Lasting Damage (15 page)

“You’re here,” Jane let out a breath and gave her a grateful
smile. “Thank you for helping out.”

“Riley’s in the room with Alice.” Harper sat back down on the
bench and stared straight ahead at the cars pulling into the curved driveway
outside the emergency room entrance. “You should probably go in.”

“Do you know what happened?”

“She was talking to me,” Harper paused to stand. She was caught in
a strange place and didn’t know how to maneuver. Alice said things to her that
she refused to believe until faced with them. Alice told her the truth when no
one else would, and revealing it felt like a betrayal. “And then she went white
and passed out.”

“So, what are the doctors saying?”

“Nothing yet,” she said. “Riley’s in there with her but it’s too
early to know anything.”

Jane held out her hand for but Harper didn’t take it. Instead she
wrapped one hand around the other wrist and held onto herself for support.

“He’s waiting for you.”

“Are you coming?” Jane reached out again but Harper moved away.

“No.” She shook her head. “I’m going to head back to the studio
and start packing.”

“Packing?”

“I’m going to finish the album in New York. Maybe take a few weeks
off and go to Berlin.” Harper’s mouth moved faster than her brain but once the
words were out she knew she’d have to stand behind them and stop letting her
heart control everything. “I need to get back to my real life.”

“Your real life?” Jane took a step back. “What is that supposed to
mean?”

“It means whatever you want it to mean.” Harper stuffed her hands
deep into the pockets of her jeans and shrugged.

“Okay,” Jane paused to toss her coffee cup in the trash, her focus
quickly narrowing in on Harper. “Are you going to tell me what the fuck is
going on?”

“Probably not since I’m not the one getting rides with power
lesbians, but that’s none of my business since I told the first lie, right?”
She ran both hands through her hair and remembered how bad she was at fighting
with people. “I mean, you get to do whatever you want since I’m already the bad
guy in this situation and I have to stand here and take it.”

“What are you doing?”

“Nothing.” Harper turned and headed away from the hospital. “Riley’s
waiting for you. They’ve got Alice in the ER.”

“Hey!” Jane called out after her. “Are you breaking up with me?”

Harper spun on her heels and got a good look at the woman she was
choosing to leave behind. Jane was standing between the trash can and the bench
with a look of confused terror on her face. It was difficult for her to
remember that she wasn’t the only one behaving badly, Jane had lied too and
she’d run out on her to meet with old girlfriends. Harper knew she had a right
to be angry. She also knew she had a right to protect herself from the
inevitability of falling in love with someone who was never going to love her
as much as she loved them. 

“I don’t know that this counts as an actual breakup since all I’ve
been doing is chasing you all over this goddamn town like a fucking dog in heat.”
She could hear the bitterness in her voice and had to wonder if it was
misplaced on this one person she barely knew.

“Whoa.” Jane shook her head. “Where the hell is all this coming
from?”

“You ran out on me yesterday to meet some other girl.” Harper
replied. “And you did it again this morning. Twice in twenty-four hours. It’s
like a thing with you.”

 “It’s not what you’re thinking.” Jane took a step toward her and
Harper took a step back.

Harper thought about that.

Maybe this was one of those moments when something shifts in a
relationship and the power balance evened out. Harper took another step away
and Jane didn’t move.

She felt like it was answer enough.

“Harper?”

 “I get to think what I want since you never tell me what’s going
on.” Harper pressed her index finger to the bridge of her glasses and pushed
them up her nose. “Being with someone isn’t supposed to be this damn difficult.”

“What is it supposed to be like?” Jane asked, her eyes wide with
shock and pain.

“I don’t know,” Harper sighed. “But so far all we’ve done is lie
to each other.”

“It’s not all we’ve done.”

“No,” she paused. “I’ve chased and you’ve run. I’ve followed and
you’ve led. If you and I stay together and we do end up falling in love it’s never
going to be even between us.”

“Why are you doing this?” Jane asked, her voice a thin, shaky
whisper.

“Because, one of us has to do it.” Her breath caught in her chest
and she could feel the sharp sting of tears behind her eyes. “Because I look at
you and I see all the hurt we’re going to cause one another and I just can’t
let that happen.”

“Self-preservation.” Jane crossed her arms over her and stared
down at her shoes. “Lily told me it was going to bite me on the ass one day. I
guess she didn’t anticipate it happening like this.”

As much as Harper wanted to reach out to comfort her or to take
back her words, she kept her hands deep in her pockets. “I need to go.”

“Yes, you do.” Jane agreed and stepped away from her.

Harper hesitated for a second before turning around and leaving
Jane outside the hospital. The idea that she’d talked herself into making the
kind of mistake that couldn’t be corrected grew with each step she, but her
pride kept her from turning around to take one last look at what she was
losing.

16.

Jane had a list of things
she hated
and hospitals were at the very top. It’d taken four hours of waiting and
worrying to hear the news that, once they got her detoxed and on a new
medication schedule, Alice was probably going to be fine. It then took another
four hours to decide which floor Alice needed to go because the doctors
couldn’t decide if she was a psych patient or a drug addict.

Jane
tried explaining that she was both, probably in equal amounts but all the men
in the white coats seemed to want to do was direct her to the family waiting
area while they called in an expert.

It was at that moment that Jane decided to add doctors to the list
of things she hated.

“What’s going on with you and Harper?” Riley asked. He had kept
relatively quiet about the fight between her and Harper, but he listened with
keep interest while she told Lily and Chloe about the fight outside the ER. 

“Apparently nothing,” Jane muttered as she popped the top of her
soda can. “She’s cutting her losses and heading out of town.”

“Don’t be pissed at her.”

“She accused me of screwing around behind her back.” Jane
announced. “How can I not be pissed?”

“I overheard her talking to Alice.” Riley looked down for a second
before meeting her gaze. “Well, Alice was doing all the talking and Harper was
doing all the listening.”

“What did Alice say?” Jane stretched her legs out in front of her
and prepared herself for the worst since Alice had a particular knack for ‘the
worst’.

“You’re going to have to cut her some slack.”

“Why?” Jane

“Because she’s sick.”

“Riley?” She brought the can to her lips and took a sip. “You
better start talking.”

“It was right before her seizure and I’m hoping that it was just
because her brain was getting ready to explode.” Riley tipped his chair back and
stared down at the fancy cupcake he’d scored from a pretty CNA down the hall.

“And?” Jane pressed. In her heart looking for absolution and
another person to blame was wrong. Harper had jumped to conclusions, but she’d
been right when she said she had had no choice since Jane refused to tell her
what was really going on.

“I didn’t hear all of it, but she was telling Harper you were
using her to get back at Sarah and Robin,” he paused to take a bite of his
cupcake. “And it wasn’t the first time she’s said it.”

“Oh? Really?” Jane crossed her free arm over her chest and pressed
the edge of the soda can against her chin.

“I caught her at it after you asked Harper to go to the party with
you. I thought she was just trying to create a little drama,” he said as he popped
the top off the cupcake. “You know how she gets.”

“I have a pretty clear idea how Alice gets.” Jane looked toward
the door and willed a stranger to come into the room so she could stop having
this conversation.

 “This time was different.” He took a bite and swallowed it with a
grimace.

“How?”  

“She was talking about how people were afraid of you and that you were
cruel and used everyone.”

“That’s a new one.” Jane pressed her lips together and held on the
anger that swelled in her chest. She figured being pissed at someone in a
hospital bed wasn’t something you were supposed to do but, carting Alice and
her emotional baggage around was starting to wear her down. “Is there more?”

“The condensed version was, you were fake and the only thing you
were interested in was causing as much damage as possible.” Riley took another
bite before setting the rest of the cupcake down on the seat next to him.  “She
told Harper that you’d been on a date with Sarah and that you were out meeting
Robin. I guess when you pulled up in Robin’s car it just helped prove Alice’s
case against you.”

“I’m allowed to have breakfast with anyone I want.” Her voice
reeked of defensiveness but she didn’t care. Riley was her brother, he was
supposed to be on her side.  

“Which is what Harper told her but Alice wouldn’t stop talking.”
Riley informed her. “I just thought you’d want to know everything before you
did something you’d regret later.”

“Why am I the one accused of doing something worth regretting?”
Jane dug her fingers into her soda can till it dented in on both sides. “Maybe
you didn’t overhear me talking to my friends but Harper was the one who dumped
me, not the other way around.”

“Did it ever occur to you that she was in shock?”

“Shock?”

Riley set his chair back on four legs and looked around the room
like he was trying to chose his words carefully. “Wouldn’t you overreact and
fly off the handle if you saw the person you were attempting to have a
relationship getting out of an ex’s car?”

“Let me get this straight,” Jane paused for a second to put her
thoughts into some kind of order. “Harper is allowed to overreact and fly off
the handle, and basically say whatever the hell she wants, but I’m not supposed
to have any kind of reaction because there might be extenuating circumstances?”

“Jane.”

“Do you even know how much
what-the-fuck you
just dumped on
me?” She pressed her hand to the top of her head and pushed down. It was the
only thing she could think of that might stop her head from popping off her
neck.

“Can you stop talking for a second and think about what I’m trying
to say?”

“I don’t give a flying fuck what you’re trying to say,” she
replied. “And no, I will not stop talking because you’re the one who brought up
this whole thing with Harper, so you need to be the one who stops talking
because I don’t even want to be related to you right now.”

“You’re not making any sense,” he said in his calm, quiet and
collected voice.

“And you’re a dickhead.” She shot back. “What really sucks is that
you’re the only person in this family that I can count on to be a decent human
being and now you’re just being an asshole.”

“I’m not being an asshole. I just think you need to cut Harper a
little slack.

“A little slack? You have this completely turned around and now
I’m the bad guy.” She felt the breath leave her body as her words escape. The
idea that Riley was leaving her to hang out to and dry by taking someone else’s
side stung more than she wanted to admit. “She didn’t even give me time to
explain anything. She just looked at me and that was it. She didn’t give me a
choice or a chance. I got nothing and I’m done talking about it. Time to move
on and get a new subject.”

“Fine,” Riley sighed. “I guess it’s time I told you that Mom and
Dad are on their way here.”

 “Wait?” she stammered as the blood rushed out of her head and
flooded her heart. It was a horrible sensation that left her ice-cold and
sweating. She’d been prepared to deal with Alice, and nurse her broken hear,
but her parents showing up was the last straw. “What?”

“Oh, come on. You knew they’d have to put in an appearance. Alice
is their baby and she’s sick.” He let out a dry laugh before giving a shrug and
going back to his cupcake.

“You heard the doctor, he said she was going to be fine.” Jane
reminded him. “They don’t need to come here.”

Riley shook his head and gave her the big brother stare that was
meant to shut her down. “The doctor also said Alice was going to need a lot of
help getting things straightened out if she was going to get back to her old
self.”

 “Yes, and that’s what we want?” Jane raised an eyebrow as she
challenged her brother’s last statement. “Alice back to her old self? Really?”

“You know what I mean.” Riley sighed with frustration. “She’s over
medicated and she’s gonna hurt herself.”

“So, you want
the parents
to come here and rescue her
because they are so good at-”

“You can’t spend your whole life being angry at them,” Riley
interrupted before she had a chance to give her usual bitter speech about Iris
and Anders and their mutual assholery. “You’re going to have to finish growing
up and forgive them.”

Jane pulled her hair out of the fabric band holding it up and
slipped it onto her wrist. She needed to come up with a plan and she needed to
do it now. Somewhere to run away to and somewhere to stay.  She’d skip going
back to the apartment, too many roommates asking questions they’d already
asked. Hopping on the train and heading out of state seemed like her best
option. Boston or Providence. It was a tossup, Boston being closer but
Providence being the place no one would look for her.

She knew she’d have to tell Chloe and Chloe would tell Lily and
Lily wouldn’t tell a living soul because, more than anyone else on Earth, Lily
loved keeping secrets.

 “I need to leave.” Jane pulled the band off her wrist, gathered up
her hair and tied it in a loose knot at the back of her neck. She had to get to
the bus station if she was going to get to Boston in time to catch the next
train to Providence. She was also going to have to put in a call to Jimmy and
quit her job before she got fired for not showing up.  “I have to get out of
here.”

“What about Alice?” He asked as she turned and started walking
away. “What if she wakes up and you’re not here?”

Jane spun on her heels and stared at her brother. He looked worn
down and exhausted. Apparently the past few weeks had been as difficult for him
as they’d been for her but she decided it was time to get some distance. “It
takes less than eight hours to fly in from London. We’ve been sitting here for
just under that so either Mom’s about to show up or she decided not to bother.
I guess I’m not really all that interested in finding out which one of those
things is true.”

*****

Jane
closed her eyes the second her head touched the pillow and all her thoughts
focused on one point in her brain.

She was alone.

She’d
turned her phone off hours ago and now the only thing she heard was the hum off
the central air system singing its love song to the mini-fridge.

It
took her nearly seven hours to get to this spot and she was going to enjoy it
for as long as she could because the best kind of solitude was found in hotel
rooms. Even the gross ones, the greasy roadside motels that served up moldy
showers and bad cable packages, had something to offer in the way of tuning out
the noise from the rest of the world.

And
right now solitude was exactly what she needed. Her life had become a sudden
explosion of noise. There Alice at the head of the line, screaming and kicking
for her attention while the mess with Sarah and Robin seemed to be jockeying
for position. Of course, Chloe was there to fill in all the silent places while
Lily served as the messenger you weren’t supposed to kill.

Jane
opened her eyes and stared at the ceiling. It was one of her favorite kind of
hotel, expensive, discrete and no one asked about her lack of baggage. The just
ran her credit card and handed her the key without incident. There was also amazing
room service and high end booze in tiny bottles waiting for her.

Most
important to her was that they had interesting ceilings since she had every
intention of spending an obscene amount of time laying on her back staring up
at the ceiling and trying to think her way past the clutter that was clogging
up her brain.

This
ceiling was fabric tile. Not exactly white but not quite beige. Jane didn’t
know if she had the right word to describe the color but she figured she’d been
here enough times to be able to pick out this exact shade at the hardware store
if she felt so inclined. 

Her
favorite ceiling in the states was in a tumble down hotel in Savannah, Georgia.
The building was over a hundred years old and the molded plaster ceilings had
deep cracks hidden in the intricate Grecian designs. 

It
made for the perfect distraction.

Jane
took a breath and held it until her lungs ached. When she was a kid she used to
wonder what it could feel like to drown, if it would hurt or if it was like
falling asleep. She wondered if it was one of those terrible experiences that
sharpened all your senses so you could focus on something other than the stark
reality of knowing you were about to die.

When
her father’s girlfriend overdosed on heroin and died, she stopped thinking
about what it would feel like to drown. The two seemed interconnected, drowning
and overdosing, and she was never able to separate one from the other after
that.

She
let out the breath and the ache of lungs in desperate need of being filled
again. She should be happy she was still alive. Happy she wasn’t in a hospital
bed next to Alice, the both of them hooked to tubes and wires, while doctors
discussed where they should be placed.  

Jane
placed her hand over her eyes. There were more tears than she could count
struggling to get out but she knew she wasn’t ready for it. Things with Harper
had imploded, she should think of it was catching a lucky break since what lay
ahead was not what she wanted. This time she wouldn’t have been the bored,
lonely kid waiting in the empty hotel room for someone to come talk to her.
She’d be the bored lonely girlfriend who would be faced with adoring fans,
resentful band mates and the painful knowledge that she was the only one with
something left to lose.