Chapter 16
“L
et's not argue. Tell me what Catherine suggested,” Mavis said.
“As I was explaining before I was so rudely interrupted by Sophie, Catherine used to date this Frank, who just so happens to be head of security for Mr. King. Ida, this might be where you come in handy, so please don't take it personally. Apparently Frank is something of a ladies' man. Catherine says he's an easy mark. Now, you all know I swore off men the day I buried Leland, that cheapskate. I don't know if any man would get near Sophie with a ten-foot pole given that mean, crude mouth of hers. And, Mavis, I'm not sure you're skilled enough to pull off what we need to do in order to get Frank to open the doors to that warehouse.”
Toots looked at all the women gathered in her living room. Never had she seen a more shocked group of women, minus Sophie, than she did at this exact moment.
Ida was the first to speak up. “I know what you're thinking, and yes, I'll do whatever it is, within reason, of course, to help Mavis. Just for the record, I want you all to know that I have sworn off men since that ordeal with that . . . pervert.”
Toots knew how to butter Ida's bread. She was about to add a layer of very sweet honey on top, with an extra pat of butter. “I'm sure you have.” Again, it took all of Toots's willpower not to roll her eyes at Ida's words.
Toots went on to say, “Out of the four of us, you're the prettiest, the best dressed, the most sophisticated. You know your way around a man. I mean . . . men are putty in your hands. Catherine is a very beautiful woman herself, and I've known her for years. She wouldn't go out with a slob, or a man who is what we might deem unattractive. If you're willing to take a chance, then we need to formalize plan B.”
“Just tell me what I need to do,” Ida said.
Toots held her palm out in front of her. “Don't even go there, Sophie.”
Sophie crammed the gray material underneath the sewing machine needle. With her right foot, she pushed the pedal as fast as it would go. When she'd ripped about a foot of material through the sewing machine's sharp needle, she pulled the cloth out, bit the thread off, then tossed a finished skirt onto the sofa. “I haven't said a word.”
Mavis spoke up. “Just tell us the plan. If there is the slightest hope that I can get these orders finished within, say, a week max, then I will be okay. I have a disclaimer on my Web site that says, âAllow ten to fourteen days for delivery.' I haven't had the need to make use of the allotted time, but as I said, if there's the slightest chance I can get that material, I'll take it.”
Toots had the glimmerings of a plan in her mind. “Let's go into the kitchen. I'll make a pot of coffee. Mavis, run upstairs and get my laptop. Sophie, open a fresh pack of cigarettes. Ida, find the sexiest outfit you own. This is going to be a long night.”
Ten minutes later, they were gathered around the kitchen table, which seemed to be the center of all their gatheringsâsort of like a command center. Toots booted up her laptop and downloaded the latest version of Google Earth.
“To get started, I'll need an address. Mavis?”
Mavis held out a slip of paper with the address for the warehouse written in capital letters. Toots clicked away at the computer keyboard and within seconds had a satellite view of the building. She moved the mouse around, clicked several times, bringing the warehouse into full view. Having used Google Earth in the past, Toots was quite familiar with its contents. She wiggled the mouse around again, and this time a date appeared on the bottom corner of the computer's monitor. It revealed the satellite image was only three weeks old, which was as good as could reasonably be expected. Better, even.
“See this?” Toots positioned her laptop so the others could see what she was looking at. A perfectly clear image of the locked gate filled the computer screen. “We have to get this close in order to make this work.” Toots allowed the women time to absorb what they were looking at. “This is where I'm supposed to say I'm open for suggestions.”
“Why not just have Ida throw herself at the man? She's an expert at that,” Sophie said. “All you have to do is stand outside the gate, shake your ass, act like you're lost. Men love it when you ask them for directions. You'll have Frank eating out of your hand in a minute flat.”
Ida raised a sculpted brow in Sophie's direction. “You seem to know all the answers. Why don't you try to seduce this Frank?”
“I'm too ugly, remember? Besides, I hate men,” Sophie remembered to add. “Not that I'm a lesbian or anything.”
“Who said you were ugly?” Toots asked as she homed in on the image. She clicked a few more keys, then saved the image in a .jpg file. “There!”
“Walter used to tell me that all the time. Why? Does it matter?”
Toots looked away from the computer. “It must matter to you if it's coming out of your mouth, Sophie. And just for the record, you aren't the least bit ugly. Walter was an ugly, mean man. He was miserable in his own skin and wanted to take it out on you. He isn't even a decent ghost.”
Sophie smiled, and this time it reached her dark brown eyes. “That's why you're my best friend, Toots. You sure know how to make a gal feel good about herself. Even though I don't believe one freaking word of what you just said.”
“How is it we always get distracted from the matter at hand?” Toots asked no one in particular. “We're supposed to be working on plan B.”
“Yes, and we don't have all night, either,” Mavis added. “I mean . . . we're going to do this tonight, aren't we?”
Toots hadn't thought that far ahead, but Mavis was right. If they were going to plan a seduction, what better time than late on a Friday night?
“Ida, what about it?” Toots asked. She looked at her watch. “In an hour, can you be ready to . . . lay it on thick?”
“I'll make sure I'm ready in an hour,” Ida said smugly. Without another word, Ida walked out of the kitchen, her head held as high as the queen of England held hers. Reminded Toots of Coco, too. Queen of all canines, or at least she thought she was.
After Ida left the room, Sophie spoke up. “It really doesn't make any sense. We can't just drop Ida off like some Forty-second Street prostitute and expect her to know exactly what bolts of material Mavis will need, how much, where it's located, yada yada yada.” Sophie lifted her hands up in the air and made quote signs with her index fingers.
“Like I said, I haven't gotten that far. I'm open for suggestions.” Toots clicked the computer keyboard, closing the Google Earth program.
“I don't know where the fabric is, either,” Mavis said.
“What you're saying is, we're going to have to get inside that warehouse, and you're going to have to have what? Fifteen minutes, possibly thirty minutes to search for this particular material?” Toots asked.
Suddenly, Mavis seemed unsure of herself, as if she'd really bitten off more than she could chew. “I didn't think that far ahead. Is there any way we could ask this Frank where that particular material is located?” Mavis asked skeptically.
Mavis was extremely naive, Toots thought. “I don't know. I think this is going to be one of those play-it-by-ear deals. Between me and Sophie and you, we should be able to locate this precious fabric in what? Fifteen minutes?”
“You're willing to go to all this trouble just for me? Good God Almighty! You know we could get caught. What if we get caught and go to jail?”
“Then I will simply call Chris and have him bail our asses out,” Toots replied. “I do have mucho millions . . . scattered about. It's a shame I can't just walk up and purchase some bolts of material.”
“I wonder if Calvin Klein had to go to such lengths to buy denim for those jeans that Brooke Shields posed in all those years ago. Remember that?” Mavis asked.
“Yes, I do. Wasn't there something about she didn't let anything come between her and her Calvin Klein jeans? Wasn't she supposed to be going without her underwear or some silly thing?” Toots said.
“Yes, it was something to that effect. I could never go without my undergarments,” Mavis added as an afterthought. “Then again, I'm not Brooke Shields.”
“I don't think you'll have to worry about that, Mavis,” Toots said. “Right now we need to get our asses prepared and get to that warehouse, or you're going to totally lose what ass you have left.”
An hour later, they were cruising down Meeting Street Road in North Charleston. Just to avoid any slipups, Toots had programmed her handheld GPS with the address. So far so good.
Ida had truly dressed for the part. She wore a slinky black dress that hugged her curves in all the right places and a pair of spiked black heels that made her almost as tall as Toots. There weren't many women at sixty-five who could come close to pulling this off. But Ida could; she was a well-preserved sixty-five. They circled the block three times before locating a man walking the perimeter of the large warehouse. They assumed it was Frank. Sophie had brought her portable digital recorder along just in case they needed it.
“Set that recorder so I can get a close-up view of Frank. I just want to make sure he's not ugly and has his own teeth,” Ida said excitedly.
Sophie fiddled with the small recorder, then gave it to Ida. “You promised Mavis you would go through with this. If he's ugly, then you just have to deal with it. Close your eyes and pretend he's . . . Jerry!” Sophie cajoled.
Ida held the small recorder up to her eye and focused on the man in the distance. “Not bad, or at least not that I can tell from this distance.” Ida angled the recorder lower, then refocused. “His ass doesn't look too bad, either.”
“Once a slut always a slut,” Sophie said.
Ida lowered the recorder and placed it on the seat beside her. “If I hadn't promised Mavis I would do this, I would knock you right upside your head with this stupid recorder. I'm not a slut. I can't help it if men fall all over me. I think you're just jealous. You've only been with that old drunk Walter. You wouldn't know a real man if he slapped you in the face,” Ida said.
As soon as the words came out of her mouth, Ida wished she could recall them. Walter had spent most of their married life doing just that, and he was anything but a man. Ida would take whatever Sophie slung back at her. She truly deserved it this time around, but Sophie didn't take the bait.
It was after midnight; the sun had long set. Toots parked the sleek car under a grove of trees across the street from the warehouse. Birdsong, cricket chirps, and the occasional croak of a frog harmonized in the background. The slight scent of horse dung permeated the night air. Apparently Charleston's famous carriage rides had a stable nearby.
“You two cannot be in close confines for more than a minute without arguing,” Toots commented. “You're worse than two kids in the backseat on a long road trip.”
Pouting, Ida said, “She called me a slut.”
“I know. You should be used to it by now. Sophie has the class of a horse's ass. At times,” Toots added hastily.
“Speaking of horses, what is that smell?” Sophie asked, her nose crinkling up in distaste.
“It's probably your upper lip,” Ida informed her.
As was becoming the norm, they all burst out laughing.
“Maybe those tourist companies should consider a new hybrid bus. That smell of horse manure is taking the âGo Green' thing a bit far,” Toots said.
They remained in the car for thirty minutes, paying close attention to Frank and his movements. The next time he circled the warehouse and stopped by the gate, Ida would make her move. Because she wore a sexy black dress, they'd decided she needed a plausible, yet sympathetic story to feed Frank. Ida could do this; Toots just knew it.
They all stared ahead, waiting for Frank. When they saw him round the corner, Toots whispered, “It's show-time.”
Chapter 17
A
nticipation and a sense of excitement invaded the vehicle. Quietly, so as not to reveal them, Toots opened the driver's side door, then instructed Ida to open her door. Mavis and Sophie crawled out of the backseat like two teenagers sneaking out of the window on a Saturday night. Spurts of laughter could be heard by anyone close enough.
“Okay, there he is!” Toots whispered, pointing toward the man they were assuming was Frank. If Abby ever got wind of this, she would disown her as a mother; Toots was sure of it. “Are you sure you want to do this?”
“Of course. I wouldn't be here otherwise.” Ida sashayed away from the car, stopping when she reached the edge of the street.
Toots, Sophie, and Mavis followed close behind.
“This is the worst plan B I've ever heard of,” Sophie whispered. “If we get caught, that means we're no better than common thieves. I can't believe I'm actually a part of this.”
“Be quiet, or we will get caught. I brought ten thousand dollars in cash. It's right here.” Toots patted the fanny pack strapped around her waist like armor. “Mavis, you said this was three times what your cost would be if you were to purchase the amount of material you need, right?”
Softly, Mavis said, “Yes, and I promise to pay you back.”
Toots waved her hand in the air. “Forget it. Look.” She pointed to Ida across the street. She was leaning against the fence, pretending to cry. They could hear her caterwauling from their position behind a large oak tree.
“She's good. I'll give her that,” Sophie said in admiration. “Just don't tell her I said that, or I'll have to kill you.”
“Shh, let's watch.” Toots nodded toward the fence, where a man, the man they were all assuming was Frank and were counting on to be horny enough to drop his pants for Ida, stood on the opposite side of the fence.
Ida's crying turned into hiccups.
They watched.
Ida shook her head left to right, then up and down. The man, Frank, passed what appeared to be a piece of tissue through the holes in the fence. He had manners. Chalk up one point in his favor. Ida took the tissue, then blew her nose so loudly, Toots was sure she'd blown her adenoids straight into outer space, crashing into the satellite used by Google Earth. She smiled at the visual.
Frank removed a large ring of keys clipped onto the side of his belt. He inserted a key in the lock and pulled the large gate inward toward the building. As instructed, Ida placed herself in the position where if the gate were to close, she would be squashed. Frank's head bobbed up and down like a toy dunking bird's. Her dress was so low cut, it was a miracle her boobs hadn't slapped against Frank's chest. Ida inched closer to Frank, her boobs mere inches from him. Toots was hoping he would look down, but he didn't. Ida shifted herself so she was almost touching Frank. She started crying again, only this time she wrapped her arms around Frank's neck, as though all strength had been sucked away from her. Then, the second Frank's arms encircled her waist, she instantly went limp.
“She
is
good,” Toots whispered. “Watch for the signal.”
The words were no sooner out of Toots's mouth when they spotted Ida's right hand waving behind Frank.
“Let's go,” Toots said. “Sophie, keep your mouth quiet.”
Sophie nodded.
They trotted across the street, darting behind trees and shrubbery. When they had a clear run for the open fence, they stopped. This was only phase one of plan B. Ida had yet to get the keys.
They waited while Ida continued to bawl like a baby. At least five minutes passed before they heard the rattle of keys as they slapped against the dirt near where they were standing. With a Mini Maglite, Toots searched the ground in front of her. Spying the keys, she scooped them up, put them in her pocket, and motioned for the girls to follow her.
Ida had Frank plastered against the fence, her face covering his. Toots couldn't tell where Ida started and Frank ended. This was a good thing.
“Okay, ladies, it's now or never,” Toots said.
Running like a one-legged man being chased by the bulls in Pamplona, Toots, Sophie, and thank-god-she-was-slender-now Mavis hoofed it across the street and inside the fenced area.
Not knowing how long Ida could keep Frank smashed against the fence, they skirted the edge of the warehouse until they found the door from which Frank had exited. Toots jostled the keys, inserting one after the other until she finally located the key that turned the lock.
Once inside, she removed her fanny pack, preparing to leave it in place of the material they were taking. Stealing. Toots hadn't ever stooped this low. She had to keep reminding herself it was for Mavis, who was the doer of good deeds personified. And not really stealingâmaybe. More like an unconventional form of bartering, except that in this case it was greenbacks for cloth rather than tomatoes for tonsillectomies. Toots was sure that those Republican congressmen who had been all over the cable news shows would be very proud of them.
Inside, they were surrounded by bolt after bolt of brightly colored material. A man-made rainbow.
With their lights held out in front of them, Toots, Sophie, and Mavis scanned row after row of cloth.
“Two minutes more, and we're outta here,” Toots whispered.
When she heard Mavis shout
“Yes!”
she knew she'd located what they had come for. Toots and Sophie raced through the warehouse, searching for Mavis.
“Over here!” Mavis called out. “Hurry!”
With fear as their motivator, they each grabbed two bolts of the gray material, stuffing one under each arm. Toots dropped the fanny pack with the ten thousand dollars in their place. This might not be the most conventional thing to do, but sometimes you had to do what was right and convention be damned. At least that was what she told herself as she raced outside into the chilly night air with two bolts of fabric tucked under her arms. With Sophie and Mavis following closely on her heels, Toots made it across the street to the Lincoln in record time.
Huffing and puffing, she tossed the bolts of cloth in the backseat. Three seconds later, Mavis and Sophie followed suit. Once they managed to catch their breath, they piled inside the car. Dear, sweet little Mavis had had the foresight to pack a cooler filled with bottled water.
“Here.” Mavis handed Toots two icy cold bottles of water. Toots gave one to Sophie.
Other than the sound of three women chugging water, the night was eerily silent. This was the part of plan B that required total improvisation. Given Ida's past history, she might spend the entire night sucking face with Frank.
Toots couldn't visualize Ida with a blue-collar workerâ no way, nohow. Spending most of her life as a New York socialite clinging to Thomas's side whenever she could as his career as a medical supply magnate took him all over the world, Ida had always been clingy and needy, hence her constant desire for a man. Toots had never really cared for Thomas that much, thought him arrogant and self-righteous. But in reality, he was a perfect match for Ida, but Toots always suspected he had a woman in every port, like Alec Guinness in
The Captain's Paradise.
The gate remained open while Toots, Sophie, and Mavis waited patiently for Ida to either finish her seduction or suddenly discover that she was “not that kind of girl.”
The thought was so fleeting that it had no sooner come to mind than Ida plumped herself down in the passenger's seat. “Oh my gosh! That man has the worst breath I've ever smelled. I don't think I'll ever kiss a man again. Mavis, I just want you to know that your obsession with good deeds has ruined any future I might've had with a man.”
Toots started the engine and eased the large vehicle away from the grove of trees, hopefully undetected. “I want to hear all about it. How in the world did you manage to keep him smashed against that fence for so long?” Toots pushed the washer-fluid button, squirting window cleaner on the windshield. Hundreds of tiny bugs were clinging to the glass. She hit the wiper button and sent the bug carcasses to bug heaven.
“Yeah, I'd like to hear this, too. Maybe an old one-man woman like me could learn a few tricks. It's not like I'm dead. Who knows? I may hook up with a ghost,” Sophie quipped.
They all laughed.
“Ida, I will do whatever you need to make this up to you. I feel simply terrible. I imagine dear Herbert is flipping over in his grave now.” Mavis pretended to genuflect.
“I'll think of something, I'm sure,” Ida said. “He was exactly as your friend Catherine said. A dirty old man. Never in my life have I smelled such horrid breath.”
“You already told us that. Okay, his breath stank. Now tell us how far you let him go,” Sophie said. “This reminds me of our high-school days. Remember how we always asked Ida how far she let âthat boy' go?” Sophie cackled.
“At least I had dates. That's more than I can say for you,” Ida shot back.
“Unlike you, I had to work. Quit stalling and tell us the details.”
“All right. I told him my fiancé tossed me out of the car because I wouldn't have sex with him in the cab of his truck. He said I didn't look like the type of lady that would ride in a truck, let alone have sex in one. Of course, he knew right then that I was a sophisticated woman with class, or at least that's what he said. You might want to take note of that, Sophie. With your vulgar mouth, you'll never catch a decent man. You remind me of a neighbor I had in New York City. Her name was Marsha. She dressed like a dime-store hooker and had the mouth of a truck driver.”
“I'll go with the trucker. I have a foul mouth, but the hooker, you might want to rethink that. And who knows? Maybe I'd like a sleazy security guard with bad breath,” Sophie singsonged.
“That is your type,” Ida replied.
“Knock it off, you two,” Toots called out. “I'm trying to concentrate on my driving.”
“Frank was like putty in my hands. After I fed him that silly sob story, he wrapped his arms around my neck. I started kissing him, and he obviously kissed me back, bad breath and all. He tried to put his hands down my dress. I told him it was too soon, that I wasn't that kind of girl. Over the next twenty minutes I did nothing but kiss and gag, making sure to keep my hands running through his hair, very close to his ears. When I heard you guys running, I suddenly feigned an attack of conscience. I told him I had to get back to my fiancé. He was reluctant to let me go. So I gave him Sophie's cell phone number.”
Again, the four women giggled until their sides hurt.
“I don't believe that,” Sophie said.
Ida laughed, hearty and loud, something she rarely did. “Oh yes, I did. What's that saying about revenge? Getting even is only half the fun.”
Thirty minutes later, Toots drove down the winding road leading to her home. They'd left the lights on and the windows open. She pulled in front of the house, not bothering to park the car in the garage. As they got out of the car, they could hear Coco barking like an attack dog.
“Maybe that pooch is smarter than I thought,” Sophie said. “She senses danger.”
Mavis raced ahead to the front door. “That's not a danger bark. That's an I-need-to-go-outside bark.”
They all raced inside, tossed the bolts of material on the sofa, and went to their rooms.
Being a thief was hard work.