Last Chance Rebel (27 page)

The conviction in his voice, the vehemence, surprised her. She didn't know why it should. Jonathan had always been there for her. And she had kept him at a distance. Sure, he wasn't the most demonstrative person alive, but she had never made a move toward having it be any different.

“I... I thought...” Her throat started to close. “I just thought that... Jonathan, I have spent a long time being afraid that everyone in my life would leave me eventually because I was so much trouble. Because I needed too much.”

Her words were cut off as Jonathan pulled her into a hard, strong hug. She knew it came from somewhere deep inside of him. Knew that it cost him, because he never did things like that. Ever.

She pressed her face against his shirt, and she let the tears that had gone unshed in her sleep fall.

“If you are afraid of that, then I didn't do a very good job with you,” he said.

She shook her head, sniffing as she did. Then she pulled away from him. “No,” she said, “it wasn't you. You never gave me a reason to feel that way. You were there, day in and day out. It hurt me the way that she left. But I know that what she left you with... As unfair as it was for her to leave me, leaving you with all of that responsibility was even worse. She's just lucky that you're you. That in spite of the way she was, the way that your father was, you were willing to stay and take care of me.”

“It wasn't even a hardship, Rebecca. I'd give up my life for you without even hesitating. It's one reason it killed me to see you with West. I don't understand how you could do that. I don't understand how you can want to do anything but kill him slowly and painfully for what he put you through.”

“I don't know if I can explain it,” she said, knowing even now that it wasn't that easy. That it would take hours and recounting all of the things Gage had done since he'd come into her life, large and small, in order to make Jonathan even begin to understand. “I definitely wasn't looking for it. But he's the reason... He's the reason that I realized that I'd been hiding. Afraid that people would leave me. Holding on to the past so I didn't have to deal with the future. So I didn't have to let people close. But he...he made me want someone close. He made me think maybe I could have that.”

“So it took that bastard coming back into your life to make you realize that? I've been here the whole time, and you didn't pick that up from me?”

His words gouged at her soul, guilt pouring through her. “My only excuse is that it took someone coming in from outside. To show me, to shake me. You were like a foundation I didn't know I was standing on, Jonathan. But trust me, I'm realizing it now, and I'm grateful for it. We... Gage and I broke up.”

Broke up
seemed an insipid term for what had happened last night. For actively having your chest ripped open and your heart torn out. But then,
boyfriend
had always seemed an inadequate name for him too, so it stood to reason that this didn't really fit either.

“Do you want me to go kill him? Because my offer still stands.”

She laughed, watery and shaky. “I don't doubt that, not for a moment. But, I don't actually want him to die. I love him.”

“Damn,” Jonathan breathed. “I really don't understand that.”

“Hating him never helped me, Jonathan. Not one bit. But loving him...” A tear slid down her cheek. “It healed me. It changed me in ways that I didn't know needed changing. And right now, even though part of me—a different part of me than before—feels a little bit broken, I feel fixed too. That makes about as much sense as any of it, I guess. But it's true.”

She looked around the house, her house, the one that she was so proud of, and yet had never brought a single bit of those seasonal decorations into, those things that she felt so strongly made a home. She had kept them from herself. Because, somehow she had felt she hadn't deserved them. Because she had felt like her mother's abandonment was her fault, because she had forced her brother to live a life he shouldn't have had to live.

But things had changed now. Gage West had changed her.

“I think I'm going to redecorate,” she said.

“That's...random, but if you need help... You know I'll help you. Whatever you need. Hell, having a brother who works in construction has to be useful somehow, doesn't it?”

“It's not really that random,” she said, taking a deep breath. “It's actually been a long time coming.”

CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE

W
HEN
G
AGE
ARRIVED
at the rehabilitation facility the next morning he felt...nervous. He couldn't remember the last time he had felt anything that he would characterize as nerves. But he had been putting off seeing his father for a long time. For so many reasons. Reasons tangled up in other reasons that were difficult to find the end of.

A nurse ushered him into his father's room, and when he got there, he saw his mother, holding vigil by the side of the bed, his father sitting up with the aid of the hospital bed.

He suddenly felt too large for the space, too large for the town. Standing there, encroaching on this moment. His mother looked so brittle it caused an answering crack to run through his own heart. There she was, still sitting by this man's bed. This man who had never given her a damn thing in return.

Her hand was resting over his, and he wondered if his father had any idea just how fortunate he was to have that hand there.

“I can come back at another time,” he said.

Both of his parents turned and looked at him, his mother quickly, his father slowly, age and ill health altering his movements.

“Gage,” his mother said, sounding shocked.

Nathan West said nothing. His expression was immobile, and Gage wasn't certain if that was just the old man or if it had something to do with his stroke. Either way, it made his chest twist.

“I'm so sorry that I didn't come sooner,” he said, and he was surprised to discover that he meant it.

“I know you've been handling all of the financial things,” his mother said, her voice thready.

“I'm sure that Colton talked to you about it.”

“Madison,” his mother said. “Madison told me that you were back and that you are taking care of everything.”

Of course Madison had. His unlikely little ally. His younger sister he hadn't seen nearly enough of. He was overwhelmed with a sense of need then. A need to change.

“Would it be all right if I talked to Dad alone?” He posed the question to his mother.

“Of course,” she said, standing quickly and moving out of the way.

He had a feeling that someone else, in this very same situation, would be slightly offended at being asked to leave. But not his mother. Because of course, she would accommodate whatever was necessary for those in her life. Of course, she would bend and stretch, break even to make things better for a husband who had never done half of that for her.

She moved past him and he reached out, taking hold of her hand and squeezing it. She looked up at him, confusion and fragility and a need that mirrored his own visible there.

“I should've been there for you,” he said, the words coming from deep inside of him, regret tugging at his soul.

They could have been there for each other.

“Don't be silly,” she said, “I had your father.”

He released his hold on her, letting her walk out of the room, aware that she wasn't going to be able to come to the same place he was. In her mind, it was too late to fix the relationship she had with her children, with him. Too late to change her marriage to Nathan.

Gage wasn't going to let it be too late.

He walked across the room, sitting heavily next to his father's bed. “It's been a while,” he said.

Nathan West treated him to a baleful look. “You could say that.”

“I'm sorry,” he responded.

“For what?”

“For leaving. I... I imagine that it hurt you and I... I'm sorry.”

“It didn't hurt me. It forced me to prepare your brother for the position that you refused to take on, but Colton is a good man. It hasn't been difficult.”

“Well,” he said, an unsettled feeling in the pit of his stomach. “I'm glad to hear that.”

“And you came back now. When we needed you. That's what matters. I knew that if I kept your name on all the legal paperwork you would be the one to come through.”

His father's quiet confidence was void of any warmth. So close to his old man being proud. So close to him caring. But not quite.

Mostly, it came across as the arrogance of a man who no one had ever dared oppose. It had never occurred to him that Gage wouldn't come through, because everyone came through for Nathan West. And he took it as his due, he didn't understand. Didn't understand that he was married to a woman who had given him everything, her trust when he didn't deserve it, her fidelity when he had not given his own.

Didn't understand that his sons had come into the world worshipping the ground he walked on. That no manipulation had ever been required.

There had been an endless supply of people desperate to give his father their love, and he seemed unmoved by it, untouched. He continually manipulated, continually used his money, his power and his influence when all he'd ever needed to do was give a soft word. Give assurance.

All he'd ever had to do was show his family that he cared for them even a little bit, and he could have earned loyalty that way.

The thought hit Gage in an uncomfortable way. Because in that, he had to wonder if he was any different. He had come determined to fix things, not for himself the way that his father did, but it was still all manipulation.

And it allowed him to give nothing of himself.

It was so clear to him on the other side of it that his father had only ever had to give that and never had. He didn't think his father did it out of fear, but maybe Gage was wrong.

After all, the old man was hardly the formidable figure that had lived in his mind's eye for the past seventeen years. He was just a man.

He and Rebecca had talked a lot about monsters. So far, the only monsters they'd found were inside of them.

It was a funny thing, that because Gage was so much like his mother he had begun to treat the world the way his father did. But, he supposed in a really dumbass way it made sense.

His mother had always seemed easily broken to him. Brittle. While his father had been a rock. Of course he had wanted to fashion himself into the image of the rock.

But now, all that was left was that hardness, leached of all color, left gray and crumbling. And Gage could see it for what it was.

All of that, that self-protection, was born out of fear. It was. He had no doubt of it then. And whatever his mother did, that was the same.

But love wasn't the same as being afraid. It didn't hide.

Love didn't run.

It was more than time for him to stop. That much was clear as he looked down at his father, hoping yet again for something that he knew he would never get. Someone had to break the cycle.

He supposed it might as well be him.

“I didn't come back because of the West name,” Gage said. “I didn't come back because of duty. I came back because I love you.”

His father looked at him, his blue eyes filled with a sharp, shocked light. Blue eyes that were so like his own. Like Jack Monaghan's. Telltale signs of his sins and shortcomings. But that wasn't the point. He wasn't going to hold on to the bitterness. He wasn't going to use it.

Love was a lot like forgiveness. It wasn't about what you deserved. Wasn't about what you got in return. Sometimes you just had to give it, because it was good for you.

And yeah, it meant there was a risk. That you couldn't protect yourself.

But protecting himself hadn't done anyone a damn lot of good. So maybe, just maybe, this would.

“What is it you want?” his father asked.

“Nothing.”

“You don't come out with something like that expecting nothing in return,” Nathan said, sounding hard, indignant.

“Usually, Dad, what you're looking for is for someone to say they love you back.” Finally, he had given voice to it. Finally, he was facing down the one thing he'd always been afraid of. And he found it wasn't all that scary.

“You're my son,” he said.

“That's supposed to mean something to me? Because I don't think it meant much of anything to Jack Monaghan.”

“That was different,” Nathan said.

“Is it?” He looked at his father, searching the lines on his weathered face. Whatever the truth was, he knew that his father had to believe this was the truth.

“I'm
frail
,” Nathan said, not sounding anything near frail. “I need a rest.”

“This is the first time we've seen each other in seventeen years.”

“Yes,” Nathan said, clearing his throat. “But you know I'm glad you're home.”

Gage's chest tightened, and he reached out, placing his hand over his father's, just as his mother had been doing when he had come in earlier. “I'm glad to be home.”

He was surprised to discover he actually meant it.

* * *

B
ECAUSE
IT
SEEMED
like the kind of day to try and deal with family, Gage went to see Colton after finishing with his parents.

He walked up the expansive porch, knocking on the door, settling back on his heels and waiting for his brother to answer.

Colton answered, looking surprised to see him there. Which he supposed was fair, since there had been a whole seventeen years when people had come to Colton's door and only once had it been Gage.

“Hi.”

“So,” Colton said, “you're just here now?”

“Yeah,” he said. “Can I come in?”

Much to his surprise, Colton let him in, and even invited him to sit down in the living room. His younger brother sat across from him, staring at him, his manner steady and calm. Colton was surprisingly unaffected by all of the craziness that happened in the family. He had never rebelled in any way that Gage could see. Had never run off into the hills to lick his wounds and hide from his pain.

He even had a healthy and functional marriage.

“You're the best of us,” he found himself saying. “You know that, right?”

“Of the two of us? Yeah,” Colton said. “Of all of us? I don't think so. Sierra is brave, and she leads with her heart, even though it might hurt. Maddy is fearless, and she leads with her tongue, without any fear of backlash. They're pretty great. It's a shame that you haven't really gotten to know them.”

“I plan to change that. I'm done running.”

“Are you ever going to tell me why you started in the first place?”

“Well, I can tell you what I told myself. And then, I suppose I could tell you the truth.”

And he did. Starting with Rebecca and making his way to the revelation of Jack's existence. Of how he used the accident as an excuse.

Colton looked up at him then, understanding in his eyes. “I think I can relate a little bit better than you might think. I pretty grandly took the burden that you left behind. And I built up a lot of excuses for why I had to do things a certain way. Hell, I nearly married the wrong woman, the safe woman, because I was so committed to doing the right thing. Which was actually just the easy thing.”

“Obviously you didn't marry the wrong woman,” he said, talking about Lydia, Colton's wife.

“No. Thank God. She was instrumental in helping me realize all the different ways in which I was messed up. Which was kind of good, since it was the only way I could even start to fix it.”

“Is there any fixing this?” he asked.

“Our family?”

“Eventually. But I'd like to start with you and me. You don't have any reason to forgive me, Colton. What I did was all in my own best interests. Actually, it wasn't even in my best interest, it's just that it was the easy thing. I'll do whatever I have to do. I'm going to stay here. I'm going to prove that I can stay. I don't expect you to forgive me now. I don't expect you to let go of the past seventeen years right now. I just want to know that there's hope.”

Colton leaned forward, pressing his hands together, staring straight ahead. “I don't suppose I have to let it go in order to know that you're my brother and I love you.” He looked at him then. “The rest we can work on, right?”

Gage ran his hands over his face. “I tell you what, it's a lot easier to walk off into the sunset than it is to stick around and try to figure out how to do this.”

“Do what? Say you're sorry?”

“No, that's easy for me. Calling myself every name in the book, that's easy. Just accepting that I'm a bastard, that's easy. The prospect of coming here and fixing things for you, for Rebecca, that was easy. But only when I thought that at the end I would leave. If I stay, eventually I'm going to have to figure out real connections. I've been avoiding that for a long time.”

Colton cleared his throat. “I know I'm your younger brother. And I know we don't know each other very well. Take it from somebody who ran in place for a long time. Eventually, you have to start giving pieces of yourself. Because if you don't do that, you'll look around and see that there's no one there that really matters. You have to give something real to get something in return.”

He thought of Rebecca, and his heart nearly cracked in two. She had given him all of her, every piece. From her scarred, beautiful body to her scarred, perfect soul. She had trusted him with those things.

And he had given nothing in return. He had come into her life and begun to manipulate it, but there had been no sacrifice behind it. Nothing genuine. Nothing real.

“How do you do that? How do you do that when you know it might end up draining you dry? When you know that you might never get what you want in return?”

“You do it anyway, knowing that it might cost you. If it's free, it's probably not something you want. Expensive things, those are the things that have value, right? It's the same with emotions. It's the same with people.”

“Well,” Gage said. “I think that's bullshit.”

“Oh,” Colton said. “It is. It's also the most important thing I can think of. Lydia changed me. If you had come back into town before I had her in my life, I probably would have punched you in the face and sent you on your way. But she taught me that there are things that are more important than pride. Than duty. If you lead with love, the rest tends to fall into place.” He cleared his throat. “And that is it for me on the advice.”