faster as Cole put his hand to her cheek. “Don’t ever change, Dianne. Don’t ever be afraid to maintain your stand for what’s right.” He stroked her cheek, then gently touched his fingers to her lips. “I love you with all of my heart.”

“I love you, Cole. More than I thought possible.”

“Will you wait for me?” he asked. “Will you wait for me while I go back to Kansas and make things right with my father?”

She nodded slowly. It was the right and perfect thing to do. “If it takes forever, I will wait for you.”

Cole drew her into his arms once again. “It won’t take that long. I’ll leave tomorrow and be back by the spring. And when I come back, I’ll be a better man—a man more worthy of a wife like you.”

Dianne knew the days would seem an eternity, even if Cole said it wouldn’t be forever. He had awakened her heart to the promise of love, just as Montana had awakened her to a promise of home. It was this promise to come that would keep her hoping, believing, trusting for all the days ahead. For all the days that would pass until Cole came back safely to her arms.