Law and Peace (22 page)

‘I'd be delighted to help,' I said without any reservation. ‘What do you need me to do?'

‘The thing is, in their wisdom the government have just decided that my small local hospital needs to be closed. Cost-cutting, they say. Well, I was approached by a couple of people in church on Sunday and asked if I might be able to help with a legal challenge.'

‘Judicially reviewing the decision?'

‘That's right, and I was wondering if you might be able to assist me? The problem is that there'll be no money in it and it'll involve a lot of legal research and work on documents. People might even say that it's just me tilting at windmills, although personally I've always seen any accusation towards the romantic or even quixotic as somewhat of a compliment.'

I hesitated to answer since the very last thing I wanted to do right now was to take on any other work in addition to both the Moldy litigation and the almost overwhelming flow of other cases. Unfortunately I couldn't hide this from OldRuin who said, ‘I really won't mind if you feel that you are too busy already.' Then he gave me his kindly smile and said, ‘Have a think about it.'

The problem is that I know he wouldn't be asking if it wasn't important, for precisely the reason that he does understand the pressures I'm under at the moment. Either way, despite my reluctance, I certainly wasn't going to refuse and I said, ‘OldRuin, I'd be delighted to help.'

 

 

Wednesday 16 April 2008

Year 2 (week 29): Grumpy Old Man

 

‘Nothing's ever simple any longer.' It was OldSmoothie in the bar after work this evening and he'd already had a few. ‘The bigger picture's been lost forever and we're all just buried in details and small print.'

‘And whose fault do you think that is?' said HeadClerk.

‘It's got nothing to do with lawyers, obviously,' smiled TheBusker.

‘Clever commercial lawyers who draft terms and conditions which allow companies to do over the little man, maybe,' he replied. ‘But certainly not us good old-fashioned common lawyers.'

‘Oh, listen to the champion of the little man,' said TheVamp.

‘I like to think I have my moments,' he replied.

‘And of course you'd never take a technical pleading point or kick a case out that had missed limitation?' said TheBusker.

‘That's completely different. That's just our job,' OldSmoothie replied. ‘We do what we're instructed to do.'

‘If anything, surely we should be celebrating the modern world's obsession with detail?' said TheVamp. ‘I mean, if it wasn't for solicitors instructing us to take the snivelly sneaky little points we'd all be out of work.'

‘No, it's much bigger than that. Even at the Bar, everyone always seems to be running scared these days. Wherever I look, people are tiptoeing around worrying that they won't hit their billing targets or pay for those exorbitant school fees. Worrying that they might be sued or face a complaint. Gone are the good old days when you could trot off to court without a care. When great speeches and matters of principle were what counted. These days it's all in the detail. Whole careers are forged on finding loopholes and arguing over every little nuance.'

He was on a roll and none of us quite knew what to say. It's not like OldSmoothie and high principle are two things you'd usually put together. ‘Now don't misunderstand me. There are still some of us left. I mean it's one of the very few things I love about UpTights. You can hardly call her dull. But let's face it, the more I think about it the more I realise this modern world rewards the likes of TheCreep.'

Oh, here we go.

‘The man-boy, who a hundred years ago would have been bullied out of court, is now King. Ruling the roost with his sub-clauses and huge skeleton arguments. Beauty isn't truth for him. It's something to be broken down into its constituent parts and shot to pieces. You could give him a room in paradise and he'd still be arguing over the lease.'

 

 

Thursday 17 April 2008

Year 2 (week 29): Animal magic

 

As a tonic to TheCreep, TheBusker's dog, LeadingCounsel, was in chambers again today and he was showing off his new tricks at chambers tea.

‘I'm preparing him for coming along to court and assisting me as a visual aid,' he said. ‘I'm only going to wheel him out for the hopeless cases since I don't think it would be fair on my opponents the rest of the time. I mean, it's guaranteed to distract the judge and jury and I hardly think they're going to dislike it.'

‘Why? What can he do that's so great?' asked BusyBody curiously.

‘Oh, nothing too special really. It's just that I've tailored his usual exercises to the law as is only appropriate. So whenever I even mention the words “cross-examination”, he simply rolls over,' and sure enough, the dog was on his back with his paws straight up in the air.

OldSmoothie chortled at this and said, ‘I once trained a dog to do that in answer to the question “What do lady barristers do?” Always caused no end of fuss, I can tell you.'

BusyBody was enraptured by LeadingCounsel and pestered The Busker for more. Though I think we all thought that she was actually looking for tips as to how she could train BusyBaby as effectively. ‘Come on, what else does he do?' she asked.

‘If I say “settlement”, he starts begging on his hind legs.'

Once again the dog was there.

‘If I want to start making a point in court and use the word “terrible”, I get a slight growl,' (which did indeed follow), ‘and if I step it up a notch to “outrageous”, I get a little bark,' and sure enough there was a bark to which even the grumpiest of opponents would have found it difficult to object. He continued, ‘But whilst he will always respond when told to “shake hands” he will steadfastly ignore the command to “shake hands with counsel” on the basis that a barrister's dog should be no more shaking hands with his opponent than the barrister himself. If all of that's not sufficient to win the day then I've also got him a white collar with barristers' bands falling down the front and a tiny little horsehair wig to stick on his head.'

 

The irony is that whilst TheBusker's left a vague suggestion that he might be joking about really taking him to court, I can't see him going to all this trouble without actually doing it, just for the story value.

 

 

Friday 18 April 2008

Year 2 (week 29): Litter-picking army

 

I managed to have a meeting with WhistleBlower last night after I'd received an email specifying the time and place. She said that she absolutely refused to give evidence at trial. The big difficulty is that without even her name, never mind her address, I'll find it impossible to force her there with a witness summons, which is why I had TheBoss get one of his investigators to photograph the meeting. Tomorrow he will send an investigator to each of the UK offices of the telecom company to try and identify her from their thousands of other employees. As he said this morning, ‘About as likely as finding a needle in a haystack.' Then he gave me a pointed look and added, ‘Or should I say as likely as finding an honest lawyer in the whole of this litigation.'

This afternoon I went to visit Arthur and Ethel at their home to give them an update on the cases. I hadn't been looking forward to trying to explain some of our difficulties but they really didn't seem all that interested. Ethel welcomed me with, ‘BabyB, there's five or six of our group who have now received litter-picking sentences and the rest of us are joining in even though we haven't been ordered to. In fact we're about to go out now if you'd like to join us?'

‘We've even got you a yellow bib with your name on it,' smiled Arthur, lifting up a luminous gillet to reveal the words ‘BabyB the Binman'.

‘And some gloves and a pick-up stick,' said Ethel handing them to me.

I couldn't help but be carried along by their enthusiasm, which was definitely infectious and so I put on the gillet to match their own and followed them out. A few minutes later and I was surrounded by twenty of our Moldy clients and probably the same number again of old people most of whom I didn't even recognise from the litigation. All were similarly attired and with pick-up sticks in hand. I did recognise Tony and Dora from the court case the other day. They came over and started chatting about their litter-picking experiences.

‘I have to admit, there's probably a bit of hunter-gathering in it for me,' said Tony. ‘But I also love the fact that wherever I go, things look a lot better behind me.'

‘What is it they say, BabyB?' smiled Dora. ‘We live our lives forwards but understand them backwards.'

A few more minutes and we were all marching up one of the main streets. A grey-haired army of litter pickers cleansing the streets to applause and smiles from the shoppers and grateful beeps of the horn from passing cars. I have to admit that it was inspiring to be a part of and I returned to chambers on something of a high.

 

 

Monday 21 April 2008

Year 2 (week 30): A helping hand

 

TheBoss has discovered that the other side have been going through the rubbish that is left outside SlipperySlope's offices. He's in full-on paranoid mode at the moment and has started investigating the private collection firm to whom they've outsourced all the shredding of confidential documents.

‘You're only as strong as your weakest link,' he said at a case conference today, ‘and we've probably been passing our secrets straight into the other side's lap. Stupid. Very stupid. But there we have it.'

Later in the day I bumped into OldRuin and I was pouring my heart out to him about Claire's new boyfriend. He listened very sympathetically. Later he asked about the Moldy case and I mentioned our concerns over the other side spying.

‘You know, sometimes, BabyB, it doesn't do any harm to let the other side occasionally jump to the wrong conclusions. Accidentally, of course.'

He had a mischievous twinkle in his eye and didn't say any more, but I think I know what he was hinting at, and as soon as he was gone I rang Slippery and said, ‘Let's use their dirty tricks to our advantage. Start feeding them a little disinformation.'

‘I like where you're coming from, BabyB. Make up a memo especially for them.'

‘Exactly. Let's start with giving the impression that we're massively relying on their own two fake cases. We could also mention a “bombshell” we intend to drop towards the end of the case. Should get them running in all directions.'

‘Excellent,' said Slippery. ‘I shall write it immediately.'

 

 

Tuesday 22 April 2008

Year 2 (week 30): Conflict of interest

 

So far TheBoss has had no luck trying to find WhistleBlower at the telecom company's offices and with time running out I decided last night to cross-reference our database of the many hundreds of Moldy clients who are lined up behind the current cases, against the various lists of the telecom company's employees in case something came up which might lead me to her identity. However, whilst I didn't exactly find what I was looking for, I stumbled upon one lady client who had the same surname as TopFlirt. Half an hour more of research and double-checking and it became clear that she doesn't just share the same surname; she is her mother. To put it more clearly, TopFirst's fiancée's mum is suing the telecom company and TopFirst is defending the action. There couldn't be a much greater conflict of interest, which makes me think that perhaps he knows nothing about it. It also makes me wonder whether TopFlirt is the one who pushed WhistleBlower forward in the first place using her knowledge of the case which she'd gleaned from her beloved.

Time for a chat with the flirtatious one.

 

 

Wednesday 23 April 2008

Year 2 (week 30): RedBluff

 

I've been mulling over what to do with the information I learnt from TopFlirt about TopFirst's obsession with beating me to a red bag. What I figure is that if it's getting to him that much then it might be worth trying to stoke the fire of his obsession even more. So I sent him this email:

 

Following on from our discussions about red bags last year, I hereby propose a wager that whoever is awarded one first will have the services of the other for a full week acting in the capacity of a mini-pupil.

 

I received an immediate reply saying:

 

Not that I'm at all bothered by what you do, BabyB, but if you insist on making it into a competition then for your information, I'll be having my coffee white with one sugar.

 

Despite the fact that I can't think of anything worse than being TopFirst's coffee-maker for a week, the truth is that it would be even more painful for him the other way round. So it's worth the risk just to add another layer of tension to the game. Oh, and I've suggested that Slippery writes another memo mentioning just how keen I am to beat TopFirst in this particular little battle. Though I asked him not to mention it to OldSmoothie since he might feel that the bet went against the whole spirit of the red bag and not award it simply on that basis.