Lawyers in Hell (24 page)

Eddie smiled outwardly now.  As he typed the last of his notes, he saw Valeria approaching.

“Let me clear these away.” Valeria offered, picking up his plate.  “Would you like another soda?”

Eddie looked at his nearly empty glass.  The egg cream had been just as tasteless as his coffee earlier.  It just didn’t matter what it was.  The color may be right, the texture may be right, but nothing had any enjoyable flavor.  “Yes, please; that would be nice.”

“It will be just a minute.  Do let me know if you see anything else you want?”  Valeria added a touch of professional emphasis to her question.  Eddie couldn’t help himself:  He took a quick glance at her backside as she walked away.

He shook his head slightly then pressed the next series of icons for the Family Avarice Department (FAD).  After an annoying moment of screen flicker, the ornate logo for the FAD appeared on the screen.  Eddie took a last sip of the tasteless soda.  He looked in the glass and shrugged.  The video chat window opened.

“Eddie O’Hare with Adjudications calling about Hetty Green.”

An older man with a bow tie and disheveled hair stared quizzically at the screen for a few moments.  Then his face brightened as he identified the correct icon to press on his end.

“Eddie.  I believe you said your name was Eddie.  Well, Eddie, my boy, we here at the FAD believe that we have numerous claims upon the soul in question,” the speaker drawled slowly like a politician from below the Mason-Dixon line.

Eddie winced slightly.  “I have that noted.  Are there any special considerations that your department feels it is due?”

Eddie winced again as he saw the lawyer on the screen take a deep breath.  This one looked like a true pontificator.

“We believe, I say, we believe that the evidence is quite overwhelmingly in our favor.  After all, she wasn’t knee high to a grasshopper when she was reading her daddy the financial pages from the newspaper.  Our claims begin at the moment of her beloved daddy’s death.  Somehow, over the objections and obviously legal claims of her entire family, Hetty was the recipient of seven and a half million dollars.  I don’t care who you are, that’s a lot of money to bequeath to a young lady.  This is an obvious sign of family avarice.”

“Are there any other circumstances you would like to be considered?”

“Any other considerations? Any other! Why when her dear Aunt Silvia departed the mortal world, your dear Hetty tried her hand at inheriting once again.  She contested the part of her aunt’s will that left two million dollars to charity.  Well, I say, she contested the will by producing a will of her very own.  Don’t you know it, the case wound up in court and was a landmark.  It was a landmark, I tell you.  Those intelligent investigator boys used forensic mathematics on her version of the will and proved beyond a reasonable doubt that poor Silvia’s signature was indeed a forgery, the act of a charlatan.  Her own cousins tried to have her indicted for this heinous act.  She tore her new husband up by the roots and forced him to flee across the Body of Water with her, so to speak.  Hid from her crimes in London, she did.  This woman truly belongs with the FAD, as you can plainly see.”

Eddie entered his notes quickly while the bushy headed claimant waited, an air of complete confidence on his face.  He remained silent until Eddie looked up into the screen.

“I say there, Eddie, my boy, when can we expect delivery?”

“As I am sure you are aware, there are a number of requests for this soul.  I am required to hear from all the claimants.”  Eddie waited for the rebuttal.

“And I am sure you will give them all a fair ear, a good listening to, as it were.  However, I am quite sure you can see the clear facts – that she truly belongs with the FAD for final damnation.”

“While I agree that there are overtones of avarice, your claims lack factual, hard evidence.  Since she was obviously a favorite of her father, the favoritism was the sin of the father, not of the child.  If the rest of the family had wanted to share more deeply in the father’s inheritance, they should have taken a more active role.  I see her first inheritance as legitimately earned.  In the events surrounding the bequest of her aunt:  yes, the will that Hetty Green produced was ruled to be a forgery – by new and untried and at that time unreliable techniques.  It was never proven that my client, Missus Henrietta Howland Robinson Green, actually forged the signatures on the will.  My client may have been as much a victim of the act as the rest of the family.  It is also entirely possible that family members could have meant to entrap Hetty by providing the fake will in order to get back at Hetty for her original inheritance.  And, yes, the family did object again legally, but without a conviction to support their case, there remain many unanswered questions.  As for residing in London, a great number of Americans with means have resided in other countries.”  Eddie covered each and every point while the man from FAD stared at him in utter disbelief.

Before the Southern gentleman could take a deep breath to begin a counter attack, Eddie gave him the slight nod that had terminated many an interview:  this exchange was completed for now.  “Thank you so very much for your time.  The Judgment Panel will let you know the status of your claim soon.”  Eddie saw the FAD man’s hand move across the screen and the connection abruptly terminated.

Eddie settled back into the leather booth for a moment.  He felt some of his old confidence returning.  As if on cue, Valeria arrived with another egg cream.

“Here you go.”  She set the glass down and removed the empty.  “Enjoy.”

Eddie wasn’t sure if she meant the soda or the view of her leave-taking.  He leaned forward and looked at the H-pad to see who had queued up next.  The screen flickered a bit then revealed the icon for Tactical Profiteering.  If this was a special department of damnation, then he knew it would possess some of the greatest if most misguided minds that ever lived.  He might have to pay them a visit in the near future.  He pressed the icon and waited for the flickering to clear.

“Eddie O’Hare with Adjudications calling about Hetty Green.”

Add twenty years to the standard hellish paralegal and that is who just appeared on screen.  The hair had been pulled back in a stark fashion that gave her face a certain accountant-like appearance. 

“We’ve been expecting your call. Mr. O’Hare.  I have the file right here.  It looks like this soul was tailor-made for the Tactical Profiteering Department.”

“I have that noted.  Are there any special considerations that your department feels it is due?”

“Her entire living career is a textbook case of tactical money making.  However, there are a few outstanding cases I would like to point out.”

“Please proceed.”  Eddie liked her approach, direct.  He made a mental note to find this part of Hell and pay it a visit.

“During a difficult time for her country, she managed to earn over one and a quarter million dollars in greenback bonds in one year alone.  She parlayed those profits in further exploitation of rail-bond purchases.  That act alone had far-reaching effects for the country and its indigenous peoples.  She even facilitated the failure of a major financial institution and had been profiteering from her own husband.  In nineteen oh seven, she actually managed to hold the City of New York in her debt in the amount of over one million dollars in short term bonds.”

Eddie watched the woman from Tactical Profiteering closely.  She obviously had a firm grasp on financial concepts.  She even moved with conservative effort, no wasted motion.  Eddie made his notes quickly.  “Thank you for the additional points.”

“I am sure you have already been asked this, but I would be remiss if I didn’t inquire as to an estimated delivery date for the soul.”

“As you know, the final disposition of this soul is actually up to the Judgment Panel. However, I will point out that while she certainly did profit from unfortunate circumstances, none of these circumstances were the direct result of
her
actions or machinations.  As a matter of fact, most of her activities were at the invitation of those from whom she profited.  Most investors at the time of the greenback bonds were reluctant to speculate on a struggling government.  She had no such reservations and her investments helped to stabilize a nation.  Yes, the rail-bonds had far-reaching effects.  In her defense, these events in history were already in motion with or without her money.  She was merely wise enough to keep her financial position positive during a turbulent time.  Even the City of New York came to her.  The city was fortunate that she was in the position to take them up on their offer; not once, but several times.”

The strict female on his video chat screen  showed no reaction to his rebuttal.  Eddie appreciated a good poker face.

“We appreciate the additional information, Mr. O’Hare.  We are anticipating a favorable outcome from the Judgment Panel.  Thank you for your time.”

“It was a pleasure.”  Eddie meant his response.  So far, looking over his collected notes, he felt that he could argue her out of all the charges.  As he looked over the remaining icons for claimants, one that caught his eye – the very last one.  It was labeled only ‘JPM.’  Eddie shrugged to himself, then touched the icon:  “Eddie O’Hare with Adjudications calling about Hetty Green.”

The image in the video chat box wobbled, out of focus, then stabilized.  A jowly male face appeared:  “Sorry about that.  We don’t normally get calls from Adjudications this early.  Now, who did you say?  Hetty Green?  Oh, yes, I have her right here.  We placed a claim on her soul under the premise of ‘Just Plain Mean.’”

Eddie made a quick entry about the department.  Being just plain mean could be enough to land you in hell?  If so, they must have a bumper crop of souls.

“I have that noted.  Are there any special considerations that your department feels it is due?”

“Any special considerations?  How long do I have?  This was a very busy person.  I could cite hundreds of examples.”

“Let’s try to be brief.  Are there any outstanding incidents that exemplify your claim?”

“In a nutshell, we can start with the fact that she was a renowned miser.  Even though she was worth millions, she dickered over the price of everything.  She would beat down anyone on price.  Since most people were far poorer than she, this was ‘just plain mean.’  She was so cheap that when her son broke his leg, she tried to take him to a charity hospital for free treatment.  The poor fellow eventually lost that leg.  She was so miserly, she didn’t keep an office.  She did all of her profiteering out of trunks and suitcases piled up at the bank she liked to use.  Imagine.  She wouldn’t even pay to have any one of her dour black dresses washed completely; she’d pay to have only the dirty parts washed.  She interfered with both her son’s and daughter’s love lives for years.  She made her son-in-law sign a prenup.  What can I tell you?  That’s ‘just plain mean.’  She wouldn’t even have her own hernia operated on because it would have cost a hundred and fifty bucks.  And as if that isn’t mean enough, she died of apoplexy while arguing over skim milk.”  The jowls shook slightly at the final words.  The heavy-set lawyer on the screen assumed the expression of a litigant staring down the jury to make his point.  Eddie continued jotting down his notes.  After a few moments, he looked up and met the eyes of his learned colleague from the JPM.  This guy had done his homework.

Eddie took a breath and launched into his response, “Thank you for the information.  I will agree that this soul led a unique lifestyle.  However, in a male-dominated industry and society, she beat the boys at their own game.  She had to use every tactic she could imagine to level the playing field.  She remained true to her frugal roots and upbringing.  Thank you for your time.  The Judgment Panel will let you know the status of your claim soon.”

Jowls pulled outward into a knowing smile.  “Thank you for your time and consideration.  I am sure that the Judgment Panel will reach an appropriate decision.”

Eddie found himself nodding as the video screen went black.  He picked up his soda and sipped.  How in hell did they manage to remove the flavor from everything?  Perhaps something from the dessert bar would have a semblance of taste; he doubted it, but it was worth a try.  He perused the dessert table at the buffet, selected a pastry baked in a lurid shape, and took it back to his booth  There he sat back down.

And froze in his seat.

The H-pad screen hadn’t just gone dark; it was now a
liquid
black.  Eddie stared at the unit for another minute before leaning closer.  The icons, lines, and definition between screen and frame had melted completely away.  Eddie debated the wisdom of touching the liquid surface.  Eddie’s self-preservation instinct took hold and reminded him that touching
any
thing in hell that was fluid, black, and held its shape couldn’t possibly be a good idea.

“Thank you, Mr. O’Hare, for your effort and expertise in this matter.”  A sultry female voice emanated from the now quivering blackness.

Eddie flinched.  Sliding the pastry across the table, he focused on the liquid darkness.  “Um, thank you for the kind words.”  He watched the surface ripple as he spoke.  Nothing like this had ever happened to him before.

“The disposition of this soul has been decided.”

Instinctively, Eddie refrained from objecting to the statement.  However, he had to know:  “May I ask about the final disposition?”

“This soul has been assigned to the financial and accounting department of the main Administrative department.  We feel that her level of expertise will be of great value to our ongoing efforts.”

“I’m happy to have helped.”   Eddie really didn’t know what to say.  He had never been contacted like this before, but it seemed that someone serious liked his work.

“You will receive another assignment soon.  However, a standard bonus will be deposited to your account.  Have a hellish day.”

Before he could respond, the H-pad returned to normal.  Eddie looked for the next case.  No icons appeared in the pending category.  Had that voice actually been the voice of the Judgment Panel … or something more?  This was hell, after all; he might have just spent all day arguing with other damned lawyers from other damned departments as part of his own personal damnation.  On the other hand, since no new icons had appeared, he might as well take the rest of the day off.  He could use a drink.  Eddie picked up the menu and looked at the drink selections.  He wondered what Valeria would serve him if ordered the ‘slow comfortable screw up against the wall with a twist.’