Two thick fingers worked slid into me, curved and pressed against a sweet spot inside. He’d said he knew my body and he hadn’t been lying. I shouted out and came, blindsided by the exquisite rush. My fingers knotted in his hair, pulling hard. But he didn’t complain. My bones rattled and my mind emptied and it was beautiful. For one bright brilliant moment the whole world made sense. I was right where I belonged. Then reality and sadness came crashing back in. Eyes closed, his lips pressed against my pubic bone in a soft reverent kiss. It seemed almost an act of benediction. He pressed his forehead against my stomach, just taking a moment as if he’d been the one so recently turned inside out.
The silken strands of his hair sifted through my fingers. “Hey, are you all right?”
“Yeah.”
Jimmy Ferris didn’t mess around.
He got to his feet, tore down his zipper and reached for me. I’d yet to stop shaking from coming, but he didn’t wait. He lifted me in his arms, winding my legs around his waist. I wished I was strong enough to hold onto him forever this way. The hard thick head of his cock pressed against my opening and slowly he sunk inside. He filled me in ways no one else ever could, and it had nothing to do with size.
“You’re so fucking beautiful, Lena.”
“God. Jimmy.”
“Need you.”
Teeth nipped at my ear lobe, the sweet sting stealing through me, making me gasp. He covered my face in kisses, hot lips moving over my skin, branding me as his. It seemed he couldn’t get enough of me either. His hands, mouth, and cock were all determined to leave their mark on my body. My stupid heart beat hard and fast, feeling full to overflowing, but there was nothing I could do about that. I held him fast, letting him pound into me, imprinting himself in every pore. Nothing in me didn’t belong to him, whether I wanted it or not.
Regardless of what made rational sense, my heart gave and gave until there was nothing left.
But isn’t that the way of some loves? He came hard, cock jerking inside of me, teeth embedded in my neck. His head lay on my shoulder as he caught his breath, both of us sagging against the wall.
He carried me to the bed, collapsing onto the mattress at my side. I rolled onto my side, to face him. He looked wiped out, bone tired. Fair enough, I myself wanted to sleep for a thousand years. Dark hair fell over his face, hiding his eyes from me. The glare of the light was dazzling. I should have turned it down more. Hell, I should have turned it off.
“I can’t keep doing this,” I said.
He didn’t answer.
“We need to go back to being strictly business. It’s for the best.” I had no better words.
A shiver ran through him and he rolled onto his side, turning his back on me.
The most beautiful man I ever met crept out my bed just before midnight and I let him go.
I overslept. When I woke, the sounds of shouting and laughter already carried through the house.
Another busy day in the Stage Dive world.
In all honesty, I didn’t know what came next. Since he’d run off Tom, I’d have to find him another replacement companion/assistant. Time would tell if I still got to do the apprenticeship with Pam. Perhaps I’d see about enrolling in an arts college or something, studying photography another way. I’d finally found what I just might want to do with the rest of my life. Something I could be passionate about. There was one almighty positive to come out of this screwed up situation.
“Hey,” I said, wandering in to the kitchen, my hair still wet from the shower.
The guys were gathered around the table, throwing back coffee and various energy drinks. Mal was apparently practicing his wedding speech, ready for Vegas. He stood tall on a chair while the others jeered and threw wadded up balls of paper. Dean hung out in the corner, giving me a brief attempt at a smile. Even Taylor and Pam were here, standing with their arms around one another. Further proof of love everlasting and coupley happiness.
Next time I’d do the smart thing and be sure to fall for someone who wanted me as much as I wanted them. Next time.
“Lena, agrees with me. Don’t you, Lena?” Mal called out upon my entering the room.
“Of course, Mal.”
“You have no idea what you just agreed to,” said Ben, smiling at me over the rim of his coffee cup.
“Shut up, Ben,” said the mad drummer. “Every Vegas wedding needs a couple of burlesque dancers for effect, Lena gets that. She’s more enlightened than you fools.”
“Anne is going to shoot you down in flames,” said Ben.
I shook my head and kept moving. No way was I getting sucked any further into that discussion.
I caught Jimmy out of the corner of my eye, dressed in his usual all black, leaning against the counter. If I didn’t look at him directly maybe I could still get out of this with the one small, unbroken piece still intact. First things first, coffee. I headed for the pot, filling a mug to the brim. Forget sugar and milk, someone needed to pump caffeine directly into my bloodstream before anyone got hurt.
“Dave, get your fucking boots off the table,” Jimmy grouched.
“You’re a god damn delight today, Jim,” said David. “Something happen to warrant the good mood?”
His brother didn’t reply.
I sucked down some coffee, burning my tongue. No matter, it was a small pain, nothing really.
“I need that shit on the interview ready and the plans for the first leg of the tour, Lena. Now.” Jimmy dumped his empty mug in the sink good and hard. I’m surprised it didn’t break. “Try to be up on time and ready for work in future, yeah?”
Slowly, I turned to face him, coffee still in hand.
He stared straight at me. “No more fucking around. Right, Lena?”
My cup started to shake. His message was pertinent on oh so many levels. So this was it, can’t say it was unexpected. It almost came as a relief really, airing our grievances, casting it all out into the world. He might have waited until I no longer had his semen inside of me, just for politeness sake, though.
“Right,” I agreed, my voice flat, strange. I didn’t sound like myself at all.
Shadows lay beneath his cold pale eyes and the cut of his mouth and cheeks seemed harder, harsher than normal. I’d only gotten a little sleep, but it seemed Jimmy had gotten none at all. Every sharp line of him seemed wired, on edge.
All talk around the table stopped. Even Mal climbed down from his chair.
“You need a date for your sister’s wedding you’ll have to find someone else. I’m flying down to L.A. to see Liv.” His hands gripped the counter behind him, the muscles in his arms flexing. “I’ll be busy.”
I nodded. My tear ducts were gearing up for something big, I could feel it.
“And when you get back, start looking for your own place.”
I gasped, my stomach contracting. It actually felt like I’d been kicked and he’d caught a rib or two. So much hurt, inside and out. Foolish of me really, this messy ending had been written from the start. You didn’t just fall out of love with a man like Jimmy Ferris.
“Don’t need you in my face all the damn time,” he said. “You work nine to five until we go on tour then as needed. Got it?”
David slowly stood. “Jim …”
“Stay out of it. This is between me and her.” He turned back to me, his lips thinning in obvious hostility. “Understood, Lena?”
Ben cursed quietly.
“Understood. Will there be anything else, Mr. Ferris?” I asked, setting my coffee cup aside before I dropped it.
His voice cut through me like a sword. “None of your cute shit. We’re strictly business. I don’t want your opinion and I sure as fuck don’t need your advice.”
My throat was dust.
“You do your job from now on and that’s it.”
“Jimmy.” David thumped his hands on the table. The one where Jimmy and I had made love. Fucked. Whatever.
“Stop this,” said David, face lined with fury. “Don’t talk to her like that.”
“She is not your concern, Dave. She never was.”
I stood there numb, but knowing what I had to do. “Fire me.”
“What?”
Every eye in the room was on me, but I only looked at him. He’d wanted an audience and he’d gotten one. Fucked if I’d play into it any further. People would think what they liked and there was nothing I could do about it, he’d been right about that. We’d gone into freefall when I told him I loved him. It was time to hit the ground.
“Fire me,” I said. “That’s how this ends.”
Jimmy’s nostrils flared.
“That’s how this was always going to end.”
Fury flashed in his eyes.
“Go on.”
“That’s not what you want,” he said, a shadow of doubt crossing his face for the first time.
“I can’t have what I want, Jimmy. I never could. All you have to do is fire me and I’ll go away. You won’t ever have to think about it ever again. It’ll be like it never happened. That’s what you want, isn’t it?”
Whoever said love and hate were the same knew what they were talking about. Because the way Jimmy was looking at me would have burned a lesser woman to the ground. Last night he’d loved me, or my body at least. Now, there should have only been ashes where I stood.
“I go away and everything’s easy again, uncomplicated,” I said. “You can go back to hiding from the world. I won’t be here to stop you.”
“Shut up.”
“Fire me, Jimmy.” My smile must have looked every bit as bitter as it tasted. “Send me away.”
Someone said something but it passed right by me, unheard. There was only me and him.
“You know you want to,” I said. “It’d be so much simpler if I wasn’t here.”
“Shut the fuck up, Lena.”
“Go on,” I urged, leaning forward. “No time like the present, right? Do it.”
A muscle jumped in his jaw line.
“DO IT.”
His chin jerked.
Done.
The breath rushed out of me and I shut my eyes tight. Tears escaped anyway, the cunning bastards. Talk about fucking drama. Enough.
“You promised you wouldn’t relapse if I left. I’m holding you to that,” I said, my voice cracking, the words coming so much harder now.
Another nod.
“Hang on,” said Mal, rushing over. “Jim, man. C’mon, this is Lena. You can’t fire her!”
“Lena, wait.” David reached out a hand.
“It’s okay,” I said, wiping my face, forcing my way past the band.
I didn’t want to see the others but of course my gaze went there, taking in the whole of the ugly pathetic scene. Plenty of shell-shocked faces and one vaguely embarrassed glance on Dean’s part. Not like it really mattered, I’d never see any of them ever again. This part of my life was over.
An argument started up behind in the kitchen, numerous voices raised in anger and dismay. I didn’t slow down, didn’t turn back.
There’s probably a lot of things I could say about the nature of love. Exactly what I did or didn’t mean to Jimmy would never be known, perhaps not even to himself. Love was truly one of life’s mysteries. That it could fuck you five ways to Sunday and still remain so utterly perplexing and unknown was kind of impressive. I guess it all depends on how you look at it. Right then, I was looking at the long lonely road home. My childhood home, that is. The home I’d shared with him was gone.
Tears flowed faster and I let them fall unchecked.
Some things were meant to be felt to their fullest. Get it out, get it over with, and all the rest.
I liked to think he’d miss me, but the truth was, he’d be fine once I was gone. There’d be someone else to step into my shoes, someone to answer his emails and keep him sorted. Chances were, they’d do a better job than I ever had.
The end.
* * *
A massive white satin bow sat in pride of place on the front door. Christ, Alyce and her look-at-me bullshit. This wedding had clearly taken on gargantuan proportions in my absence. Maybe I should have holed up in a hotel room until all of this had blown over.
No. That was quitters talk.
I was made of tougher stuff.
After all, I’d already walked away from one life-altering, heart-shattering situation this week. To make it through my sister and ex’s wedding would be no biggie. Eardrum piercing, girly squeals of glee could be heard coming from inside. It was the night before her nuptials, I guess she had all of her remaining three bridesmaids over. Britney Spears music suddenly pumped out, loud and proud.
Yeah, no, okay, I couldn’t do it.
Not a fucking chance.
My weary body and mind had already been dragged half way across the damn country. I’d left a lot of stuff behind in boxes with a message for Ev to please have it forwarded. All that mattered was getting the hell out of his house in one reasonable rational piece.
Pam drove me to the airport despite my protestations I could get a cab. Such a lovely woman, it was a pity I’d never get to be her apprentice. The rest of the band and company fortunately remained downstairs. To face any of them following Jimmy’s and my drama-ridden break-up would have been more than I could bear. The $10,000 Nikon stayed behind on the piece of furniture formerly known as my bedside table.
Jimmy could do with it what he liked. No way was I taking it with me.
My immediate existence revolved around expunging every trace of him from my memory. I’d forget the sound of his voice and the smell of him covered in sweat. I’d never again think about the one hundred and one stupid little conversations we’d had, all the things we fought about. My broken heart had been taped and glued to perfection. And all of these things were gone.
They had to be gone so I could face the future and put him in the past.
There was no way, however, I could face whatever fresh hell was happening inside my childhood home. Britney Spears. Give me strength. I about-faced, preparing to drag my full suitcase the two blocks back into town since my cab had already gone. So far as I knew, Toni still worked at the Burns Bed and Breakfast. If I slipped her twenty she’d keep my whereabouts secret for a couple of days.
But no, standing directly smack bam in the middle of my planned escape route stood my father. Time had made no major changes, he was still as stout and solid looking as he’d ever been. A bit more grey in his hair perhaps. In each hand was a bag filled to the brim with Kwong Chinese Restaurant containers. The best food to be had in my hometown, in my expert opinion.