Read Larry and the Meaning of Life Online
Authors: Janet Tashjian
Larry and the Meaning of Life (12 page)
I spent the next several days digging and avoiding park rangers, but the most hazardous thing I found was a rusty trial-size can of hairspray. I used my mother's old gardening tools for good luck. The meticulously detailed instructions I'd downloaded from the Internet reminded people to use the utmost care even after numerous failed attempts. I went so far as to borrow a metal detector from Mr. Cullen down the street.
102
But instead of making my job easier, the metal detector added hours to each hole, forcing me to dig for things like bottlecaps and penknives. I was beginning to think the entire plan was a hallucination. Maybe I'd never seen those canisters at all.
102
But instead of making my job easier, the metal detector added hours to each hole, forcing me to dig for things like bottlecaps and penknives. I was beginning to think the entire plan was a hallucination. Maybe I'd never seen those canisters at all.
Betagold knew I was up to something; she happened to hike by the area several times a day. Mike and the others seemed too busy with Gus's regimen to pay me any notice. As I slowly brushed away the dirt from a small hole on the western shore of the pond, betagold pulled up a log.
“I hope you're not holding any grudges about last week.”
I told her to get lost.
“I felt remorse afterward, I really did,” betagold said. “Part of you is inside me, after all.”
“Don't remind me. Stupidest thing I ever did was save your life.” I suddenly realized that betagold hadn't watched where she was walking when she'd approached me. Since the transplant, she'd been on Gus's A-list. If there were land mines buried here, she wouldn't be walking around so casually.
I threw down the trowel and sat cross-legged beside her. “So if the mines aren't here, where are they?”
She played dumb
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and told me she didn't know what I was talking about.
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and told me she didn't know what I was talking about.
“Gus told Janine all about them,” I lied. “About the dignitaries on Thursday. About making a statement to the Pentagon.”
I watched her expression as she tried to decide if I really had any information.
“The bigwigs,” I continued. “The survey maps, the minesâJanine's been in on the plan since the get-go.”
“I thought we weren't supposed to tell you anything, in case you tried to get all heroic again.”
“Me?” I motioned to her back. “I've already done my one good deed for this year, thank you very much.”
Betagold still eyed me cautiously. “If Gus told Janine everything, then she knows where they are and I don't have to tell you.
104
Besides, if they're using antihandling devices along with the mines, you won't be able to just dig them up anyway.”
104
Besides, if they're using antihandling devices along with the mines, you won't be able to just dig them up anyway.”
Betagold had obviously been paying attention to Gus's work. But now she seemed a bit worried as she pointed toward his tent. “I'd follow Gus to the ends of the earth since he found me a donor,
105
but these past few days he's acting like it's a full moon day and night.”
105
but these past few days he's acting like it's a full moon day and night.”
I made another attempt at obtaining privileged information. “He's probably got a lot on his mind, making sure everything goes off as planned on Thursday.”
“He's the opposite of worriedâthat's what has me scared.”
I gathered up the gardening tools and hiked toward Gus's tent to see for myself.
Several disciples stood like zombies guarding the hillside. Were they on something? I wondered if my theory was wrong and they were victims, not accomplices, in Gus's plan. Like a modern-day Jim Jones,
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maybe he was planning something dangerous for his followers. I ran up the hill at a faster clip.
106
maybe he was planning something dangerous for his followers. I ran up the hill at a faster clip.
Inside the tent, the scene was just as disturbing. Even with the end-of-December weather, Gus wore his patched denim cutoffs with no shirt. His belly was painted in vibrant colors in a psychedelic pattern with words like
Kablam!
and
Pow!
scrawled above each nipple.
107
His face was painted gold with thick black outlines around his eyes, nose, and mouth. A white towel was wrapped around his head. The makeshift turban and long gray beard added to the unsettling image. Fronds of
rhododendron and holly were stacked around his chair as if it were a throne. He carried a six-pack of beer.
Kablam!
and
Pow!
scrawled above each nipple.
107
His face was painted gold with thick black outlines around his eyes, nose, and mouth. A white towel was wrapped around his head. The makeshift turban and long gray beard added to the unsettling image. Fronds of
rhododendron and holly were stacked around his chair as if it were a throne. He carried a six-pack of beer.
“What the hell is going on?” I asked.
“âIn Wildness is the preservation of the World.'”
“I doubt Thoreau was talking about getting trashed and planning terrorism.”
Gus punched a hole in the bottom of a beer can, popped the top, then tipped his head back and shot the beer in one gulp.
“The new year is upon us.” He wiped his mouth with the back of his hand. “Not just literally but figuratively. A time to be reborn, a time to start anew.”
“Enough already. I just want you to be honest with me.”
“Like you were honest with Peter about looking for your biological father?”
How does this man know everything?
I decided Gus might be bluffing and tried to stay focused, difficult as that might be.
As Gus observed the tranced-out disciples, I knew where I'd seen this place beforeâin my imagination back in high school when we read Joseph Conrad's
Heart of Darkness.
The book had given me the creeps for weeks, and the thought that I might be re-enacting it now sent a round of goose bumps up both arms. The only things missing from the scene were decapitated heads stuck on poles.
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Heart of Darkness.
The book had given me the creeps for weeks, and the thought that I might be re-enacting it now sent a round of goose bumps up both arms. The only things missing from the scene were decapitated heads stuck on poles.
108
I tried to access my brain's hard drive to remember the book. Was I supposed to be Marlow to Gus's Kurtz? Was I
meant to capture or kill him? The only thing possibly worse than a national historic site with land mines was a frightening fictional character coming to life in some pseudo-Congo setting whispering “The horror! The horror!” I had to get out quick.
meant to capture or kill him? The only thing possibly worse than a national historic site with land mines was a frightening fictional character coming to life in some pseudo-Congo setting whispering “The horror! The horror!” I had to get out quick.
“Oh, come on,” Gus said. “It's the end of the world, anywayâdon't take yourself so seriously.”
“Me?” I pointed to the interior design of his fort. “Don't you think you're being too realistic with this idolatry thing?”
“Real? What is real?” he asked. “Have you figured that one out yet? Make sure you get back to me when you do.”
As I hurried back down the hill, I realized the teacher I'd invested so much time and effort in was as clueless about reality as I was.
Janine jumped on my bed while I was still asleep.
“Peter let me in. You have to get up.” She took my jeans and sweatshirt from the floor and threw them at me. “It's all a game. Gus is screwing with us.”
I sat up, leaning on my elbows. A girl was in my room.
109
109
“
Wake up,
” Janine said. “You were right.”
Wake up,
” Janine said. “You were right.”
“About what?”
She sat on the edge of the bed, as far away from me as she could get.
110
“Because I was in on it.”
110
“Because I was in on it.”
“What?”
“Pretending to have an affair with him, planting those fake land mines in his truckâ”
Although I'd had only a few hours of sleep, Janine now had my full attention. “Gus was messing around with my mind, and you were
helping
him? Is that what you're saying?”
helping
him? Is that what you're saying?”
“Don't be mad. Gus was trying to teach you about the nature of reality. He told me if I cared about you, I should help
him. That you had a great sense of humor and would totally appreciate the cosmic joke.”
him. That you had a great sense of humor and would totally appreciate the cosmic joke.”
Even though I was wearing the lame candy-cane boxers Peter had given me last week, I jumped out of bed and paced around the room. “Let me get this straight. I've spent hundreds of hours doing research on land mines, I contacted the FBI, I dug thirty holes around Walden Pond,
I GAVE UP MY KIDNEY TO GET YOU OUT OF GUS'S CLUTCHES
, and now you tell me you were in cahoots with him all along? Is this your idea of a joke?”
I GAVE UP MY KIDNEY TO GET YOU OUT OF GUS'S CLUTCHES
, and now you tell me you were in cahoots with him all along? Is this your idea of a joke?”
She stood up and faced me head-on. “So I guess we're even for Brady.”
“Is that what this is about?”
She headed toward the door without a trace of remorse. “Brady, plus thinking I betrayed you on the campaign. I'm sure that played into it too.” She waved goodbye without looking at me. “Nice shorts, by the way.”
I dialed Beth ten times until she finally picked up. I told her everything Janine had just told me.
“I hate it when people play devil's advocate,” she finally said, “but what if Gus is screwing with you
now
? What if he's using Janine to tell you there are no land mines when there really are?”
now
? What if he's using Janine to tell you there are no land mines when there really are?”
“Don't you think my Rube Goldberg mind hasn't thought of that? Suppose she's really innocentâ”
“Let's not go that far.”
“Suppose she's really innocent,” I repeated, “and he's talked her into thinking she's doing me a favor by saying there are no land mines.”
“Or she's still pissed about her dog and was happy to send you off on a wild-goose chase. What does Peter say?”
I couldn't admit that Peter and I had barely spoken. I knew Beth would go ballistic with the next question, but I asked it anyway. “Suppose he
is
my biological father. Why is he torturing me? Is this some kind of test?”
is
my biological father. Why is he torturing me? Is this some kind of test?”
“For the last time, he's not your father! What are the chances?” She interrupted her rant to ask if I was near a TV. “There's a crawl on CNN saying the Secretary of Defense and the other Pentagon guys had to cancel their appearances in Boston for some emergency meeting back in D.C.”
I raced to the living room to verify Beth's story. “So, that's it. We're done. If there are land minesâand who even knows what to believe anymore?âtheir targets are no longer in town. So we're free.”
“Take the train to Providence,” Beth said. “We're on break, but there's a huge party tonight. Let's celebrate.”
I asked her what she was talking about.
“Hel-lo! It's New Year's Eve, did you forget?”
I'd been so busy trying to stay one step ahead of Gus that I'd totally forgotten what day it was. Beth invited me to come down again and was disappointed when I told her no.
“Just tell me why,” she said. “As if I don't know what you're going to say.”
I tried to explain that even though the land mines might've been fakes and even though the Pentagon guys weren't coming, there was still a slight chance that Janine was lying and Gus
had
planted the ammunition.
had
planted the ammunition.
“But the big photo op got canceled! There's no one to blow up.”
“Except for tourists, and hikers, and Thoreau freaks like me. I can't go to a party when there's even a chance Gus might've been serious.”
“What does Superman do now that everyone uses cell phones and there aren't any more phone booths?” Beth asked. “Where do you change into your leotard and cape?”
I told her I'd talk to her next year
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and grabbed Peter's keys from the counter. I threw my sleeping bag into the car and headed to Walden.
111
and grabbed Peter's keys from the counter. I threw my sleeping bag into the car and headed to Walden.
If I hadn't been worried about the apocalypse, the moment might've been perfect. The full moon looked as if it had been run through Photoshop; it was five times its normal size. The night was not too cold, with barely any wind. I stood at the top of my favorite ridge and took a mental picture of the reflection of the moon and trees on the pond, an image to call up when I needed something tranquil and right just the way it was.
I spent the next hour walking through the woods searching for trip wires or freshly dug holes. After a while, I realized Janine had probably been telling me the truth when she said the whole land-mine thing had been a setup. Until I saw a flyer taped to one of the trees advertising a midnight peace vigil on the south end of the pond, I'd totally forgotten
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we were on the cusp of a new year.
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we were on the cusp of a new year.
I unzipped my sleeping bag and wrapped it around me. These past few months, I'd walked in the footsteps of Thoreau and performed craftwork in the spirit of Gandhi. Had emulating these icons of nonviolence and simplicity rubbed off on me at all? Maybe it was a waste of time for each generation to reinvent
the wheel. Maybe there were people who lived dozens or hundreds of years earlier who had the game of life figured out. Maybe all we had to do was follow their lead with a few tweaks of our own. I played a game of What Would Thoreau Do and realized that, although his life was simple, it was full and varied. I doubted he'd waste time trying to figure out Gus. He had beans to harvest, wood to chop. I had to get on with my life.
the wheel. Maybe there were people who lived dozens or hundreds of years earlier who had the game of life figured out. Maybe all we had to do was follow their lead with a few tweaks of our own. I played a game of What Would Thoreau Do and realized that, although his life was simple, it was full and varied. I doubted he'd waste time trying to figure out Gus. He had beans to harvest, wood to chop. I had to get on with my life.
I fell asleep tucked between the earth and the stars.
Quote from
Walden
at the cabin site
Walden
at the cabin site
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